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Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 9:43:03 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		So, we've been talking to a potential sub for a couple weeks now, off and on. I get along great with him most of the time, and Holly got along with him pretty well when she talked to him last night (with one exception - we really shouldn't discuss politics some days). But the last 3 or 4 times that I have talked to him, he will say to me "can I tell you something I thought of?" or "can I tell you something I've fantacized about?" ... if I say no, then he will ask me later "please can I tell you" or "are you sure you don't want to hear it" ... I cannot get his mind off of it until he's said it, no matter how many times I tell him that I am not interested, no matter how many time I try to redirect the conversation. So eventually, just so I can get him to move on to a different topic, I say, "fine, just tell me" (and of course, the attitude that it's said with hasn't sunk in yet, obviously). He will go on and on at length with whatever fantasy he has come up with this time (and by now, they are pretty much just variations on the first 5 that he told me, so nothing of particular interest to me ... not that I was all that interested to begin with, but whatever). Then at the end, he will ask me "so does that turn you on?" or "would you like that?" ...

Now, this really pisses me off, for a number of reasons. First, just because of how I am wired, what does it for me one day will turn me to ice the next, so I don't commit to anything when it comes to what turns me on/off and I have told him that repeatedly. Second, it seems to me like he is trying to top from the bottom ... trying to bring the focus onto himself, but without seeming like it (since he does always ask if I would like it, or if it turns me on) ... Third, since we have only been talking to him for a short while, I still want to know if there is anything outside of D/s for us to talk about - we want this to be a long term, live in arrangement, and I can't live with someone who only talks about his fantasies with me.

Am I unreasonable for wanting him to stay off of the topic of his fantasies? Am I unreasonable for not wanting to answer his questions about whether or not I like his little scenarios?

I just want some feedback before I tell him that if he can't stay off the topic, I'm done with him. Holly really likes him so far, which makes it a little more difficult to just say that I'm tired of his shit. She also understands why he is getting frustrated with me (I answer his "would you like that" questions with "I don't know, I haven't done it" normally), so I feel like she thinks that I'm being unreasonable with this ... so I just want to see what others think.

Miss Karen
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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 9:48:15 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


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quote:


I just want some feedback before I tell him that if he can't stay off the topic, I'm done with him. Holly really likes him so far, which makes it a little more difficult to just say that I'm tired of his shit. She also understands why he is getting frustrated with me (I answer his "would you like that" questions with "I don't know, I haven't done it" normally), so I feel like she thinks that I'm being unreasonable with this ... so I just want to see what others think.

Miss Karen


It might be his kink- telling people what he gets excited about, could be a form of phone sex. Tell him that he has to write every fantasy and idea down from now until when you meet when he can present the book to you to read.

It's a good show of faith and whether his frustration about feedback will overcome a self-discipline so you can see exactly what raw material you are working with.

As far as what's reasonable- hey, he's annoying you, there's a clear reason why. Tell him what's going on and what your preferences are. Since when is being in authority about reasonability when it comes to little things like this?

(in reply to SweetDommes)
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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 9:53:58 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		Ok... two cents from the woman with no experience so feel free to ignore me....

It sounds like this is REALLY bugging you. If it is making you upset, it is making you upset. You have been clear that it is bothering you, and yet he persists.
So, you have to ask... if he is doing this now, will he get worse as time goes on? If he is not listening to you now, will he ever listen to you?


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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 9:56:23 AM   
SweetDommes


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Status: offline 		It is really bugging me ... and that is exactly what I'm worried about. He hasn't done this to Holly yet though, so she doesn't seem to see it as a problem.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:03:57 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		Like I said, feel free to ignore my opinion (I am not experienced in this lifestyle at all!! lol), but it seems that this may become a bigger problem later on.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:13:11 AM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		Is he using this conversation as a tool to try to find out what you like, or if you are compatable with him? Is he trying to communicate about what he finds exciting and interesting? Personally, I wouldn't involve myself with a dominant or submissive or anything inbetween that tells me my fantasies/desires/needs/thoughts are meaningless to them. Everyone is into D/s for their own fulfillment. Even when you find a sub that says they are only in it to make the dom happy, guess what, that is still a need of the submissive that they are looking to fulfill. And it's a mighty rare sub whose ONLY need is to make a dominant happy.

Is he using you to flesh out his masterbatory fantasies and that is all he can talk about? Then I would give that a long hard look before I continued with it too. Relationships involve real people, with needs and thoughts and desires. The other person in a relationship can't be replaced by a script or some image that the person holds of you, or you of them.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:16:28 AM   
SweetDommes


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Status: offline 		I know that he needs fullfillment too - but since I have told him repeatedly that I am not interested in his fantasies at this point, and that I wish to talk about other things until I know if we are compatable outside of D/s (since he has stated that he does want a 'full' relationship involving things other than the BDSM/D/s aspects), I think it's acceptable for me to tell him "no, I don't want to hear it" and expect him to move on to another topic. What I don't find acceptable is that he WON'T move on to other topics, and apparently, Holly doesn't think that I should expect him to.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:26:54 AM   
MsSilvie


Posts: 248
Joined: 2/4/2005
Status: offline 		Have you established your compatability with the D/s component already? And, I'm assuming that the primary basis of the potential relationship is a D/s one? For some folks, D/s is all sexual in nature. For some, it's not. No one should have to feel they are running a Domme-on-Demand service, but if I say I'm interested in a D/s relationship, expect that there should be a some conversations about D/s.

Maybe you, your partner, and he need to talk about expectations and set some ground rules that everyone understands and agrees to. And once those are in place, don't back off them by letting him direct you into a conversation you have already said you don't want. He can try to top from the bottom, only you can allow him to succeed.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:30:56 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		As we are quite clear that we want people who are compatable outside of D/s as well as in D/s, and that we want people who can hold conversations with us that do not all revolve around sex/sexual things, I don't think it's too much to ask that he be able to follow that rather simple guideline.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:32:51 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

First, *hugs!* and good to see You here!

Secondly, my advice would be to refer him to Holly when this begins to happen. It annoys You, Holly doesn't seem to have a problem with it so let Her handle it. Either he'll start to annoy Her as well or She'll be fine with it and keep him occupied so he's not disturbing You. At any rate it should all come out in the wash eventually!

Lastly, if it turns out that it doesn't bother Holly and he continues to bother You then just find a pursuit that He dislikes and allow him his questions/topics in return for his participation in the disliked activity. my guess is that he'll learn to take his topics to Holly where there more acceptable or that he'll learn to pick his battles more wisely!

Well wishes!!

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:36:21 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Destinysskeins

Greetings,

First, *hugs!* and good to see You here!

Secondly, my advice would be to refer him to Holly when this begins to happen. It annoys You, Holly doesn't seem to have a problem with it so let Her handle it. Either he'll start to annoy Her as well or She'll be fine with it and keep him occupied so he's not disturbing You. At any rate it should all come out in the wash eventually!

Well wishes!!


*hugs back* nice to talk to you again ... finally :-P

Problem is ... he doesn't do it to Holly (or he hasnt' yet) which is why she doesn't see a problem with it.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:43:48 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		*grins* i bet he will if You don't listen! And, like i said, if that doesn't work make him earn his conversation!

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 10:59:27 AM   
Tempestspet


Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps he doesn't do it to Holly, because you are the one he feels he is having to win over, and isn't quite getting there.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 11:11:32 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
Status: offline 		He's been talking to me longer ... and anyway, if he's annoying me, and I've told him that he's annoying me, then he needs to figure out a better way to win me over, eh? LOL

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 11:15:25 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

if he's annoying me, and I've told him that he's annoying me, then he needs to figure out a better way to win me over, eh? LOL


You said exactly what I was thinking lol

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 11:23:26 AM   
SweetDommes


Posts: 3313
Joined: 10/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: quietkitten

quote:

if he's annoying me, and I've told him that he's annoying me, then he needs to figure out a better way to win me over, eh? LOL


You said exactly what I was thinking lol


Well, you know ... great minds think alike (or is that twisted minds think alike ... hhhmmmm.... LOL)

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 11:29:48 AM   
quietkitten


Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
Status: offline 		I am pretty sure it's twisted minds..... yup definitely twisted minds..

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 11:56:24 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

He's been talking to me longer ... and anyway, if he's annoying me, and I've told him that he's annoying me, then he needs to figure out a better way to win me over, eh? LOL


Hmm some people just aren't good at that. Specially in this beginning stage I think it would be simpler to just let him know how you feel and offer either a suggestion of compromise or say to stop completely. Or just that it's not going to work and end discussions completely.

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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 12:18:34 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes
I have talked to him, he will say to me "can I tell you something I thought of?" or "can I tell you something I've fantacized about?" ... if I say no, then he will ask me later "please can I tell you" or "are you sure you don't want to hear it" ... I cannot get his mind off of it until he's said it, I say, "fine, just tell me"
Am I unreasonable for wanting him to stay off of the topic of his fantasies? Am I unreasonable for not wanting to answer his questions about whether or not I like his little scenarios?

I just want some feedback before I tell him that if he can't stay off the topic, I'm done with him. Holly really likes him so far, which makes it a little more difficult to just say that I'm tired of his shit. She also understands why he is getting frustrated with me (I answer his "would you like that" questions with "I don't know, I haven't done it" normally)
Miss Karen

He sounds like a bratty controlling little sub to me, but don't go on my advice, I'm no expert. I don't think you're unreasonable in not wanting to let him control the subject of conversation; I would say what I need to say, than allow him to ask questions or raise concerns in that manner.

The bigger problem seems to be that Holly likes him/is attracted, and is going to feel like you've destroyed the chance you 3 had if you tell the boy "Not to let the door hit him on his way out"... What to do, I've no Idea (keeping one partner happy is a big enough job for me), because though I'd know what to do with the boy, I would be inclined like you are to try harder and give him more chances since Holly seems to like him so. Good luck, and I would love to hear how this turns out. M


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RE: Am I being unreasonable? - 2/25/2005 1:19:26 PM   
NATI


Posts: 177
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quote:

He sounds like a bratty controlling little sub to me


I second this opinion. I think it's absolutely essential to learn what makes a sub 'tick' and to hear about his fantasies. BUT - If he is constantly re-directing discussions in the manner you suggest - it sounds like a little bit of a game to me. I would not cave in under it. I would simply tell him that I made my stance clear. When I am ready to go back to that topic, I will. Because he made such a big stink of it, he has lost that opportunity for the night. Any further mention of it - and all discussion will end. Period.

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