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Any advice - 1/17/2007 6:51:46 AM

mizoloffe

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2007
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Hi , i`ve never had any contact with anyone else involved in this community , I`m hoping to get some insight through people who probably have much more experience and maybe have been where we`re at before . Firstly for years i`ve been wanting to get more involved in bdsm
events/fetish clubs . I`ve been a rather closeted sub TV since ..well forever . I`m currently in a LTR ( 16 yrs ) and my partner has always known about my sub TV nature ,
we play about once a month and she can pull off a great
scene now and then . My real problem is that this doesn`t feel enough for me ( am i greedy ? ) when we scene i act as her maid and do anything asked of me
, of course . Over the years it has become more and more apparent that my appetite for sub/dom interactions is much greater than hers . I have tried many ways to nurture this part of our relationship
but we always seem to end up at the same place , my partner tells me she just isn`t as into this as me . I have tried unsuccesfully to stop being like this altogether and we even went 1 year once without me dressing up . I told her the evening we met I was a tranny and have been honest from the start about who I am . One of my ambitions used to be to go to a fetish type club
dressed , i think i used to be quite cute , my partner has been telling me for years that one day we will do this .
Now that i`m looking at my mid forties ( gulp ! ) i`m staring to think this will never happen , maybe its not even that important , something about being seen in femme mode still seems appealing , even healing in some ways .
The other thing is my partner is a succesful IT manager
and 2 years ago I gave up my life in London to follow her. We now live in Scotland and although i`m working
on some creative things mostly i do all the housework
cooking cleaning laundry etc . but never in a sub tv way .
My partner comes home from work , wants her dinner
doesn`t want me dressed up , or only rarely , never on a work night . My partner believes our differences are fundamental and will never change , one definition she came up with is , I am lifestyle and she is an occaisonal
player . Just dressing up does little if anything for me
and although I could do this much more , the times when i have prepared dinner, had the place immaculately tidy been all dressed and waiting to be ordered around have always ended badly and for some reason i can never quite fathom i usually end up crying like a baby when this happens . So i never dress up
unless asked to now . i can`t honestly say why this
creates a problem , really i`d quite like to be what i think
of as my better version of me , have dinner ready , maybe subtly dressed up and just spend the evening
making a lot of fuss over her , I`m aware that being the top can be hard work , but i would gladly do this without
needing to be bossed around or beaten etc ...i just don`t
get it really . I even think there is a glimmer of a switch in me that could easily get into having someone running
around after me , why this causes so much of a problem
i don`t think I`ll ever fully understand .

I have bought lots of books for her to read , i recently bought Elise Suttons procedures but so far we`ve only done 2 of them in 6 months . I`m well aware of topping
from the bottom and at one stage i think i was guilty of this , it did feel like if i didn`t make suggestions
then nothing would happen . But i don`t do this any more
i may be a bit of a chatterbox at times but i never top
from below i`m definitely 100% submissive .

The thing is i really love my partner and although this
incompatabilty exists i couldn`t imagine ever being with anyone else . Sexually she treats me like a women which i adore , when it happens . She is utterly supportive in so many ways and there has never been even a hint of infidelity from either of us , we are very loyaly devoted and our love connection is a very deep and spiritual thing .

Oh dear never mean`t to waffle so much , its just that even writing this has helped a bit . Am i just selfish wanting more of this , and its not just a bit .
For years i`ve been asking if i could spend a day dressed or maybe even a weekend , and although my partner has said we could this has never happened .
The feelings of dissapointment seem to overwhelm me
lately . Last year i lost my best friend and father ( he used to say " to say we are best friends hardly covers it " ) somehow since he`s been gone i`ve felt even more strongly that i need to address these unsatisfied urges within me . The longer i go on in this way the more consuming seem to be my urges , currently my fantasies
revolve around being some kind of fulltime rubber slut
on hormones , utter servitude in chains etc i`m sure you get the picture ....what seems to me to be the more extreme lifestyle thing ...BTW i know the difference between fantasy and reality ..fulltime in rubber my skin
would go all wrinkly ..need at least 20 mins a day t let my skin breathe !

Anyway ....waffled a lot there apologies ...shall i even post this ....sorry if i`ve been a bit whingy ...
any thoughts anyone ???
BFN
mizoloffe
x

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RE: Any advice - 1/17/2007 7:03:39 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

Hi
I havent got any experience in what your going through but just wanted to say that i dont think your topping from the bottom!! I think its very sad that for years you have craved something which is so important to you . I dont know how you would go about making this a more active part of your lives, and i wont tell you to maybe find a mistress you can serve besides your partner. I would like to think that after 16 years i would be able to sit my partner down and tell them just how much of an affect this constant yearning is having on me.
I think it probably made you cry because rejection is hard for anyone to take especially when its over something so personal to you . You partner sounds like she is trying, and maybe she will only ever be an occasional player. I think what you have to decide is this, you only get one life, every moment is precious and to spend the rest of your life aching for something so important to who you are would be such a waste, I think maybe its time to sit down and have a proper talk and tell your partner just how much this is troubling you. And whilst it may seem hard to say you could also point out that at times in your life together you have gone to lengths for her and to make her happy like with the job and move.
I hope you manage to come to some form of arrangement for your own sanity, maybe try pointing out to her how much better her life could be if she would only let you be yourself. After all loveing someone should mean you want the best for them

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RE: Any advice - 1/17/2007 7:37:45 AM

Kondolinni

Posts: 67
Joined: 4/2/2004
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I will suggest you seek a part-time mistess.

A couple of observations about your essay;

- You indicate that there is a great deal of honesty between you and your partner. This goes way back, according to you. If that is the case, I see no reason why you can't consider a part-time mistress. If required, find and make a new acquaintence. One that you care about enough to want to serve, who is acceptable to your mate as a surrogate.

- If half of what you say about your union with this person is true, the difficulty in getting firm commitments from your companion does not compute. Am I the only one who sees this, if it is as you describe, as an evasion idicitive of a lack of concern? If you feel such is not the case, then maybe it is you who have a problem. Are you sure you feel comfortable with this aspect of yourself? I am a hetero, Dominant man. I am a "Daddy" type Dom. While I enjoy and contemplate a lot of kinky adult pleasures not usually considered by the 'nilla herd, I am fairly conservative by most BDSM community standards. I would NEVER feel comfortable even considering engaging in some of the activities you indicate you are virtually obssessed with. Anything that important to you aught to be something you can talk openly and at length with your lover about. Have you carefully examined your own comfort level with this issue?

- what you describe of the bond between you and your companion sounds like a fairly advanced, complex D/s relationship, yet you never indicate that it is such. Have the two of you joined in a formal D/s agreement?

I hope you find resolution on this. I cannot empathise with your desires, but I respect anything that is this important to another.

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RE: Any advice - 1/17/2007 8:07:01 AM

mizoloffe

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2007
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Thanks so much for your reply . Seeing someone empathise with my point of view
is very heartening , and a unique thing for me so far . I think its helping me see myself a bit more clearly if that makes any sense .

mizoloffe
x

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RE: Any advice - 1/17/2007 8:22:51 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

One, know that you're not alone. This is a very common thing. If you intend to be honesty with your partner and respect her, you have three choices:

1) Give it up since she doesn't seem to want it.
2) Look outside your partnership for what you need.
3) Decide that your partner isn't really a match for you.

Consequences and things to consider:
1) How much are you willing to "sell" in order to maintain the relationship. You've gone through the very typical denial, binge and purge cycles that almost all TVs and CDs go through. If you decide to give this up, will it damage you? Would you be getting an even barter in the relationship or would this be you selling a part of yourself in order to maintain her love for you? Would this lead to a healthy relationship?

2) Ask her if you can explore outside the relationship. She might ask that you set some ground rules, like no sex or whatever. You then have to decide, again, if she's asking you to give up too much.

3). My mom's advice: Ask yourself if you would miss her if she was gone. Then ask youself if you stay is it healthy for either of you? If the answer is no to either question, you might need to leave.

Giving up who and what you are for another is a tought decision. For me, it wouldn't be acceptable. I tried. Fortunately, I had a partner who understood and we made an agreement so that I could look outside the marraige.

I hope you find fulfillment.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

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RE: Any advice - 1/17/2007 8:26:46 AM

mizoloffe

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2007
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Got out of sync there ..wasn`t expecting another reply before mine .
the previous reply was to canuplease me .

Thanks also to Kondolini for your words too .

I`m not too sure what your saying about commitments from my companion not computing though . We are not committed formerly nor have we any D/s agreement
we aren`t married but we do have an active relationship that is very developed . Many of our other interests yield large areas of consilience and we regularly converse about many aspects of life , or in other words since i met her at her
birthday party in 1989 we haven`t stopped talking , we make each other laugh
and think .

Regarding commitment to scening , she does admit i get a raw deal . She has even suggested herself that maybe i should consider serving another domme . So far
this thought has not appealed to me and i would have preferred we develop things just between us .

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RE: Any advice - 1/17/2007 12:51:20 PM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mizoloffe

Got out of sync there ..wasn`t expecting another reply before mine .
the previous reply was to canuplease me .

Thanks also to Kondolini for your words too .

I`m not too sure what your saying about commitments from my companion not computing though . We are not committed formerly nor have we any D/s agreement
we aren`t married but we do have an active relationship that is very developed . Many of our other interests yield large areas of consilience and we regularly converse about many aspects of life , or in other words since i met her at her
birthday party in 1989 we haven`t stopped talking , we make each other laugh
and think .

Regarding commitment to scening , she does admit i get a raw deal . She has even suggested herself that maybe i should consider serving another domme . So far
this thought has not appealed to me and i would have preferred we develop things just between us .

I'm certainly not speaking for Kondollini, but what he said made sense to me, so perhaps I can clarify from my perspective.

You said you have this wonderful, deep relationship, and your S.O. has promised to meet your need to do scenes, dress up, etc., or at least indulge them sometimes. Yet she doesn't follow through on those promises--the scenes don't happen to the extent she's promised--which leaves you frustrated, disappointed and unfulfilled in this big area of your life/being, or at least that's what I'm getting from your post. By doing so, in my mind, she's not showing the kind of care and concern for you that comes with a deep, loving relationship, and that's what doesn't add up.

It'd be different if she never told you it'd happen, but it sounds like she's promising to pacify you, or isn't being honest with herself or you on this. After a few times of realizing she can't/doesn't want to do these things, she should recognize it's not in her at this point and stop promising because that's giving you false hope, stringing you along. I'm not saying she's deceiving or disappointing you intentionally, but that's certainly the result. If you have a great relationship, she's been made aware that the broken promises and unmet needs are hurting you, and that behavior would stop.

I would take her up on finding another Domme, since it seems crystal clear she doesn't have the desire and/or ability to give you what you need. Maybe you'd prefer it to be different, but it's not, and having your needs met by someone else could greatly improve both of your lives and relationship. If you need to, ask her to instruct you to find another and give you the boundaries she finds acceptable - perhaps that'll help the idea work in your mind and you accept she's not going to be your Domme.

Best of luck to you!

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RE: Any advice - 1/18/2007 6:46:21 AM

mizoloffe

Posts: 5
Joined: 1/4/2007
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Thanks BeautifulRacket

thats helped to clarify a lot for me . I`ve shown my partner what you`ve written
and she`s promised me we`re going to have a good talk about things this weekend .

I feel a bit stronger from these insights , and I`m wondering why i`ve taken so long
to see some of this more clearly .

I suppose i`ve never had anyone empathise with my position before because this part of me has been largely hidden away .

Whenever i`ve told close vanilla friends that sometimes i wonder if my partner and me should be together they all say something like " But you two are so close I can`t
imagine you not being together " we are held up as an example by some of her friends . But i suppose none of those people know who i really am ..do they ..?

When i suggested we reconsider me finding another domme to play with she, as ever
seemed to be quite open to the idea . I still wish it could just be us , but as the very
insightful reply from BeautifulRacket helps show , I`m starting to think this may never happen .

I suppose in a way i`ve always thought i`m relatively lucky .I have a supportive partner ( in all other ways )we always have loads to talk about we have fun and make each other laugh
when we do play its sometimes really great and my partner is definitely into it , she
gets what she calls domme-gasms from various wicked things that she does to me
and when its good its very very good .Its just that its not that often and where i feel
like there`s a way to build this into a more complex and deeper part of our lives
for her she feels once or twice a month is fine .

I sometimes wonder about need and if its fair to call something so quirkily self indulgant as a bdsm lifestyle a genuine need . In all other ways i feel lucky but
i suppose if you were to equate it to other forms of sexual expression asking
someone gay to act straight except for the odd occaison would be quite oppresive
really .

Apologies for waffling there . I`d really like to thank everyone for their thoughts
all comments have helped me .

Mizoloffe

x

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RE: Any advice - 1/18/2007 7:26:15 PM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mizoloffe

Thanks BeautifulRacket

thats helped to clarify a lot for me . I`ve shown my partner what you`ve written
and she`s promised me we`re going to have a good talk about things this weekend .

I feel a bit stronger from these insights , and I`m wondering why i`ve taken so long
to see some of this more clearly .

I suppose i`ve never had anyone empathise with my position before because this part of me has been largely hidden away .

Whenever i`ve told close vanilla friends that sometimes i wonder if my partner and me should be together they all say something like " But you two are so close I can`t
imagine you not being together " we are held up as an example by some of her friends . But i suppose none of those people know who i really am ..do they ..?

When i suggested we reconsider me finding another domme to play with she, as ever
seemed to be quite open to the idea . I still wish it could just be us , but as the very
insightful reply from BeautifulRacket helps show , I`m starting to think this may never happen .

I suppose in a way i`ve always thought i`m relatively lucky .I have a supportive partner ( in all other ways )we always have loads to talk about we have fun and make each other laugh
when we do play its sometimes really great and my partner is definitely into it , she
gets what she calls domme-gasms from various wicked things that she does to me
and when its good its very very good .Its just that its not that often and where i feel
like there`s a way to build this into a more complex and deeper part of our lives
for her she feels once or twice a month is fine .

I sometimes wonder about need and if its fair to call something so quirkily self indulgant as a bdsm lifestyle a genuine need . In all other ways i feel lucky but
i suppose if you were to equate it to other forms of sexual expression asking
someone gay to act straight except for the odd occaison would be quite oppresive
really .

Apologies for waffling there . I`d really like to thank everyone for their thoughts
all comments have helped me .

Mizoloffe

x

You're welcome, and I think the fact that you showed her the thread and have made a plan to communicate about it says a lot about the quality your dynamic.

I get the impression you think there's some kind of shame in one person not meeting all of your needs. I struggled with that idea, too, until I realized I already get different needs met from different people in my life, and it was very natural (or unnatural to not) to extend that to romantic relationships and partnerships. My husband and I look at it as gathering and addition - we gather and add what makes us happier from a variety of people and sources, which makes us happier people overall, and much better spouses for each other. Sometimes we need to add people, and others we don't, but having the option is very freeing and fulfilling in and of itself. Since we transitioned to this relationship style, our relationship has improved so much, and we've actually started to find the ability to meet some of those needs within ourselves.

So, we very well could lament that some things are missing, but the reality is that the ability to give them to each other through other people is very much the same for us. Your SO may not be able to play as much as you need (and I agree WIITWD is a need similar to sexual orientation, like you said) to be as happy as possible, but she is fulfilling that need by supporting you in finding a Domme. That, too, says a lot about your relationship and how much you love each other.

I hope you'll let us know what you decide on and how it all turns out!

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