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what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 10:56:33 AM

Firebirdseeking

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What do we think is/are the essential traits that define submissiveness? and please dont say 'desire to please" because plenty of non-submissive women have a desire to please.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 12:07:35 PM

countrygirl69

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I am so new to this I am not sure I qualify to answer . but to me it is defined by not only the desire to please but the willingness to try any and all things to do just that .and also a love so deep it has never been felt before ,that you just want to show it in what ever way pleases that other person the most . like I said its just my feeling

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 12:27:04 PM

goodpet

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Wow, this will get a hundred different answers and a few post that link to a hundred different threads..

it is different to everyone..

submissiveness, to me, it the willingness to do as someone else wants me to do. more then simply obeying, but being willing to do what ever it is.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 12:48:26 PM

MrRodgers

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Interesting question for me now as I write here being a man of words and their meaning. Some of which have more than one and new meaning, now on the vast transom of the kinkosphere...yet another.

Coming from before the net...submissiveness meant not only a desire to please but a desire to please sexually. It was believed then that only in sexual submission could one progress to the kinky sexual fetishes...and BDSM.

Submission is a desire inside of a person looking for another who would inspire its appeal.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 1:48:05 PM

countrygirl69

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I like that answer MrRodgers

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 2:02:44 PM

bearincuffs

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Let's see: 1) Putting the other's wants and needs before my own, in and out of play situations.
                   2) Deriving satisfaction and wholeness by serving a more dominant person who I bonded with.
                    3) Knowing ourselves honestly enough to recognize we need to please our Master or Mistress.
                   4) To some extent passivity.

These are just what I believe are some of the traits of a submissive, but this is just how I see it and will differ with others. As each submissive is different, each will have their own opinion that differs from person to person.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 2:58:19 PM

MaryT

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For me, it is about groundlessness - not choosing, not knowing, not having control - but it's also about, sorry OP, wanting to win approval from the one who is grounded. From what I gather from the doms I find attractive online, and the one I'm finding attractive in r/l, it is very much about control. They don't call it power exchange/play for nothing.

MaryT

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 3:38:05 PM

asassylilslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

What do we think is/are the essential traits that define submissiveness? and please dont say 'desire to please" because plenty of non-submissive women have a desire to please.

the only essential traits that are of any importance are the ones that you and your partner put emphasis on.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 4:21:49 PM

sweetnurseBBW

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For me it is putting Master's needs before mine, getting pleasure from pleasing Master, and enjoying giving him control over everything. These are a few that work for me. Everyone has their own opinion.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 5:13:52 PM

Firebirdseeking

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Thank you all for your responses, but I think I need to rephrase my question.
How did you decide you were submissive, specifically? How do you separate submissiveness traits from generally being pleasing ( as we women are raised to be); and what made you decide you wanted/needed a D/s relationship?

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 5:16:20 PM

kyraofMists

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To me, submissiveness is the motivation to follow the will of another person over their own. I do not think that there are any particular personality trait or behavior that marks someone as submissive or dominant. To me the motivations of a person will show submissiveness or dominance.

Knight's kyra

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 5:40:23 PM

suboregano

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This touches on a question that I am struggling with mysef: is "submissiveness" (or maybe I should call it sub-ness) innate, or can anyone who wishes to be a sub, be one?

I really like bearincuffs answer that "Deriving satisfaction and wholeness by serving a more dominant person who I bonded with" is a mark of a submissive. For me that is probably one of the deciding factors: when I submit, I feel fulfilled. Feeling submissive sexually is a large part of it, too.

oregano

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 6:41:39 PM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: countrygirl69

and also a love so deep it has never been felt before

There is a percentage of submissives in the lifestyle that serve to serve, it has nothing with love. For them, it's akin to the pride that you see in British butlers.

There is no one answer for this question. There is no right answer for this question. Every single submissive has a different take on what we do and how we got here. It's really not important to know what drove me to it. What is of primary importance to you is to know what brought you here.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 7:02:44 PM

MaryT

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quote:

ORIGINAL: suboregano

This touches on a question that I am struggling with mysef: is "submissiveness" (or maybe I should call it sub-ness) innate, or can anyone who wishes to be a sub, be one?

Whether or not a person is "hard-wired" isn't relevant to whether one is a submissive or not or can be, IMO. I was from my earliest memories, but if you think about it, that doesn't really mean much.

MaryT

(in reply to suboregano)

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 7:04:11 PM

MaryT

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Firebirdseeking

Thank you all for your responses, but I think I need to rephrase my question.
How did you decide you were submissive, specifically? How do you separate submissiveness traits from generally being pleasing ( as we women are raised to be);

Reading how much I have in common with male subs was a clue.

MaryT

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 9:46:04 PM

MasterFireMaam

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Intent. Is it their intent to BE submissive when they exhibit that behavior? I serve drinks to my guests...but it's not my intent to do so in order to be submissive...it's my intent to be polite.

Master Fire

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/21/2007 11:12:18 PM

bearincuffs

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I never actually decided I was submissive, this is a trait I always had and took many years to fully accept.
How I differentiate between submissive traits and being pleasing is easy. In my opinion, being pleasing to people is treating them with common respect and decency. My submissive trait is how I always put everyone else's needs way above my own, I do and will compromise myself to make the other person happy, I avoid conflict as much as possible and have always been compelled to satsify everyone else's wants needs and desires before my own.
I got to a point in my life were I understood myself better and woke up to the fact that I do need a Dominant/Master to take control of my life as I do not have the ability to do so as I would like to.

LOL I used to joke with friends and say there is no man who would be able to make me submit!!!
The irony of this is I am submitting to a Master and this is as it should be!

_____________________________

property of Master Dave of the House of Gemini

An it harm none, do as thou wilt
Do what you will, so long as it harms none
An it harm none, do what thou will
That it harm none, do as thou wilt
Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/22/2007 2:36:15 AM

RumpusParable

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From both sides of the switching, I'd say "the giving over of power/responsibility".

When I dominate, that's what I'm looking for and enjoy.

And it's what makes the distinction for me between bottoming and submitting... I bottom to get my masochistic itch scratched with anyone I feel safe enough to; I only submit to one particular partner; the physical play may be the same but I only hand over my control in the second case.

It's not something inherently visible, it's an emotional difference. A level of giving of self.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/22/2007 5:18:22 AM

Celeste43

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For some it is service. For others their major kink is obedience. Still others are people pleasersand for yet another group it is emotional transparency. All of these can overlap but none of them have to. Meaning you can have someone who wants to brighten another's day but gets zero pleasure from doing their dishes or following explicit orders.

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RE: what defines "submissiveness"? - 1/22/2007 5:21:16 AM

Firebirdseeking

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Thank you all again for your thoughtful replies. But - what was the defining moment, or event, or process whereby you decided you were submissive?

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