Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (Full Version)

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gothicdiva -> Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/13/2007 11:17:06 AM)

Hello everyone. I don't peruse these fora very often and I apologize because I am probably asking a question that has been discussed before. I have a male friend who has "submissive" interests and wants to explore them. However, he has a girlfriend that he is in a completely "vanilla" relationship with. I know that he does not want to hurt her in any way or cause her to be jealous of his relationship with his Domme. Is that even possible? She doesn't have any inclination at this point that he is having these thoughts and feelings. He certainly does not want to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. I have encouraged him not to explore this behind her back; however, he may need to have some experience in order to determine if this is exactly what he wants and needs. I would NEVER advocate that he do anything "behind her back." However, why upset her unnecessarily by broaching the subject now if it may not prove to be an issue or something that he really even wants? He's in the "newbie" stage and has really yet to explore his desires/needs. I know that there are couples out there where one partner is "vanilla" and the other is "kinky." So, I know it's possible for this to work for him. I am sure that some of you have been involved in similar situations and can offer me some sound advice. I would like to hear from both dominants and submissives that have had experience with this. Should he choose this lifepath, is there a good way to help a "vanilla" partner make a transition to acceptance and perhaps even participation in the lifestyle? Thank you for your time and consideration in this matter. By the way, I am NOT "vanilla"...how do I change that icon? LOL



obis -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/13/2007 11:25:14 AM)

Well basically he needs to talk to her honestly and openly about it. If she has zero interest in trying anything, he should ask her point blank if it's okay for him to explore this outside their relationship, and what things she would consider out of bounds. Everything should be said from the standpoint of he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her and wants to give her every opportunity to help him explore this, but if she doesn't want to then he'll have to decide what he is willing to risk, his kink or this girl?

The "vanilla" just means you haven't posted on the forum much. More messages and you'll move up in the ranks :)



sub4hire -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/13/2007 2:12:13 PM)

A very large chunk of the lifestyle is married and cheating on their spouse.  Unfortunately it is more normal than a monogamous relationship.
So, yes it can be done.  He can play and also keep his wife.

When she finds out, yes it more than likely will end up hurting her.  Would it hurt you when you found out?  Unless they have a crappy relationship there will be hurt feelings.

He needs to decide for himself if she means enough to him for him to go to her and talk things out.  She may recoil at the idea as many do.  Yet, she may embrace the idea as well.
In any event if they are growing that far apart they have talking to do anyway.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/13/2007 2:52:28 PM)

It is definitely possible to have a vanilla and a kinky relationship simultaneously.

However, unless everyone involved is open, honest, aware and consenting- then it's just cheating. 

There are many resources to come out to a partner and help them along if they are interested, but he needs to make sure of what's going on and be completely open to his partner if he really wants it to work.



slavejali -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/13/2007 3:47:42 PM)

I think the only way it could work is if he communicated his feelings to her and they both explored together, (she was included)..she doesnt have to participate..but felt "included" in his explorations...even then if she still showed no interest and he got really into it...the relationship is probably doomed...so dangerous ground for him to walk.



MasterGremlin -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/14/2007 9:45:09 AM)

For awhile, Master allowed me to have a boyfriend and the relationship between he and I was purely vanilla.  It worked fine for all of U/s. 
Cordially,
minxy [:)]



HollyS -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/14/2007 5:57:52 PM)

Hi there,

quote:

ORIGINAL: gothicdiva

I have a male friend who has "submissive" interests and wants to explore them. However, he has a girlfriend that he is in a completely "vanilla" relationship with. I know that he does not want to hurt her in any way or cause her to be jealous of his relationship with his Domme. Is that even possible?


Yes, it's certainly possible.  I, like many here, am married to a vanilla spouse while also having a relationship with a Dominant.  When I started in this l/s, I talked to my husband over several weeks and we realized that he wasn't interested in any way.  He agreed to give me this outlet and we work together to make sure that any possibility of jealousy is stopped before it can start.  He knows I love him and will never leave him -- his security with our relationship is what allows it to work. A "girlfriend" might not be that secure, which would complicate your friend's efforts to indulge his kink with someone else, even minimally.

quote:

Should he choose this lifepath, is there a good way to help a "vanilla" partner make a transition to acceptance and perhaps even participation in the lifestyle?


Talk, talk, and more talk.  She may or may not ever participate, but having the information about what bdsm is/isn't for him can make the difference between acceptance and rejection.  Like any relationship, communication is everything.

Good luck,

~Holly



denika -> RE: Is It Possible To Be In Both a Vanilla AND a Kinky Relationship At the Same Time? (1/14/2007 9:17:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

It is definitely possible to have a vanilla and a kinky relationship simultaneously.

However, unless everyone involved is open, honest, aware and consenting- then it's just cheating. 




Very well said.... My husband and I aren't exactly 'vanilla' by the strictest sense but he is not into BDSM  like I am. we talked about it then talked some more. He and my Top are very good friends, that is paramount and anything we do he knows about. It's about respect and making sure that all parties are on the same page. As well as setting your priorities. Rob is my primary, he is my husband and my Top is secondary the same as I am secondary to his girls. 
To start off with a lie is not a good way to start and not fair for his wife, how would he feel if the situation was the other way around, probably just as unhappy. You have to be able to be your true self, all the lumps,bumps,bruises *s* and faults that we come with as humans with your partner if it s going to be a healthy loving relationship.
Please tell him that he needs to be honest with her, and  maybe get some books or take her to an event then talk afterwords. She may never like it or understand it but at least it won't be a secret.

denika



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