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RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/2/2007 7:30:25 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		It is very unfortunate and the nature of the beast. Too many men push and push at break neck speed to get into relationships of this nature that they often miss all the signs and miss communicate so badly they lose out. Like hooking a fish and trying real it in so fast they lose it.

There is a big difference between pursuing and showing someone interest and investing so much time in cyber world and getting one’s hopes up way too much. There needs to be effort but it needs to be in perspective. I cannot tell you how many times whether live in a local community or in cyber where I felt so pushed to speed up my brain and heart and felt that nothing about me or what I said made any difference but only how soon can I get her tied up and naked.

I can only speak for myself but a person who pushes too fast would lose me and one who does not put any effort into their messages on the pretense of not wanting to waste their time would lose me as well. I prefer the middle and it is not that fine of a line.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/3/2007 9:31:38 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		How much time and energy one wants to put into pursuing a sub/slave is really up to each individual.

The one reality that is a constant is that there are many, many more male Doms looking for female subs than vice versa. On some of these sites, the discrepancy can be as high as ten to one. That gives the women practically all the power at this stage of the game; their selection of possibles is enormous. As someone already pointed out, some women are so popular, they literally are beseiged by so many responses that it becomes a burden.

Under these conditions there really are only two options that I can think of; stay on these sites and know that a whole lot of patience is going to be required, along with a lot of letdowns; or think outside the box and find a submissive somewhere else.

One author recommended an idea that I like tremendously. Essentially he said "Make your own sub". That is, go outside the lifestyle into the vanilla world. Find someone who seems sexually adventurous and introduce BDSM slowly as your relationship develops. Some women will get turned off, but I think a lot more than you might imagine would find it pretty exciting if you present it properly.

Actually, just thought of a third approach, join a convent and become celebate. Extreme, but it would solve the problem!

Sir Dominic

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/3/2007 10:57:00 AM   
Adrenochrome


Posts: 50
Joined: 12/27/2004
From: Canada
Status: offline 		Personally, I never much enjoyed actively hunting. I mean, when the mood struck me, sure, it would be nice to spend some time looking around. But I wouldn't just fall into a pattern of scouring the intarwebs for slaves. Sure, there would be girls I'd speak with, and occasionally play with, but I wouldn't think of it as equivalent to hunting four girls all at the same time.

I've tended to know my property for a long time before I claim it, which is good... Since I do just claim it as mine, and that's that. My current slave and I knew each other (off and on) for just over ten years prior to her collaring. At that point, she had no real choice in the matter, but had known me long enough to worry about it.

I think, realistically, it's just as Sir Dominic and others have put it. Every individual and relationship is different.


_____________________________

"Guidance is internal." -- NASA Countdown

(in reply to SirDominic)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/4/2007 6:54:25 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		One distinction I try very hard to make clear is that anyone I talk to online is just basically a friend with potential. After a few emails back and forth, when you know that some things are working out in general, then you can talk on the phone once or twice and set up to meet for coffee somewhere. If by that point the meeting doesn't happen, you're going to be put in the position of "chasing" the sub and probably killing any attraction she had towards you.

Seriously, if conversing with someone for two weeks on a casual and friendly basis is not enough to have them be willing to meet you for 30 minutes in broad daylight in a public place, either you are creepy or she is not serious.

As for talking to multiple people, of course that's reasonable. Expecting a sub or a dom to "commit" to someone in particular when they're just chatting is unrealistic. I start from the assumption that any sub I'm talking to is getting 12 emails a day from other doms and probably talking to at least one or two of them. My job is not to chase her or sell her, it's to show her the kind of guy I am, how i think, feel, and live, and let her decide if that's something she wants to be a part of. I know my current slave was talking seriously to at least a half-dozen other guys when she agreed to meet me. Why should that upset me, that she's trying to find the best person she can? Why should it upset a sub that a potential dom is trying to find the best person he can?

It does sound like the OP's friend was "trying too hard", if he was spending so much time and energy that having the girls flake on him seriously affected his month. Until you meet and know there's chemistry and similar goals, you're just having a nice conversation with a friendly stranger. Spending a few hours a month having fun conversations is not a bad deal, regardless of whether relationships result. At least you become a better conversationalist, which will help when you do meet that great girl!

(in reply to Adrenochrome)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/4/2007 7:23:38 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		When Master and I started chatting, he was actively seeking a live-in slave. I wasn't looking for a Master at all. So when we were initially chatting, I knew he was talking to other girls. When our conversation changed to a possibility of coming together, I told him outright 'Get rid of the others'. If he hadn't, I would have dropped him like a hot potato. I wouldn't have been able to deal with sitting around while he went about meeting others. I knew I had a lot to offer him, so didn't need to play competitions with anyone, I won't play that game, its not in my personality to do so. If that was an unrealistic expectation of him from me, I don't know..but it was the only way I could invest myself into thinking about committing to be his slave...and cause he did it...He got himself a most fantastical slave...so there.

I don't think there can be any hard and fast rules as to how people should act or whatever....

< Message edited by slavejali -- 1/4/2007 7:24:32 PM >

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to obis)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/4/2007 7:32:08 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
These two contradictory sentences say enough for me - even though I'm aware they're your words moreso than your friends...

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

He is on a search for a slave to own.

Anyways..during the month of December, He actually had about 3 or 4 ladies He was interested in and thought they were very interested in Him as well.

One hard and fast rule for me when I'm looking is *one at a time* - because it IS exhausting!  If another happens along while I'm cultivating the first relationship, I tell her straight off about my priority but that she's welcome to write back at a later date if she wishes....
 
I can't help thinking your friend wasn't so much trying too hard as not being focused on what he really wants.  Either he was juggling 3 or 4 separate conversations at once (perfect formula for screwing up) or he was open to each about the others' existance, which undoubtedly would have put off at least one or two of them.  Or all of them? 
I think if he really wants *a* slave, that's what he should concentrate on!
 
Focus.


Well stated, plain and simple, Bravo!
**2007? Bring it on**

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/4/2007 7:43:17 PM   
erebus


Posts: 169
Joined: 1/15/2004
Status: offline 		The best way to meet a potential submissive is to try the local community, if it exists in his area.  I'm fortunate to live in Northern California, so I'm close to San Francisco, and Sacramento has a small community as well. 

As far as 'converting' a vanilla person to the scene, that way lies madness, as far as I'm concerned.  If you find a vanilla woman you like, a lot, you probably wouldn't push the 'kink' on her too hard, for fear of frightening her off.  Compatibility is difficult at best, and talk about time invested!  I would not want to compromise my needs/desires to be in a vanilla relationship with just a small amount of what made me happy.

Try to narrow the odds down by frequenting groups with at least that one interest in common.

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/7/2007 11:57:05 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		 I NEVER count on an online meeting working.  Of course it happens but the F-t-P rating is way too high to get all worked up about it.

Women are all too used to men fawning over them, in real life I am always unfailingly polite but the hotter I find them, the less attention I try and pay them.  You are hunting wild game, take your time, let them come to you then shoot them right between the eyes.

(in reply to erebus)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/8/2007 1:34:37 AM   
bethclaire1


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		there has to be a middle ground. i am embarrassed by the number of introductory emails i received with one or two words in them. I think the players show themselves fairly quickly and the nervous take their time. However, if a local dom has not asked to meet me within a week or two, i start to wonder. And i don't mean for a playdate, just to meet for a cup of coffee or whatever. I have met few Doms who tried too hard, but have backed off initial good impressions when they get just a little too creepy.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/8/2007 3:08:59 AM   
eyesopened


Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

I NEVER count on an online meeting working.  Of course it happens but the F-t-P rating is way too high to get all worked up about it.

Women are all too used to men fawning over them, in real life I am always unfailingly polite but the hotter I find them, the less attention I try and pay them.  You are hunting wild game, take your time, let them come to you then shoot them right between the eyes.


i'm shy and not likely to approach a Dom.  The attitude above explains a lot.  i was saying to a sub friend of mine that i don't attend the play parties because it's so depressing to never be approached.  i've never once had a Dom approach me at a munch, ever.  She said it was because i'm pretty and that Doms are afraid to approach pretty girls.  i don't see it. i am at best kinda goofy-looking and i have assumed that perhaps i'm even ugly based on the one or two emails i get here.  That someone would assume women are "all too used to men fawning over them in real life" have never seen me go home in tears.  That statement makes me feel like perhaps i truely am hideous or something although i don't think that's really true.  i would hope that i would be approachable even if someone thought i was less than hideous.  If someone, anyone, thought i was "hot" it would be refreshing to hear that.


_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/8/2007 8:27:11 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		eyes,

I checked out your profile and you would certainly be thinner than most women at a BDSM event, prettier than some, and not much older than most.  If men are not hitting on you, I would ask someone you respect, a male dominant, why they think nobody asks you to play.  Who knows, that might get you playing right there, but you might learn something and he might tell others you want to play.

Small groups in small cities take on the character of the people running it, perhaps you should try and find other groups/events to attend. 

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/9/2007 11:59:33 AM   
Pulpsmack


Posts: 394
Joined: 4/15/2004
From: Louisiana
Status: offline 		It is hard to say given the information available. I can't say there is a ready-made template for meeting effort, however. I recall examples in my past where I made the high pressure sale. No car at the moment either? I'll rent. No place to yourself? I'll pick you up, etc. etc. On the other hand, I have had casual conversation for long periods of time and keeping the possibility somewhere in the distant future. I have had successful and undesirable results with both extremes, although I have to say that I have actually had more success pushing the hard sell than the "happens when it happens" approach.

What really matters is the compatability between the two and how comfortable/excited the submissive feels about the conversations the two have exchanged. If he/she is for real and genuinely interested it will happen. Otherwise, they did your friend a big favor in the long run.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/11/2007 8:25:41 PM   
krazij9


Posts: 8
Joined: 8/3/2004
Status: offline 		Very good question.  I believe a good dom doesn't need to pursue slaves.  Slaves will recognize a good master and try to obtain an invite to enter his/her service.

I believe a dom/master that pursues slave is a red flag that he/she is less than competent.

I never pursue slaves.  I am who I am.  If a slave decides he/she would like to serve me, they'll let me know.  If I like one, I will let them know but I wont pursue them. 

The dom should be pursued, not the slave. 

That opinion may mean I may never have a slave.  So be it.  But nobody will ever be freaked out because I am pursuing them either.

< Message edited by krazij9 -- 1/11/2007 8:28:27 PM >

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/11/2007 10:30:09 PM   
simplyangelic1


Posts: 186
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline 		I asked a question about this once in a chat room.  Basically it's like this, a Dominant can talk to as many prospective subs/slaves as they are comfortable handling.  For some that might be one at a time, others it might mean a harem full.  But on the other side of a coin, a sub/slave can talk to just as many potential Masters/Misstresses they are comfortable with.  There is nothing that says they can't unless an agreement has been reached by both involved. 

Was he trying too hard?  I don't know since you didn't say what he put into these meetings.  IMHO, first meets should be very informal.  A cup of coffee or two.  Maybe a snack if it really goes well.  But nothing fancy, elaborate or dramatic.  First meetings shouldn't involve that kind of pressure.  If he's the good guy you say, he should just be himself and that will shine through.  The one that is right for him will see it.

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/12/2007 3:52:58 AM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

Anyways..during the month of December, He actually had about 3 or 4 ladies He was interested in and thought they were very interested in Him as well. He spent alot of time "cultivating" them and preparing them for the first meeting.


Why would he have to "prepare" them for a first meeting?  Is he courting women or fillets of salmon?  He might want to let go of control on the front-end and just meet for coffee.  I wouldn't like to be "cultivated" by a stranger.   

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/14/2007 10:09:50 AM   
Totalmaster4you


Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		This topic is one I read with great interest. I had to give up driving because of some medication I'm taking, so I've relied on various sites to do the initial meeting eventually leading to in person mtg. Some of the emails I recieved were little more than one or two playful lines some were more substantial in length and content. In each case I treated each as an indivdual. One seemed to be a little damaged even though she was aggressive in the beginning When I asked if she was ready to meet she said yes and I never heard from her again?I've tried being more aggressive and more laid back. At this point I'm just looking for friends just to continue to learn and who know maybe someday friendship could change to something else. In the answers given so far none seem to really give anything close to one or two paths to be taken to be successful. To all other searchers good luck, may the new year be good to you!

(in reply to MaryT)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/15/2007 6:50:20 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TemptingNviceSub

Maybe his choices were his problem...we all tend to repeat the same mistakes in choices over and over again.All he can know for sure is that the only true constant in all of his communications with these submissives is himself..So hence maybe he needs to go a little outside of his own "box" change up what he "thinks" he is looking for and widen his scope a little. Though these submissives were different people, they were more than possibly a lot of the same.....wish your friend well and best wishes...Tempting


Yes, i agree. One has to look at the common denominator. It is so easy to bash someone else, and there are users and abusers out there, however i know this myself - if we keep attracting the wrong ones, we have to discover why...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/15/2007 7:03:31 AM   
dawntreader


Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

i don't see it. i am at best kinda goofy-looking and i have assumed that perhaps i'm even ugly based on the one or two emails i get here.  That someone would assume women are "all too used to men fawning over them in real life" have never seen me go home in tears. 


i can totally relate to this and i did ask a Dom who is a friend of mine why he thought i am always left when all side are thru choosing  and he said that men must find me intimidating. Hmmm....

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to eyesopened)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/15/2007 7:20:38 AM   
RandomGAGirl


Posts: 57
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		There could be so many reasons why things aren't working out and so far there have been a ton of great posts on the possibilities.  I met my Owner on this site and to be honest it took quite some time of on again off again chatting (for a variety of reasons :) ) for us to meet but when it happened it happened because we were both ready to take that step.  He didn't go out of his way to chase me down it was a mutual effort.  I don't think it should be one person doing all the work to keep the lines of communcation open and it shouldn't be just one person pushing for a meeting .

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Doms trying too hard? - 1/15/2007 11:25:43 AM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

Women are all too used to men fawning over them, in real life I am always unfailingly polite but the hotter I find them, the less attention I try and pay them.  You are hunting wild game, take your time, let them come to you then shoot them right between the eyes.


*laughs*  Lovely analogy.

I think to a certain extent, your approach has merit.  But there is the thought that any woman you "ignore" with the idea of setting yourself apart, might possibly take your "disinterest" as simply that. 

I'm not the type to actively pursue a man... I'm typically softspoken and a little reserved, plus I also was raised during a time when girls didn't call boys.  I have worked hard to overcome that reticence, but generally speaking, if a man shows little or no interested in me, I take that to mean he has little or no interest in me.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 40
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