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Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/26/2005 11:39:53 AM

drewsyerdaddy

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Joined: 1/25/2005
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Just wondering what a genuine sub/slave needs. I have contacted many women on this site and get very few responses. I feel its inappropriate to start commanding someone before I get to know them. Am I going about this wrong, it seems so much easyer to meet someone face to face and start discussing the lifestyle. My last sub grew a consience and went back to her kids and husband to live a vanilla life again. I want a full timer, and I feel that a sub would benifit from my attention. Yhankx for leting me vent a lil.[font="Trebuchet MS"]

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/26/2005 1:09:41 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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The philosophical answer is that everyone wants the same thing- fulfillment of self.

This requires figuring out who we are and what we want. That's the tricky part.

(in reply to drewsyerdaddy)

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/26/2005 1:32:31 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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quote:

Just wondering what a genuine sub/slave needs.

Food, water, sunlight, nutrients, emotional support, shelter, positive reinforcement, punishment when warrented, hugs, good conversation... The list is endless of course. However, I'm wondering what the qualifier 'genuine' means to you. Submissives are people (I'm not going to address the 'slave' concept here, for sake of my response, everyone's lumped into submissive, sorry), and people have basic needs.

quote:

I have contacted many women on this site and get very few responses. I feel its inappropriate to start commanding someone before I get to know them.

In the same way that no one can hurt me unless I let them, no one can command me unless I'm open to following that command. The ability to command is moot unless there's someone ready, willing and able to recieve a command and act on it.

One sub does not fit all.

quote:

Am I going about this wrong, it seems so much easyer to meet someone face to face and start discussing the lifestyle.

I dunno if you are going about this wrong...you haven't really explained in very much detail what your process or approach is.

quote:

My last sub grew a consience and went back to her kids and husband to live a vanilla life again. I want a full timer, and I feel that a sub would benifit from my attention. Yhankx for leting me vent a lil.

Yeah, I can see where a conscience would be a problem...not. Perhaps you might do better not to seek out the affections of a submissive who's not entirely able to be emotionally available to you. In other words, rather than being open to someone with that kind of baggage, you might do yourself a greater service by seeking out your local scene and finding a submissive who's totally single and looking.

How does a submissive benefit from your attention? What do you offer vis a vis this attention that sets you apart from the other Dominant males? My experience has been that a power exchange isn't based exclusively on the attention the Dom gives to the submissive. I think there has to be more than just mutual admiration to keep the exchange going.

That's my 2 cents worth,

Lily

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(in reply to drewsyerdaddy)

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/26/2005 3:49:53 PM

songbird26

Posts: 72
Joined: 1/16/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: drewsyerdaddy

Just wondering what a genuine sub/slave needs. I have contacted many women on this site and get very few responses. I feel its inappropriate to start commanding someone before I get to know them. Am I going about this wrong, it seems so much easyer to meet someone face to face and start discussing the lifestyle.

I'm taking a complete stab in the dark, here, since you haven't described your approach in any kind of detail. But from what you HAVE said, are you possibly one of those dominants who emails submissives with a demand that they supply a time, date and place for an immediate meeting? Or are you perhaps pushing for a face-to-face meeting very early on in a correspondance?

Sensible submissives will dismiss this kind of behavior out of hand and you will have just eliminated yourself from consideration. It's not safe or smart to meet someone face to face without getting a decent idea about their personality, ethics, desires, and possible compatibility. If you're not giving them that chance, then they won't give you a chance either. I generally don't meet someone face to face until I have corresponded with them for at least a month, have a face pic, know their name and address and phone number, and have spoken on the phone with them a few times at least.

It IS inappropriate to start commanding someone before you get to know them. So don't try. Start out by treating the submissives you're interested in as people, with minds and priorities and agendas of their own, and you're bound to get a better response.

(in reply to drewsyerdaddy)

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/26/2005 9:31:31 PM

Tempestspet

Posts: 360
Joined: 1/13/2005
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I think what a sub or slave needs / wants varies somewhat. Some want playtime, no real commitment. Some want the whole deal, collar, 24/7, and to be fullfilled by the relationship.

You are right in that you shouldn't just start ordering, the ones that respond to that will likely be online velcro collar kinda girls. Or the playtime type.

I know some girls on here on absolutely bombarded with mail... it may just take more time for them to wade though.

I still believe the best way to meet, is at a munch, or get together of some kind.

Just my 2 cents... *smiles*

Tempest's pet

(in reply to drewsyerdaddy)

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/27/2005 5:14:24 AM

tygress

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Joined: 2/6/2005
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What does a sub want? For starters, we want our curiousity piqued and our attention grabbed. I have no numbers, but just from experience here and on other sites such as this, the men seem to far outnumber the women, so it's a seller's market. We've got something you want and we can hold out for the best offer.

You're going to have to stand out from all the other offers we receive, and the how is going to differ from sub to sub. Look carefully at their profiles, not just the pics or location. Read between the lines, take cues from the nick/user names, stuff like that. And double check your own profile.

I'll give you a for-instance: If your profile says you like young, petite women, don't bother to message the woman who's 41. She'll read your profile and will likely dismiss you as a possibility. Why? Because she doesn't want to put time and energy into you if you're only going to dump her when some 23 year old wanders by.

Use your profile to your advantage. Make yourself stand out. Use the message boards and get your name out there. Don't be shy and don't be under-confident. Make us want to get to know you.

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/27/2005 6:03:20 AM

smilezz

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To completely...utterly Trust.

~smilezz~

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/27/2005 7:14:54 AM

quietkitten

Posts: 1082
Joined: 2/5/2005
From: Alberta, Canada
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What I want vs what someone else wants is probably very different. You really need to get to know someone and let them get to know you before you can ever really find out what they want.
I have talked to a few Dominant men since I started here (and I am a complete newbie to this in soooo many ways) but nothing turns me off faster than having someone who knows nothing about me start making demands. I would prefer to get to know someone first, but hey that's just me!!

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/27/2005 8:04:13 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
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M. Drew-

Simple- and just the same as what anyone wants.

security, validation, trust, consistancy, warmth and passion.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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-there is no remission without blood-

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/27/2005 1:34:51 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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this slave would echo Topcat's reply and add two more to His list:
Honesty and Integrity

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/27/2005 3:56:42 PM

blueiii

Posts: 19
Joined: 2/19/2004
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As usual, Topcat is succinct and correct.

If you really feel the need to start with online contact, i have seen many connections made through the chat rooms just to see if there is an initial intellectual connection.

The frustration i hear from other subs is that a common interest in BDSM seems to imply a "one-size-fits-all" relationship to some Doms. Just remember it's still a relationship and needs time, effort, and plenty of r/t togetherness in order to come to fruition.

my best to you,
blueiii

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

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RE: Wondering what a sub / slave really wants - 2/28/2005 4:53:46 AM

chainedgirl

Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
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Your profile says You are looking to find a long term situation for a slave. To me that sounds like You have one You are wanting to off load!

You mentioned nothing about Yourself, nothing that gives any indication of what i might expect in way of non-D/s activities. Do You like music - which genres. Do You like movies? photography? skinny dipping? playing cards??? Who are You?

What i as a submissive want to know, especially if i am thinking of something more long term, is who W/we will fit together as people when not doing D/s stuff. i want to know the well rounded person, not just the Dominant. Maybe i'm different this way, but i don't think so.

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