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SusanofO -> RE: Perspectives and Empathy (1/14/2007 4:42:29 PM)
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When I was married, I once had a talk with a counsellor about my husband's astounding lack of empathy (he wasn't deliberately cruel, he just really, I thought, had a very small, seemingly almost non-existent, capacity to "put himself in someone else's shoes". Mine, in particular).
She didn't give me a whole lot of hope, when she asked me if he had been raised with much empathy as a child, and I said "my impression is that he wasn't". Then she said that he very likely hadn't learned it as a child, then, and nobody has displayed much of that to him except me, really, it seemed, and possibly a good friend of his here or there, so it was going to be a "slow, painstaking road" to get him to change, because -
1) He doesn't particularly want to (he wasn't simply not empathic, he was actually pretty selfish, overall) and -
2) He just has ingrained the habit of not having empathy, over decades, via not having to try to feel what someone else is feeling when he interacts with them, due to what he may be saying or doing. She even went so far as to suggest, that since he hadn't learned it by the time he was a toddler, it might have affected his developing brain chemistry as a growing child, and that this lack was now an unalterable part of his mental and emotional "make-up".
At the time, I bought what she said. But - I believe people can change. I've seen it happen with other people.
I've since come to disagree with that assessment, in part. You, Kyra, might not think you are particularly empathic, maybe you are more than you think. But anyway, if you think you're really not - then you have the advantage in actually wanting to learn how to be more empathic. That is no small thing. Of the two suggestions I have, the first might sound a little crazy, but it really could work wonders, I think,and it is -
1) Take an acting or drama class, if you live in a town that has any kind of community theater that offers one, or a small college, or a university that does. There are acting exercises that demand you develop this skill, so you can "be" whatever character you are portraying. I took some drama courses in college, and I thought they were fun, besides learning some interesting things, and getting to be cast as an actress in plays.
The other thing I might say to practice is what my mother always (naggingly) told me when I was small, if I ever did or said something to another child that she didn't like (which was rare, but occasionally happened). She'd say to me -
2) "How would you feel, if someone did (or said) that to you? Hmmm? Just how would that feel?" Then she would make me think about it for at least five minutes, and imagine it, in order to answer her, or go write about it. I think that may have helped me.
I admire your ongoing, impressive quest for self improvement, btw. Good luck!
-Susan
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