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for the Sirs - a question - 3/1/2005 8:37:39 PM   
squirrelly


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline 		I have a question that I would like answered from the perspective of the Sirs.

I'm new, obviously. My first dom just recently got engaged, thus breaking apart our little "relationship". I've never been in the scene on my own, I've always had him leading me by the hand (or collar). How does a shy sub like myself go about meeting a dom without breaking etiquite? Or rather, how do you prefer to engage in meeting a sub?

Thanks in advance for your advice.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/1/2005 9:14:34 PM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline 		Ouch - my sympathies if that was the breach of trust that it looked like.

First off, engage yourself in the local R/L community, if there is one. You won't be alone - there are a lot of single subs, as well as a lot of single doms.

If you'd like to introduce yourself to a dominant, do so - simple polite behavior works in the scene as well. Meeting people and making friends usually works pretty much the same in any venue.

You may run into a "dom" who is protocol-struck, who will try to impress you by insisting that you should have called him Sir, knelt, prostrated yourself, used the correct keyphrase, or acted as if you'd always been submissive to them. They will be doing you a great favor, identifying themselves as someone to stay far away from, before you waste any more time on them.

Get to know the other subs - the collared ones will often point out an available dom that they hold in some regard.

The one bottom who approached me successfully simply smiled, handed me her calling card, and asked me to call her sometime. I did, and while she's not the submissive I want, she's a fun bottom, and we've been seeing each other for almost 2 years. I'm pretty sure she made the calling card up on a computer - it doesn't have to be expensive or involved.

She had, by the way, checked my references - she'd heard from several folks about my standing in the community, my reputation, and probably some of my history. This is good - doing so yourself when someone interests you will help you avoid some mistakes.

Good luck to you, and welcome to collarme!

_____________________________

Power corrupts. Absolute power ... is really pretty nifty.

TIES - pansexual BDSM social group in MN, USA - http://www.ties-bdsm.org

(in reply to squirrelly)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/1/2005 9:34:40 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline 		Yes, I agree about watching out for the bad Dom/mes. The only thing I insist on of A/anyone is just proper capitalization and usage of lower case. To some, usually the more experienced, even that is too much, but I don't think it's a lot to ask. Personally I think it just shows your respect for the Dom/me and the humility in yourself.

References, again I agree. There are so many jerks out there it's insane. The good ones do have references from the O/others in the community. This holds true for chatrooms and messageboards alike. I wouldn't put a lot of faith in Their profiles. Heck, I'm telling you to not even put faith in Mine. It's merely a starting point. Ask around to other people. The good Dom/mes have a reputation. For instance, I've seen a few in here that I already respect, and I haven't been here long. Often, if one has wisdom and discernment, one can tell by the way They present themselves and the wisdom with which They speak.

I guess what I'm getting to is simply this. It's not going to happen overnight, and it certainly isn't going to happen by messaging the first Dom/me/profile that you see. It will take time, asking the right questions and listening to Them speak before you will be able to figure out which Dom/me you would like to pursue.

Good luck to you anyways.

(in reply to MidnightWriter)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/1/2005 10:24:16 PM   
stripmaster


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/2/2005
Status: offline 		I really like what Midnight had to say. Any relationship to needs trust to work. The more trust the great depths of submission can be obtained. Too many Doms, think a harsh word or a hand accross the face is how you keep your slave in line and do as you ordered. For me a slave is like a good book, the cover has nothing to do with the inside, and its the inside you want to read forward and backwards. Each time you read her you learn more and more. True power over a slave comes from knowing her inside and out.

Local groups are ok been there done that. Chat groups are ok if you got the time and patients. Think of it this way if you were going to buy a house (big life changing event). You would do a lot of looking and try to find one that had all the things YOU want. If you settle for less you will regret it. I prefer to search websites for a slave that enjoys all the things that I do. Then email her and try to chat one on one. Before moving to a phone.

Above all be honest about everything; who you are, what you what, and find out what you potential Master's plans are for you, short term and long. That doesn't mean give him your real name, phone number and house address on the first email or chat. That kind of information should only come after you spent some time really getting to know him. My late wife and I spent 1 month chatting before we ever called each other. Then another one before we meet in person. We knew each other better then most husbands and wifes that had been married for 10 years.

good hunting, may patients be with you.

_____________________________

Spare the rod and spoil the slave

(in reply to squirrelly)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 6:43:41 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Be yourself, every dom is different. Use the same etiquette you've always used in the vanilla world and you will be fine. Doms are normal people.

(in reply to squirrelly)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 6:46:54 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin
To some, usually the more experienced, even that is too much, but I don't think it's a lot to ask. Personally I think it just shows your respect for the Dom/me and the humility in yourself.

I just don't see why a random dominant is automatically in a separate class and deserves separate attention than a slave. Now, if I were courting someone and they wanted me to do so as our relationship developed organically, that's a perfectly fine way to get things going. But for a first off thing? No thanks.

quote:

The good ones do have references from the O/others in the community.

Just remember that in order to judge the reference, you have to understand the past history of the referencer to the referencee.


(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 8:07:53 AM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2

I just don't see why a random dominant is automatically in a separate class and deserves separate attention than a slave. Now, if I were courting someone and they wanted me to do so as our relationship developed organically, that's a perfectly fine way to get things going. But for a first off thing? No thanks.


I see a lot of subs doing that to Dom/mes, whether they are new to the lifestyle or not. I'll be honest with you. It was a few subs (and two Dom/mes) that got Me in the habit to begin with. heh :) If I remember correctly Castle Realm does it too (but that's just off the top of My head. I haven't been there in a while. I could use a refresher course though). Like I said, I understand that it's different strokes for different folks.

quote:

Just remember that in order to judge the reference, you have to understand the past history of the referencer to the referencee.


Oh, that's a very good point. I hadn't thought of that.

< Message edited by SirKenin -- 3/2/2005 8:08:22 AM >

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 9:34:20 AM   
squirrelly


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline 		honestly, i'm not looking to find "the one" on a box on a computer. I'd love to get involved on here and other groups like this to learn and meet new people, but when it comes to meeting people, i would rather do it in person.

(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 12:44:59 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: squirrelly

honestly, i'm not looking to find "the one" on a box on a computer. I'd love to get involved on here and other groups like this to learn and meet new people, but when it comes to meeting people, i would rather do it in person.


you know the best way to do this? Find out where the local Fet parties and munches are and attend them. Not only are they lots of fun, but you will meet lots of great P/people there. Perhaps even a very interested Dom/me.

Look for websites that list the events. One such site is freestylekink.com, although I don't know if they will have listings for your area or not.

(in reply to squirrelly)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 3:03:27 PM   
NoPinkBalloons


Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

The only thing I insist on of A/anyone is just proper capitalization and usage of lower case.


I'd be interested in the source of your "proper" capitalization. Every grammar course I've ever taken and every grammar book I've ever read would indicate that the capitalization you're using is improper.

I'm also interested in how you know what letters someone is capitalizing when they speak to you in person. Can you hear a difference between, for example, Sherri and sherri? And how do you say "A/anyone"? I've yet to understand if that's pronounced with a stutter, or repeated, or if there's some other trick to it.

quote:


To some, usually the more experienced, even that is too much, but I don't think it's a lot to ask.


I can understand that. I don't think a basic command of proper written grammar is a lot to ask of people who correspond with me either.

quote:

Personally I think it just shows your respect for the Dom/me and the humility in yourself.


This suggests that people who self-identify as submissive or switch or pink chair aren't entitled to the same respect. That never flies with me. Everyone is on a level playing field when I first meet them. They move up or down that field based on their actions and interactions, not based on the role they choose for themselves.

quote:

References, again I agree. There are so many jerks out there it's insane. The good ones do have references from the O/others in the community.


I'm not a big fan of references, personally, because they're so subjective. Some people will tell you that I'm evil incarnate (and not in the good way) while others will suggest that I"m the Goddess Divine. The truth, of course, lies somewhere in the middle. What makes a good partner for one person might be a horrific mistake for someone else.

Bad reference can also be the result of unhappy breakups, etc. It's quite easy to blacklist someone if you have some social standing in your local community and decide that your former partner is a "bad person".

Listen to what others have to say, of course, but ultimately use your own judgement.



_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 3:40:10 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NoPinkBalloons
I'd be interested in the source of your "proper" capitalization. Every grammar course I've ever taken and every grammar book I've ever read would indicate that the capitalization you're using is improper.

I'm also interested in how you know what letters someone is capitalizing when they speak to you in person. Can you hear a difference between, for example, Sherri and sherri? And how do you say "A/anyone"? I've yet to understand if that's pronounced with a stutter, or repeated, or if there's some other trick to it.


This is an online mannerism of which I speak. Not in person. In person is entirely different. When addressing a Dom/me, I look Them in the eye and shake Their hand, followed by addressing Them according to how They introduce Themselves. This is a simple matter of respect. I expect My pet to be to My side and slightly behind Me, her head held level and her eyes looking downward. Again, she is to address Them as introduced. she is also introduced as My pet. When in informal conversation then can she glance upwards and engage in conversation.

To Me it's all about respect to My peers. Obviously capitalization cannot be iterated in a face to face meeting. That's where mannerisms take over.

When I speak to other Dom/mes online, I address Them with the respect They deserve. In My world, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I always give Them My complete trust and faith that They are who They say They are. If They aren't, Their true nature will become revealed to me and I refuse to talk to Them, as They aren't worth My time. I want a Mentor or a friend. Not a loser.

When a sub addresses Me, I request the same courtesy I give others. I'm not a phoney, I'm not a fraud. I don't desire to be treated as such. If they don't have the common decency to at least be respectful, then I don't want to waste My time talking to them.

What I'm saying is that Y/you should always treat O/others the way that Y/you Y/yourself should desire to be treated. I'm not talking about them kneeling to You, bowing to You, calling You Sir or anything else. I don't ask any of that from anyone. If they do it, they do it of their own accord at which time I tell them that they need to do none of that, as they are not My pet.

This obviously isn't carved in stone. Not E/everyone sees things the same way I do. However, just to make sure I wasn't in left field I checked it out with My peers. Although some don't insist on it, I was told that it was perfectly acceptable to make that request if I so desired. And it just so happens that I do.

quote:

I'm not a big fan of references, personally, because they're so subjective. Some people will tell you that I'm evil incarnate (and not in the good way) while others will suggest that I"m the Goddess Divine. The truth, of course, lies somewhere in the middle. What makes a good partner for one person might be a horrific mistake for someone else.

Bad reference can also be the result of unhappy breakups, etc. It's quite easy to blacklist someone if you have some social standing in your local community and decide that your former partner is a "bad person".

Listen to what others have to say, of course, but ultimately use your own judgement.


I'm a big fan of them for obvious reasons. It doesn't take a genius to take the good, the bad and the ugly and find the middle ground. I know that there's two sides to every story. I'd like to say this takes wisdom and discernment, followed by a tooting of My own horn, but it really doesn't. This is just basic common sense.

A/anyone can say anything they want about T/themselves. Take Me for instance. I can tell you that I am the best person in the world. I am this, I am that, yadda yadda yadda. Ok. It's easy to fake being someone Y/you're not when Y/you're on a message board, in a chatroom or in a first time meeting.

So I ask you then, what is it that a P/person can faithfully rely on? References and experience. The words of O/others that know the Dom/me or sub, and the words of the P/person in question. With time it becomes painfully obvious what kind of person they are, just like it becomes obvious to Me what kind of person you are by your mannerisms. See, facades are impossible to uphold. Eventually Y/you wear out and slip up, not able to uphold the facade any longer. Suddenly Y/your true nature becomes exposed, and the truth will either reveal a beauty or a beast.

(in reply to NoPinkBalloons)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 4:25:25 PM   
ProtagonistLily


Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Yes, I agree about watching out for the bad Dom/mes. The only thing I insist on of A/anyone is just proper capitalization and usage of lower case. To some, usually the more experienced, even that is too much, but I don't think it's a lot to ask. Personally I think it just shows your respect for the Dom/me and the humility in yourself


Really? So all that matters is that a submissive learn a set of prescribed grammer indicators in order to be taken seriously and qualified as respectful, and as long as they use proper capitalization, they are deemed 'real' and therefore paying sufficient homage to you and your domliness?

This is a joke right? I don't think it's a lot to ask, but I certainly do think it's a pretty elementary thing to base someone's level of respect on.

How do you allow this to manifest itself in Real Time? How does one indicate, say, in conversation, if they are capitalizing or not?

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 4:47:18 PM   
NoPinkBalloons


Posts: 125
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

This obviously isn't carved in stone. Not E/everyone sees things the same way I do. However, just to make sure I wasn't in left field I checked it out with My peers. Although some don't insist on it, I was told that it was perfectly acceptable to make that request if I so desired. And it just so happens that I do.


Indeed, you can request anything you like. My quibble was with your reference to it as "proper capitalization". To the best of my knowledge it's not. Perhaps it's just a matter of peer groups. My peers tend to prefer good grammar and a reasonable command of the language.

quote:


So I ask you then, what is it that a P/person can faithfully rely on? References and experience. The words of O/others that know the Dom/me or sub, and the words of the P/person in question.


Personally, I trust my gut and my instincts a lot more than I trust other people's opinions.



_____________________________

-- Sherri

A hard-on does NOT count as personal growth

(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 5:30:34 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NoPinkBalloons

Indeed, you can request anything you like. My quibble was with your reference to it as "proper capitalization". To the best of my knowledge it's not. Perhaps it's just a matter of peer groups. My peers tend to prefer good grammar and a reasonable command of the language.


I think that's fair to say in essence, but it's not indicative of either good grammar or a command of the English language. It's indicative of a certain level of respect in My circles and many online circles, including websites of the likes of http://www.submissiveloving.com/ . Like I said, not E/everyone adheres to the same creed I do. However, I personally won't embark upon an online conversation with any sub that doesn't "speak" in this manner. I guess it's just My preference.

quote:


Personally, I trust my gut and my instincts a lot more than I trust other people's opinions.


This can be absolutely fatal. you have nothing concrete to base your decisions on when you work solely within these parameters. Gut instinct just doesn't cut it without having sufficient data upon which to work with. Remember, gut instinct can very easily be (over)ruled by emotion or the heat of the moment. It is not infallible. Logic would seem to dictate that O/one would gather all the data available to T/them, in the form of good and bad references and the wisdom with which the Dom/me speaks on a continual basis. Then, and only then, can O/one formulate a valid, logical, safe conclusion.

(in reply to NoPinkBalloons)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 5:38:22 PM   
squirrelly


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline 		To me, this capitalization discussion is more of a headache, literally, to look at, let alone worry about upsetting you over Which Letters I Chose To Capitalize Or Not. Also, this is not what my original question was based on, so it's of no help to me.
It means no disrespect to anyone reading, or insubordination a Dom. To me, it's about having my MA in English and knowing proper grammar in general and chosing not to sound like a babbling idiot when I have something to say.
If someone is going to disregard me or discipline me based on my CaPiTaLiZaTiOn preferences, then honestly, I'd rather not have them as my top. That's just my preference and I'm allowed to hold to it as tightly as I would like.

< Message edited by squirrelly -- 3/2/2005 5:42:51 PM >

(in reply to NoPinkBalloons)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 5:42:41 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

Really? So all that matters is that a submissive learn a set of prescribed grammer indicators in order to be taken seriously and qualified as respectful, and as long as they use proper capitalization, they are deemed 'real' and therefore paying sufficient homage to you and your domliness?


It's not the sole quality you look for. No. Nowhere did I say that. However it is a starting point for Me. If the sub starts off on the wrong foot by using what I would consider to be improper protocol, I block them. No questions asked. No pussyfooting around.. That's it. End of discussion.

To Me it's not a lot to ask, and certainly this has been confirmed by My peers and BDSM resources such as the one I pointed out in My previous post. If you can't be bothered to take the time to address a Dom/me with a handful of capital letters, which don't take a lot of effort to reproduce but demonstrate that you have respect for who They are and what They do, why should They take the effort to address you? When you think about it it makes sense. I am strict about it (I am, after all, a strict Dom and I freely admit it as you will see in My profile), but Others may not be. I don't begrudge or besmirch Them, I simply don't follow in Their footsteps.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 6:05:27 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Congradulations. You are the 2nd person to be posting on the message boards who is from Arlington TX. Pet belongs to me.

Anyways, A Dom collard you but became engaged to someone else. I think he's a moron.

Ready to scene single? Well be yourself and you'll find a good dom who will like you for who you are and or like working with you and bringing you to more and better heights. Every Dom is different and expects different things from submissives. Perhaps you should just keep your introductions simple. "Greetings Sir, My name is _____ and I'm interested in serving. May I have permission to speak to you about it?"

If they don't like how you introduced yourself, then recomend that you are ready for discipline and would like to learn the correct manner they would like to be addressed. After all, most Doms including myself like subs who are willing to learn and find making a mistake here and there kinda fun.






Attachment (1)

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to squirrelly)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 6:13:00 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: squirrelly]If someone is going to disregard me or discipline me based on my CaPiTaLiZaTiOn preferences, then honestly, I'd rather not have them as my top. That's just my preference and I'm allowed to hold to it as tightly as I would like.


Yes, you certainly are entitled to any opinion you desire to hold and I won't begrudge you for exercising your right to hold it. Frankly, as I've pointed out a couple of times, I have the right to ignore those I wish. If I sound like a babbling idiot as you say, so be it.

(in reply to squirrelly)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 6:19:30 PM   
squirrelly


Posts: 16
Joined: 3/1/2005
Status: offline 		No, I wasn't pointing that comment at you. I was referring my grammar preferences in general. Really, it was not pointed at you.

(in reply to SirKenin)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: for the Sirs - a question - 3/2/2005 8:20:37 PM   
MidnightWriter


Posts: 131
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: EmeraldSlave2
Doms are normal people.

<raises eyebrow> Um.. speak for yourself - not all of us are, and some of us would take the inference as an insult.

_____________________________

Power corrupts. Absolute power ... is really pretty nifty.

TIES - pansexual BDSM social group in MN, USA - http://www.ties-bdsm.org

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 20
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