Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

The right attitude


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> The right attitude Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
The right attitude - 1/4/2007 8:20:42 PM   
samantha25


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/3/2006
Status: offline 		How do you go about becoming stronger and meaner to your subs.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: The right attitude - 1/4/2007 8:26:26 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		My opinion is that it has to be your nature to be so.  May I ask if here was a circumstance that generated this question? :)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: The right attitude - 1/4/2007 9:13:24 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Why would you want or need to be? There's a difference between domineering and Dominating. Of course, it might be your fetish! Watch some porn and get some tips there or go to some of the Female Supremacy sites that focus on humiliation and the submissive worm (not all FS sites do this).

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 1:54:15 AM   
LadyEllen


Posts: 10931
Joined: 6/30/2006
From: Stourport-England
Status: offline 		Well, I'll go out on a limb and disagree with Lotus..... (not usually a good idea, but there you go!)

It doesnt have to be in your nature to be anything particularly, as long as you are a reasonable actor - and the key to acting for me is to totally adopt the persona you want for any given situation. I'm not nasty and horrible by nature, but wow can I be if I want to!? We're not talking amateur dramatics here, but something that anyone can do as long as they believe (NB Peter Pan flying scenes dont work even if you do believe); you know you have it, when it feels easy and is undistracted. Closest is the imagination of a child, which can accomplish the same magic with ease.

But - big but (similar to mine); no one can keep up an act over a long time, so the above is only practical for playtime really. This is where I'd agree with Lotus, that if you wish for some reason to be nasty and horrible all the time, then it has to be in your nature really. Another big but - whatever persona you adopt, you must remember that you remain responsible for what you do and you must not lose yourself so much that you lose control.

E

_____________________________

In a test against the leading brand, 9 out of 10 participants couldnt tell the difference. Dumbasses.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 3:47:16 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Well, I'll go out on a limb and disagree with Lotus..... (not usually a good idea, but there you go!)

( Oh POOH!  You know I'm a sweetheart  :)
quote:

But - big but (similar to mine); no one can keep up an act over a long time, so the above is only practical for playtime really. This is where I'd agree with Lotus, that if you wish for some reason to be nasty and horrible all the time, then it has to be in your nature really. Another big but - whatever persona you adopt, you must remember that you remain responsible for what you do and you must not lose yourself so much that you lose control.


This what I meant by my comment- you said it better.  :)



< Message edited by LotusSong -- 1/5/2007 4:01:50 AM >

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to LadyEllen)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 3:50:17 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Yes, why would you want to be?  Unless that's your (and their kink)? 

(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 5:08:07 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline



I'm on the other shore of this same boat.
My Sir has officially been in this lifestyle life of ours now for 9 weeks as of yesterday.
While he's a very dominant decisive man he's just not very D/s yet.

What I wish he'd do more of is be rough with me. Things like grabbing my hair and making me kneel to give him head , pulling me into his lap for an unexpected spanking or just reaching out and pinching me because he can or something like that. I miss orders like come here now, or do this for me. I also miss talking dirty to me, not just in sex, but things like reminding me I'm his toy, his pet, his slut and things like that.
For me it's not meanness I miss but forceful behaviors I enjoy.

In play he's gotten good with a flogger, but other than that sort of impact play there's no pain in our scenes yet. I wish he was more versatile in the methods of play so that I could feel more stimulated in scening.

I have brought these things I crave up to him once, but after I know he knows I drop it.
As he's the Dom he has the privilege to chart his own course as he's learning things for the first time. Once he knows what I want it's his choice to do or not do something about it.

I'd recommend maybe having your sub make a list of the things he'd like to see happening between you two that you don't do. This way you'll have some idea what he wants and can decide which things you're ready to work on and which your not.
suzanne

LOL- and I agree Lotus is a sweetheart



(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 5:40:45 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		Be consistent... ie if you say "don't move" and they do pull them up on it, if you state they must in say a scene, always answer 'yes Madam Peanut Butterfly" everytime you ask them to do something (before they move to do it) and they don't, pull them up on it ... make them return to whatever position they were in, and issue the order again ... the biggest complaint I have had from submissives, both male and female, I have played with in the past is their past dominant/s inconsistency within their (the dominants) own rules and stipulations (for play or for the relationship) ... finding dismay when the dominant doesn't even notice the sub has just broken one of the rules of engagement ... it's leaves the sub feeling like the dominant doesn't care for their own dominance ... let alone the person's submission ...
 
On a personal level, give yourself permission to be a biarch.  Another one of those things I've often heard complaints about ... the dom struggling to shrug on their dominant coat and just be dominant ... if you want them to dance the funky chicken while wearing the national dress of Timbucktoo ...then do it ... if you want them to seperate the M&M colours using their nose and nothing else simply because you think they should... then do it ... (the M&M idea, found in a great post I can't now find grr) ... it's an ego thing ... give yourself permission to have an ego.  Don't buy into what society tells us, that to be egotisical, self centered, bossy, aggressive, demanding is a bad thing ... the most successful people in the world, in some way are ... and so is a successful dominant ... people aren't one dimensional... there is always the opposite to ego, self centeredness, aggression and demanding that exist within all of us ... temper your style with love, passion, and empathy ...you subs will love you all the more for it.

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 5:51:47 AM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline 		By using similar method to the way they trained normal people into being tormentors in the old days, psychology ma friend psychology or just simply think mean and be stubborn and increase ur standards

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 6:53:39 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jasmyn

Be consistent... ie if you say "don't move" and they do pull them up on it, if you state they must in say a scene, always answer 'yes Madam Peanut Butterfly" everytime you ask them to do something (before they move to do it) and they don't, pull them up on it ... make them return to whatever position they were in, and issue the order again ... the biggest complaint I have had from submissives, both male and female, I have played with in the past is their past dominant/s inconsistency within their (the dominants) own rules and stipulations (for play or for the relationship) ... finding dismay when the dominant doesn't even notice the sub has just broken one of the rules of engagement ... it's leaves the sub feeling like the dominant doesn't care for their own dominance ... let alone the person's submission ...
 
On a personal level, give yourself permission to be a biarch.  Another one of those things I've often heard complaints about ... the dom struggling to shrug on their dominant coat and just be dominant ... if you want them to dance the funky chicken while wearing the national dress of Timbucktoo ...then do it ... if you want them to seperate the M&M colours using their nose and nothing else simply because you think they should... then do it ... (the M&M idea, found in a great post I can't now find grr) ... it's an ego thing ... give yourself permission to have an ego.  Don't buy into what society tells us, that to be egotisical, self centered, bossy, aggressive, demanding is a bad thing ... the most successful people in the world, in some way are ... and so is a successful dominant ... people aren't one dimensional... there is always the opposite to ego, self centeredness, aggression and demanding that exist within all of us ... temper your style with love, passion, and empathy ...you subs will love you all the more for it.

Wow, what a great post!

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 7:25:32 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		May I ask what you do, onestandingstill, to encourage him to be more forceful?

He has an entire life before you of being him and all the training and conditioning that went into making him, him. If he isn't naturally comfortable with being more forceful you will have to do much more than tell him once what you'd like.

You don't have to harp at him but you can give him positive feedback when he does do things -- tell it was great, moan really sexy, look at him longingly when he does these things, wiggle around, whatever works. You can write him something sexy that includes the force level you want and you can have the female character in the story clearly enjoying it to demonstrate that it would be ok. You can also just take his hand and pull it more forceably to your head -- that's isn't topping from the bottom, in my opinion, it's showing enthusiasm for the things you like.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 8:24:04 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

May I ask what you do, onestandingstill, to encourage him to be more forceful?

He has an entire life before you of being him and all the training and conditioning that went into making him, him. If he isn't naturally comfortable with being more forceful you will have to do much more than tell him once what you'd like.

You don't have to harp at him but you can give him positive feedback when he does do things -- tell it was great, moan really sexy, look at him longingly when he does these things, wiggle around, whatever works. You can write him something sexy that includes the force level you want and you can have the female character in the story clearly enjoying it to demonstrate that it would be ok. You can also just take his hand and pull it more forcibly to your head -- that's isn't topping from the bottom, in my opinion, it's showing enthusiasm for the things you like.

Hi TammyJo,
I am quite the encouraging girl.
I also dress very seductively around him and flash him constantly.
When we play if he does something I like I say so in very enthusiastic ways I assure you.
Every time he does something I enjoy I not only tell him how it makes me feel and thank him for doing it.

I do ask him if he'd feel like playing, or if he'd like to go to play events.
I do ask, I just don't manipulate or push as it's not very sub like in my opinion.

I mention when asked what I like, what I find hot, and what I'm interested in.
I have talked in general terms with most of his questions and give him the answers from my personal perspectives and the perspectives I see others using as best I can.
There are times when I say things like as a sub I feel I need to have some structure that's handed down from you. 
I have said things like I'd love to start doing your laundry and pressing your clothes instead of you taking them to the cleaners, or I'd like it if you'd let me TKO your feet, or give you a manicure, or washing & waxing your truck as it IMO is my job to do services for you and will help me feel much more submissive to you to have chores you give me.
He says OK he understands, then does just what he wants to do and does not incorporate the things I mention much so far.
He does not even ask me to get him a drink. I ask him when he comes over if he's thirsty or hungry and if I can do anything for him.
He'll tell me no and then later I'll hear him in the kitchen getting his own drink.
If it's what he wants to do I can't force him to let me get it can I?

I've shown him my fetish check list and discussed all aspects of what those things are and what they mean.
I've recommended books and web sites for him to learn from, I've introduced him to three of the Doms in this area I respect in hopes they'd strike up a friendship and he'd have someone that he could talk to about his training path, we've even been to several munches and the Crucible and been out in the community so he'd see how others are relating to each other as examples to learn from as well.
Over all I say and present a lot of information about this lifestyle to him & in that I do entice and mention my preferences.
Once I know he understands what I want if he isn't doing it I have to respect his path.

But again his path that's just beginning.
He has some things he's focusing on and he says until he masters the things he wants to learn he does not want to learn too many new things all at once.
He wants to focus on one or two at a time.
I have to let him work out his training the way he wants to and just be patient and see where things go.
I do trust he is an honest, integrity oriented person over all so maybe I just have to change my D/s expectations as this is not just about what I expected here, but what we find together.
Also as I mention this is all VERY new so in time as we grow closer I'm sure we'll align more toward each other as most couples do.
suzanne




(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 8:35:18 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear samantha25, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I do not consider myself particularly 'mean.'  However, I can be quite strict and consistant.
 
I also am one who is mindful of the person submitting.  If they have had no prior military experiences, they would not know how to obey a command without asking why, how and what not.  I go more slowly with those who haven't had military experiences.  Military really gets the soldier to work under commands and not make it personal.  I had slave michael years back who was my first military slave.  He was also an officer in the military at the time.  It was indeed fun to make michael obey my command, just as his command was expected to be obeyed.  One time, I had him scrub one tile in the bathroom floor.  Out of the whole floor, I gave him one tile.
 
So, the question is why.  Because I wished it.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  When I had a non-military background of a slave, I did the same situation command.  I sat and watched.  They started going outside the one tile, thinking that I would be pleased that the entire floor was cleaned by their toothbrush.  But, that isn't what I commanded--correct?  But, that is training.  And, as a trainer you must mean what you say and say what you mean.  I've seen good slaves wrecked because a dominant isn't consistant.  Slaves depend, and I repeat--depend on Masters/Mistresses to be consistant.  Something the military drills into soldiers and officers.  Commands are consistant.
Obedience training on dogs and horses as well, depends on consistancy.  And, I also state that the command must be reasonable.
 
I will further add.  I am myself.  I can be extremely Sadistic and I can be extremely sensual and everything in between.  I operate as myself consistantly.  When there is a disciplinary issue, threat or behavior contrary to what I expect from my collared slave(s); I will get serious and that change is a heads up and slaves seeing that change in me; dare not triffle with me further.  I am fair but, when it comes to the rules I follow and expect slaves to follow--I give no slack.  And, if I make a mistake towards my slave--I apologize.  I'm human and I don't forget that.
 
As far as having to become meaner--I don't like becoming mean.  We got enough mean and spiteful people in the world and or community at large.  If the post is generated from a submissive not willing to be subservient--you probably have a gamer/player.  Good slaves and submissives will do their best to please for the sake of pleasing; not making you frustrated and 'mean.'
 
And, as far as M&M's go--If I want the colors separated--I will have it so.  I've had my slave push M&M's in a row, in different military formations with his nose or using a pencil in his mouth.  It is service.
It isn't his worry as to why I wish it done.  It is his worry on how to get the task done as I wish it.  It pleases me when he does this because I wish it, not because it makes sense--just because it needs to be done.
 
Just some thoughts.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 
 

(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 8:54:44 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		It reads like you are doing all the correct and encouraging things, onestandingstill.

I'm wondering if maybe he's trying to encorporate being a dom in areas he really isn't into or comfortable with. Or it could be that being served makes him feel dependent.

I love the option but I can also feel very upset if I think I'm sending the message that I need to be served. This recently came up with the water glass issue in my house. Fox was trained to get me water and make sure my glass was full but at the same time as I've encouraged him to explore a new business and our work schedules overlap less and less I've gotten into the habit of getting my own water. So he'll come to check on my glass and it still has water because I just got it.

We had a talk about this and now I make an effort to call him to get me water. Sometimes I'd just opened the refrigerator door when I realize "damnit, I did train him to do this for me" and give him a call. When we are in the same room, there's no problem but I don't want him in the same room with me 24/7.

My point is that I have to make an effort too and sometimes I worry about being dependent on him because that seem undominant to me.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to onestandingstill)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 9:11:28 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline
quote:

It isn't his worry as to why I wish it done.  It is his worry on how to get the task done as I wish it.  It pleases me when he does this because I wish it, not because it makes sense--just because it needs to be done.

 
LadyHugs I like many others do enjoy reading your posts :)  so let me add to the chorus and say thank you for sharing your insights the way you do :)  and this above absolutely resonnates with me.  As a dominant I find something pure in someone's unquestioning service ... I love it, I revel in it.  It makes me feel safe and secure, that I can rely on this person.  But I fear everytime something like 'unquestioning service' is raised as a topic, there is a tendency to get stuck on the whys and wherefores of 'mindless submission' and 'doormats', than the benefits of having someone so willing to do our bidding and the pleasure a dom receives from it. 
 
Ps Suzanne, thank you

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 9:14:29 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		I think with my Sir he's definately in charge and decisive.
He also keeps his word with me and has integrity.
Those qualities have more value to me than these little nuance things.

I think as I said before with him being brand new over this first year of his D/s life his outlook will evolve considerably.
I know who I was and what I thought D/s was changed almost 360 degrees in my first year.
I think I just need a BIG dose of patience, but it's OK to hope things go my way a little too.

Over all though I'm not sure where we're heading I'm very happy to be standing behind him as his biggest fan.
suzanne

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 9:58:24 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Jasmyn, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Jasmyn did put up something that is indeed a concern, to which is 'mindless obedience' or 'doormats.'
 
I go back to military training, where we see the ceremonial drill team that is acting as one, with many individuals.  It is 'uniformed.'  But, in addressing 'mindless obedience' or 'doormats'--even military soldiers are able to function as an individual, using their creative juices.  The example comes to mind, about the US Marine that used 'silly string' he got to spray out before him to look for trip wires and sabatoge schemes over in Iraq.  Now its caught on and kids are gathering silly string to send over for the troops.  Low tech for a high tech result.
It is that creative mind that is desired as it benefits the entire military and their desire to bring their fellow troops home alive.
 
Soldiers throughout the civilization, have been creative and it has bumped up the chain of command and used when successful.  So, I do not see soldiers as doormats or mindless obedience. 
 
Back to M/s, D/s and BDSM submission and submissives and slaves.
 
In my household, I may be Dominant and proffer to my slaves what I wish done.  However, I surrender my personal control over to the slave because they need that control to get what needs to be done.  Using slave's/submissive's talents to your benefit, also requires giving them the freedoms to use their talents to get whatever is to be done--done.  Slaves and submissives know their weaknesses, so allowing them control over the task--they can work around it and achieve success.  Domination, I think often is misunderstood as far as lifestyle goes--it isn't micro-management or guarding.  It is actually having the power and authority to delegate.  It is showing slaves you trust them and they are entrusted with you and your daily affairs.  It isn't about over loading them with tasks you hate to do--hire a maid or handyman then.  But, when it helps you to have somebody be in control of certain things--submission feeds the dominant because of the trust you can experience onto someone who understands your needs and wants, as much as you do understand theirs. It is feeding each other with energy and also trust and control as well.  It is doing our best for each other--regardless of what side of the flogger you stand.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Jasmyn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 12:49:52 PM   
GuidingLite


Posts: 233
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline 		if you aint strong to begin with im not sure how you can become stronger in a short period of time and  for being meaner in a sadisitic sense look at past threads for ideas.

(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 2:35:28 PM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline 		Be a good actress, don't take yourself *too* seriously, and be consistent.  When I need to be strict and aggressive with My boy I imagine Myself as a gorgeous woman (like Sophia Loren) who *will* get what She wants no matter what.  The boy loves it, and when we are cuddling afterwards, I always feel good about it - we give each other what we need.
~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

(in reply to samantha25)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: The right attitude - 1/5/2007 2:37:17 PM   
KaramelGoddess


Posts: 404
Joined: 6/20/2006
Status: offline 		*Ehem* not that I'm not gorgeous anyway !!! 

~Kara

_____________________________

"Never eat more than you can lift." ~ Miss Piggy

(in reply to KaramelGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> The right attitude Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094