Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned

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littlesarbonn -> Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 7:59:39 AM)
I'll be honest. I've made so many mistakes in my life that it's not even funny. Okay, it's a bit funny. Well, actually it's probably extremely funny, especially if you're not me. But unfortunately, I am me. And it kind of sucks. What am I talking about? Well, we all know these particular types of relationships that we just did all of the wrong things, and we completely screwed up. To be honest, there was a period about a decade ago when I was living a great life, pretty much involved in the types of relationships I've always wanted to achieve (living as a live-in slave kept in a cage each and every night) with tons and tons of friends all into the scene so I never had to hide who I really was. But I pretty much screwed it all up, and today, I find myself across the country in a location that is the opposite of what used to be a community, and I'm alone. Often times, I wonder how this happened. Well, the answer to that is pretty simple. I brought myself here, and it's my fault. The reason I'm writing this is not to get a bunch of people feeling sorry for me, because there's no purpose behind that. It's actually a waste of a lot of time. However, what I would like to do is point out for everyone else some of the little things that can cause one to screw up a really good relationship. Yes, it does happen. Unrealistic Expectations: First of all, I think it is important to point out that one should always be flexible about achieving what wants to achieve. Don't hide what you're looking for, especially when you finally hook up with a dominant woman (or whatever gender and top/bottom preference). I did this. I found, a few times, really, really beautiful, seriously sought after women that for some reason actually were interested in me. And a few times, I really screwed up. But I screwed up mainly because I was expecting so much more than they were actually interested in. This can sometimes bring out a passive/aggressive behavior response from an individual, like myself, who doesn't even realize he is that way. (by the way, I hate the term passive/aggressive behavior because I think it is used as a weak explanation for a lot of things other than what they really are...kind of like when someone really wants to use that new word he or she has just learned and applies it to everything). During a few of these relationships, I found myself really wanting more than she was interested in providing, and I then found myself in discomfort with the relationship because I kept imagining it to be more than it really was. Why would someone do this? It's pretty easy, actually. We do this because a lot of the time when you finally hook up with someone you've been fantasizing about (I was a lot luckier in the past than I ever should have been by actually hooking up with some of the women who I definitely didn't believe I was in their league...but more on that complex later). Not only do you fantasize about becoming her slave, but you also put fantasies onto her that may have very little to do with who she really is. And then you get disappointed because she doesn't live up to this expectation you have for her. Sure, sometimes the thought is justified when she promises to be something she's not, but a lot of times it happens because of unrealistic expectations. Lesson Learned: Be aware of what you are pursuing, and be aware of what you have achieved. Planning For Someone Else Syndrome: This one I kick myself over constantly. I hooked up with a non-pro domme who knew nothing about bdsm. As a matter of fact, I completely introduced her to the lifestyle. But the whole relationship developed right after I broke up with a long-term partner, and I kept thinking to myself that I wasn't ready for a relationship, but it just kept on growing. I kept thinking that I'd find a "real" domme later, and I sort of let this woman just grow on me. It didn't help that she was Chinese and had a communication problem with me at times, but I realized years later I was letting that be an excuse for why things went bad. Things went bad because I really didn't give her the respect that she deserved. For six months or so, she was my girlfriend, and she wanted to be my domme. I really never let her in. I kept her at arm's length, and I don't blame her for getting really frustrated with me. When we broke up, she actually became pretty hostile towards me, and years later, no amount of friendly attempts to engage her in conversation have worked. I completely screwed up that relationship. But the big problem was that I kept feeling I was waiting for something else when I had exactly what I was always looking for right there beside me. Lesson Learned: Don't get into a relationship with someone unless SHE is the one you are wanting to be in a relationship with. Too Scared To Make The Right Move Complex: When I first got into the scene, I was controlled by two women who were both professional dominants and professional strippers. I was working in a dead end job as a hotel investigator, and I had just gone back to school in hopes of doing something more. These two women lived on the other side of the country from me, and they were only visiting San Francisco for a short extended period of time. When it was over, they were going home. Towards the end of the period, one of them offered to take me in as her personal live-in slave, and I panicked and said I couldn't leave San Francisco. I was still learning a lot about being a submissive/slave, and I honestly, to this day, believe it would have been the most educational and wonderful experience of my life had I said yes. But I didn't. Lesson Learned: Remember that you only live once, and the brass ring doesn't always come along a second time. Not Realizing You Attract the Wrong Type of Woman: We hear about this one all of the time from women about attracting the wrong type of guy. But this happens to men as well, especially potential submissives and slaves. I cannot tell you how many times I thought I hooked up with the right woman only to find out that she was really some nutcase, some person with needs that no group of humans could ever fulfill, or just someone who wasn't sure what she was looking for and pretended to be looking for me while she tried to figure it all out. I had one woman tell me she wanted me to be her slave because she needed someone to clean her mirrors. I thought that meant there would be much more than that. Nope. That was all she really wanted me for. I had another woman tell me she wanted me to be her personal slave, but she was playing with a rich doctor for the actual bdsm stuff, so she just needed me to be the slave that actually did stuff, but she wouldn't really have time to spend with me, so she would give me a key to clean, instructions what needed to be done, but really didn't want to have to deal with me in person if that was okay. The fact that I had only met her once and that she called me out of the blue the day after I broke up with that long-term slavery relationship I was talking about earlier didn't seem to hit me as odd at the time. I could go through a huge list of this kind of thing, but to be honest, that wasn't the point of this particular article. Lesson Learned: Still working on this one. Happened to me way too much to think I know better now. Not Worthy of Her: This one plagued me for so long. I would hook up with an extremely beautiful woman that was the embodiment of wonderful, and I would be convinced something was wrong. I mean, why me? I was involved with one very sought after pro domme once and a friend of hers asked her: "Why him?" She never answered, which gave me even more of an insincerity complex because now even I was wondering, why me? Part of this problem hails from a usual male problem of thinking that women are interested in men EXACTLY the same way that men are interested in a lot of women. We look at physical beauty and then wonder why a beautiful woman is not interested in some Brad Pitt looking guy instead of silly looking "me" (or whomever). The fact that a woman could be interested in me because I could make her laugh nonstop and that I could be completely loyal to her beyond any other relationship and subservient to her beyond any other need in my life never seemed to hit me as a reason a woman might be interested in me. It's taken me many years to get over this particular complex. Lesson Learned: If SHE is interested in me, there must be a reason, even if it just means she's completely nuts. But nuts is okay in my book. It's when they're nuts and carry chainsaws that I worry. And then that just means we need to discuss limits...hopefully while not tied up and staring up at a grinning woman who is carrying a chainsaw.

losttreasure -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 8:21:49 AM)
Very nicely written, littlesarbonn. I suspect that many will see similarities in the relationships of their own past. Though not all, I know that I recognize a couple and could probably add a couple more, if not twists on the ones you've presented.

drawntothedark -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 8:25:26 AM)
Great post! I can relate more than I care to admit.

Aubre -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 8:29:38 AM)
It takes a strong person to look at themselves with an honest, critical eye. Kudos to you.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 8:47:13 AM)
Don't feel alone. Life is ALL about learning lessons. Here are some of mine, most of them learned/experienced/realized in the last year and a half. 1) Idealized, romanticised "twu wuv" shouldn't exist; it leads to unhealthy attachment. Healthy love, with romance, should be the norm. Often, they can look identical, but the intent and headspace behind each is what makes the difference. 2) A Master's calling to lead/Master a person isn't enough to make a relationship happen. It takes two, and the other person can decide to deny who and what they are. 3) Everyone "abandons" you eventually. People come and go. This is not a bad thing. 4) Wisdom is knowledge that's gone to your heart. Usually, the process involved is painful. 5) You cannot control someone else's "stuff". You can only control your stuff and how you react to their stuff. 6) Change is hard and therefore unlikely unless you are willing to face your fear. Expecting someone to do this is unfair because of #5. 7) Holding on to someone who really wants to die is like holding on to water. 8) You're allowed to change. 9) It's ok to step away from a relationship when it becomes harmful and/or you see that the person will never change into someone who treats you as you feel you should be treated. 10) If you choose something and don't like the results, don't complain. It was your choice and your responsibility. If you choose something and like the results, it's ok to be proud of making the right choice. Master Fire

toservez -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 8:58:45 AM)
I echo a great post and there is some combination of that is me or things to think about in your post. A wise person is not one who has never made mistakes but one who recognizes them, learns and grows from them. I know for me I have always fought the “Not worthy of her” one.

gretchenS -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 9:02:04 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn Unrealistic Expectations: And a few times, I really screwed up. But I screwed up mainly because I was expecting so much more than they were actually interested in. This can sometimes bring out a passive/aggressive behavior response from an individual, like myself, who doesn't even realize he is that way. (by the way, I hate the term passive/aggressive behavior because I think it is used as a weak explanation for a lot of things other than what they really are...kind of like when someone really wants to use that new word he or she has just learned and applies it to everything). During a few of these relationships, I found myself really wanting more than she was interested in providing, and I then found myself in discomfort with the relationship because I kept imagining it to be more than it really was. Why would someone do this? It's pretty easy, actually. We do this because a lot of the time when you finally hook up with someone you've been fantasizing about (I was a lot luckier in the past than I ever should have been by actually hooking up with some of the women who I definitely didn't believe I was in their league...but more on that complex later). Not only do you fantasize about becoming her slave, but you also put fantasies onto her that may have very little to do with who she really is. In my own experience with my relationship, I have to confront this very same thing within myself. When I think I'm expecting to much or not expecting enough, I have to come to my senses and find the real balance between fantasy and reality. When the anxiety comes, I find myself to be restless about what I want from my Master, which, of course, it's what I should not even think about doing in the first place. He is the one who has control over this... not me. In that particular situation, I get the balance out of realizing and understanding that giving control to him is how our relationship works the best. So, instead of standing up, hands on hips, demanding him to order me, I place my self under his computer desk in silence, until he requests something out of me. And reality is not all bad; when I feel helpless because I didn't get what I wanted and thinking about release or not wanting to be his slave, I think that the person I truely and deeply love is not Master Stephan, but just Steve. The word "Master" is just something that helps me understand that he is the one in control of the relationship. Good post littlesarbonn. It made me put my feet on the ground.

Kondolinni -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 9:18:25 AM)
I'd like to say that for me, such posts as the one that started this thread, as well as the thoughtful, honest response from Master Fire will remain my favorite kind. Co-dependancy. What a mother fucker. Youth is wasted on the young. Ah, well... at least you still have your health. Time to switch to plan B.

badlilthang -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 11:16:31 AM)
once in a blue moon i just sit and stare in awe at something someone has written. Talk about laying yourself naked, and in such a wonderful and honest way. you have most certainly learned a lot on your journey - and with an insight like that - warm smile - i am dead certain you will reach any goal you have set. You have truly touched me..and yes...even deeper than i thought....hearing my own voice say some of the things you just did...s...amazing... hugs bad~

dawntreader -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 11:21:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kondolinni I'd like to say that for me, such posts as the one that started this thread, as well as the thoughtful, honest response from Master Fire will remain my favorite kind. Co-dependancy. What a mother fucker. Youth is wasted on the young. Ah, well... at least you still have your health. Time to switch to plan B. i agree - these are my favorite kinds posts. i am in a place where the content of littlesarbonn's thread starter and MasterFireMaam's reply post resonated with many issues i am dealing with in regards to past experiences and poor choices and the learning experiences they have become. thanks for the timing!

SusanofO -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 12:59:53 PM)
Great thread, little sarbonn. I rarely, almost never get in "deep, dark reflective" moods (anymore). But one evening last week, there were about five-six hours when I started wishing I had about half of my 46 year old life to live over - completely. I started to think I'd been really robbed and cheated, - and that life just hadn't been fair to me, on several levels, and in major ways - Major ways. I am not a bitter person, and had even in the past worked very hard to over-come some of the "cards" that life had dealt to me - major things (biological, physical, familial, etc.). That night I started wondering what the hell difference it really made - in the end - if my attitude sucked or not. I was really feeling awful. Of course I woke up the next morning and realized that I cannot change the cards I was dealt - there is nothing I can do about any of it. And that overall, I do have a better life than about 90% of the people I seem to meet on any given day, really. And so. I "collected myself", and started to ask myself the pertinent question you address in this thread: "Well - what did ya actually Learn from everything you went through, Susan?" I realized I had made some pretty impressive "spiritual progress", and emotional progress, and progress as far as caring for myself physically, financially, educationally, and in many other ways, over the past 20 or so years. So, it's been worth it for me (aside from the fact I could not change most of the "cards" I was dealt anyway). I had actually improved, as a person, as a result. And I could pat myself on the back for it, too, somewhat, since how I handled some of that was definitely my own decision. Even if I had handled some of it in an amatuer way, or with lots of grumbling - I lived through it (and with some of the stuff I am talking about, that alone is a major accomplishment, actually. Not too sound to dramatic, but is really is, probably). And it changed me for the better, in the long run. Thanks for reminding me - your thread really made sense to me. I am not trying to sound like a goody-two shoes. There are days I just think so many other people have their main relationships work out for the best, and that they have things they probably take for granted that I will never, ever have (children, for example, or a day they don't have to take meds, and interest in their job, and some other stuff). But I realize on a deep level, even when these moods hit me that - my life is better than 95% of the planet's probably - in very basic, fundamental ways. Not that realizing that always makes me feel better (sometimes it just pisses me off, and makes me feel even worse about myself for "feeling bad" to begin with). For me, from a bdsm relationship standpoint, necessarily I've learned some things too (although that is somewhat pertinent and on that level, I suppose, but it wasn't overall what I took from your thread) - I looked at it, for me, more from an overall life standpoint. Great thread. And good luck in the future - you deserve it! - Susan

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 1:43:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Kondolinni I'd like to say that for me, such posts as the one that started this thread, as well as the thoughtful, honest response from Master Fire will remain my favorite kind. Co-dependancy. What a mother fucker. Youth is wasted on the young. Ah, well... at least you still have your health. Time to switch to plan B. Hell, I think I'm on plan E. Master Fire

akisha -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 2:11:33 PM)
~FR~ Then there are those that get everything they are looking for and it scares the hell out of them so they run in the opposite direction cause god forbid they should actually be happy for once. I think we all go through some of those phases at some point in our lives. As for plans lol I think I'm about ready to quit trying to plan things and hope fate steps in and shows me a viable path.

bandit25 -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 2:49:56 PM)
I echo everyone else's sentiments...wonderful post that hits close to home.

WorldofSilence -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 3:24:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn Too Scared To Make The Right Move Complex: When I first got into the scene, I was controlled by two women who were both professional dominants and professional strippers. I was working in a dead end job as a hotel investigator, and I had just gone back to school in hopes of doing something more. These two women lived on the other side of the country from me, and they were only visiting San Francisco for a short extended period of time. When it was over, they were going home. Towards the end of the period, one of them offered to take me in as her personal live-in slave, and I panicked and said I couldn't leave San Francisco. I was still learning a lot about being a submissive/slave, and I honestly, to this day, believe it would have been the most educational and wonderful experience of my life had I said yes. But I didn't. Lesson Learned: Remember that you only live once, and the brass ring doesn't always come along a second time. This has struck a cord with Me, this might make me massively unpopular among other people. It's a shame you felt like this, but this really hit Me, I could point out handfuls of people who would kill to have that option to go back to school to better themselves, hell I would My education was shambolic and I was seriously screwed over by the teachers. Thats really hit Me, and it's a shame that in My eyes you didn't get anything from going back to school and would of prefered to have become a live-in. I am not saying you don't have a choice, naturally it's your choice, but I don't see that as a mistake to stay at school or even opt to return, chuckles I'm jealous I wished I had that chance among others I could point out. Just had to get that off My chest. However I hope you find what you seek, and that you find something that makes you happy. WoS P.S Again that was a great post and takes strength to look at yourself in that way. P.P.S Made an impact on Me smiles abeit a slighty sad impact.

LotusSong -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 3:41:47 PM)
this summed life up for me... see my signature below (click TRAINS)

MaryT -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 3:46:47 PM)
littlesarbonn, MFM and everyone really, thanks for some great posts. It's easy to get stuck on the small stuff and miss the big picture. Thanks for the perception adjustment. [:)] MaryT

mstrjx -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 5:40:59 PM)
When I first entered the Lifestyle, before having a partner, I found about and went to a day-long 'event'. During the day (Saturday) there were discussion groups, demonstrations, opportunities to look at toys and the like, etc. At night, there was a play party. All of this was in a suburban hotel. During the day, I spied to me a beautiful submissive woman. She was with her dom/Master. Other than looking at her, I was in no position to do anything. Aside from ordinary politeness, I learned protocol early on, and was in no position for more. Through this initial 'day', I met a woman who eventually introduced me to my first partner (who went on to live with me for several years). She was new-ish to the Lifestyle, but knew a lot of people. As a learning experience, my first partner was wonderful. We explored a lot, and she was quite smitten with me, but we both knew that I was less smitten and this wasn't a 'forever' thing. As it turns out, my partner knew the couple I was referring to. We went on to become friends. We would play together, and later on the other couple was in a couples-only group that we were invited to join. Understand, I believe strongly in monogamy. So, this whole time (literally years) all I could ever do was watch. I never told any of the other 3 that I had been secretly admiring this woman the entire time. Eventually and rather shocking to here (from what I thought I knew of their relationship), the other couple broke up. The man rather disappeared from the picture altogether, but the submissive woman was still friends with us. There was a Saturday when the 3 of us were to get together for breakfast. My partner wasn't feeling well, so she encouraged me to go on my own. I had never been with this woman alone, and I don't even recall having a serious discussion with her of any consequence. During the breakfast, I was on model behavior. As I said, I'm not a cheater, even when the temptation was as enormous as it might have been. Then again, I never knew what the other woman thought. Not my place, and all. At any rate, we were talking and I was in the middle of some story or another (of no real importance) when she interrupts me. 'Do you know that if you weren't involved with X that we could be seeing each other?' Um, care to repeat that? What I decided was maybe it was best if I finally get out of my satisfactory-but-going-nowhere relationship. The problem was my partner had long since lost the job she had when we met, and had had nothing but ups and downs (mostly downs) since. I couldn't kick her out; she would have nowhere really to go. But I did make it understood that eventually things were going to have to change. In the meantime, I would speak from time to time with the other woman. She said that she was rather torn between me and another Dom. This other Dom as she described him was my polar opposite. Let's just say, he was a biker-type, and I'm anything but. I questioned how she could be attracted to two completely different people? (No matter.) Four months later, my partner moved away to live with a family member. Roundabout that time, this other woman, who I had lusted after for years, moved away to be with this other Dom. We never played one-on-one. We never had sex. I'm not even sure we ever kissed. To this day, 10 or so years later, I have been with many other partners much like the first, and have never come close to being with someone I truly wanted. I've told this story to a few people over the years, but have never shared it with so many. It's painful to read, and it probably doesn't make me look very good. (I'm all right with the latter. Really.) I've learned a lot from this. Unrealistic expectations or no, I can truly say how sorry I am about the one that I let get away. Jeff

scuffedknees -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 5:55:06 PM)
Great post my Man, But .......................this ...............Lesson Learned: If SHE is interested in me, there must be a reason, even if it just means she's completely nuts. But nuts is okay in my book. It's when they're nuts and carry chainsaws that I worry. And then that just means we need to discuss limits...hopefully while not tied up and staring up at a grinning woman who is carrying a chainsaw. True True True About the chainsaw,and bondage, But a piece of sandpaper, a needle, sharp fingernails , little implements of common household useage has left this scaredy cat remembering to contribute to Amnesty International , ******scuffed*******

CreativeDominant -> RE: Those lost chances...lessons hopefully learned (1/17/2007 6:14:51 PM)
I have to chime in with others and note that this is a great post, sarbonn. It takes guts to look at your life and face up to not only the good you've accomplished...we all remember that part of our lives easily, don't we?...but the bad things you've done and have, hopefully, learned from. I've learned a lot in the 8 years since the end of my marriage. Several things come to my mind (though there are many others): 1. Don't settle for what you don't want. I've been in relationships that have ended since the end of my marriage but, except for one instance, they ended on a good note even while tears were being shed. Because I sought out what I wanted and needed and insisted that my partner be sure within herself that I was what she wanted and needed. 2. Growth happens. I've always known this but we sometimes forget that in the process of growth, not only are things and attitudes and ideas left behind, but sometimes people are too. See # 1. Sometimes that is good...and sometimes that is just downright bad and it isn't always because the growth was the right growth for you. 3. Other people matter. Again, something I've always known about but for a period right after my divorce, I forgot. In forgetting this very important life lesson, I wound up hurting some people that didn't deserve it. As a consequence of my poor behavior and choices, I have only a few of them left as friends and it took me a long time to gain that friendship back. The sad thing...it will never be as it once was. 4. You cannot always make it right. The best you can do is admit that you were wrong and ask if there is anything you could do to make it right. However, what is asked for sometimes is too much and it is not wrong to say that you cannot do that. 5. I am what I am. I will grow and change and learn and hope to never stop. But the basic core in me that makes me loveable...if I am...and makes me what I am is always going to be there and I will not change that basic core for anyone. If you don't like me, then get away from me. That's simple. Don't tell me all that is wrong with me based on your life and your observations of mine if I have not asked you to comment or asked for your help. I promise you that if I don't like you that I not only understand this basic principle of human nature within myself, I also recognize it and respect in others and I will stay away from you. 6. Be fair. If all you are going to put into a relationship is 50% of yourself, then don't expect your partner to do 100% and then knock them when they put in an equal amount to you. If you want steak and peas for dinner every night and expect it, then remember that your partner likes flowers once in awhile and bring them. 7. Finally...and to lighten it up a bit...be good to your unmentionables (if you have them). They will someday choose the nursing home....[sm=river.gif]

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