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RobertCloud -> RE: Trust issues (1/3/2007 8:05:43 AM)
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Trust is a difficult thing to develop especially online. There are so many potential landmines to building trust and if this man is keeping you held back (as you put it "at arm's distance") then you cannot develop the trust you need to even begin considering a proper relationship.
It becomes even more difficult with time as one Dominant or perhaps on the other shoe, submissive, after another breaks trust. You find that the reason they hold you back, that they are not telling you everything is that there is a secret that they do not want you to find out. Perhaps they have children, or are married, or they are talking to more than one person at a time while they are trying to decide so they keep you help back until they decide who they are more attracted to, or perhaps they are going to play with many and go for all at once and not tell any of them about each other.
A man living in New York, such as myself, could easily have a girl in Virginia, another in New Jersey, another in New York, another in Ohio, another in Wisconsin, and even more, and even see them all realtime from time to time especially if they are the ones that are wanting to pay for their trips to see him. If he was not an honest man, it would be very easy for someone online that does not have someone in his life realtime, or for that matter who even does, to have all of that and none of them to know about each other.
He would not even have to use a different name or nickname, he could have multiple girls from here, some from somewhere else like bondage.com, or alt.com, and some from yet another place.
You see, I am saying this not because I am this way, I am not. However, I ran into a submissive once that had even asked me to marry her. I was considering the possibility when I discovered, because she had given me the password to her primary email account, that she was playing 86 Dominants.
She was collared to 9, engaged to 5 (I would have been #6) and she was even part time living with 2, plus she ran an online pay for sex cam show that she would give freebies if she liked you.
It is because of this that I have a difficult time building trust. I see red flags everywhere when I start with a new potential girl. Every time she does anything even slightly similar to something that other girl did a red flag will begin waving. Any major Drama, and a red flag will wave. Sudden interruptions on the phone, (in the other girl's case she always said it was her brother but it was one of the other Doms), and a Red Flag waves, especially if she does not return immediately or if there are a lot of them.
And the worst time for me is when a meeting is planned, because that was when I discovered the lies of the other girl. We had planned to meet and two days before we were to meet she just disappeared. No phone calls, nothing. I decided I would not get on the bus without talking to her, and that was when I logged onto her account. So now when I plan to meet someone if anything goes wrong with that meeting, even if it is legit, I still get those flags waving and they are hard to stop.
I realize it is MY problem, and I fight it. I try to trust the person until I see true evidence that they are indeed playing me, but I have also driven people away with the lack of trust, especially in the beginning when I was very open and spoke openly about it. Now, mostly I keep it to myself until I see evidence that says there really is a reason to mistrust. But give me even a small reason and I can flare, and unfortunately sometimes that small reason is circumstantial and easily explained and I am soon eating crow.
Once you have had your trust devastated so deeply and as often as I have, building trust is very difficult. To give trust blindly is foolish, it must be earned. Too many trust blindly and are hurt.
If he is holding you back, you need to talk and find out why. If he is not going to loosen that hold, then you need to consider moving on because you cannot build trust when someone won't let you.
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