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SusanofO -> RE: Losing My Submission (1/6/2007 7:48:23 AM)
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katy: I "lost my submission" once. But, the circumstances almost seemed to require it of me (non-consensual physical abuse, apropos of nothing, it seemed). I knew this person what I thought was pretty darn well, too. Maybe these were what could be considered "extenuating circumstances", but I didn't consider it inappropriate, or odd that I felt that way. I had some fond memories, and missed them (terribly, at one point after I left), but I had more fear of what might happen if I stayed. Not necessarily emotionally, but physically, to me, that is. "Losing my submission" seemed an altogether sensible thing, at the time (and still does).
Emotional extremes on the part of other people I can handle. I dealt with my husband's, and I deal with people at my one particular volunteer job all the time who are on some kind of emotional roller-coaster; domestically abusive parents, and children who have a very difficult time dealing with rejection and emotional pain due to their parents' treatment of them.
Just last week, I really let one dad verbally "have it" because he'd promised to visit the daughter he'd not seen for 3 years, and take her to the Zoo. She was dressed and ready for him 2 hours ahead of time, she was so excited about the whole thing. She is nine years old. And he was 2 hours late because he was playing, apparently, an oh-so important game of golf. He had a cell phone, but didn't even think of calling to say he'd be late. She was obviously not a priority for him. So, when he arrived, I told him he couldn't see her at all - and then the shit really hit the fan. He yelled, screamed and threatened me verbally. I am a volunteer - I can't be "fired", really. Plus, I know the center would be on my side, on this one. I didn't really care; his words just sort of went in one ear and out the other, for me. His actions had already broadcasted loud and clear he didn't give much of a damn about her feelings, or what might be good for her. It was all about him - the parent. Well, hello! You've got a kid whose heart you are breaking, buddy. I have never wanted to slap someone so hard in a long time. I can deal with these kinds of screaming a---holes, though - they don't scare me one bit. Especially on someone else's behalf. They usually just make me mad, instead. Apparently, he thought I'd back down. Well, he thought wrong.
He didn't deserve to see her - he needed to apologize to her, which he didn't quite see as the reality, and what to do was partly my call. But - I tried to detach, (for my own good, I realized I was upset) - and I did. He eventually talked a supervisor into letting him see her - but he had to really talk convincingly (which I am sure he is good at doing, at this point). So - everything worked out fine - which was all I really cared about anyway.
I honestly couldn't care less if Mr. "golf executive" hates my guts. It is his daughter's welfare that concerned me - which didn't seem to concern him much, really. It's why I am there - someone has to let this guy know he is being an a---hole - he's apparently been getting away with it for years, and I had nothing to lose, and she needed an advocate - that much was obvious to me. But I digress...
I can honestly say I think it pays to just listen, take it in, consider the merits, check one's temper, and say what you have to say in return in as diplomatic a manner as possible. I even took a training seminar on this at this job. And it can sometimes pay to realize the odds are good that any effort on your end is not going to be noticed, or "sink in" right away - if ever, sometimes. Which is definitely not encouraging, but needs to be dealt with, so life can go on.
Anyone in a social work field (volunteer or not) has to realize the art of "detachment" is their friend. I typically "detach" for a few hours (or days, or weeks) if someone is acting in a very unusually hurtful, or over-the-top rejectful manner, and maybe try to sometimes offer some support from my end, and try to remain helpful (from a slight distance) - and see where it goes. This is also called "self-preservation", and everyone knows where their own "limitation line" is, in that regard, hopefully. If they are into bdsm and they don't they better find out, or try to do that, I think.
Of course with a Dominant, the situation is a bit different, if one is submitting - but there can be, on occasion, some parallels to the above scenario, I think. If extremely abusive behavior (I mean genuinely abusive, not agreed upon or somewhat expected behavior) is habitual, I know I would veer between wanting to be supportive and walking out the door - because I really do think anyone who claims they are "Dominant" needs to be able to make an effort to keep their own emotions in check when it is necessary. Also, they need to be able to assess when it may be necessary.
submissives have to do this too, of course (and I do - I've worked years on controlling the darker side of my emotional self), but - supposedly, the Dominant is the one "in charge" of the relationship. I personally don't find much "in charge" about a person who doesn't know their own strength, or how to gauge it so it is most effectively used, whether that is physical or emotional. And of course, in order to be able to do that, you have to get to know a person. If I really care about someone, I tend to cut them some slack - especially for people who are under stress, or for whom this might not be typical behavior. Hopefully, I know or trust them enough to know whether it is typical, or atypical. If I don't, it can be a real "coin toss"as far as what to do.
In this particular instance for me, however, I knew this person well, and even though it was atypical, it was so physically dangerous asituation, that in my heart I knew that doing that would be folly - for me. And I do have a responsibility to myself - to take care of myself. If I don't, I am no good to anyone else.
But that was me - your relationship ended a bit differently, I'd guess - but - I'd still suggest much of the same advice -being very good to yourself and take healing as slowly as you need to take it. For me, the supposedly superficial stuff works wonders - a new haircut, lunch with a friend, meditating to music, lazy reading of books I've been meaning to read, etc. And if necessary, a good cry. Don't forget who is the important person here - katy! Good luck and don't worry - it never does any good anyway, it seems (and this comment is from a born worrier). Good luck!
- Susan
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