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SlaveSuru -> RE: A short essay on how I feel submission has changed me. (1/3/2007 12:16:15 PM)
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It's hard to describe the feeling that engulfs me every time Cameron puts my collar on for me, I feel uplifted and reassured by the fact he is putting it on himself instead of having me do it. It's a reaffirmation of his love and pride in me, an outward sign of the bond and connection we have. When he puts the leather around my neck I feel the emotions transferred in it, I feel the commitment we make to eachother. Sure I feel something like that each time I do it myself but it's stronger and more potent when it's his hands that close the buckle. I love my collar, I love the way it feels on me, It wasn't always so perfect though. When I got my collar the leather as still stiff and and hard, much as I was, I was still new and untried to everything. Then as time wore on I became more pliant and soft, more submitting and comfortable. This is also what happened with the leather of my collar, it changed and became soft and supple, something comforting and familiar.
I had trouble and chafed at my submission at first, I thought about how maybe it wasn't for me, about how I might have thrown away the best thing in my life. My doubts ate at me and I knew if I didn't try to see if I missed what I had, it would eat me alive. I tried it again and what I felt there was something missing, I felt incomplete and just not right, I knew then I could never go back to that way of life, it held nothing for me. I think back alot on how I have changed these past 8 months and feel like I have grown and matured, I am now completely comfortable in my own skin and in my own mind. When I was younger I was unsure of my place and of what I wanted, and now I am confident in my place and desires as I have never been before.
I think alot about why I feel so perfect, so natural in my submissiveness. Though I have no definite answer on why I feel that way, I do know it's a strong and wonderful feeling and one I am so at home with. It was hard at first because I had to learn to still my mind and quiet my body. I had to learn patience, how to be graceful, how to be quiet and calm under stress, and most of all how to put my own thoughts aside. I am doing so well and have taken to it like a bird to flight, I have made only minor mistakes and for that I am lucky. I have seen others struggle with themselves, struggle with the desire to submit, struggle with their own egos. I am glad I have gone through so little of that struggle. I just feel more natural and free these past months, I feel more like me, and my confidence has flourished.
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