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How Do I Do This? - 1/17/2007 5:16:04 PM

sublois

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Greetings Ma'am,
My question is how do I tell a mistress that I have an STD and her not freak out?I want to let her know I have it but I still want her to give me a chance to show her that I'm a good sub Ma'am.Thank You for your help.
sublois

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/17/2007 5:29:07 PM

LadyEllen

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From: Stourport-England
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Its a difficult one Lois.

I have a similar problem, not being a genetic female. I get loads of interest, but the word transsexual once mentioned, evaporates that interest remarkably efficiently. I've learned to accept it, and to realise that anyone who is put off by it, is obviously far too shallow to be worthy of me, but at the same time (more recently) I've also learned that it doesnt make me faulty or wrong and it doesnt mean I have to be angry about it. (Edited to add a thank you to TGD and Pixelslave for this last bit)

My approach now, is to reserve breaking "the bad news" until far later in the whole "getting to know you" business. Not with the intention to deceive mind you, since that would be plain wrong in my opinion, but so that if the person is worth getting to know, then his/her decision to walk or not will be on the basis of a match/mismatch with me as a person, rather than me as a "weird freak" or whatever. My hope is, maybe misguided, that if someone gets to know me and I them, and we are right together, then the "bad news" will not be that much of an issue.

I dont know if that helps as its not the same situation in nature, but similar perhaps in effect, but I hope it does in some way?

E

< Message edited by LadyEllen -- 1/17/2007 5:34:53 PM >

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/17/2007 7:37:50 PM

MasterFireMaam

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It's a tricky thing. IN my opinion, it would depend on how much of a factor sexual service is going to be. If you are being brought in as a sexual pet, then obviously they need to know, the sooner the better. If you're being brought in as a house girl or boy, well then, it's less relavant. When do YOU think you should say something?

Master Fire

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/17/2007 7:43:37 PM

Monts

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I have been living this lifestyle for over 20 years, and I gurantee you, if you DIDNT tell me, I would kick your ass to the curb the minute I found out. Honesty should always be in the forefront. If you 'wait until later' your later will most likely be the end. If you are a great submissive and your potential Domme is an educated person, there are ways to have intimacy involved safely. But honesty and being upfront should be a hell of a lot more important than anything sexual in these relationships. I am sure there are plenty of Tops out there that would walk away. But if you arent going to be honest to begin with, what kind of dynamics does that set you up for ultimately? Take the chance, you will find someone that appreciates you and respects your honesty.

Monts

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/17/2007 7:50:36 PM

marieToo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sublois

Greetings Ma'am,
My question is how do I tell a mistress that I have an STD and her not freak out?I want to let her know I have it but I still want her to give me a chance to show her that I'm a good sub Ma'am.Thank You for your help.
sublois

Well Im not one of the Ma'ams but if you dont mind my suggestion.... I would tell the person if and when it seemed like a sexual relationship is in the cards.
In other words, don't up and tell everyone during like your third conversation. But on second thought, I guess if I was the other person I'd want to know right out.
This is a very tough question actually. Because some people would actually work around it if they have deep feelings for another person. Others may not and you would end up wasting your time waiting to find out.
If your code of ethics dictates that you tell them right off the top of the bat, then do so. I kinda get that feeling from you. But not sure.

??

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 7:03:04 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

It's a tricky thing. IN my opinion, it would depend on how much of a factor sexual service is going to be. If you are being brought in as a sexual pet, then obviously they need to know, the sooner the better. If you're being brought in as a house girl or boy, well then, it's less relavant. When do YOU think you should say something?

Master Fire

I think this is really the biggest factor -- is the service sexual in nature or not.

I get to know someone in other ways first but I'm also clear that when I'm interviewing that sex is not going to happen early on and may never happen. If it does happen it will be a matter of mutual interest and we'll discuss that if it develops.

In general I think an experienced top/dom will ask questions such as "Do you have any illnesses I should know about?" at some point in discussions. If they do, then be honest in your reply.

If it were me, and the answer was "STDs" then I'd ask some follow up questions: How does it impact your ability to serve? Are you are regular medications? How do they affect you physically and mentally? What types of situations increase the likelihood of breakouts or flare ups?

Those sorts of things would concern me but no more than someone with several other illnesses or physical conditions. Frankly, Fox having hearing problems and being hypoglacemic is more a factor to his average service than if he had an STD.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 8:28:00 AM

LadyHugs

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Dear sublois, Ladies and Gentlemen;

If I had a submissive/slave that had STD's, I would want to know as soon as possible.

I want to get those STD's taken care of for your sake as much as mine. Although I am not sexually interested in any slave at this time; the fact that it is present in a slave/submissive; is a threat to your body as well as your emotional side, spiritual side and or mental side.

STDs if anything is a distraction from your service. I would want it under treatment as soon as possible. Getting it under control is most important.

If you have STDs before I am in negotiations, I'd suggest you get yourself treated and be clear of it.

Delayed information that is profound, such as having STDs; is something that will be in the back of my mind; like what else are you withholding from me; as a Master/Mistress/Dominant. Boyfriend perhaps, etc.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 9:24:52 AM

lateralist1

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I would ask yourself how does it affect you as a sub/slave?
It's your medical problem.
Do you know enough about it?
Do you know how you can protect your Mistress if she requires sexual service from you?
If you can't then you explain to her calmly that there are certain things that have to be your hard limits.
If she asks why then you tell her the reason.
It could come up under her asking about medical conditions but unfortunately not all Dommes are that caring to bother to ask.
Or it can simply be overlooked.
So it maybe necessary to incorporate it in hard limits.
It's the best reason for a hard limit that I can think of and a very good reason for using a strap-on.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 10:18:18 AM

LadySashayy

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sublois I think you need to tell them as soon as possible, without making a big buildup about it. I agree with others here - you need to say it sooner rather than later. Otherwise, you and they might develop a stronger bond that could lead to feelings of betrayal and anger if they cannot or wish not to be with someone who has your medical condition.

When bringing up the topic, don't get all nervous and flustered! If you have something like herpes, as an example, you might wish to arm yourself with some URLs of information about the condition and offer them to your potential partner. Many people have no problem (myself included) being with someone who has herpes, because they are aware (as I am) that something like 80% of humans carry the virus, but only 10% express. It is a manageable condition that is chronic, yes, but never life threatening. Be compassionate, informative, relaxed about it but serious and you may well be surprised at how others react.

Good luck!

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 10:43:59 AM

LaTigresse

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I am one of those people that wants to know all the potential problems right away. If someone waits then I feel like I was being deceived.

I have a huge issue with dishonesty of any sort. Even those sneaky little lies of omission.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 11:05:32 AM

MsPoetress

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quote:

My question is how do I tell a mistress that I have an STD and her not freak out?I want to let her know I have it but I still want her to give me a chance to show her that I'm a good sub Ma'am.Thank You for your help.

It should be told at the time of negotiation. This way if some sexual activities come up in the middle of a scene your Domme will know how to proceed. The reason being is that once your in your 'sub-space' your not thinking straight and why take the risk that you give the STD to someone else.

~poe

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 11:49:46 AM

ToGiveDivine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyEllen

Its a difficult one Lois.

(Edited to add a thank you to TGD and Pixelslave for this last bit) - you are always most welcome

My approach now, is to reserve breaking "the bad news" until far later in the whole "getting to know you" business. Not with the intention to deceive mind you, since that would be plain wrong in my opinion, but so that if the person is worth getting to know, then his/her decision to walk or not will be on the basis of a match/mismatch with me as a person, rather than me as a "weird freak" or whatever.

We've already had the conversation where I thought I had made it clear that you aren't a "freak show" - you are different, and that's okay because we are all different; so technically, that makes you normal.

My hope is, maybe misguided, that if someone gets to know me and I them, and we are right together, then the "bad news" will not be that much of an issue.

A woman missing a leg could not hide that fact from someone else - people have to take her at face value. You are a FtM TS; people need to take you at face value as well. It shouldn't be the first words out of your mouth, but should be something shared very early in any relationship. It it squicks them out - it's their problem.

The part I underlined above is the key issue. To me, you look like a women, act like a women, talk like a women, think like a women, etc. - yet you didn't start life as a woman; it's not something that is a detraction of who you are, it's just another fact about you ... along the same lines that you are multilingual, your English, you own your own company, etc. Granted, it's a more interesting fact, but it's still just another facet of who LadyEllen is.

I dont know if that helps as its not the same situation in nature, but similar perhaps in effect, but I hope it does in some way?

E

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 1:22:43 PM

demistress

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Tell, openly, tell honestly, and tell now. If someone withheld this information from me, they would be endangering not only my health, but that of the people important to me as well, and I will not stand for that.

Yes, I have only 'safe' sex, but I do have intimate contact with many people (kissing, sharing food, limited oral) and am very upfront about the fact that I am disease free, and demand the same in my partners.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 3:35:51 PM

mp072004

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I'm happy that you aren't taking the so-called "easy route" and not telling your prospective partner. Some details of my recommendation will differ according to your personal tastes. However, you will want to be clear and brief in your description. When you're sharing information about sexual tastes, you should say, "I have thus and such disease. This is how I manage it." Then briefly describe what you do in the way of treatment, using similar short, declarative sentences. Then stop talking. It wouldn't help you to make a big deal out of this, or to announce, "If you want to leave, I understand." Keep a fairly dispassionate tone. You could practice--if it helps, even write out a short paragraph, as a "script" for this conversation, and memorize it.

Sharing emotionally-fraught information in a civilized way is tricky. For me, it helps to create some emotional distance from the conversation.

Monica

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 4:04:28 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: mp072004

I'm happy that you aren't taking the so-called "easy route" and not telling your prospective partner. Some details of my recommendation will differ according to your personal tastes. However, you will want to be clear and brief in your description. When you're sharing information about sexual tastes, you should say, "I have thus and such disease. This is how I manage it." Then briefly describe what you do in the way of treatment, using similar short, declarative sentences. Then stop talking. It wouldn't help you to make a big deal out of this, or to announce, "If you want to leave, I understand." Keep a fairly dispassionate tone. You could practice--if it helps, even write out a short paragraph, as a "script" for this conversation, and memorize it.

Sharing emotionally-fraught information in a civilized way is tricky. For me, it helps to create some emotional distance from the conversation.

Monica

I think this is really good advice.

Be clear and don't make a big deal about it. Odds are that the person you are talking to has had or has an STD even if they aren't aware of it.

Be willing to answer questions.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 4:16:58 PM

MsPoetress

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quote:

Odds are that the person you are talking to has had or has an STD even if they aren't aware of it.

Not everyone has had some sort of STD at one time or another. I have never had a STD. I see a doctor regularly, and have since I was 6 yrs old.

~poe

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 4:42:16 PM

brat4u

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Always be upfront with whomever you play with....if you were my sub and I was your Dom I'd kick you to the curb for not diclosing a STD.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/18/2007 5:51:01 PM

LotusSong

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I'd eradicate the problem first so you can present yourself in a pristine fashion. Unless it's something untreatable or incurable. Then you had better come clean.

Put yourself in her position. When would you want to know.

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 1/18/2007 6:12:53 PM >

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/19/2007 8:19:12 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsPoetress

quote:

Odds are that the person you are talking to has had or has an STD even if they aren't aware of it.

Not everyone has had some sort of STD at one time or another. I have never had a STD. I see a doctor regularly, and have since I was 6 yrs old.

~poe

That's why I said the odds are and not everyone.

I've never had an STD either. But most Americans have at least one of the herpes viruses though I would ask if that is truly as STD or just a virus that a lot of folks have.

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RE: How Do I Do This? - 1/19/2007 11:45:41 AM

MistressSassy66

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Just be honest.
If She cant see beyond that She's not someone for you anyway.
I wear gloves when even touching a penis to tie it up.
So I would think its a workable situation.

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