Finding and keeping the "one". (Full Version)

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Borch -> Finding and keeping the "one". (2/28/2005 10:38:20 PM)

I've been a member for awhile and read posts and email possible partners. I have found a few that talk and a few that want more. But what about finding the long term? Playing is nice but short lived. Always leaving me wanting more. I understand being patient and waiting for the right one to come into my life. How can I get through the short term without going nuts.? Ok you Freuds out there lets hear what you have to say?



topcat -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 7:11:35 AM)

M.Borch-

Like anything in life- it's a process- and you have to be in it to win it. If you are holding out for the longterm, you are not likely to get it, becuase I don't think anything can be 'long term' right from the start.

Looking for the 'one' is a self defeating process- it puts way to much of a burden on interaction and the people having it, and while I do believe that sometimes there are instant connections, love at first sight and all, I don't think that it's a requirement for an LTR. Most of my better, long term relationships have started as flings- and just stuck. If I had gone into them looking for the 'one' they never would have gotten off the ground.

I don't know if I like the idea of 'the one', anyway. Though I have lately had (and am still having<g>) an interesting life lesson that seems to be teaching me that my wildest imaginings aren't all that wild and unlikely after all, It's also a fact that at 42, if there was some perfect one and only out there, odds are that I have met her already- and screwed it up, somehow...

Stay warm,

Lawrence



MsCameron -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 7:50:02 AM)

Sometimes things just happen. :)

I met my submissive 4 years ago at a play party. I thought he was a nice guy :)

We were friends for about 5 months before we became casual play partners. It was a good situation for both of us. At the time, I had a full time relationship and he was here on a work visa and not planning to stay very long.

lol.. A year later, he was formally collared and moved in to do a term of 24/7 enslavement for a couple of months.

While we do not live together, it's now almost 4 years later and neither of us would have thought this would have been a go.

It's been a hell of a ride and had either of us been intent on finding the 'ONE", we would have passed this by.
Edited to add.. This relationship was not based on love, although I came to love him, but based on D/s.

He's the 'one' for now and as long as it lasts.

MsC



Darthbetta -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 8:54:28 AM)

If you are not looking for that which you seek, then it will come to you.

The Darth has spoken.
[X(]



Voltare -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 1:50:19 PM)

Lawrence and all who have posted are dead on.

You won't meet 'the one' if you don't meet anyone. You can't be making plans for the rest of your life if you don't make plans for today. The short term sucks - we all know it! But it doesn't have to be as bad as it seems. Get out, and date! Both vanilla and kinked, and don't be afraid to tell vanilla partners about some of your (less extreme maybe) interests. Don't focus on just your kinks with the BDSM partners, because after a particularly hot scene, laying in bed, maybe she's on a collar and leash.... her radio turns on playing disco music and she smiles huge, and tells you how much she LOVES the Bee Gees. That could very well be a deal breaker for you - or it could mean she's the one (especially if you still have your white bellbottoms and wear gold chains and rings still.)

Either way, the point is don't focus just here. There's too much life out there.

Stephan



BeachMystress -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 4:17:49 PM)


Well, first you need to find someone who has matching relationship goals. Then you start something short term with them. If it is right, it will progress to long term on it's own. If it isn't right, start over again.

I feel you're better off finding someone at a munch or event. There is less pressure to "hook up" in a social setting, so you can get to know people before deciding if you want to get to know them on an intimate lvl. With your location and lack of local scene.. I'm not sure what you're going to do. Did you ever check out the links I gave you?

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Northwest_Iowa_BDSM/

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BoundandGaggedinIowa1/




BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 5:02:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Darthbetta
If you are not looking for that which you seek, then it will come to you.

I respectfully disagree the Darth...
Yes, I agree no one should be desperately seeking anything except inner peace, but that line of don't look it'll find you doesn't hold for me...

I think one of 2 things: 1) like Topcat, I may have met him and F'd it up, or 2)I'm completely clueless when I'm being flirted with, miss potential opportunities on a regular basis, or get dumb: I was telling a girlfriend the other day "if you seem me having great verbal reparte with a guy, I'm probably not attracted to him"... I'm working on that though...[;)]

So, I think one of the answers is, be open to meeting without expectation, and if mother nature blesses the meeting with chemistry, than see where it leads, without "the one" set up for failure. M



ScooterTrash -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 5:05:31 PM)

I have to just nod my head and agree with most all I have read on this. The biggest thing is that you do have to take that chance and get out and meet, date, & talk to people. Perhaps...going off my own experience, if you take that step, you may surprised that what you thought you were looking for, wasn't what you wanted at all (smiles). Some surprises are so so pleasant.



smilezz -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 5:41:27 PM)

I wish i had the answer for that....all i know is one day i turned around and there Thorns was. It has been over 4 years now and getting better with each passing day.

Good luck in your search.......try turning around from time to time, it may surprise you. *grinz*


~smilezz~



Borch -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 6:14:10 PM)

Hello everyone , i see a few have taken up the challenge of replying and I thank you. All comments are good. Yes I have checked into those group sites and thanks for putting them out. Once and awhile I do turn around and see what I have missed. Keep up on the remarks as everyone helps.



newflowers -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/1/2005 7:35:26 PM)

I'm going out on a limb to disagree with the concensus. I do believe that it is possible to find the relationship you want with one person But the "one" may not be who you think. Sometimes we are not open to the possibilities of the moment, but sometimes, I think it is because we want something so badly, that we move too fast. It is also possible that we limit ourselves to a type and therefore miss who could be "one" because of body size, or hair color or looks or whatever we think our absolute criteria are.

In your case, you have the additional problem of being in a place where there may not be much opportunity to meet people of similar interests. As you complete your Internet searches, are you open to the possibility of moving?

I question the idea of chemistry. I believe that if two people of like mind and desire meet, there is always a possibility that through communication and shared interests, more may come. The idea that you must have chemistry - to me that's like lust at first sight and while it might produce a scene and a good lay, that is not a relationship nor do I think it is likely to make one. I prefer someone who can first engage my mind, who is interesting, who is nice, who is funny, someone I'd like to share the Sunday paper with over tea. Perhaps I just think of chemistry as being a more overtly physical attraction and others do not. Certainly, I have met someone who makes my skin tingle and my mouth drool, but that is a momentary and physical attraction. I have also met someone who I did not initially find physically attractive (not my type) but turned out to be one of the most incredible relationships I've ever had. Had I not given that opportunity a chance, I would have missed one of the most joyful experiences.

I suggest revamping your profile (which is lacking in information about you and sounds like you're looking only to play) and having patience. Ask yourself if you are open to a variety of possibilities - and answer honestly.

newflowers



FangsNfeet -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/2/2005 3:49:22 PM)

How often do you buy a car without taking it on a test drive? Any and every relationship starts out short term. Even if you met and married someone on the same day divorce is still an option. The short term rule works well because you find out how compatable you are before making it serious enough to be a longterm relationship.

As always, it's best to take one step at a time and look before you leap. Also, remember to be honest about you, your past, and your plans.



newflowers -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/2/2005 11:36:30 PM)

quote:

Even if you met and married someone on the same day divorce is still an option.


Divorce is certainly a fact of life, but i fail to see th point of entering a marriage while thinking that divorce is the first option when the shine wears thin. What about honoring vows and commitments?

newflowers



teachmetobeg -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/2/2005 11:57:04 PM)

i have both the blessing and curse to be well acquianted with Freud. my feeling on it is this: when You stop looking for that long term relationship, You will find Yourself swooned by someone totally unexpected. This has happened to me twice (both times i swore i was done with boys/men).
My favorite Freudian saying was "Some times a cigar is just a cigar" Some times play is nothing more. D/s has a tendency to lend itself to fast developing emotions and longings. It is difficult to sort out what is genuine emotion and what is being masked by alterior motives. If i left You more confused than what You were to begin with, then Freud would be proud.



pandoravampire -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (3/3/2005 1:30:37 PM)

i would agree with most of above on how to meet, its not any different to vanilla, cept except more honesty required.
How i got by my waiting, was to ensure that when the time came, id be really ready. I learnt all that i could, read everything from each side of the coin to better my understanding of various dynamics at play within bdsm.
Read up on techniques, tried new ones.
Statistically, the more people you are exposed to, the more likely you are to come accross someone compatable.
I have had two intense relationships, the first vanilla, and love at first sight. INSTANTLY.
Another is D/s- play partner first, found by advertising for one. Screened out the wheat from the chaff, and the person who i could relate to most, in written email format, was the one that could press my buttons on the phone, and on to realife play parnter. The D/s took care of the rest. Im now in love.
But no posts have dealt with how to 'keep' the one.
For me, i stay in love, because its rewarding me to do so. My needs are being met. Simple. Not rocket science, not even bdsm trait, just vanilla, my needs met = reinforcing. Having what i am doing right communicated clearly to me, is whats different in the bdsm world to my vanilla experience. Learning to communicate to the depth required within bdsm is a skill that you can learn now whilst you wait. Then when you have found someone, you are more likely to be able to negotiate well, communicate your needs and theirs so that you can both have these met, and thus be reinforced to stay put.



dsamethyst -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (4/21/2005 12:20:18 AM)

call me nieve....I dont care...as one that was actually married for 19 years and had a half dozen kids...and then said ENOUGH...i can atest that at the age of 19 i was not whom i am now...I am now a fully formed person when i married i was but a child...in my belief as to whether or not there is truly the one...well...chances are i had met him and he f"d up...LOL as a switch i stand in mud...i seek the same things on either side of the impliment of torture...I expect respect and honestly....i would rather have a man tell me that he doesnt find me atractive or that certain physical things bother him....I also greatly appreciate up front rules and expectations...instead of trying things out then being corrected i prefer to just be upfront to begin with.

I curently am exclusively exploring my submissive side...except for those that placed their tickets in my gift bag at a local fund raiser..anyone that was actually a sub got a 1/2 hour session... since the winner turned out to be a DOM>>>>>ACK some mistake huh?? anyhow...as i was trying to explain i have no vision of the one...i did when i was yong and totally inexperienced with life in general...I feel that one must basically find the one by deciding if those little quirks that i have and those little quirks that he has are compatable...and well does his interests and desires match mine and well...can the poor fella handle a half dozen kids....oh i also have to keep him away from my 19 year old daughter!!! LOL THAT IS a hard limit.

I recently met a play partner that, well at this point i concider myself to be his submissive....I limit myself to one Dominant...even if he is a poly player...I am unable to form my mindset as a sub if im enganged in what I call "fun and games" if im tryign to play with more than one person...Im unable to form the trust that is necessary to have in order to be naked hanging from his ceiling and him ringing my bells...with a single tail people!!! get your mind out of the gutter...

but that is just my pennies worth okay probably a dimes worth but hey Im frugal...id rather give more than expected then less...just ask my Dom.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (4/21/2005 4:23:51 AM)

quote:

I'm going out on a limb to disagree with the concensus. I do believe that it is possible to find the relationship you want with one person But the "one" may not be who you think. Sometimes we are not open to the possibilities of the moment, but sometimes, I think it is because we want something so badly, that we move too fast. It is also possible that we limit ourselves to a type and therefore miss who could be "one" because of body size, or hair color or looks or whatever we think our absolute criteria are.


Absolutely right newflowers! I met Scooter online... he didn't match my criteria at all, but that's ok, cuz' I didn't match his either. We were both just looking for casual dating because we had both just left a bad long term relationship. For me, I don't date blond men (baggage there), and I don't date older men, and I most sincerely do NOT date virgos (more baggage) and of course I don't date Dominants... instead I married one. The first date was good, we talked and had a great time... but for me, there wasn't that "wow!" thing, the "this could be the one" attitude... I just liked talking to him. Well, that turned into a "friends don't let friends sleep alone" thing. We had a couple more dates and after one weekend together we both realized that we wanted a LOT more... two days later I moved in to his home and we've never slept apart since. As newflower said... you have to keep in mind that maybe you really don't know for sure what it is you really want or need... keep an open mind and go out and date, have fun... that special one may be right next to you all along and you just haven't seen it yet.

How do we keep it fresh? We constantly tell the other how much we love them, we show our devotion constantly... to the point of making others almost ill... We talk all the time about anything and everything... NOOOO taking each other for granted, he is the most precious thing in the world to me and I make sure he knows that, DAILY, and he does the same for me. Say please and thank you... mannors shouldn't die off just cuz you're comfy with someone. Never go to sleep angry at the other person, talk about it... even if it takes all night, sleep is secondary. Respect the other person, who they are, what they mean to you, what their needs and wants are and what their opinions are, whether dominant or submissive, they are your soul mate as well as human beings first. Trust them, don't constantly question their loyalty, love or devotion, just accept it as it is. And do it all with an honest and open heart.


~~steps away from the pulpit and smiles~~

Jewel



DesertRat -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (4/21/2005 5:33:03 AM)

Borch:

As others have said, don't focus on "The One". Just relax, be you, hang loose, and stay in the game. I've had experiences similar to Lawrence...one night stands turning into long term relationships....*gasp* marriage, even.

I try to keep my expectations to a realistically minimal level. That way, I know I'm being true to myself. Otherwise, I get all bent and distorted trying to make things happen exactly the way I think they should.

Here's an example: I am in the early stages of an incredible relationship--I'm talking truly righteously amazing. But it started with a short, simple email from faraway saying "hey, like your profile....cute cats...too bad you're so far...". I replied with a friendly, slightly flirty "thanks" message, expecting nothing other than what was right there to see. Well, we kept in touch, got to know each other better, liked it, did more, liked that...and now, who knows where we'll end up! All cuz I was hanging loose and hanging in there. I think the fact that I didn't expect much let me relax and totally be myself. So now I guess you could say I have two sets of expectations...possibilities...whatever.

Hope this makes some sense. Gotta go now....I'm catching a plane so I can spend some quality time with my superfine minxy girl. WooHoo!!! *ahem...regains composure...looks to see if anyone is pointing and/or staring*

Bob

PS: WooHoo! YeeHaw! WheeeeDoggies! *ahem...*



lil1v -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (4/21/2005 6:38:07 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel

Well, that turned into a "friends don't let friends sleep alone" thing.



*takes notes* Omg.. You don't mind if I use that sometime do you? I don't see a time in the near future.. but definately think that line needs used a lot more often.

*grins evilly*



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Finding and keeping the "one". (4/21/2005 6:57:22 AM)

quote:

*takes notes* Omg.. You don't mind if I use that sometime do you? I don't see a time in the near future.. but definately think that line needs used a lot more often.


lmao... please feel free!

Jewel



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