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Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Rela... - 1/13/2007 10:57:39 AM   
gothicdiva


Posts: 111
Joined: 2/16/2005
Status: offline 		Hello everyone. I don't peruse these fora very often and I apologize because I am probably asking a question that has been discussed before. I have a male friend who has "submissive" interests and wants to explore them. However, he has a girlfriend that he is in a completely "vanilla" relationship with. I know that he does not want to hurt her in any way or cause her to be jealous of his relationship with his Domme. Is that even possible? She doesn't have any inclination at this point that he is having these thoughts and feelings. He certainly does not want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. I have encouraged him not to explore this behind her back; however, he may need to have some experience in order to determine if this is exactly what he wants and needs. I would NEVER advocate that he do anything "behind her back." However, why upset her unnecessarily by broaching the subject now if it may not prove to be an issue or something that he really even wants? He's in the "newbie" stage and has really yet to explore his desires/needs. I know that there are couples out there where one partner is "vanilla" and the other is "kinky." So, I know it's possible for this to work for him. I am sure that some of you have been involved in similar situations and can offer me some sound advice. I would like to hear from both dominants and submissives that have had experience with this. Should he choose this lifepath, is there a good way to help a "vanilla" partner make a transition to acceptance and perhaps even participation in the lifestyle? Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter. By the way, I am NOT "vanilla"...how do I change that icon? LOL

< Message edited by gothicdiva -- 1/13/2007 11:00:58 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 12:20:06 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If the second relationships wasn't about kink, but about him having another relationship, how would you advise him then? Wanting kink isn't a reason to cheat.

I suggest that he talk to her.

Master Fire


_____________________________

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(in reply to gothicdiva)
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RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 1:34:33 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gothicdiva
However, why upset her unnecessarily by broaching the subject now if it may not prove to be an issue or something that he really even wants?


I am not convinced by that idea. While it attempts to position itself to protect her interests, it instead leans too much towards his interests. I agree with MasterFireMaam. I think the better approach would be to explore when single, or to talk to her about it.

To gauge initial interest, I would bring it up in conversation (a book, a show, a film, suggestion to attend a sex positive event like a burlesque and fetish ball, one of several suggested activities towards experimenting with sex) to see how she responds. Or it can be done more directly. If one intends to come out more directly, many of the general tips for coming out given on homosexual sites could be useful to one coming out about BDSM.

I think each person falls along a spectrum with respect to their interest in BDSM. So a vanilla person can indeed come to enjoy BDSM, or not--it depends on where they fall on the spectrum of interest. For starting out exploring, I think baby steps are best; for the first time, I would opt for silk scarves and leave the single tail and the funnel gag in the toy bag ;-) And I think discussion of why something is interesting would help. That is, saying I like to do X would not be as effective as I like to do X because it helps me feel Y. I think it would help if the description of Y is general enough (sexual gratification, a calm feeling) that the other person can indirectly relate to it.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to gothicdiva)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 1:50:43 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		One of the more important issues here will be what sort of relationship he expects to have with a Domme.  If I were submissive, and I only wanted an activity based relationship (i.e. scening only, cross dressing, what not) I don't think that would constitute a dissimilar to a tennis partner.  However, I also wouldn't play tennis with a woman, and then tell my girlfriend I was out playing baseball with the guys.

If BDSM is important to him, he would do well to be open about his interests with his girlfriend.  It's hard, but hiding his interests will prove to be much harder and likely more damaging in the end.

Stephan


_____________________________

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(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 1:54:18 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

If the second relationships wasn't about kink, but about him having another relationship, how would you advise him then? Wanting kink isn't a reason to cheat.

I suggest that he talk to her.

Master Fire



I agree.

I don't see this as any different really than any other interest he might have that she has zero interest in EXCEPT that for many people BDSM is also about sex. Then the issue is the same as you would have in an open or poly relationship.


_____________________________

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 1:59:26 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Its possible. However if he's keeping her in the dark and seeing another woman, that is cheating, and I do not see anyway how she's notgoing to be hurt or jelouse or maybe end the relationship once she finds out. and yes they find out somehow in the end.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 2:40:57 PM   
submarriner


Posts: 62
Joined: 5/10/2006
Status: offline 		You don't share whether his relationship is monagamous, or whether they are just dating. You also don't share whether your relationship is sexual or just BDSM. I agree with previous posts that cheating is counterproducitive whether BDSM or vanilla relationship are envolved. If his vanilla relationship is monagamous he should convide in his companion about his feelings, as they probably will not go away. He would be living a lie, denying his inclinations toward BDSM. If she can't accept his kink, maybe he should consider moving on to another relationship can can fulfill his needs. If he is not sure of whether kink is his interest, exploring with a prodomme (no emotional attachment) can satisfy his curiousity without committment.

(in reply to gothicdiva)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 2:49:51 PM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		What, Honey? What welts? Oh! Those welts on my back! They're still there? I thought they'd be gone by the time you got back from visiting your mom. Well, you're not going to believe this. I was sitting shirtless. And there was this mosquito that kept coming at my back! So I grabbed my belt and each time I would feel him on my back, I would go whack! He was fast. It took me quite a few hits before I got him.

<five minutes later>

Oh. And I forgot to say. I liked how my skin felt from the belt. And so I did some research on self flagellation. And I read that it's a spiritual therapy of sorts. So I am going to be doing it regularly. You know, for my spiritual health. So you might keep seeing these welts.

;-)

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 4:42:28 PM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		It sounds like there are many levels of issues here.  It is completely possible to have both a vanilla relationship and a kinky one simultaneously, but the key is that everyone is on the same page.  Only he can determine whether this is that important to him.  There could be sex involved or not, their relationship could be poly or monogamous.  Really for any could we...? question the answer is yes, but it may be more complicated or simpler than it appears at frirst glance, depending on the people involved.  Some people are really jealous and can't let go of that.  Some people couldn't fathom that another person might need these things in their life.  Is she an understanding vanilla, so she gets that people might want to be involved in BDSM or is she going to get all spun-out religious?  Only he knows.  As for transitioning her into this, it is possible, if there is any glimmer of interest, which can only be determined through experimenting and conversation.

In my life, my husband and I determined that he didn't get my needs for pain and domination, while we are well matched in all other ways and deeply in love.  He determined that as my husband, it was his job to see that my needs are met and he is delighted that I have a Master that I can serve.  So, my husband is vanilla and he is friends with my Master and sisterslave.  It works well for us and I'd be happy to give more details if you want to message me.

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 6:52:11 PM   
corysub


Posts: 1492
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		This is a toughy and each of us has to find their own path, I think. 
It is one thing if a guy becomes curious about being submissive in a relationship outside of marriage versus being married. I tend to think that you have much more opportunity outside of
wedlock to discuss very deep feelings than you do after being married for a number of years.

I have been married for over 25 years now and several years ago a submissive side of me that had been hidden for years as I played the macho game in business and, starting first with online role playing, and than to real life one/one relationships I gave myself to a Domme.  I honestly do not believe I could never tell my wife about my submissive nature since she would never understand what happened to me and why I could have an "affair" with another woman. 
I guess I am doing the normal male thing and rationalize that as long as I don't have intercourse with a Domme I am not cheating...in a way.  My marriage is very strong and there is no way in hell I would ever leave my wife and destroy the wonderful family that we have together. 
I guess most here would judge me as being terribly wrong and a cheater but, again, we only live once and each of us has to find an answer (right or wrong) ourselves and not clone someone else's life yo ours. 

I wish you friend good luck in finding his way....
                                                                                          cory

(in reply to submarriner)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 6:59:51 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		By the way, I AM vanilla. How do I change my icon? lol And if I cant figure that out, then I sure cant be of much help to you, in a matter of more importance. Besides, I do plenty of things without mentioning them to other people. Good luck. 

(in reply to corysub)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/13/2007 9:45:40 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline 		Of course it is possible to be in both a vanilla and kinky relationship at the same time.
All of the couples around here are kinky and vanilla.
They have their "kink", but they must work, relate to families, friends, tend to "normal"
every day routine issues.
I don't think it is easy, but many seem to be able to do it.
I don't think of it as vanilla/kinky, I think of it as a BDSM RT committed "relationship".


_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to gothicdiva)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/14/2007 1:36:39 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		the op ment kinky with one person and entirely vanilla with another all together, being in relationships with both diff people at same time
quote:

ORIGINAL: MzMia

Of course it is possible to be in both a vanilla and kinky relationship at the same time.
All of the couples around here are kinky and vanilla.
They have their "kink", but they must work, relate to families, friends, tend to "normal"
every day routine issues.
I don't think it is easy, but many seem to be able to do it.
I don't think of it as vanilla/kinky, I think of it as a BDSM RT committed "relationship".


(in reply to MzMia)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/14/2007 4:05:06 AM   
AlexAussieSub


Posts: 70
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gothicdiva

Hello everyone. I don't peruse these fora very often and I apologize because I am probably asking a question that has been discussed before. I have a male friend who has "submissive" interests and wants to explore them. However, he has a girlfriend that he is in a completely "vanilla" relationship with. I know that he does not want to hurt her in any way or cause her to be jealous of his relationship with his Domme. Is that even possible? She doesn't have any inclination at this point that he is having these thoughts and feelings. He certainly does not want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. I have encouraged him not to explore this behind her back; however, he may need to have some experience in order to determine if this is exactly what he wants and needs. I would NEVER advocate that he do anything "behind her back." However, why upset her unnecessarily by broaching the subject now if it may not prove to be an issue or something that he really even wants? He's in the "newbie" stage and has really yet to explore his desires/needs. I know that there are couples out there where one partner is "vanilla" and the other is "kinky." So, I know it's possible for this to work for him. I am sure that some of you have been involved in similar situations and can offer me some sound advice. I would like to hear from both dominants and submissives that have had experience with this. Should he choose this lifepath, is there a good way to help a "vanilla" partner make a transition to acceptance and perhaps even participation in the lifestyle? Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter. By the way, I am NOT "vanilla"...how do I change that icon? LOL


Last year, I actually did something similar to what you're talking about. I had an arrangement with a Domme that we would only do non-sexual scenes together, but were free to get vanilla with whoever we wanted, as long as it wasn't each other. I was having casual arrangements with vanilla chicks and she was married to a guy who wasn't into BDSM, I met him a few times, and he was OK with her doing BDSM, it wasn't that she was doing anything "behind his back" and I was never involved with any vanilla people seriously enough for my Sub side to come up as an issue.

My advice is that if this guy can't work out whether or not he's Sub, he should see a Pro Domme and do a straight BDSM scene, no body worshipping or masturbating or anything. Then he should sit down and ask himself "am I Sub or not?" If the answer's no then he should stop doing BDSM altogether. If the answer's yes then he should come out to his girlfriend. If she refuses to play with him or let him play with other people non-sexually, then he should end the relationship.

With the vanilla icon I think it changes once you post a certain number of times.

(in reply to gothicdiva)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/14/2007 7:40:50 AM   
belljar


Posts: 29
Joined: 11/16/2006
Status: offline 		Odd. I'm in a similar situation with a potential. he's had these submissive needs for years now. He DID tell his gf, who wasn't grossed out but wouldn't participate with him. she's also very jealous. she has bi-tendancies, but openly said that she wouldn't do a threesome because she wouldn't want him to touch the other girl.
He's afraid of losing his gf whom he loves, but also afraid of becoming a bitter resentful man if he has to bury this deep desire.

MY fiance and I are 90% vanilla. he might get off on bottoming occasionally, some vanilla bondage, but thats about it. A year ago we both had long 'coming out' talks about our kinks and likes we had hidden (me bi and domme, him anal stuff)....and when he realized I had needs that weren't going to be fulfilled by him, he realized that he needed to let me do those things on my own. he's not your typical jealous man. He's handling this all extremely well, and it's actually brought us closer. He has not yet met my sub but knows what the relationship is like.

(in reply to AlexAussieSub)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/15/2007 9:32:13 AM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline 		As for the vanilla and other icons, they change based on how many posts you've made to the forum.  It is just designed to be cute fun, not to actually designate you as "vanilla".

(in reply to belljar)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Is It Possible To Be in Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky ... - 1/16/2007 12:02:51 AM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		I do know of several situations like this, and several variations there of. But the key to it working in all the ones I know is that there is honesty all around. If the vanilla partner understands that the exploration of kink is not a threat to her own relationship with him, and especially if she wants to get involved as well, I think it can be done.

(in reply to gothicdiva)
Profile   Post #: 17
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