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Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 1:16:47 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Just something I felt like writing. If some others see themselves here, I'd be happy to hear comments (or if you think I'm full of shit, I've got a thick skin and can handle that as well. ) This is where I've walked not where I think everyone else should walk, but I know some do and this is for them.

Struggling is common when you have an expectation that submission comes from an outside source. I call this the 'make me or break me' syndrome - some will view this as topping from the bottom or manipulation, but I do see them as two different things as I've been there done that in spades. ::laughs::

You push boundaries and seize control and if a dominant lets you do that, well, it's their fault because they're not DOM enough for you. It's not uncommon and it's what you've been doing for your whole life so it's comfortable for you. The struggle comes about when you become aware that seizing control and misbehaving isn't the path you want to take and you, now, have to figure out how to turn your feet in a different direction and that's something that has to come from the inside. When you are miserable because you have the ability to control everything, have all the power, hang on to it with every bit of strength you have and it's the exact opposite of what you need to thrive, something's gotta give.

When you are able to let go of your long held beliefs and embrace your submission you may get to a point where you realize that submitting is about where, when and how your dominant requires it of you rather than as you believe you should be.

For me, submission isn't about hanging on to every word which comes out of a dominants mouth ... it's about letting go of what I 'think' should be coming out of their mouth.

It's new. It's the beginning. You are just discovering BDSM. Everything is bright and shiny and catches your eye ..  and above all, its fun to bottom and have that illicit little thrill that society frowns upon.  It starts out that way for a lot of us, myself included. For some it stays that way. A little thrill, a little fun, a bit of slap and tickle .. until it gets boring and they move on to something else, adding the BDSM games to the resume of their life.

Others though, like me, they begin to struggle because they have found their niche and it bothers them when they don't fit into the mold of their own making. They are unhappy with their submission, simply because they are not submitting and they so desperately want to but don't know how. If it's supposed to be fun, why aren't they having any?

Stop and think. Slow down in movement and action. Reflect before you engage ... learn to question yourself before you give yourself the chance to regret what you've done.  Embrace your own submission, bask in it, let it energize you, let it feed and nourish you. Once you get to that point, once you get the insides right, the outsides will take care of themselves. When you are clean and whole with your submission, then you can let dominance wash over you and your service will have deep and lasting substance.

If you want to have fun and act out (and there is nothing wrong with that after all), continue to do what you've been doing. Laugh a lot, wiggle a bit, act out and take on 'make me or break me' and you can have a very full life as a submissive.

If, however, you want to learn and grow, embrace submission because you 'have' to in order to be fulfilled, if it needs to be 'more' than just fun and games for you, if acting out causes you struggles, then look inside and realize that you are not really testing your dominant when you act out .. you test yourself. If you're struggling, don't give up .. you're on a path of growth and, in the end, it's going to be a very rewarding trip if you'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue to walk. Pick a direction and just go, take some side streets if you want, explore, you can always get back on the path. You don't have to act out to get someone to 'make you' submit .. you don't have to act out in the hopes someone will 'break you' of your behavior. You have it within you to do that work yourself. Just make the choice to do it then take the actions to get it done.

YMMV

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 3:13:23 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Absolutely beautiful Bita, and like you been there done that, grins.
 
I hope your words fall on ears that listen.

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 4:41:33 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		As some more-or-less faithful readers might pick up on from time to time, I seem to be a crusader for pushing the idea that we need to understand who we are as individuals.  Know thyself, and all that.

I would contend that the formulation of a person's 'submissiveness' takes one on a much more interesting journey than the 'path' of a dominant.  Let me defend THAT before I get more to the point.  I believe that a dominant is more liable to lose sight of their growth and emotional challenges and, one shudders to think, submissives, than they should.  It is possible that some (many, who knows) dominants plateau at a level where their journey seems to end.

On the other hand, there is much more at stake for submissives, and more again for slaves.  The concept of taking the natural authorities that we have been granted by our governments (our individual 'freedoms') and handing that progressively to another is a daunting thought.  Submissives will say, and rightly so, that it feels good and feels right, so it's not all that difficult.

I would also believe that there is a chicken-or-egg question that naturally occurs at the beginning of a submissive's journey.  Does one begin to submit because that is what they 'want' to do, or do they meet some force of nature in the form of a dominant that 'compels' them to, and once having discovering this finds that it is a valid choice for them.  (The danger there is that if that person disappears from their life that their sense of submission leaves with them.)

The 'comfort' of submission usually happens in stages in the beginning of one's journey.  It is unlikely that a budding submissive fresh from breaking out of the vanilla bubble-wrap they lived in (or, to use the chicken analogy from above, once breaking through the egg) finds it of comfort to give up everything to the first dominant they meet completely.  (Of course some of you will say that is EXACTLY how it happened, but I doubt that is the norm.)  One's submission starts with one area or another, then has the potential to grow with their partner.

How one handles their own submission, and the emotions that get stirred up as a result, in naturally individual.  The 'acting up', as Celeste describes, could come about as a 'need' to always feel like you're under the thumb.  (If I step out of line, I want to know there will be consequences, and the consequences come in the form of some sort of attention.  Attention is good.)  But the acting up could also be an indication that the internal limits of one's submission is being tested, and some 'rite of passage' will either break through to a new level of comfort or an internal crisis will develop.

My personal view is that, at some point, the maturation of a submissive or a slave will come to this realization:

If you understand that the life of submission or slavery is just so 'right' for you, then it seems to me that eventually the motivations to submit will come from within, rather than from without.  Call it 'finding your natural headspace'.  That is not to say that one becomes submissive to the world.  No, there still seems to be a 'worthy' dominant to give oneself.  (And the level of 'worthy' must grow as the maturation occurs.  But that is an ENTIRELY different topic for another day.)

But how long does that maturation take?  For some, does their maturation come to an end before full fruition BECAUSE the level of dominance they needed didn't exist?  And how much 'acting out' has to occur before this maturation takes place?  Does this maturation mean that the journey is complete and it's time to buy a house in Journey's End, Earth, move in and BE that culmination of submissiveness that you have been striving for for so long?

Where do YOU really think you are in your path?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 4:44:21 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Nice post Celeste

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 4:56:30 AM   
goodpet


Posts: 458
Joined: 6/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

....   For me, submission isn't about hanging on to every word which comes out of a dominants mouth ... it's about letting go of what I 'think' should be coming out of their mouth.

......  You have it within you to do that work yourself. Just make the choice to do it then take the actions to get it done. ....

YMMV
Celeste


I really like how you put this.   

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 6:38:14 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline











OK Celeste,
Where do you have the hidden camera in my heart???
I indeed due to adversity in my life am a person who's become strong as steel. I absolutely have hated being that person since I was about 16.

I get so tired of feeling like I want to have someone to lean on that will be stronger than me.
In that most of my relationships were flawed in my vanilla life as often I found arrogance, and self ego in my partners that ended up crushing me.

When I awoke to the sub inside me everything in me finally made sense to me. Who I am and who I've been were geared to me being submissive without the knowledge that was it.

I'm not a OK try and make me submit type of sub. What I find is my resistance comes from my fear to relinquish the internal control I have as a safety net due to all my neurosis.
I want to give up my control completely and think in time I may be able to be a full slave as I feel in my heart that's the life I need, not want, but need to be to be whole and home for the first time in my life.
I know I'm so far from who I want to be that it will be like climbing Mt Everest to get there due to my own psychosis and conditioning.

I do my absolute best to be a good submissive. If I totally disagree or don't want to follow my Dom's orders I still do what he requests, but in my heart and self I'm resistant though on the surface I comply.
I desperately desire to comply and trust my Sir with all of me.
That indeed is a tough order to fill in myself.

I find sometimes I do things thinking indeed I'm a good girl only to see it was something tot ally wrong to do and not the behavior of a submissive at all.
At that point I'm so hurt and offended at myself for my actions I carry the weight of that error around a long time even after I've been counseled, punished and forgiven.
It's very very hard to forgive myself as I want to be good with everything in me. I also am disappointed because I'm an intelligent person and I'm frustrated by my disillusioned notions.
I piss myself off deeper and more often than I do any one else.
I indeed feel this is my life and I lay land mines for myself.

I agree till a Master is patient enough, and wise enough to train me in how to achieve being who I want to be with all my heart that I'm indeed too broken and set in my bad ways to change them myself and even sometimes see my errors.

I also see for the most part I am a good submissive. In those times when my real self is firing on all cylinders I can feel I'm serving my higher purpose and living the way I need to to be whole.
So while I do indeed screw up major sometimes and I do indeed hurt myself and sometimes my Dom unintentionally by bad behavior or resistance I will never be able to give up the need to keep trying to get this right.

I absolutely am a control freak of myself. I want to lose that part of me to the point it's not in me. My strength and hard headedness is indeed my biggest weakness.
When I reach the point I can trust my Sir enough to not only comply on the surface, but inside and completely I know then indeed I will be whole.
suzanne



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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 6:58:12 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


When you are able to let go of your long held beliefs and embrace your submission you may get to a point where you realize that submitting is about where, when and how your dominant requires it of you rather than as you believe you should be.

For me, submission isn't about hanging on to every word which comes out of a dominants mouth ... it's about letting go of what I 'think' should be coming out of their mouth.

 
 

I took this snippet of your post because I think its really point-on for me at least.  One of the things I realized really quickly with my owner is that an integral part of submission was about aligning to his vision of the relationship and his vision of dominance, not what I believed he should be doing or the rules that I thought that he should be doing.  

C~

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 1/13/2007 6:59:15 AM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 7:02:32 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline



I agree with Celeste in this. We indeed are not robots that can have our hard drives fully wiped out. We are indeed human thus we can not HELP BUT TO HAVE A PERSPECTIVE. I agree once you see your view you've had prior to his point of view does not match you must as belonging to him do the leg work to recondition yourself to his point of view.
I do not feel it's possible to agree with every point of view he has or she has till you have heard or seen it.
suzanne



quote:

ORIGINAL: Wildfleurs

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble


When you are able to let go of your long held beliefs and embrace your submission you may get to a point where you realize that submitting is about where, when and how your dominant requires it of you rather than as you believe you should be.

For me, submission isn't about hanging on to every word which comes out of a dominants mouth ... it's about letting go of what I 'think' should be coming out of their mouth.

 

I took this snippet of your post because I think its really point-on for me at least.  One of the things I realized really quickly with my owner is that an integral part of submission was about aligning to his vision of the relationship and his vision of dominance, not what I believed he should be doing or the rules that I thought that he should be doing.  

C~

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 7:13:12 AM   
yourgrrl


Posts: 22
Status: offline 		i have found myself "acting out" in the past and especially of late and not only has this gotten me into trouble with Her it has not been healthy at all. my Dom is very experienced and i am still learning to behave in the right manner and know that "acting out" only brings negative attention.i have been trained by Her for sometime that respectful and obedient behavior is rewarded and this is what i strive for. it isn't about me and my wants , rather Her desire to always satisfy my needs,which She does everyday in our relationship. thank You for this thread it certainly has really put things in prospective.

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 7:42:22 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		Oh god did this post hit home.

I loved and still have love for one of the most glorious submissives I have ever known but due to MY failings and hers we will never be together.  We haven't spoken in years but the issue you describe was hers to a T.  The arguments we had over "I wasn't doing this or that right" or "I wasn't being dominant enough" were endless. 

Fast forward to the other night.  I left a woman crying in a ball and went home.  She bites, I explained VERY forcefully the first time it was unnaceptable, she nipped a couple of times again like a child testing boundaries and I explained the next time she did it I would go home.  She bit me and I left.  I did all the nice things, made it clear it wasn't her I was mad at, just the action, told her to call me and wake me up on her way to work so I could reinforce that it was the action not her I was mad at. 

I can force most men to submit but that isn't submission to me.  What I desire is for a woman to recognize my power, be attracted to it, and to actively choose to submit to me.  There will be battles of will, there will be struggles on both sides, but the issue you describe has destroyed more potentially good relationships than almost anything else.

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 7:48:45 AM   
MaryT


Posts: 553
Joined: 12/8/2006
Status: offline 		Nice post, Celeste.

I'm chiming in that this was my favorite line:

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

For me, submission isn't about hanging on to every word which comes out of a dominants mouth ... it's about letting go of what I 'think' should be coming out of their mouth.


Thanks.

MaryT

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 8:04:50 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline



Oh Celeste have you opened up a hornets nest in me today!!!!
 
 
Thany you from the bottom of my heart.
What a wonderful think to kick us into thinking about.
 
Your are so awsome!!!!!!
suzanne



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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 8:09:22 AM   
IceyOne


Posts: 258
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		Very nice post

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Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

-Rumi

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 9:25:03 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I agree completely.

It takes awhile for the mind to catch up with the heart- to realize that this really IS a secure situation and that they really CAN just relax into not having authority.  Of course, most novices choose suckily and don't get into secure situations which just makes it worse...but in theory eventually they settle down.

There's also usually a counter stage after that where it becomes ALL SERIOUS- they are devoted devoted devoted and NO LAUGHTER or playfullness is ever allowed and if they see people laughing or playing, then they obviously aren't really as serious and devoted as they should be.

Eventually they tend to realize that's just not working either and can REALLY RELAX into that comfortable intimacy together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 11:47:18 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble
When you are able to let go of your long held beliefs and embrace your submission you may get to a point where you realize that submitting is about where, when and how your dominant requires it of you rather than as you believe you should be.

For me, submission isn't about hanging on to every word which comes out of a dominants mouth ... it's about letting go of what I 'think' should be coming out of their mouth.



That is a very nice post Celeste; thank you for sharing it.  I enjoy reading about the paths people take to get to where they are.

This part that I quoted is a place that I reached a couple months ago and not so much because I was struggling with my submission but because I am moving from an independent person to a person in an interdependent relationship with two other people.

For myself, I was single for almost a decade and lived alone for about half that time.  I didn't have to answer to anyone but me and I had my own way of doing things.  Now I answer to him and the way he does something is not always the way I would choose to do it if left to my own devices.  I have had to redirect my focus away from the habits I had formed as an independent person and focus on being interdependent with him and alandra.  Not always such an easy task.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 12:00:22 PM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		Beautiful and insightful Bita. My sub is new to being a sub and we are currently having some of the goings on that you mention. I am going to forward this to him as he is struggling with different emotions that I think this post may help with.

Thank you,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 12:17:23 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		Wonderful post.

The path of a slave or submissive is indeed challenging because it isn't a path we control.  I know I have definate thoughts and ideas about what it means to be submissive, about what it means to serve a Master, and in the end, those thougts and ideas simply don't matter.  Once I got past the fun, romantic notions of submission, I've had to settle down into the nitty gritty work.  While I am submissive, while my desires to serve completely as a slave are real, truly giving up control is much harder than I ever believed it would be.  The temptation is to try to serve how I want to serve, to try to be controlled in the way I want to be controlled.  Being a slave is a daily exercise in releasing oneself, one's desires and ideas, to something outside of the self, and that is far harder than I ever thought it would be.  And yet, it's exactly where I want to be, exactly what I want to be working on...it is the path that leads me home.  

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 7:05:59 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		A lovely post Celeste..... I can only add...

"Master's Master Themselves" and "Submissive's Submit Themselves"

We must find it within first to beable to manifest it outwards into your intimate relationships.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 7:46:09 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Thank you, Celeste. 

~ DRH

_____________________________

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Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


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RE: Acting out: Can't seem to stop? - 1/13/2007 8:04:17 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline 		Ah Celeste, thank you for a wonderful post. This slave is learning this very valuable lesson.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

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