Your Search and Success (Full Version)

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losttreasure -> Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:38:09 PM)

Over the months, I've read quite a few comments from people regarding their search for a companion, whatever the type.  Whether stories of success or failure, in general, it has raised one really big question in my mind and I'd like your input.

Whether actively pursuing a relationship or not, do you or did you look more for your ideal, someone compatible, or someone complimentary to yourself?

I get the impression that many who are frustrated in their search have gotten that way because they focus more on their "ideal"... the perfect man or woman they create in their mind that has those qualities and characteristics that appeal to them.  While there is nothing wrong with acknowledging what you find attractive and even using that as a sort of "template", I think it is more important that you find someone compatible who also compliments you.  In other words, for every person there is a "recipe" for Mr. or Ms. Right.  The key to knowing what that recipe is, is to first know ourselves.



michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:45:02 PM)

even someone that seems to click turns into an illusion after awhile. have yet to meet one single person from this site offline. oh, well...they just don't know what they're missing. their loss, not mine



Lorelei115 -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:47:16 PM)

Often times, I find my "search" is most successful when I stop searching. I let relationships be what they are and develop as they may, without holding ideals or expectations. So yes, I have to agree with you. I think oftentimes people may focus too much on the ideal, and that can blind them to the potiential of those "less than perfect" matches.

On the other hand, if you KNOW certain traits are essential for someone to have for you to be happy in a relationship with them, you should not compromise those, no matter what.

That's my opinion anyway.



sub4hire -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:48:35 PM)

I sought out a vanilla compatible person who had an interest in the lifestyle.
As we grow to love one another we tend to make sacrifices for one another we would'nt do for a stranger on the street.
Lifestyle likes and dislikes start to mesh after time together.
Where if your vanilla interests don't they probably never will.



losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:53:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia

even someone that seems to click turns into an illusion after awhile. have yet to meet one single person from this site offline. oh, well...they just don't know what they're missing. their loss, not mine


But Michael, what exactly is "clicking" to you?  You know... I can have perfectly enjoyable conversations with strangers where we "click".  That doesn't mean that they are even remotely resemblant of my "ideal", are compatible, or even complimentary to me. 

If you are simply looking for "click", I'm not surprised that you are disappointed when it doesn't developed into anything more.



kc692 -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:54:13 PM)

I truly wasn't looking for anything else than possible friendship online, and when My slave emailed me, it started out as a friendship.  She has since relocated and moved in My household, so you never know what might happen when not looking and letting life just happen.  I don't think there is anything or anyone truly perfect or totally ideal, in this lifestyle anymore than vanilla. It is up to each of us to decide what makes us happy, online or off, without expecting perfection, as it doesn't exist.



losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:55:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorelei115

Often times, I find my "search" is most successful when I stop searching. I let relationships be what they are and develop as they may, without holding ideals or expectations. So yes, I have to agree with you. I think oftentimes people may focus too much on the ideal, and that can blind them to the potiential of those "less than perfect" matches.

On the other hand, if you KNOW certain traits are essential for someone to have for you to be happy in a relationship with them, you should not compromise those, no matter what.

That's my opinion anyway.


Loreilei, I do agree that it's important not to compromise on things that you know are essential to you.  It's one of the very reasons I feel it's most important to know yourself very well. 



michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:58:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia

even someone that seems to click turns into an illusion after awhile. have yet to meet one single person from this site offline. oh, well...they just don't know what they're missing. their loss, not mine


But Michael, what exactly is "clicking" to you?  You know... I can have perfectly enjoyable conversations with strangers where we "click".  That doesn't mean that they are even remotely resemblant of my "ideal", are compatible, or even complimentary to me. 

If you are simply looking for "click", I'm not surprised that you are disappointed when it doesn't developed into anything more.



well, the word 'click' may not be entirely accurate, but it was used as a general term for the familiarity process. as for my bitterness on this matter, that i won't go into on the boards.



losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 2:58:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I sought out a vanilla compatible person who had an interest in the lifestyle.
As we grow to love one another we tend to make sacrifices for one another we would'nt do for a stranger on the street.
Lifestyle likes and dislikes start to mesh after time together.
Where if your vanilla interests don't they probably never will.



I've noticed that, too... when growing together with someone, I do have a tendency to adapt myself to them.  [;)]  But you are right, having a solid foundation to begin with is very important for a lasting relationship.



losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:01:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kc692

I truly wasn't looking for anything else than possible friendship online, and when My slave emailed me, it started out as a friendship.  She has since relocated and moved in My household, so you never know what might happen when not looking and letting life just happen.  I don't think there is anything or anyone truly perfect or totally ideal, in this lifestyle anymore than vanilla. It is up to each of us to decide what makes us happy, online or off, without expecting perfection, as it doesn't exist.


Oh, I agree... perfection does not exist when it comes to people.  But when someone is very compatible with you and when their nature compliments your own, you have the basis for something truly special.   [:D]



agirl -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:02:19 PM)

No, no and no........I don't look, I';ve never had to... for anything or anyone. I'm fairly self-aware, but even so, I have no idea of what's *compatable* when it's wrapped up in a unique person.

Compatability is something that may become obvious over time....I wouldn't know what it might be in a list form or as a search component.

agirl













losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:08:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelOfGeorgia

well, the word 'click' may not be entirely accurate, but it was used as a general term for the familiarity process. as for my bitterness on this matter, that i won't go into on the boards.



I can understand your desire to not go into it and respect that. 

One of the interesting things about relationships is that they absolutely require two people; you can search your soul to determine what you truly need and desire... you can understand yourself completely so that you know who would be compatible... you can know without doubt who would be complimentary to you... but in the end, even if you find a person that meets all that, they have the right to decide if you meet their needs.  Sadly, it isn't always so.



Celeste43 -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:11:26 PM)

Compatible and complimentary. I'm not an ideal person, I get ill, short tempered, make mistakes. So I wanted someone equally human who was also okay with me being human and having human frailties.

Sexually/play compatibility was a must. In other areas I prefer complimentary. I always say there's only room enough for one English major in this house and I'm her. He's a math/engineering type, much more practical while I'm theoretical. It works well, I build the castles in the air and he figures out how to put foundations under them, so to speak.

But most of all, he's become my best friend and that's the most important thing.



kc692 -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:15:16 PM)

I totally agree with you, compatibility or the possibility of compatibility is totally necessary, then it is a special occurrence.



edited to add:  Michael, I wish you the best, but your bitterness shines through, and whether or not it is deserved bitterness is not my call, but with that shining through, you will have a hard time proceeding in any relationship.  Again, I hope you find what you seek.



losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:16:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

No, no and no........I don't look, I';ve never had to... for anything or anyone. I'm fairly self-aware, but even so, I have no idea of what's *compatable* when it's wrapped up in a unique person.

Compatability is something that may become obvious over time....I wouldn't know what it might be in a list form or as a search component.

agirl


It's not about having a "list"... it's about knowing yourself.  If you look into yourself and recognize those things that are important to you, then you have an idea of what would make someone compatible to you.  It doesn't have to be specific mundane things... if I absolutely love bowling and he could give two whits about it, that doesn't mean a relationship between us is doomed.  But if I truly value optimism and embrace the joy of life and humanity, and he were a diehard misanthrop who saw only the negative in life, then it's doubtful that we could find enough common ground on which to build a lasting relationship.

And I do understand that we often find the best things when we aren't looking for them.  I just think that if we are going to go on a search, it's probably a good idea to know what we're looking for.



morygan -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:18:45 PM)

hello losttreasure
 
i focus on all aspects simply because i know that compromise is going to be needed sooner or later; how much compromise remains to be seen though.



losttreasure -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:23:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: morygan

hello losttreasure
 
i focus on all aspects simply because i know that compromise is going to be needed sooner or later; how much compromise remains to be seen though.


Oh, I agree morygan... I said recently in another thread that there will always be a need for compromise in any relationship, but the further apart you are in needs and wants to begin with, the more compromise will be required so that each can be fulfilled within the relationship.



RedSavageSlave -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 3:27:56 PM)

When I was doing a search, I had my "ideal" in mind but it was somewhat vague as I didnt want to be boxed into just one kind of person. What I relied on more was in the initial and soon there after conversations what I felt in my gut of what they were saying to me. None of them made it very far although to be very honest it was because I would "head them off at the pass" with the first red flag that came up.

The person I am "considering / being considered by" was someone who simply sent me an email offering me support in some trying times I was going through. Neither one of us was looking for other and in fact..he was not ready to even consider looking at that point. We started out with just emails back and forth as I talked through some of my stress and he simply listened and gave advice which I was free to take or ignore. As time went on..we found many many areas of compatibility.

We have gradually moved from friendship to something more and we both hope that very soon it will be something permanant. We are both however realistic in recognizing that when the meeting happens, it may not be there "chemistry-wise". If nothing else though..we will be forever friends (at least..thats the plan) [:)]



thetammyjo -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 4:21:13 PM)

Everyone that I've had a longer Ds relationship with I found when I wasn't looking and when I was just happy being me and being who I am. I think my happiness was attractive to them. Also with one exception these were also people who were recommended to me as "someone to get to know" but not as a potential only as a member of my community.

None of them matched my ideals -- I doubt very much that I matched theirs. We were so busy being ourselves and being open to whatever might develop that I think we allowed ourselves to discover relationships that were better than we could have imagined.



michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: Your Search and Success (1/14/2007 4:23:13 PM)

it will take me some time to trust again to the point of getting close to someone else (lifestyle-wise). i may be a sub and a brat at times, but i refuse to be a doormat ever again.



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