RE: Am I being unreasonable?

RE: Am I being unreasonable? (Full Version)

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SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (2/25/2005 10:02:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig Good luck, and I would love to hear how this turns out. M Thanks, and I'm sure that you will LOL I'm the kind that has to celebrate my victories and lament my failures in public. Oh yeah, and on that note, for those of you who were following my other thread about the boy with all the baggage ... he finally actually said it - he finally said that he isn't coming. sniffle I still love him and I'm definately still hurt, but since I knew that's what he was going to say, I've been preparing for it and I'm not totally crushed by it.

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (2/25/2005 10:18:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NATI quote: He sounds like a bratty controlling little sub to me I second this opinion. I think it's absolutely essential to learn what makes a sub 'tick' and to hear about his fantasies. BUT - If he is constantly re-directing discussions in the manner you suggest - it sounds like a little bit of a game to me. I would not cave in under it. I would simply tell him that I made my stance clear. When I am ready to go back to that topic, I will. Because he made such a big stink of it, he has lost that opportunity for the night. Any further mention of it - and all discussion will end. Period. And I third it! he is absolutely topping from the bottom here. As stated before, draw a very firm line, and tell him you will not discuss it. Don't let him wear you down! If he doesn't have enough self-control now on the telephone, it is highly doubtful he will if and when he ends up in your household. I never allow an applicant to share fantasies until I say so. And I always avoid it on a telephone. If they want to discuss fantasies with Me, I have a special phone line for that!

GentleLady -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (2/26/2005 2:38:39 AM)
Have You reminded the submissive point blank that this conversation is solely to discuss non-BDSM areas to ensure compatibility in those areas and that next time the discussion will cover his fantasies and needs? That way he could see that it is the timing that is wrong and not that his needs will be ignored completely. Just an idea in case he is not trying to top from the bottom. Gentle Lady

webeeknky -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (2/26/2005 7:02:10 PM)
hello...saw this post and wanted to make a brief observation... first...I think the existing D/s relationship between Holly and yourself is the most important...if somethin rubs one or other of you the wrong way,it puts the primary relationship in jeopardy...and mutual respect for each others limits and boundaries,both emotionally and sexually ,should be respected. HOWEVER, you need to somehow allow this behavior to be shown or proven to Holly in your own defense,if it is a deal-breaker and she is still wanting this to evolve into something. Second, I wasnt aware that when subs are being considered for service, that their "fantasies" took priority to requests of those he/she is to serve to describe other aspects of their personality to make them worthy of deeper consideration. Just an opinion,but as I have given you my 2 cents,feel free to give me change.....LOL..j/k Spanks! Neesa-jo

Sissyslave71 -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (2/26/2005 7:08:38 PM)
Im not a dominant at all but..... If he is pissing you off and making you unhappy....why bother? who needs it?

BeachMystress -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (2/26/2005 9:09:52 PM)
In my experience, men like this turn out to be shopping list subs. They have a very strong ideas of what submission will be like. They expect you will follow their fantasies. He continues because no doesn't mean no to him. It means no for the next 5 mins and then bug me again till I give in to you. He is not respecting you. While the submissive can expect to get some of their needs met, they are NOT the one whose fantasy is being lived out. It is the Domme's. He is a user at this point. He might be salvageable if someone has a long talk with him about what being submissive really means. Not all subs have had any direction. They tend to fixate on something, and they haven't been taught to put it aside in favor of the Domme's needs. At this point, it sounds like the man wants a kinky relationship rather than to be submissive. He expects his input to be more important than your desires. As someone said, this isn't going to get better over time. It is going to get worse unless something is done. Do you have the time and energy to take on what might be a losing battle with the other things going on in your life? Do consider, if this guy is compatible otherwise, it might be worth it. Most subs out there haven't had any direction and will feel they are entitled to act like spoiled children instead of subs. You may want to have him buy you both a copy of Training With Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners by Christina Abernathy. I'm currently reading it and it has some good ideas in it. It might help open the eyes of someone like him. Good luck and my best to you and Holly.

SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/12/2005 9:01:42 PM)
Well, I just talked to the guy again - and even though he was no longer under consideration, he AGAIN started talking about his fantasies and turn ons ... when I pointed out to him that I didn't like that then and I still don't, all of a sudden he started going on and on about how selfish we are (OMG, a Domme not wanting to hear a "submissive's" fantasies nonstop ... how selfish of Her!!), and that what we are looking for doesn't exist ... I hope that he wakes up some day.

selphaware -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 9:55:42 AM)
i don't think You're being unreasonable at all! and actually, quietkitten and MsSilvie have already said some of the things i would have offered up...but i'll repeat that if basic D/s compatibility has already been established, and You're simply trying to shine some light on possible compatibility in other areas, then it sounds like he is being disrespectful and inappropriately controlling. he of course has every right to want to feel on his end that You and he will be compatible, sure, but if You've already made Your basic D/s interests clear, then it really sounds like he's just using the interaction as stroke-material instead of truly trying to learn about You and share thoughts on the things that don't necessarily make him horny (and i only have this thread to go on, don't know You or Holly or the guy in question, and am not presuming to speak with infallibility here! just trying to help...). but it is true that You have it within Your power on each of these occasions to either give in to his pressures or to instead insist on things proceeding in a way that makes You feel satisfied and respected... very best of luck to You! s.

onceburned -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 10:19:30 AM)
quote: how selfish we are (OMG, a Domme not wanting to hear a "submissive's" fantasies nonstop ... how selfish of Her!!), and that what we are looking for doesn't exist ... It exists. Just not in his little fantasy world.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 10:43:16 AM)
I think your inner masochist is showing :) You're still talking to this guy, you deserve what you know you will get! No sympathy from me.

SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 12:52:50 PM)
I am not looking for sympathy - At first I was looking for advice, now I'm just giving an update. In between the decision that we were not compatable enough and the conversation last night, we had 2 or 3 very good conversations - none of which required redirection at all ... so this isn't a case of "I know what I will get" because immediately after the decision, he stopped his constant fantasy sharing with me. I made the mistake of thinking that it would last, yes ... but everyone makes mistakes and I freely admit that I am not perfect. So again, I am not lookign for sympathy, I don't want sympathy, from you or anyone else.

EmeraldSlave2 -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 1:12:58 PM)
Sorry Sweet I guess my tone didn't come across- I was being sarcastic. I found it amusing that he tried valiantly to turn you to his favor and then when you resisted, got angry and tried to diminish you.

SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 1:50:21 PM)
Ah the joys of online communication ... confusion cleared, I'm all beter now [:)]

Spike1777 -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 3:12:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes I am not looking for sympathy - At first I was looking for advice, now I'm just giving an update. In between the decision that we were not compatable enough and the conversation last night, we had 2 or 3 very good conversations - none of which required redirection at all ... so this isn't a case of "I know what I will get" because immediately after the decision, he stopped his constant fantasy sharing with me. I made the mistake of thinking that it would last, yes ... but everyone makes mistakes and I freely admit that I am not perfect. So again, I am not lookign for sympathy, I don't want sympathy, from you or anyone else. Not really sympathy, but I am sorry to hear hat your relationship did not work out. It sounded like it certainly had some promise. I do have a question though. Since it was a D/s relationship from the start, why did you not simply discipline him. Communication is extremely important in all relationships and a good caneing would had made your point more understandable. spike

SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 3:37:07 PM)
We didn't discipline him mostly because of the fact that we had not progressed to the point of meeting face to face. We go relatively slow with people that we have met online (although, not as slow as one person who said that every D/s relationship should start with 2 years of online domination [8\|]). We chat online for awhile first - we trade pics - we exchange phone numbers - then if everything is still going well, we meet face to face. And we are quite clear about the fact that the first meeting at least starts 'vanilla' - if we can't get along in every day things, then we won't get along once the D/s is added. Of the boys that we have met face to face, the first meetings with 3 of them were short - overnight at the longest - and they were all vanilla and entirely nonsexual. With one of them, we met him at a munch first, so not really vanilla, but we hadn't gone to the meeting intending to engage in D/s with him either ... we were just meeting some friends that we had been chatting with online. The other two were here for at least 4 days, and those didn't stay vanilla the whole time, but they did for the first day or so at least. We also don't punish bad behavior, in general - we ignore it. When he would go on and on, I did not reply. I would wait until he started another topic before I would talk with him again. This pattern works well with some people, not so well with him, obviously.

MaitresseEden -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 5:08:20 PM)
Sounds like a Wanker to me.. cares more about his own fantasies than anything else. I try to limit the # of phone conversations until I've met a person in real life, otherwise it is easy to fall into the Tell me your fantasy traps. I respond with, If I tell you, you won't be surprised when then happen. Ms. Eden

Spike1777 -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 6:06:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SweetDommes We also don't punish bad behavior, in general - we ignore it. I think that, all in all, I would prefer a good caneing to being ignored. At least with discipline, the problem point is explained. I feel that by ignoring the problem the lines of communication are disrupted. But you are the Dominant and obviously have lots of experience as I am, the sub, just starting out. respectfully spike

SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 7:10:16 PM)
We only ignore the problem behaviors - if a boy is observent, then he knows what the problem behavior is and he will modify it. Since we will respond to behaviors that are not a problem inbetween problem behavior incidences, it isn't that difficult to figure out what the problem is - especially since the first time or two that it happens, we point out that we don't like it. And the fact that you would rather be punished physically is part of why we won't - doing something that you dislike is a better behavior modifier. If you've been told that a behavior is bad, and you continue to do it, I will ignore it ... and if that doesn't work, I'll ignore you entirely (as in, the relationship - whatever level it has achieved - will be over).

Spike1777 -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 7:24:50 PM)
I agree that if you tell me that a specific behaviour is bad, then I would make every effort to stop, change, or modify it. But really have a problem with being ignored. My ex Domme friend did that to me at the end of our relationship, but she had every right to. thanks for not punishing me physically... I have a low threshhold of pain............ Behavior Modification seems like a worth while subject. There are several behaviors that I would like to modify. respectfully little spike

SweetDommes -> RE: Am I being unreasonable? (4/13/2005 7:34:43 PM)
Most submissives that we have run across do have a problem with being ignored - which is why it is an affective means of behavior modification. If they are told that we dislike something, and they do it again anyway, we will typically ignore it - then they will either figure out what they are doing wrong and stop doing it, or they will get pissy and leave ... in which case they wouldn't work out here anyway.

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