My Dom is a serial cheater....

My Dom is a serial cheater.... (Full Version)

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seekingsubspace -> My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 7:13:26 PM)
Hi All, I have been in my first Dom/slave relationship for over a year. I am completly in love with him but he has cheated on me several times with the same woman. I think there are more than one other but she is the only one that I know about absolutly. When I found out about her the first time, I confronted him and we decided to try and work it out together. A few weeks later he cheated on me again with her. Again we decided to try and work it out together. That was a few months ago but now I think he is cheating on me again! I don't have any concrete proof and I don't want to accuse him if its not true. Because this is my first BDSM relationship, I don't really know the rules. If I am his slave and he controls everything, does that mean that he can see other women if he wants? Is me acquiesing in this behavior part of good service? Any advice from a sub/slave who has been in a similar situation?

littlesarbonn -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 7:42:51 PM)
Your relationship is whatever you negotiate with your Dom. If you both agreed to be monogomous with each other, then he's breaking the promise and agreement, and unless there are some bizarre extenuating circumstances (a psychological, hostile alien takeover of his brain comes to mind), you're going to have to examine whether or not you can remain comfortable with someone who is going to lie to you, or whether you are comfortable negotiating a relationship where he can fool around to his domly heart's regards. There is no textbook definition of what rights you give up by being a submissive. Only what you agree to in communication with your partner. Breaking the agreement is no different than breaking an agreement you would have in a vanilla relationship.

FelinePersuasion -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 7:59:09 PM)
If you didn't agree he could see other women, then you have to decide if you're willing to put up with his having another women on the sly. an no putting up with his cheating is not part of being a good submissive or being of good service.

michaelOfGeorgia -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 8:13:42 PM)
i don't mean to sound insinsitive, but, since humans are not inherently monogamous, this does not come as a surprise to me. it just isn't in our nature. it's only how society programs us to try and supress this part of our lives and teaches us the morality of it that makes most of us less likely (but not entirely) to commit this act in our lives.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 8:17:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingsubspace If I am his slave and he controls everything, does that mean that he can see other women if he wants? It does if that is the relationship you both agreed to. Since he's admitted to cheating and admitted it was wrong of him already, then obviously it's not acceptable in this relationship. If he wanted to fuck other women, he needed to inform you of that before any commitment was made. quote: Is me acquiesing in this behavior part of good service? No, it's you deciding what you will and will not accept for yourself. quote: Any advice from a sub/slave who has been in a similar situation? If you are ok with him fucking other women, then you two need to sit down and make agreements on this- obviously more rigorous sexual disease screening will need to be enforced as well as needing to know where he's actually going when he goes out in case of an emergency. If you aren't ok with him fucking other women, I'd suggest you end it. The fact that he's repeated the cheating shows me that he really doesn't want monogamy.

GrizzlyBear -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 8:30:18 PM)
By saying he cheated, you imply that he promised you monogamy, and he lied to you about what he was doing. IF he broke a promise and lied about it, you certainly have reason not to trust him. Since trust is such a large and important portion of any D/s relationship, you might want to reconsider whether or not you want to continue in the relationship. However, if he did not make you such a promise you have no right to expect it of him. I wouldn't say that monogamy is not expected in the world of BDSM, but it should definitely not be assumed.

denika -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 9:07:23 PM)
Alot of what you wrote made some serious red flags pop up in my mind. Slave does not meet doormat. And even in the poly world there is such a thing as cheating, it's called lying. Has he brought up poly with you? Or does he just expect you to 'suck it up and cope' sorry that might sound harsh but from what you wrote it seems like you are setting yourself up for a failed relationship. You need to be very clear with him and yourself with what you can realisticly live with. If he is already lying to you what kind of example of leadership is he setting for you to follow? denika

Lashra -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 9:15:28 PM)
It depends on what school of slavery you practice. Some say the Owner can have as many slaves as they care to own. Some say that it depends on what you negotiate. Personally I believe it depends upon what you negotiate with him. If he agreed to monogamy and he is fooling around, not only is he a cheater but also a liar. Lying in any relationship is deterimental and its even worse in a BDSM one where trust is paramount. So if he isn't living up to what the two of you agreed upon its time to decide whether he is worth sticking around for or if its time to move on. You sound pretty new to the B DSM world, you may want to read some books and educate yourself further so in the future you have a good idea of what it is your getting into. Good luck, ~Lashra

LadySeraphina -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 9:41:27 PM)
I have to agree with the above, and from a bit different perspective. I'm a proDomme, so I play with many boys (and girls, but mostly boys). I set certain rules about what I do and don't do with them, and I stick to that. Beyond that, I am 100% monogamous and faithful to my beloved houseboy. Regarding the idea that humans aren't naturally monogamous, I would have to argue that many of us are not naturally poly either. I for one have explored that venue, and it didn't work for me. Good luck, no matter what you decide.

HatesParisHilton -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 10:00:01 PM)
when I dated a certain Bi sexual ass lass, she stated that she'd be with other women outside our relationship if need be because I as a man could not fulfill her needs that were filled by women. I looked her in the eyes, unblinking, and said "fine, there are things you can't do for ME, EITHER. So if you can get your other needs met, so can I." she balked using her sexuality as a spineless excuse to sleep with others while claiming I couldn't because I was hetero. My reply was monog is monog, open/poly is open/poly, no matter what. If she gets to play around, so do I, no excuses, no if ands or buts. I suggest you tell this dom of yours the same, that you'll sleep with/play with any man you like, and see how he reacts. what's good for the goose is good for the gander and vice versa.

juliaoceania -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/14/2007 10:27:54 PM)
Ok, I read your profile which was made today, you have "seeking dominant men" on there. Unless you have told him of this profile and that you are seeking others, it seems you are "guilty" of the same crime. You may have not met anyone yet, but you are seeking them. Unless he consented, it is wrong. Two wrongs do not make a right, it only makes a bigger mess for us to wade through. Frankly, I have trouble feeling sorry for you.

bandit25 -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 3:33:12 AM)
julia has a point. Is this tit for tat? If it is, well, then there is no answer necessary. If you're simply hedging your bets (so to speak) again, I think you already have your answer.

valeca -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 6:06:03 AM)
I see that you say 'we decided to work it out together' after the confrontations. There was no mention whether he agreed/disagreed not to be with others, at all, which makes me wonder what sort of 'working it out' was done. If he agreed not to be with others, then he lied plain and simple, and I'd begin wondering about his character overall, and how far lying extends in his life. If he didn't say that in so many words, there was a break down in communication somewhere along the way and another sit down is in order, and some hard decisions to be made.

sweetnurseBBW -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 6:30:40 AM)
If you both negotiated a monagamous relationship, then cheating is cheating. It does not matter if it is a vanilla relationship or M/s. He will keep doing it til you leave or confront him. You do have the right to leave if the negotiated relationship has been broken.

sub4hire -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 6:47:09 AM)
By the way your question was worded, you've already had these discussions with him. Everyone's scenerio's don't fit. 4th sentence in your question states you have already had this talk with him. He was going to work it out with you. He then goes off and cheats again. You know he is cheating. You know it is not acceptable behavior because afterall you've had this talk before. So, question is what do you want to do about it? Are you asking us if it is ok to leave him? To stay with him? Can you continue to share him with numerous others and be happy? You need to take a good look at your relationship and decide what you can live with. Then carry that out. If it is leaving it won't be easy but then anything worth doing in life isn't either.

RandomGAGirl -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 6:56:59 AM)
From what you said he has admitted that his behavior is not acceptable and not something you agreed upon when you went into the relationship. That said you have every right to be angry/hurt and even if this is a D/s situation you don't HAVE to put up with anything you don't want to. In my opinion D/s relationships require a LOT of trust and it is hard to continue trusting someone who is sneaking around doing things they know are going to upset you and put a strain on your relationship.

ownedgirlie -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 7:59:12 AM)
I am of the thinking that a Master may have as many slaves and relationships as he chooses; the slave does not decide this for him. As such, a Master does not "cheat," he simply indulges in the pleasures of his choice. However, I am also of the thinking that a relationship of any kind that is filled with lies will ultimately meet its destruction. Trust is crucial here, and if you can not trust what your Master is telling you, then trust will wane. I believe it is a Master's right to lie to his slave or tell his slave whatever he feels is appropriate, however, he should also be aware of the possible consequences of such. If he has decided he wishes to continue these activities outside your relationship, the only choices I see you having is to figure out a way to accept it, or to not remain in the relationship. It appears to me that he is not the one who will change in this particular dynamic.

SlaveAkasha -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 8:06:17 AM)
Just because you are a slave doesn't give your Dom any more right to cheat than any person in any other relationship. I will assume by the way you are talking that it wasn't agreed upon for him to see others before you entered into the relationship. You need to put your foot down now, or not complain when it keeps happening. Moving on might not be the only solution, but you might have to be open to it being the best one for you. He could quit cheating, it has happened, but since you have talked to him about it before, I wouldn't hold my breath on it. You deserve a partner, be they Dom or not, that knows how to be faithful to the one they claim to care about. I hope you will step back and think long and hard about the future and if this is how you want to live it. Best Wishes, Kasha

onestandingstill -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 9:19:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingsubspace Hi All, I have been in my first Dom/slave relationship for over a year. I am completly in love with him but he has cheated on me several times with the same woman. I think there are more than one other but she is the only one that I know about absolutly. When I found out about her the first time, I confronted him and we decided to try and work it out together. A few weeks later he cheated on me again with her. Again we decided to try and work it out together. That was a few months ago but now I think he is cheating on me again! I don't have any concrete proof and I don't want to accuse him if its not true. Because this is my first BDSM relationship, I don't really know the rules. If I am his slave and he controls everything, does that mean that he can see other women if he wants? Is me acquiesing in this behavior part of good service? Any advice from a sub/slave who has been in a similar situation? Hell I was in an open relationship with my first Sir. While we were open there were rules of engagement he'd laid down. He was such a cheater even though I'm not jealous and did not mind him seeing others in the least he still ran around behind my back and not out in the open. I think even though I was OK he still feared I was faking it and his own neurosis made him uncomfortable enough to think he should lie and sneak. Hell I was told no one would come in his house where we lived and no poly relations were to be considered without my consent. Not only did I not know he was seeing my eventual sister sub, but she was a part of our family before I had any clue. To boot she started with her relationship was with him, not me and she had no intention of even trying to be my friend, but tried to poison his mind toward me. Guys cheat, women cheat, immaturity and fear make them hide their true selves. Sorry this is happening to you, I know how this sucks your spirit dry and hurts you. I thin we all do. Hugs, and Strength to you dear, suzanne

swtnsparkling -> RE: My Dom is a serial cheater.... (1/15/2007 1:29:36 PM)
Why are you wasting your time. If you had a talk with him and it didnt stop- it never will- doesnt sound like he really gives a shit about any one but himself

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