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CerebralDomHfx -> RE: Guiding a New Sub - How much help is too much? (1/24/2007 7:58:02 PM)
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Ah, I thank you all for your posts. Some have been helpful, others are just falling into the usual net bickering that seems to happen online so often.. :-)
As you can imagine, it's more complex than what I can present here - It took me a few pages just to pose the question in the simplest fashion I could - To explain the whole situation in full detail is beyond what I'm willing to do, and honestly I don't feel I need help with the other aspects of it.
I was curious to get some different perspectives. My real confusion was on the "Do I treat her differently because I know she's a sub" question, and I'm hearing from the group that she shouldn't get any special treatment for that. So noted..
Of course this is a game we are playing – Life is a game as far as I’m concerned. Be true to yourself and others, and don’t take it too seriously.
There are a lot of people who are quick to jump into the "Harlot!! Liar!!" camp. :-) When I thought about it more and checked some dates, I found that we had only been chatting for a month and few weeks by the time she told me about her big secret that no one knows. I don't expect someone to dump their entire life story to me in one go, I expect a gradual full disclosure once that person learns to trust me - And I'm sure you can all appreciate that it takes a little while to know you can trust someone you meet online - Specially if it's your first time. I went from strange sex freak (hey!) on the Internet to someone she's trusting with her most intimate details in less than two months, no face-to-face contact. I think that's fair.
I might as well touch on the oddity of the no meet thing now too - I know, I know.. I've been on literally a hundred coffee dates over the past 5 years, and I know how people can be different when you meet them in person. But I've also come to understand how they can be similar - And the qualities I'm looking for in a woman don't change from online to face-time. We've had plenty of time on cam (clothed for the pervs out there.. ), so I know what I'm getting into. I'm sure things will be more of a surprise for her, as I will be her first internet-based meeting, but I'm sure that while she will be different in some ways, she will also be largely the same.
Run run run is the advice, and I’d agree with you for any normal woman. Ah yes, I am attached to her, but I’m also not an idiot here… despite the fact that I have asked for relationship advice on the Internet. :-D
I don’t feel like running at this stage because I don’t believe it’s easy to find someone like her – Ignore this large flaw of her being with a married man (which as I pointed out before is morally wrong, but it’s not cheating.. If I’m not on a diet, can I cheat on it? Got-cha ), and she’s got an amazing amount of potential for me.
I live in a small city – A listing of every female sub under 50 on this site, for my city won’t even fill one page. This isn’t Toronto or Montreal where subs grow on trees (or can be found tied to them :-) ). Almost all my mail received here in six months has been from subs or Doms outside of my area complimenting me on my profile. That doesn’t do much for me does it? :-) While I will not compromise on what I need in a woman, I will also not be quick to dismiss one who has the potential for being an excellent match.
So.. enough musing.. what will I do?
Here’s what I’ve decided;
If she wants to keep me as a friend, she has to show me that I mean something to her, and she needs to treat me as a real-life friend, not a chat buddy.
We’re going to meet for a drink, and just chat. I think it’s a valid point to meet and chat face to face so I can see the woman who has consumed so much of my time. Maybe I will find that there isn’t enough there to sustain a romantic relationship, in which case everything becomes really easy for me to just be a friend. We will meet from time to time, but I’m going to keep this friendly at this stage. Our first meet will actually be 4 months to the day from our first chat – I like lining things up like that.
She’s going to call me on the phone from time to time and chat, like you do with normal people. :-) She’s not allowed to only chat to me between these infrequent meets. One of her crutches is that she can’t tell people in person what she really wants and needs – she can do this with me in chat, so she will learn to do it with me on the phone.. and slowly she will get over this fear of verbalizing her needs to people.
I will keep my distance for now, and make sure I don’t get too close. She can’t have me as anything other than a friend until she’s moved on.. and I mean moved on – no dumping him and jumping into my arms. She’s got to take the leap knowing I may not be there for her… because I will continue to look for my sub, I will not wait. If she dumped him tomorrow, it would take months before I’d consider her.
I’ve told her this, and while she’s scared, she agrees. She keeps telling me I’m very special to her, and she’s willing to follow these ground rules to show me that I mean a lot to her, and to keep me in her life.
So what’s done is done. I’ve made my decision, and I will let this next stage play out the way I have planned. Comments are welcome, but not required because I’ve made my decision.
Thanks.
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