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There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/9/2007 10:38:16 PM

GahanGore

Posts: 4
Joined: 1/9/2007
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My wife of 4 years recently admitted that she is intrigued and turned on by the idea of being submissive to me, both in a sexual setting, and over an extended period, such as a certain chosen day.

Before she told me this we had some light bondage and spanking as a part of our healthy sex lives, both of which I enjoy too.

I am delighted that, at 39, she has sex fantasies and I'm flattered that she felt comfortable enough to tell me of them. My problem (maybe not the right word) is this:
I generally do a lot for my wife, in and out of bed, and I really want to help her to realise pleasure, cos, obviously, that gives me pleasure too.
How do I go about becoming Dominant in this scenario? What are the rules? How do you "switch-off" again afterwards and go back to your usual dynamic? What's expected of me - can I make her do things she's expressed no interest for in the past?

I've always felt a little self-conscious in "role-playing" situations, either in bed or like the kinds of things they make sales people do at work. How do I get over that self-consciousness? It's not that I'm against the idea of introducing this element into our relationship, far from it. I just never really considered it before, so I'm a bit of a noob!

Post #: 1

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/9/2007 10:59:25 PM

simplyangelic1

Posts: 186
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

I can't offer much help with your situation but the best advice I can tell you is to evaluate all that is offered to you and pick out those things that you and your wife feel comfortable with. There are no right or wrong ways in the lifestyle. You just need to find what works for you. The most important thing is communication. Talk with your wife, find out from her how far she wants to go with this. Is it just in the bedroom, or does she want you to be more in control of things in general. Being a Dominant doesn't mean that you have to stop doing things for her as you have in the past. As for making her do something she has no interest in or getting her to try something new, again communication is key. Talking about it before hand, finding out fears, what it might be about an activity she doesn't find appealing, also telling her that if she tries it and really honestly doesn't like it at all that you won't do it again might help. It is important for both parties to keep an open mind when trying new things.

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 2

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/9/2007 11:37:19 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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Ok, the easiest place to start is that using the fact that she's giving you permission to be a little selfish. What things do you normally around the house do that she can do? Take out trash...wash dishes, etc. What kinds of things do you REALLY like in bed? You get extra of that. Hell, wrap a sheet around you and play at having her feed you grapes if you want. If it won't harm her, you might consider denying her orgasms. Have her run around the house all weekend naked and not be able to sit on the furniture (I recommend allowing her a towel and pillow to sit on) and call you Sir or Lord. Even things that seem silly at first can be deeply rewarding by the end of the period.

Over all, reward her with something she likes for good behavior. Express your displeasure at her poor behavior. Most of all, discuss all your ideas with her before hand so that you know you don't step on some psychological landmines and set up a way for her to say she's got a problem ("Sir, I need to talk with you," works well.)

My suggestion about how to end it...write out a statement that says the service will begin at such a time and date and end at such as time and date. When the end comes, go do one of the things that she was supposed to do, or, give her control over you in the bedroom. For most, I'd think that'd get you out of Dom space.

Best of luck! Enjoy.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 3

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 12:47:36 AM

mgdartist

Posts: 328
Joined: 5/13/2006
From: irving tx
Status: offline

I agree with the above post, especially about being selfish, as thats the way to unlock the part of you she likely seeks. As a Dom, this is my first venture in giving advice here, but what you wrote made me wonder if youre indeed a Dom (no offense). Fact is, if my wife or lady revealed something like that, my mind would surge and I'd begin with doing what I damn well wanted with her, and not anything but. What she might want she'd only get if it was part of what I wanted, and If not, I'd worry over that later. You know your wife well I suspect man, but I don't know that you really understand what she's telling you. I so want to say she wants you to just be mean, within reason, but thats not entirely correct. What she really wants is you at your most manly, dominant, sexually overbearing best. Utterly self-assured, knowing exactly what you want of her, and she wants to give it to you. I doubt she wants you fretting over what she might want, so DON'T ask her, that will queer it up.
You're lucky, and she likely wants you to feel precisely that. So it's pretty simple really....
Go be lucky.
If you appreciate her efforts and submissive generosity, at least wait till after you've played the cruel, strict, demanding Dom to show her some affection. Make no mistake, domming well requires a bit of a mental leap from even the most perpetual sadists, requiring focus, concentration, control and imagination. The only advice I can give you on how to make that leap, is my "why" of making it: Knowing the delights that await me on the other side. If that don't work for ya, see my sigline...lol.

MGD

_____________________________

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(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 4

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 3:27:00 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
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I think MFM has the right idea. Yes, be selfish, but I would tread somewhat slowly. She may not be aware of what she wants. She may have read some "stories"..they sounded hot so she wants to try; however, reality is seldom like a story. She may have read how a slave sinks gracefully to her kness, etc. and it sounded great! Try sinking to your knees...unless you are in really good shape, um, forget it. Definitely talk over ideas...don't go in all blindly demanding this and that. Be selfish. But watch her for reactions. Having her stay naked all weekend is a great start...as is some role play. It may seem silly and even uncomfortable, but you might be surprised at the benefits! Above all, have some fun with it! Don't be so damned grim and serious that you two don't at least find pleasure in what you are doing. You're allowed to crack jokes, smile, even laugh and so is she!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 3:47:11 AM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

Slap her, spit in her mouth, grab her by the hair and lead her to the bedroom where you make her ass red.

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You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 6

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 8:45:12 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mgdartist
As a Dom, this is my first venture in giving advice here, but what you wrote made me wonder if youre indeed a Dom (no offense).

Just because he doesn't react like you doesn't mean he's any less a Dom. Sometimes, we have a LOT of social programming to overcome. I still find myself "picking up" because company's coming...when the "company" is the houseboy. I do it so automatically because it's a southern womanly thing to do that I was taught as a child. I have to deliberately put the glass back on the coffee table sometimes. Does that make me less a Master?

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mgdartist)

Post #: 7

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 9:15:38 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Well, you have quite the opportunity here. What you don't want to do is jump in with both feet and freak her out!

My advice? Baby steps. She's attracted to the sensual side of things by the sound of it, so work with that: research phenomena such as "sensation play", "Domestic Discipline", "Head Of Household".

You might find that something as straightforward as setting a few rules, controlling her orgasms and spanking without sex (punishment!) satisfies her fledgeling submissive desires just fine.

I've found that there's no real need to change the way you interact too much, so long as you're sure she knows who's in control

As for coming down from a session/playscene/whatever....nothing much beats a cuddle.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 8

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 9:32:39 AM

desertdancer

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Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

First I would sit down with your wife and ask her what it is she thinks she is asking for. As Bandit said real life isn't what's written in stories that make a person all hot and bothered. Then I would take some time out and think about what it is you'd like, sexually or not, and see how they compare to her 'romantic' idea of what she is asking for. Being under someone else's power isn't always fun, it isn't always graceful (though we all strive for it), sometimes we are asked or told to do things that we may not want to do right then, or even at all. She will need to uderstand this and you will have to be the one to lead her with a firm but caring hand.

You said your not always comfy with role play, on this I'd say fake it till ya make it. If your finding humour in what the two of you are doing, it's okay to laugh, your doing it for enjoyment. If this is right for you, then at some point you'll no longer be "fakin' it"

~dancer

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* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 9

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 9:38:08 AM

farglebargle

Posts: 10715
Joined: 6/15/2005
From: Albany, NY
Status: offline

quote:

How do I go about becoming Dominant in this scenario? What are the rules?

Think EGO-TESTICAL, and you'll do fine.

_____________________________

It's not every generation that gets to watch a civilization fall. Looks like we're in for a hell of a show.

ברוך אתה, אדוני אלוקינו, ריבון העולמים, מי יוצר צמחים ריחניים

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 10

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 9:48:04 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

How do I go about becoming Dominant in this scenario? What are the rules? How do you "switch-off" again afterwards and go back to your usual dynamic? What's expected of me -

Gore -
Don't know what is expected of you. Step one - ASK and discuss. You are in charge. But no one hands you a magic hat, leather pants, and vest making you a mind reader. If the question was changed to "what should be expected" the answer I would give is for you to be yourself. Don't "act", don't even "switch off". Be consistent., look for opportunities to establish or enforce the dynamic you seek.

quote:

can I make her do things she's expressed no interest for in the past?

I don't know - can you? You "may" if that is your collective desire. Whether you can or not depends on you.

quote:

I've always felt a little self-conscious in "role-playing" situations, either in bed or like the kinds of things they make sales people do at work. How do I get over that self-consciousness

There is no requirement for "role-play". Trying to role-play 24/7 will fail. Nobody can act for an indefinite period of time. It takes effort and energy. It's my opinion that time is a good tool and is an essential way to measure a person's nature for the very reason that role-playing and acting can't be maintained.

It's often the answer and it may seem as the lamest you'll get, but - be yourself. If you are passing by the fridge and want a soda and feel like getting it yourself - do so. Newspaper on the floor, bothers you pick it up. Now you can look at these exact two things and use them to advance or establish your dynamic. If you have a rule that no dirty dishes should be in the sink and you had put it in the dishwasher - it becomes a method to establish discipline in your relationship. If you want the paper and coffee served to you in bed each morning - make it a ritual that she is to follow.

USE the mundane and the routine as often as possible as a foundation of your dynamic. In a 24/7 you'll have more mundane/routine than you will whips/chains and sessions. The goal is to make as little as possible mundane/routine. As a for instance; I get greeted each morning by beth serving me coffee in bed, my 'cream' is whip cream presented upon her nipples. There have been over 1400 such mornings in our life together. To us "morning coffee" is something to look forward to.

There are limitless opportunities for similar actions. Some call them 'rituals'. I always recommend that you sit down as a couple and discuss your collective goals. You don't need all the answers. You'll find them as you go. Write out a 'contract'. Not because its binding or because you must to be in the "club", but because it serves as a guide for your responsibilities and hers.

Hell - this can go on forever. Basically-enjoy the journey and don't worry about "doing it right" - just do it.

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 11

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/10/2007 11:38:41 PM

GahanGore

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Joined: 1/9/2007
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Thanks for all that replied. I guess I just have some long-held beliefs to overcome and start being more selfish.
Like I said, it is an exciting development, I just don't want to do anything to break what wasn't broken before...

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 12

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/11/2007 2:32:36 AM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GahanGore

Thanks for all that replied. I guess I just have some long-held beliefs to overcome and start being more selfish.
Like I said, it is an exciting development, I just don't want to do anything to break what wasn't broken before...

I understand what you are thinking, but don't think it's totally selfish. Remember that it's a mutually fulfilling desire, you want certain things, she as well wants to be pushed to do certain things...it's never a one sided selfish senario, so don't get a guilt feeling over it. I agree with some of the other posters however, go slowly and by all means, take some time to just communicate with each other about expectations. If all goes well, at some point you won't need that "off" switch.

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Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 13

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/11/2007 4:11:38 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mgdartist

If you appreciate her efforts and submissive generosity, at least wait till after you've played the cruel, strict, demanding Dom to show her some affection.

Bad advice!

To the OP being a Dom does not need to involve being cruel, super strict or demanding.

There are times being strict is very important but it is more important to know when to be that way. You are both just trying this so it will take a while to get a feel for it. Do talk to her, part of being a good Master is knowing your sub's inner most being and desires.

As to demanding, the best Doms i have ever seen actually demand very little yet receive much as the sub or slave involved is usually zealous to please them (some SAM's excepted).

But cruelty should never be a factor.

I give more for that gentle stroking of my hair while i am curled around Scooter's feet than i ever would for someone being cruel.

Much as my Master noted it is not actually a selfish thing you are doing as in reality you are giving her what she desires. I get off more from just being allowed to serve Scooter than i do from a lot of things.

Take your time, explore, enjoy this. MFM's suggestion of how to start and end this are good ones.

Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of her owner or of the little green men that follow her around all day all day.

This post may or may not cite its references or sources.

The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw...

IMPORTANT: This post is intended for the use of the individual to whom I was responding and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any whining, bitching or taking personally of this post is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social fauxpas.

No animals were harmed in the composition of this post, although Benji is authorized to hump your leg and piss on your carpet for taking the contents of afore mentioned post and either embracing it as personal or responding with any sentence containing the words " weal" or " twue" or any other Fuddism for that matter.
(Mnottertail holding a written grant of exception to this rule).

My opinion is neither copyrighted nor trademarked; If you like, I'll trade for one of yours.

< Message edited by twicehappy -- 1/11/2007 4:14:35 AM >

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(in reply to mgdartist)

Post #: 14

RE: There's a new game we like to play, you see... - 1/11/2007 4:36:51 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GahanGore

What are the rules? How do you "switch-off" again afterwards and go back to your usual dynamic? What's expected of me - can I make her do things she's expressed no interest for in the past?

These are the questions I would like to address.

The rules are...do what feels right and natural. You are blessed to already be in a relationship where you know each other pretty well. You have no idea how lucky this makes you! You care deeply for her obviously and that will carry you well. Now all you need to do is start allowing yourself to give into some really fun explorations. One of the things I always recommend is finding a good BDSM checklist (just do an internet search for BDSM checklist and they will pop up) and each of you fill them out. Then compare answers and dream

.

The question of "switching off" would perhaps be easier to understand if you consider it more of a "cooling off"...it should be a process similar to coming down from a high. After you have played, spend some time cuddling and talking. Discuss what worked for you and what didnt. As you discuss these things together, holding and carressing you will start feeling a bit more "grounded in reality" as it were. And its a wonderful way to affirm all that you shared when you were "on".

What is expected of you is that you keep her safe, that you do not harm her, that you take control and that you make sure everything falls under the consensual rule. As far as doing things she has expressed no interest in..you will find once you do the checklist there may be all kinds of things that she expressed no interest in before suddenly starting to look good. And if she is still not interested but it is something you very much want to try..well...its a good time to learn the difference between no interest and limits...as long as its not something she calls a limit..it should be fair game..as long as it still falls under the "do no harm" clause.

Good luck..but I sense you will do wonderfully.

edited to add..

here is a pretty good checklist..there may be better ones but for a starter I think this might work for you

http://www.bdsm-education.com/checklist.html

< Message edited by RedSavageSlave -- 1/11/2007 4:44:26 AM >

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My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to GahanGore)

Post #: 15

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