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How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 4:15:22 PM

belljar

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My current sub had only one other Domme that he served prior to me. It took him 8 months after ending things with her to get up the nerve to seek another one. For him its about submission, serving, pleasing, etc. For her, it was an excuse to beat the crap out of him. She could get very angry, too. With her crops/whatever she left bad bruises, sometimes breaking skin. Enough pain for him to leave bad bite marks on his gag.

while I don't like inflicting this sort of severe pain, I do so get off on a good whipping to my sub. Not for punishment, but because I like it. It's powerful.
We've been together long enough that he trusts me, and I'd like to start bringing that into our play. but how can I bring it in in such a way that will erase the negative connotations he has with it, and start replacing that with erotic connotations, like it is for me? How do I get him back round to the mindset "in pain there is pleasure, in pleasure there is pain", that is of my belief?

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 4:23:15 PM

gooddogbenji

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Well, I would think communication is a good start. Make sure he understands what it is to you. Start slowly and build up, carefully watching his reactions. Make sure to put lots of pleasure in there for him too, fondling, kissing, rubbing, stroking ok now I'm hot.

Yours,

benji

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 4:25:25 PM

RedSavageSlave

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Just dont get so excited you pee on the new bedspread benji...

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 4:28:23 PM

bandit25

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Benji's got a point. It may be his reaction to pain was born out of the anger she displayed. If you make it known that anger has no place in your play, he may view it differently...especially if he finds pleasure in serving.

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 4:42:49 PM

mnottertail

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cakewalk
I am going to beat you because I want to. I am going to beat you for a punishement. Do you know the fine line in that?

LOL,
Ron

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 5:40:45 PM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
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quote:

ORIGINAL: belljar

My current sub had only one other Domme that he served prior to me. It took him 8 months after ending things with her to get up the nerve to seek another one. For him its about submission, serving, pleasing, etc. For her, it was an excuse to beat the crap out of him. She could get very angry, too. With her crops/whatever she left bad bruises, sometimes breaking skin. Enough pain for him to leave bad bite marks on his gag.

while I don't like inflicting this sort of severe pain, I do so get off on a good whipping to my sub. Not for punishment, but because I like it. It's powerful.
We've been together long enough that he trusts me, and I'd like to start bringing that into our play. but how can I bring it in in such a way that will erase the negative connotations he has with it, and start replacing that with erotic connotations, like it is for me? How do I get him back round to the mindset "in pain there is pleasure, in pleasure there is pain", that is of my belief?

I would also have to agree that communication is going to be a big part of things- he has to understand very clearly that you aren't angry at him (or the world, or whatever) when you do inflict pain on him- and be very slow and gradual with it. A large part of me "gets" where he's coming from- I had the same sort of issues to deal with (only outside of a BDSM context for the original fear of it).

For me, it was learning to associate the pain that I was being given by my Dom with the arousal I was also experiencing, and being praised at the same time.

Linking the pain to a feeling of pleasure and working very slowly with praise from you, telling him whatever it is that works for your relationship that is a phrase of your pleasure with him- (for me it was "I love you, you're my good girl", etc.) will help- and make sure to afterwards, whenever he is ready, talk about it- really listen to him, and reassure him if it's needed. Stress your pleasure to him, and make him feel really good about it. It's basically reconditioning him to understand a formerly negative thing for him as a positive- I'd tread carefully with a lot of compassion, take breaks during the actual act if needed, and read up on psychology.

behindmirrors.

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 5:55:35 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

We've been together long enough that he trusts me, and I'd like to start bringing that into our play. but how can I bring it in in such a way that will erase the negative connotations he has with it, and start replacing that with erotic connotations, like it is for me? How do I get him back round to the mindset "in pain there is pleasure, in pleasure there is pain", that is of my belief?

I would start out with caressing blows and genital stimulation between blows, perhaps with him lightly restrained, or not restrained at all. I would gradually increase intensity, all the while relating this to genital stimulation. I would not allow him to masturbate, or have any type of stimulation without some form of light pain until he had built up to taking the amount of pain you desire to give. It may work, it may not, but that is what I would do.

Edited to add, this would take a long time, not just one night or one weekend. It may never happen that he feels good about pain, he may just not enjoy it on any level. I would take lots of time to accomplish it and not rush it, and let him determine the speed by gauging is physical responses... like if he remained erect during the beatings.

Also, I would ask the same question of the mistresses in the mistress forum, just phrase it differently as we are not supposed to cross post

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 1/6/2007 6:05:25 PM >

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 7:31:33 PM

ownedgirlie

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I had emotional trauma associated with the belt. We were severely belted as youngsters and the belt scared the crap out of me. I begged my Master to help me overcome it.

He started by having me visualize him belting me, and me accepting it successfully. I spent a lot of energy on this, and wrote about it as required. I wrote stories of him belting me, and of me receiving it well. I explored a lot of my emotions related to it, and the difference between my relationship with him and with those who belted me before.

When he determined I was ready for my first belting by him, he had it laid out on a table, and had me fetch it and present it to him. I had to ask him to please whip me with it. He then took it and presented it to my mouth to kiss and befriend. He caressed my face with it, and my lips. I had the opportunity to smell it, inhale the scent of the leather, and feel it gently against my skin.

He then bent me over the bed and let it fall lightly across my back, dragging it along down my back and to my bottom where he caressed my skin a bit more. Then he lifted it and let it land on me, not hard at all. Then a bit harder, then harder still until it stung. My first reaction to the first bite was intense fear which was immediately replaced by relief that the belt was in my Master's hand.

We spoke about it right afterwards. We spoke about how I am safe with him, and those who belted me before did so to harm me, while he will not harm me. It was a cathartic moment.

I still don't like the belt, but that's because I'm a pain wimp. But I no longer associate it with my abusers at all. To this day, when Master senses I am struggling in fear during a belting, he will bring it to my mouth to kiss and befriend. He has me kiss it, before it kisses me in return. I am learning to take more of this type of pain, but the fear is truly gone. I credit my Master for that. Meanwhile he credits my courage to face my fears for him. We both win.

I wish you and yours the best in this endeavor.

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 7:52:32 PM

toservez

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I would just go slow and do it in very positive and rewarding way. Maybe only initiate it when he knows you are in a great and sexual mood and you also think he is in a good place. I would also go over the top maybe even if it lessons your pleasure in showing him how much “erotic” pleasure this gives you. That is always great food for a submissive to see how much pleasure it gives their one. Also maybe make sure he gets aroused in the scene if possible or rewarded after it. Positive and affectionate after care might help as well.

Make it as much of a positive experience for him as possible so he starts to associate pain as erotic pleasure for you.

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/6/2007 9:27:51 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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I have to agree with many others..make it a postive experience not one with negative connotations..much praising goes a long way ...as well as erotic communication whilst creating the pain....Tempting

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/7/2007 5:29:45 AM

Palaceofwinds

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It sounds like your sub's first domme was reckless and irresponsible with him, and took advantage of his orientation towards service and pleasing. I'm a newbie sub myself and have started training with a Mistress who is thankfully very caring, and who sees my service as a gift to be harnessed and used responsibly. So I can empathise somewhat with your sub. A newbie sub, apart from gut instinct and feeling, doesn't really have the knowhow, experience, and means to tell if he/she is being used responsibly or being abused negligently, so there is always a risk that a newbie sub can get badly burnt from a first experience of D&S that is negative. It's only with time and experience that a sub can become more discerning about his dom/me's suitability. But I'd just like to reiterate what everyone has said about communication, and taking things slowly. Tender aftercare is a good idea also.

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RE: How to reverse negative connotations? - 1/7/2007 8:13:53 AM

justskindeep

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Can I have you sub's ex-mistress's contact info please?