Getting what we both want. (Full Version)

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DreadLord -> Getting what we both want. (3/1/2005 3:11:52 AM)

I’ve been registered with these boards for sometime but this is my first post. I’m not sure what I expect from this post or what you’ll gain from it. Also I’m afraid this will be mostly some ramblings and unconnected ideas.

My sub and I aren’t very hard core. And we have some minor differences in what we enjoy. Also we don’t play as much as I would like but I’m terrified of stepping over the boundary between a D/s relationship and an abusive relationship so I don’t push the frequency of play much.

I love chains and locks. I love hearing the chains rattle and knowing that even though she can move around she can’t get free without the keys.

She prefers ropes. She likes the feel of them and the tightness they can give. Though she gets wet while chained I always know that she would rather be bound in knots. Also she doesn’t like it when the cold chains touch her warm skin or when the links pinch.

I want to stretch the sessions out as long as possible. I want to own her, if even just for the time we play. But she often complains that while she starts off wet and willing, by the time I’m ready to take her she’s not wet anymore. She would rather keep it short and intense.

Twice I’ve gotten her to give herself to me for an entire day, the first time it went well, not great but well. The second time she seemed to really resent it and called the safe word after a couple hours.

We’ve talked about these things and several times we’ve seemingly hit on solutions to our differences. And she’s agreed to play more often. But in fact we play less and less.

I guess what I’m looking for is advice on how much I should push things, if I should push them at all or any advice at all. I’ll give more detail if need be according to any responses I get to this post.





ShiftedJewel -> RE: Getting what we both want. (3/1/2005 5:11:37 AM)

quote:

I love chains and locks.

quote:

She prefers ropes.


Have you considered a compromise? Use some ropes and some chains. Chose different stimuli and experiment to find out which one works best. Perhaps since she loves the feel of rope you could try learning shibari as well. And since I don't know all of the details, am wondering if maybe at times things slow down to much and she gets distracted. You can use music to keep the mood going and give her something to focus on as well.

One piece of advice I would offer is to find a copy of the BDSM checklist, each of you fill it out seperately then compare notes and talk about each item that you both find any interest in. Maybe she hasn't told you what some of her deepest desires are, and maybe she isn't even aware of them. Communication is so very important in instances like this. If she has soft limits you should find out how "soft" they are? Talking about a fantasy she has is a good idea as well. If either of you have difficulty talking about these types of things then maybe you could start the conversation in Instant Messenger or through emailing back and forth.

Hope this helps out some.

Jewel



MadameBette -> RE: Getting what we both want. (3/1/2005 6:38:23 AM)

I was going to say much of the same things. Jewel gave you some good advice.
Communication solves a lot of problems. Starting with a BDSM checklist is a good idea.
It takes a lot of work to keep a scene going, especially if you don't really know much about the sub's fantasies, which would be the next thing I'd concentrate on. Jewel's idea of 'message'-ing might be easier if she's shy about revealing her fantasies.

Once you collected some data, the next thing would be pacing so she doesn't lose interest. Examples: If you need time to think... or want to set something else up after you've started, and you've learned let's say, that she has a fantasy to be punished, find a 'fault' and make her stand in the corner... (Never, ever, leave a bound sub unattended.)
OR use sensory deprivation: put her in bondage, blindfold, and headphones. You could have prepared a tape whispering 'whatever' to her, or use music. Many have told me they like Enigma. I prefer Native American flute and drums. When I've done this, I give the sub a few minutes (few is relative) then randomly touch, tickle, bite, scratch... drip wax alternating with ice... stroke with fur, tease with a feather... wait a moment or two or even five before touching her again...! Her anticipation of what comes next will keep her on the edge.

Learn to play 'mindgames'. Would she like interrogation scenes? Fantasy rape? Fantasy capture? (See you need to know more...) [;)]
Have you read The Loving Dominant by John Warren? On page 86, he writes: "Any man who has come to terms with his dominant tendencies has learned what monsters roam around in the basement of his mind."
And a little further down, "Take heart from knowing that the very existence of this fear indicates that recaging the monster will not be as diffeicult as you expect."

There's lots you can do without actually becoming abusive. (She may want you to 'play' it that way once in a while...)

The more you know...

Have Fun! Play Safe!

~ Bette



MistressFire70 -> RE: Getting what we both want. (3/1/2005 6:45:55 AM)

As others have said, try combining the two. Learn to do Shibari rope harnesses...then tie them fairly tight. Use rope for restrictive bondage. But, always put metal cuffs on her with chains, so you can hear them rattle.

As for being abusive, it's not abuse if you both consent. Talk to her about your wishes.

Fire



ScooterTrash -> RE: Getting what we both want. (3/1/2005 6:37:53 PM)

Just a quick thought..although the metal cuffs may rattle, if I understood right she didn't like the "coldness", some good leather suspension cuffs are good and they give the sub something to grip, you don't have to use them for only suspension. Also, you may want to delve into some sensory deprevation..blindfolds can be exciting as they force the sub to use what's left to tell what's going on...hearing get's intense and the least little sound will have her wondering what's next.



MidnightWriter -> RE: Getting what we both want. (3/1/2005 7:28:58 PM)

You've gotten good advice - talking about what you both want is important.

Once upon a time in my youth, I and a lover each wrote down 15 scene scripts - nothing involved, just a 1 or 2 line main plot. We then went over each other's lists, with the option of culling the totally unacceptable scenes. Then we cut them into individual scraps, folded well, and tossed them into an empty mayo jar. When we were in the mood, we'd draw one - each was getting what they wanted, in a totally fair fashion. This may be an idea for you two to explore. Much of the value will be in seeing what the other has written - she and I never did empty that jar - we learned what worked for both of us.

As an example, if she's fond of the tightness of ropes, while you enjoy the solidity and noise of chains, you could wrap her tightly with the ropes, then place the chains outside of the ropes, using the chain for holddown - giving you both what you prefer, all at the same time.



ShiftedJewel -> RE: Getting what we both want. (3/2/2005 3:29:31 AM)

I LOVE the idea of randomly chosing the scene from a "mayo" jar! What a cool idea! Kind of like BDSM lottery!

And to touch on the subject of cold and pinching chains.... I can't blame her, cold has it's place, but when you have a few hairs on your wrist that are being continually pulled, or the skin in being pinched in a not so erotic way, it can be a little distracting from the pleasure. If suspension cuffs aren't for you, try some nice smooth, or even lined, leather cuffs, they are far more comfy then chains or rope, much better for circulation and still give the wearer a feeling of being tightly bound.

And I, like so many others here, agree that sensory deprivation is an awesome idea, but you really should make sure that she is up to it. At first the loss of sensory input can be overwhelming to some, start slow and see how she deals with it.

Jewel



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