RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (Full Version)

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scorpioaries -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 5:53:04 AM)

Firebirdseeking:

First, thank you for posting this question as it is one that I have been dealing with lately as my Sir is working on a contract for a "permanent collar" and I have been examining my feelings.

Having been an independent, self assured woman for many years I was surprised (shocked, in awe) to find myself entering into a M/s relationship after 30+ years in a vanilla one (husband died) .  What was the defining event/moment that changed this you asked...My willingness to give up my fear of loss of control.  The acceptance that I had found a man who was in tune to what I needed/wanted and could handle.  On my part  it was a slow changing of thoughts and acceptance of who I had always been..  There was never a demand to do something  - just a perception, on his part, of what I would do and wanted to do even before I had accepted this as fact.

Submission is a gift that you give to the DOM and not something that takes anything away from you.  In giving your submission you gain so much - actually, you both do. 

To all here who have been so willing to share your thoughts on so many topics I thank you and for this question I applaud you.

Carla



asassylilslave -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 6:14:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Thank you all again for your thoughtful replies.  But - what was the defining moment, or event, or process whereby you decided you were submissive?

Does it really matter; one way or another, to YOU, what the defining moment for US was?
 
 
 
 



KatyLied -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 6:30:24 AM)

For me it has to do with wanting to give up authority and control and giving it to another.  I find that I can thrive under those conditions and I enjoy it, even though I may sometime rail against it.

I think it's more important to define yourself within a relationship than to worry if you are submissive or top or slave.  You may be a bit of all three, depending on your partner and the type of relationship you have.



tricia -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 6:39:11 AM)

I don’t remember the ‘defining moment’ when I realized I was submissive – I simply always remember myself that way. 

With that being said, for many, many years I was in what I refer to as survival mode – not being able to see past day to day living.  This meant putting my ‘submissiveness’ on the back burner for the most part because I was married to an extremely passive man.  Even while I had to control every aspect of our marriage as a matter of this survival I speak of – I still ached for those intangibles.  To live a life true to my nature and who I am.  In my case, to live a life consistent with my perceptions of myself. To offer myself to someone i could respect and who would fulfill all of my womanly desires and meet all of my submissive needs.

My defining moment occurred about 7 years ago.  I woke up and the sun was shining through my window and I remember thinking, “tricia, you deserve a bit of happiness” and I realized part of that happiness would come from my being with someone who would allow me to acknowledge my submissiveness, expand on it, relish it and embrace it.   (I did stay married another five years because I also need to know he could survive without me taking care of him but he was aware of the way I felt from that morning on.  He simply knew he couldn’t be that man.   As a footnote – he continues to be my best friend.)



RumpusParable -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 1:56:02 PM)

For me, there was no real "defining moment".  I am a switch and when with someone who the right mix of chemistry, security, personality, etc is there I feel and am able to be submissive.  Same with what triggers dominance or equality in me: the individual interaction triggers an aspect of my personality.  This is how it has always been for me, just like only some people make me want to hug them hello or chat with them... we just "mesh" right and it comes out comfortably and naturally.



onestandingstill -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 4:40:47 PM)





I didn't read the thread but have an opinion.
I say it's your ability to give your will and self indentity to another for their control of your actions and deeds.




quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

What do we think is/are the essential traits that define submissiveness?  and please dont say 'desire to please" because plenty of non-submissive women have a desire to please.




MistressSassy66 -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 5:12:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

What do we think is/are the essential traits that define submissiveness?  and please dont say 'desire to please" because plenty of non-submissive women have a desire to please.



IMO...the root of submissiveness is the desire to please,I know you didnt want to
hear that. Traits...hmmm I think all people have certain traits.
Perhaps its the way patrice wont sit until told too.
The certain respect or higher regard towards a Miss or Sir.
A true willingness to help,the fact they see the trash needs to be emptied and do it...wait thats just having the sense to take out the full bag.
Seeing your glass almost empty and asking if You would like more.

Jeff Foxworthy says your trained when your wife says Shes hot and you get up and turn on the ceiling fan...lmao



BitaTruble -> RE: what defines "submissiveness"? (1/22/2007 6:09:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Thank you all again for your thoughtful replies.  But - what was the defining moment, or event, or process whereby you decided you were submissive?


For me it was when I was able to let go of a feeling of rejection when I wasn't allowed to serve as I thought I should have been.. and instead began to serve as he required. Sometimes that meant I wasn't allowed to get up and get him a soda and feeling bad that I wasn't allowed to do that meant I still held on to the reins and was dismissing the authority dynamic to which I had agreed. The process for letting go was completely internal and took me several years to really 'get' it. He was and is very good at helping me to 'get it'. [:)] These days, when he tells me to fetch him something, I do.. and when he tells me not to fetch him something.. or, when he fetches something for me, I don't feel bad about it because, in that moment, that's exactly what he wants.

Regarding the desire to please .. hmm .. I'm not sure that it's a desire for me, but rather that I'm motivated to serve and when I serve as he wants, he may be pleased or he may just be indifferent, so for me, it's more of a desire not to be displeasing because that has a reaction that is neither positive nor indifferent but rather negative and that's what I try to avoid. I guess the desire I have is to make his life easier as much as I am able, sometimes that means he's pleased, sometimes it means he is just less stressed than he would be without me. Right now, he's keeping me, so I think I'm doing something right. [:)]

Celeste



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