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Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 8:39:01 AM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

This isn't a BDSM question this is a human nature question.

I've always liked a certian amount of me time, personal space to ponder my inner workings and get in touch with me. Even as a child, I'd leave friends houses to go play by myself. I am not a loner by any sense of the word, but I've always craved "My Space".

Lately, I find that I still crave my personal space, but when I get it, I am disquieted, and at unrest. Even if my husband is just in another room, I can not find my normal stillness, my normal restfulness with time spent by myself. I've gotten to the point that just him going to bed earlier then me or him going to work can send my peacefulness right out the door.

I've never ever had this kind of attatchment to another person. I've never felt the loss of a person just leaving the room, and to be honest this feels silly, and childish, and though I'm addressing this in me, I still can't stop the physical and emothional reactions from happening.

I know I've been through a lot this year and some, but I don't think I've gone crazy. I'm also not normally fickel, or wishy washey in my wants.

Part of me, is glad I've found someone I love this much, but the other part of me is scared as hell that I could become to dependent.

I don't really have a question here, I am sure if I ask "does anyone feel this way" I'll get LA telling me that yes someone out there feels this way...

I guess I am looking for thoughts, on how to quiet myself.

Thanking you,
Dancer

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

Post #: 1

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 8:55:27 AM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I do totally understand how you feel. I have not been a loner during my life, but I also liked my alone time and found it sort of calming and peaceful. When Master is in the other room, or at work, I do feel jumpy, uncomfortable, lonely... all of that and some I can't quite define.

I have worried what would happen to me if he weren't around...would I be okay? Could I pick up and go on? I have been alone most of my life, my mom always at work when I was younger, so I do know that it's something I am used to, but it never felt this sad before.

I know that I am his slave, but I am not a person that is dependent on others..either emotionally, or physically, so it's very new for me to feel this way.

I had to come to grips with the fact that it's not being dependent, I am just really in love with this man and love being with him as much as possible. If I think back to past relationships, I did feel this way one time several years ago. I hung on their words, I loved to be close to them, I felt I needed them in my space to be content.

What I try to do now is busy myself with things when he isn't here..(like now). I do my house cleaning, I read, puzzles, crafts, go for walks, call friends, meditate...etc. Most of the time it works, other times I still feel a void.

It can be scary to feel such a loss when someone isn't around....but I am learning that it is instead a wonderful blessing to be so in love with another and feel that love back.

Good to see you again..my friend.. I am glad you are doing so very well.

Blessings,
Butterfly

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
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(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 2

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 9:04:29 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'd suggest working on "feeling them" even when you are not close to them, and making regular kiss-trips to say hi.

I'm pretty much exactly in the same boat with you. It's sickening how greedy I am to spend time with my partner.

A kiss-trip is just a knock on the door, asking if they are ok, going in for a quick kiss and then going back to my place. Keeps me fed enough until the next time. And as always, try and remain grateful and blessed for the opportunities that you do have together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 3

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 9:41:34 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

It's ok to enjoy another's energy. It's ok to want to be with them. It's ok to love someone. It only becomes negative when you start basing your self worth on the fact they love you and/or the way they love you (in your eyes). Don't be with them because they love you, be with them because you love them.

When I'm feeling unsettled, it's usually because I'm not properly grounded. It means I need to spend some time meditating...or directing energy that is raised to reestablish a ground by doing specific things like playing the piano, working on creating something or sex.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 4

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 10:07:42 AM

lateralist1

Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

It's called love lol.
Some men get very irritated with women when they get like that.
I just like it when they get so bad that they feel the same.
An hours flogging them makes me feel better.
It calms me for up to a week.
And lots of orgasms help.
Oh and security in the relationship or knowing that he feels as insecure.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 10:17:24 AM

desertdancer

Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline

Thank you three for your responses, I am finding myself to be very greedy of wanting time with him, though, I think I have been right from the start anyway. I've got so much love for him that I feel like the whole world can just feel it in me.

I think I've got two things happening for me at once, one is that I just love him so much, I wanna crawl inside him, and even then, I'm not sure I could feel close enough, that even then, curled up in his spirit, I'd still crave more. It's like this ancent, gnawing need to be near him. I feel like his spirit is always calling mine and mine his..if that makes any sense. And he's just so feckin cute and smells so damn good, I wanna stare at him and sniff him all up.

I think the other half is fear, we've had to be apart for so long, that this unrational part of myself, is afraid that if I go into another room, even just for a moment, then POOF, he'll dissapear. I KNOW rationally this wont happen...but still.

I am normally more grounded then this, I do know that I need to recenter, and I am activily taking steps to do so, but then my mind wanders and I just wanna go sniff him again. This isn't a new love, it's been going on for 3+ years, so I can't say this is the kind of school girl puppy love thing, or fatal attraction obsessive love either, I just crave him.

When can a person be close enough? When your soul craves another, when can you find that ballence, that "ahhh' moment when you've finally felt all there is to feel? I guess there isn't, I guess maybe that's the point of it, that's how we don't become bored or complacient with eachother.

Maybe in feeling the bittersweetness of being by myself, but still missing him when he is just in the other room, I can find beauty in that. Maybe that feeling of missing one shows me how dear he is to me. Maybe instead of trying to quiet myself and hush those feeling, I should hold them dear and cherish them.

Maybe I sould like a crazy person after all.

*smiles*
Dancer

_____________________________

* Shimmy Shimmy *

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 6

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 10:23:44 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: desertdancer
Maybe I sould like a crazy person after all.

Yeah, but so am I :)

As long as you aren't ignoring other things that bring you fulfillment, aren't driving HIM crazy in a bad way, and are able to be fulfilled with what is...the rest is just craziness you can live with.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 7

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 11:36:27 AM

gretchenS

Posts: 237
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I'd suggest working on "feeling them" even when you are not close to them, and making regular kiss-trips to say hi.

I'm pretty much exactly in the same boat with you. It's sickening how greedy I am to spend time with my partner.

A kiss-trip is just a knock on the door, asking if they are ok, going in for a quick kiss and then going back to my place. Keeps me fed enough until the next time. And as always, try and remain grateful and blessed for the opportunities that you do have together.

We usually are not in separated rooms. We are in the same room, right next to each other. But I do experience this feelings too, because he is in his computer and I am in mine.

I think what really gets me restless is the fact that his mind is away from me. While he is present in the flesh, it's a little more perturbing for me to know that he is focusing all his attention and talk to other people on line and not to his real life slave. Gets me really lonely, even though I do the "Hi" kiss.

The only time I get to be in touch with him is when we are watching a movie while we eat. Even then, we are eating and not really doing anything else more fulfilling.

I try to do other things around the house, or pet my kitty cat, or have a cigarrette in the porch and talk to myself to avoid the intellectual/social emptyness. I would gladly visit my friends, but right now, my friends are in other cities, so it's been really hard to get used to it.

I totally relate

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 11:48:48 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gretchenS
The only time I get to be in touch with him is when we are watching a movie while we eat. Even then, we are eating and not really doing anything else more fulfilling.

I'd say the problem is that this is the ONLY time you get to be connected. Is this how it's always been? Is this what you knew to expect when being together? Or has he changed?

There's a difference between being greedy for attention and feeling starved for attention. You can be full from dinner and still want the tira misu...or you can not have eaten for days and still want the tira misu. I'd say one is good, the other isn't.

Have you talked about it directly if this is a change in his behavior? Given him specifics of what you want and how you want to connect with him more?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gretchenS)

Post #: 9

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 11:49:43 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

Don't take sole possession of this feeling for the submissive side of the equation. I'm dealing with it right now. (Gruesome details provided in our last journal entry)

I am an only child. I grew up enjoying private time. Relished in the ability to not needing anyone else to have a good time and had many great times all over the world alone. Looked forward to it really because if someplace or something captured my interest I could spend as long as I wanted observing.

IT SUCKS! And it sucks even more because as the days and months have tallied into years; the dependency has only gotten worse. On the plus side - it is reciprocal.

Advice? Hope to die first. In fact in beth's case she is not allowed to die before me under threat of release!

(in reply to gretchenS)

Post #: 10

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 11:50:19 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I can totally relate on the need to have private time or my space. I too as a child would get tired of playing with the other kids and go upstairs to my room and lock my bedroom door. lol My Mom always thought that was strange as she's the sort of person who likes to have people around all the time. But I attribute it to my being an only child and I just wasn't used to the amount of noise the a few kids can generate.

Now in regards to restlessness when I am apart from my sub. Yes I do miss him sometime, particularly since we don't live together it can be a couple of weeks between seeing one another. But when we are together there are moments when I still need my alone time and he is learning to understand and cope with this. He comes from a large family and is used to people being around all the time so perhaps that has something to do with it? I'm not really sure.

But he has learned when the bathroom door is locked, my office door is shut or I have my keys in hand and don't ask him to go with me, that means leave Mistress alone. So what he does is he gets busy reading or plays an online game or does something to keep himself occupied until I feel ready to come back to him. Sometimes he can't get me out of his head so he does something for me, like write a love letter, a poem, cleans our toys, shines my boots. That seems to really soothe him alot.

Now this may or may not work for you. Good luck.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 11

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 12:03:28 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

There are issues at hand that are the polar opposite. I might be able to illustrate some things from a completely different point of view.

I'm an only child, and was always comfortable being by myself. Although I can develop friends fairly easily (people really do like me), it's nothing I really need. I'm not entirely uncomfortable with the 'loner' tag, but that's just me.

Relationships, on the other hand, have always been important to me. I genuinely like being with the person who I'm with.

But, when I am in a relationship (and most of mine have been live-in), I sometimes feel torn between being with my partner, and having time to do my own thing, which is typically soliatary in nature. Both are fulfilling, but it's almost like having two mistresses. There are times you feel guilty no matter what you are doing. If I'm doing my own thing, I feel like I SHOULD be with my partner. If I'm with my partner, I know that there are other things I could be completing.

Having said that, when I am with a partner, I really want to be with them, for me, but I don't wish to feel like I'm oppressing THEM. It's a tricky balance.

From the OP's perspective, submissive, there is that element as well. Not only do you wish to be in the same space as your partner, but you want to be serving, useful. Between that and your love for him, it is easy to see why separation creates a sense of queasiness (or maybe just a little guilt).

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to desertdancer)

Post #: 12

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 12:18:35 PM

gretchenS

Posts: 237
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: gretchenS
The only time I get to be in touch with him is when we are watching a movie while we eat. Even then, we are eating and not really doing anything else more fulfilling.

I'd say the problem is that this is the ONLY time you get to be connected. Is this how it's always been? Is this what you knew to expect when being together? Or has he changed?

There's a difference between being greedy for attention and feeling starved for attention. You can be full from dinner and still want the tira misu...or you can not have eaten for days and still want the tira misu. I'd say one is good, the other isn't.

Have you talked about it directly if this is a change in his behavior? Given him specifics of what you want and how you want to connect with him more?

We have talked about this lots of times, but it always end up in a disagreement. We have total opposite ideas of what is happening to us. He believes that we do interact at dinner time, while I think we need to take more time talking to each other, beyond exchanging thoughts about the current movie or how salty the hamburger is.

I believe we are not changing our behaviors, but rather, something in the daily routing is dragging me down. I don't want him to get upset, because I'm some how demanding too much from him. I want him to have fun on line... I have to keep in mind that he is living in a foreign country that he doesn't feel like he fits in.

I have asked him to give me orders, so I can do my routing knowing that I will please him by acomplishing the task (by doing so, I will get my mind out of the need for interaction) , and feel I am his real time slave. But there was no response from his side.

I'm just venting my thoughts here. This is kind of a new obstacle in our lives, and I know I'll be back on track pretty soon. I'm not the kind of girl that lets this obstacles get in the way in my relationship and I refuse to make a big deal out of it. That's how I choose to see life.

Although, I think it's a mental health thing doing a little venting with people that undesrtand where you are standing.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 6:28:46 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

I understand completely. I can not get enough of him. I am greedy for him. When he comes into a room I light up, my heart lifts. My best alone time is being near him and not talking.

I am dependent on him. Oh yeah. It scared the living daylights out of me to allow that to happen, but somehow surrendering to him also included surrendering those dependency needs instead of trying to keep them in check. In many ways, he sees my dependency as a success. My dependency needs have always been there, I've just never been able to reveal them to someone before. He gets all of me, good and bad and indifferent, nothing held back. That's what he wants.

(in reply to gretchenS)

Post #: 14

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/18/2007 10:10:52 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
In fact in beth's case she is not allowed to die before me under threat of release!

LOL my Master has ordered me the same.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 15

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/19/2007 5:04:24 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

I find that when he's on the computer if I go and sit in the same room with a book or a puzzle then I get alone time but I'm also right there if he feels the need to share something with me. Or if I need to lean over his shoulder and see what level he's at in his game! I'm thinking a floor pillow would be a nice addition too, I could curl up comfortably leaning against his leg and he could touch me if he wanted to.

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 16

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/19/2007 2:18:47 PM

TheShadows

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline

Quick Reply....

It's a love thing. I've said the "crawling inside" thing to the Mr. before. He has a solitary desk job, complete with cubical...and I have the house all to myself all day while he's at work. We both get our "me time" at the same time, but in different places. When he comes home at the end of the day, we just wanna be together. It may be the same room of the house, or not. But we both feel better when the other is near. I guess it's lucky for us it works out that way.

Merc...You just summed it up for us. Yes! We both hope to die first. Or together. Plane crash, if at all possible. Reciprocal dependency. Godda love it.

~TheShadows~
Married 5 years, and going strong.

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 17

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/19/2007 3:09:33 PM

subsa

Posts: 196
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

i agree with those that say it's a love thing. we've been together 25 years and i still can't get enough of Him. i know He's not going anywhere...that He'll be here tomorrow and the day after that. but i still feel a void when He's not physically and mentally with me. i don't think your disquiet when He is 'separate' from you is silly or childish. yes, you are dependent on Him for your feeling of completeness. but that's the thing about reciprocated love....it's okay to be dependant on one another. you say that it bothers you that you feel this anxiety when he even leaves the room. but i say if you try to make that feeling go away then you would also be divorcing yourself from the feeling (that i assume you get ; i do anyway) everytime he comes back into the room. don't you just know that He's the One; isn't it reaffirmed when you reconnect? i wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.

(in reply to TheShadows)

Post #: 18

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/19/2007 5:57:20 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsa

i agree with those that say it's a love thing. we've been together 25 years and i still can't get enough of Him. i know He's not going anywhere...that He'll be here tomorrow and the day after that. but i still feel a void when He's not physically and mentally with me. i don't think your disquiet when He is 'separate' from you is silly or childish. yes, you are dependent on Him for your feeling of completeness. but that's the thing about reciprocated love....it's okay to be dependant on one another. you say that it bothers you that you feel this anxiety when he even leaves the room. but i say if you try to make that feeling go away then you would also be divorcing yourself from the feeling (that i assume you get ; i do anyway) everytime he comes back into the room. don't you just know that He's the One; isn't it reaffirmed when you reconnect? i wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.

Still after 25 years? I'm inspired. That's wonderful.

(in reply to subsa)

Post #: 19

RE: Serperation, personal space and sillyness - 1/19/2007 7:04:01 PM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

In fact in beth's case she is not allowed to die before me under threat of release!

i find this absolutely beautiful ^_^

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 20

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