Newbies and Mentors

Newbies and Mentors (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion

Message

Trampler -> Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 7:08:34 AM)
I don't know if this topic has been posted before,but oh well. Newbies: When you decide that you want to check out BDSM, please check out your local community 1st! Go to munches, public parties, other events, meet as many people as you can. Ask about mentoring. Regardless of what role,(sub,slave,switch,Dom/Domme,etc.) you are, I cannot stress this enough!!! Ask who is responsible, who isn't. Who is availible for safe calls,and of course if you haven't already: research,research,research!!!

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 7:20:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Trampler I don't know if this topic has been posted before,but oh well. Newbies: When you decide that you want to check out BDSM, please check out your local community 1st! Go to munches, public parties, other events, meet as many people as you can. quote: Ask about mentoring. Regardless of what role,(sub,slave,switch,Dom/Domme,etc.) you are, I cannot stress this enough!!! Don't, please don't. The ones who volunteer to be a mentor are rarely the ones you actually want to be a mentor. you don't need a mentor for vanilla situations and you don't need one in Ds either. quote: Ask who is responsible, who isn't. quote: No- decide for yourself who is responsible and who isn't. quote: Who is availible for safe calls,and of course if you haven't already: research,research,research!!! If you're already out and about, you don't need safe calls. My advice for Novice Female Submissives Newbie! At a loss I'm a new domme seeking advice Does a slave also have to be a fool? sub: totally new concept Questions for other newbies The Journey Starting Out New to the Life, Help How to deal? Request for Advice Advice please: Relationships, bdsm, love and boundaries First time sub seeking you advice- how to find the right master? First time sub seeking advice a newbie seeking advice How can I be a great sub? Brand new life Help needed Emotional Rollercoaster Welcoming newbies New to this Just a few questions Do's and Dont's http://www.collarchat.com/m_716311/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#716334 submissive mentor http://www.collarchat.com/m_519882/mpage_1/key_mentoring/tm.htm#519990 What exactly is a mentor supposed to do for/with a submissive? http://www.collarchat.com/m_95421/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#95421 Mentors/Protectors for newbies dom/domme? http://www.collarchat.com/m_139851/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#139851 Out of my depth, patience and its virtues http://www.collarchat.com/m_149477/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#149477 My advice for novice female submissives http://www.collarchat.com/m_210166/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#210166 Mentors, what are they and how do they help? http://www.collarchat.com/m_283883/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#283883 Mentors http://www.collarchat.com/m_493886/mpage_1/key_mentors/tm.htm#493886 Mentors (2)

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 8:57:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Trampler I don't know if this topic has been posted before,but oh well. Newbies: When you decide that you want to check out BDSM, please check out your local community 1st! Go to munches, public parties, other events, meet as many people as you can. Ask about mentoring. Regardless of what role,(sub,slave,switch,Dom/Domme,etc.) you are, I cannot stress this enough!!! Ask who is responsible, who isn't. Who is availible for safe calls,and of course if you haven't already: research,research,research!!! I agree and disagree with you and LA. I think that a mentor can be a valuable thing...even in vanilla relationships (don't we often talk about them with our friends and whatnot, asking their opinions?). In fact, I think if we had more qualified mentors, we'd be much better off. Note I said "qualified". I'd not ask around about mentors; that is a good way to find the predators. I'd watch quietly over an extended period of time...and not choose the one I really want to sleep with. You don't have to find one the first week, month or even year. It's ok to watch for a long time in order to discern if the person you want is of good character. Most don't wait that long, though...and sometimes we learn about what we don't want because of relationships gone bad. Master Fire

MistressYlwa -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 9:17:09 AM)
In 1975 I met a wonderful woman, who mentored me. She brought me into her home and shared her husband/slave with me (not sexually), to teach me more about the life I had entered. The internet was not readily available then and there was limited access to information. People were not open about their preferences and she opened the doors to others in the community. So what she offered was invaluable to me. While there is an abundance of information online and groups in most major cities, the personal aspect still appeals to me. Personally, I love mentoring. While I agree that not everyone should be a mentor, especially in the case of sexual attraction. I do not mentor sexual aspects of the lifestyle. Nor do I "train" slaves. Every dominant is different and desires different things from their slave/sub. However a mentor can serve as a buffer, advisor, arbitrator, and protector to a newbie. This applies to new slaves/subs or dominants. Mistress Ylwa

LadyHugs -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 9:33:56 AM)
Dear MasterFireMaam, Ladies and Gentlemen; As a long time mentor in my community, I have had referrals made by other people and I am not a predator. The same as some of your associates have mentored and aren't predators. Not all mentors are predators and I'm a bit disappointed in the generalization. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

juliaoceania -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 9:40:11 AM)
FR The thing about mentors, most of the time we do not realize who they were to us until long after they exit our lives. Most mentors probably do not realize they are mentoring. At least that has been my experience

patina -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 9:43:55 AM)
not all of us even have places to go to for munches or clubs or anything. Patina

LadyHugs -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:04:45 AM)
Dear MistressYlwa, Ladies and Gentlemen; I began my life's path a few years prior to your start in 1975 myself. So, I do share your mind's eyes on the experiences that mentoring can provide, especially when given the personal opportunity to see a M/s (Master-slave) dynamic in action in a home setting and on a living the lifestyle aspects. Sadly, the times have changed and standards and ethics have changed as well. In the early 1970's where we came from, there was a more strict boundary of what was acceptable and what was not, inside the small inner circle and those wishing to be a part of it. It was indeed more selective and discrete in those days. It may be a time where it is a must to return to those times, as things rapidly get out of hand and a lot of misinformation is tossed about. To include the difference in living the lifestyle verses social/play lifestyle on weekends or intermittenly and or cyber. Mentoring can indeed be a window of opportunity to any individual novice, new or experienced person. Mentoring offers an opportunity to look at things in a different way, a second opinion, a guide, advisor, a teacher, a philosophy source, skills and techniques advisor, coach, cheerleader, judicious and source of inspiration. I also agree fully, with MistressYlwa--that each Master, Mistress, Dominant must train their own slaves and or submissives; as each has their own personal style of the service and relationships they seek. Only thing that BDSM support and education groups can provide are for the most part, an assembly of individuals that are in a variety of stages of experiences, roles and many more angles to look at the same thing. But, not all groups have individuals that live the lifestyle in their home and the majority seemingly is more into the social/play weekend relationships at this point and time. There is absolutely no ill of either venue. Each provides a needed function. But, I further add--that for the individuals who seek beyond the gateway of BDSM, that have exhausted their learning curves in groups, there is a need for more advanced individuals and those seeking to obtain a lifestyle in the privacy of their own homes. Only few 'academies' exist that even address this need. Until there are more academies or groups to address the need, mentoring is often the only remedy left. My own experiences started in house, with lifestyle Master-slaves. The experiences was never sexual but a cannon shot forward, without the books and opinions of authors but, hands on and eyes on the M/s dynamic in daily use. It produced my personal canons on how I wished my M/s life to be. It is how I operate today. In visiting others living in the lifestyle, the varieties are wonderful but, also very similar and, they were very real unto themselves. It is needed for this thread's understanding; that there are different approaches as it connects with mentoring. Perhaps addressing lifestyle alone or social/play BDSM practices. Mentoring addresses different aspects, to which I can see conflict at times due to the philosophies and correctly so, are different in some respects. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

toservez -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:06:49 AM)
Absolutes in specific actions are just wrong. So stating that becoming involved in BDSM you really have to get involved in your local community is wrong. Whether you should or should not have a mentor there is not a right answer. This also includes references, what might be good and right for one might be totally wrong for another. It is about what works best for that individual and getting their desires and goals accomplished and done in a smart and safe way which can be done in all sorts of ways. Personally as a person who does not care for local communities, I would still recommend them to at least give them a good try until you decide they are just not for you then to ignore them if they are available in your area.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:11:17 AM)
People who most need a mentor rarely have the skills to pick a good one. Just like those who most want to rule make horrible rulers, those who seek out people to mentor are rarely the ones who you want as a mentor. So these two trends are when I hear someone of being mentors I tend to assume they are idiots at best and assholes at worst. Those who speak of having mentors, especially multiple ones I tend to assing the label of drama queen or needy emotional vampires. If you are seeking someone to mentor you, wait until someone's actions, not their words, enthrall and impress you.

LadyHugs -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:13:40 AM)
Dear juliaoceania, Ladies and Gentlemen; Spot on comment about mentoring. Sometimes they leave our lives without actually being overtly a mentor. Sometimes our best mentor is one we watch and copy after, as we (in general terms) are inspired in so many ways. Most times it is the sea of humanity, as we walk among civilization in or out of the lifestyle that teaches us (in general terms) what lessons we seek. A lot transpose into the lifestyle and or daily life. The improvement to ourselves is often in the classroom of life. The quality of our (in general terms) life depends on the lessons we learn. We (in general terms) are all the richer for it. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:17:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHugs Dear MasterFireMaam, Ladies and Gentlemen; As a long time mentor in my community, I have had referrals made by other people and I am not a predator. The same as some of your associates have mentored and aren't predators. Not all mentors are predators and I'm a bit disappointed in the generalization. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs Referrals from other people are quite different than someone saying, "I'm a mentor." when you're asking aound for one. But, you're quite right...I did make a generalization; I had a specific picture in my head of a particular person I know and was writing about them. I am sorry that I didn't make this clearer. I still hold that it's best to simply observe and discern over a period of time. Master Fire

eyesopened -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:18:00 AM)
It took me a while after being in real-life relationships before i even knew there were local groups. All the folks on BDSM sites told me i had to have a Mentor. Some said i should have a another submissive as a mentor. i asked some of the munch group board members how to find a mentor. i was told just to ask someone i trusted. As a newbie how do you know who that is, exactly? But i asked around. i have yet to find anyone with the time and headspace available to be a mentor. It's not a bad idea, just not always available to everyone.

SimplyMichael -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:23:58 AM)
If you want a mentor, I am available. I am going to order you to get on your knees, naked with your cunt shaven. You are then ordered to get your ass on the phone and order two books. Dossie Easton's The Bottoming Book as well as The Topping Book. Read those two books and you can be as wise as 90% of the people who post here and 99% of those you are likely to run across in any scene outside of a major city. Oh and then take a few pictures and send them to me....

LadyHugs -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:26:29 AM)
Dear MasterFireMaam, Ladies and Gentlemen; I do agree to your second post. I do know you as a mentor. A good mentor. It is indeed different in saying one is a mentor and one who chases about saying they are a mentor and are about as effective as a screen door on a submarine. I agree totally, that the novice and or experienced, those who fall in between; must choose their mentors wisely. I feel for those individuals in our community, who lack access to good teachers, presenters and mentors. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

mirkala -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:41:23 AM)
mirkala thinks she needs a mentor. it's not sure for her in her country coz it's very traditional, one here wants to be her mentor?, please pm her.

MsOpal -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 10:51:04 AM)
When we first ventured out into the "real world" of bdsm activity we became members of two differnt but well respected groups who held munches and play parties as well as educational classes. At our first few parties we simply sat back and watched. We gradually made some friends and began to play a bit, but we still watched. Three totally different people stood out to us. Their play styles seemed to always epitomize playing with some edgy stuff, which appealed to us, while still being able to play as safely as possible and all enjoyed good reputations in the communities. We did not ask them to be mentors, we simply watched. At times I would approach one of them for advice about something they seemed well versed in. We went to talks they gave, we llistened, questioned and kept watching. They all seemed surprised in years to follow when I would comment that I thought of them as a "mentor from afar". We have been asked in the past to mentor as a couple because of our longevity and outward appearance of having a good solid relationship (not that we do not have a good one, just that we do not feel qualified to mentor anyone). We have been approached as individuals to mentor others. My normal reply is that I have no qualifications to be a mentor but I will always be glad to answer questions if I think I have anything of value to say on a subject. In the vanilla world we do have mentors - Big Brothers, Big Sisters; best friends; teachers; pastors; there are many different people in someoen's life that are looked up to in that way even if the relationship is not a 'formal' one. There are folks who will and do take advantage of others less informed than themselves. If you do not run out and grab the first bdsm person you see, if you take some time and look around you can indeed find people who are worth watching and listening to. it does not ahve to be a big deal and they do not even have to know. You can go to different people to learn new skills and they would be a teacher for you in that skill. I tend to think of a mentor as someone more all around whose manners, skills, knowledge, reputation and courtesy toward others combine to make a well rounded individual from whom we learn about more than just the proper way to crack a whip. But thats just my view. MsOpal

Fitznicely -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 11:08:59 AM)
I really wanted to add my comment to what's being said here, but it's all been said in far better ways than i can put together. I've had the privilege of being approached to mentor a couple of people. My reaction was basically "Wow, you trust me that much??" It's a huge compliment and a great responsibility. It's sad to know there's so many out there who'd abuse that honour. To answer the OP, not everyone has the option of following that advice. The best advice I could give a newbie is to hit google with some of your interests, use good judgement to sift through the dross and porn and do a lot of reading. Oh, and you can always ask questions on these boards...

crouchingtigress -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 11:22:37 AM)
we are all mentors here on this board whether we call it that or not...so to be the anti-mentor crowd is some what hypocritical. Op: while i agree with you on the spirit of your post, i have to say that for me, and otheres that that posted in the past, online BDSM was the best way to get my feet wet.

onestandingstill -> RE: Newbies and Mentors (1/10/2007 11:38:27 AM)
I too am in the camp when you're brand new to have someone with experience to help you figure things out is a good thing. Where would a Dom/Domme learn to throw a whip if no one taught them for example. I know you can be self taught, but it seems to me if you learn from an expert you learn way more than you would on your own. I don't recommend running around strangers, asking who they think would be good and finding a mentor you don't know much about. My Sir is brand new. What he's doing is he's in the community associating with people. Once he finds someone he likes as a friend and respects as a Dom he indeed wants to have a mentor to at minimum help him learn the ins and outs of scening safely and effectively. I think this is a good way to find someone to mentor under. What that mentorship entails will be different to each person I'm sure. suzanne

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875