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NightWindWhisper -> RE: Should one take "time off" after break up? (1/17/2007 6:57:18 PM)
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Looking back, there are many good posts... Here's my two bits:
Kubler-Ross defined the often accepted stages of grief which are widely accepted. She claims that though a person will always experience at least two stages, though they do not necessarily experience all stages. She states that the stages are (remember they need not be in specific order) :
Denial: (The “this can’t be happening” stage) “he can’t do this to me”
Anger: (The “why me” stage) “how dare he do this to me”
Bargaining: (I’ll do this if you’ll do that stage) “I’ll be good, just let me stay”
Depression: (The defeated stage) “I can’t stand this..”
Acceptance: (This is really happening stage) “I’ve had enough, I need to accept this..”
We grieve little things quickly. For instance “darn, the wind took that dollar bill right out of my hand; damn wind; Oh god let there be another one in my wallet; Why does this happen to me, this is awful, Oh well, it’s just a dollar, and I’ve found another.” We grieve big things such as what you are experiencing more profoundly and much more slowly.
I believe that for some reason a d/s relationship takes longer to get over than does a vanilla relationship but I don’t know why.
What is important is to realize that grieving is a part of living. Your heart knows if it needs to take a long time—if it does honor that. If it doesn’t then fine, that is you.
I have found being in similar straights recently that actually moving closer to the scene has been helpful. It is best to be straightforward and simple: “it did not work out.” Sometimes it is very hard as he may be involved in the scene and that might make things worse. Perhaps there are alternate scenes? I find that talking with others helps, but I also sense this to be a “crazy period,” and I allow myself leeway to be erratic. At a recent local d/s group dinner and subsequent play party, I found that I was very happy that I went, though when it moved to “play” time, I preferred to seek the solace of solitude.
“Time does heal all.” But I believe that one is not healed after a five year relationship for at least a year. Though this does not mean that you do not need to go “into hiding,” but it would be wise to wait until a comfortable period of time passes before making significant decisions. You are likely to know when that time is by looking at the chatter in your head. If you go two weeks without thinking about him, your process is probably done.
Look to your heart. It will tell you. Look for hugs, they are healing.
With time and patience the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown. (Chinese proverb)
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