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undergroundsea -> RE: male submissive troubles (1/24/2007 8:23:23 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MsWildfire22
I gather that he has had an interest in BDSM and introduced you to it. It seems you then took on dominance for the sake of the relationship. Your profile suggests you are enthusiastic about dominance. It is not clear to me how much of this enthusiasm is from enjoying dominance for its sake, and how much from wanting to enjoy dominance for his sake. I think for the relationship to be healthy, you need to find enough satisfaction to want to repeat the experience.
It seems you two are still discovering your boundaries and interests. One that seems to be immediately relevant is play outside the relationship. You list swinging and polyamory as hard limits. However, you were thinking to add a female submissive, and it seems your long-term BDSM goals rest on multiple partners.
Here are some questions that came to mind as I read your posts.
What inspired the idea to bring in a female submissive? Is it because you do indeed wish to have multiple partners? Is it because he does not provide all you wish from a submissive? Or was it a response to his withdrawal?
You say you are pretty sure the idea of a female submissive made him angry. What makes you pretty sure? How did he respond during or after the conversation? If you are not completely sure, it might help to explicitly ask him how he felt about the suggestion.
You think his comments about she-males may be a reaction to your the suggestion about the female submissive. Did the reference to she-males follow the conversation about the female submissive, and if so, was it soon enough to be considered related to the first discussion? Was there a period of anger or withdrawal followed by this suggestion, or was it business as usual followed by a spontaneous suggestion?
I am unclear about the nature of your dynamic. Your profile says it is limited to bedroom play and does not span the overall dynamic. In the posts there is a reference to putting your foot down as a domme, which suggests a broader application of the dynamic. It might help to compare notes on what you two envision the dynamic to be so as to be on the same page.
I am unclear on your respective views about play outside the relationship. You list it as a hard limit, and say he does not like to share. Yet each of you has suggested play outside the relationship. It might be help to compare notes and be clear on how each feels about this matter.
The anger and withdrawal is certainly not good, and I can understand why it would distress you. If there is general anger, it could explain the sexual withdrawal.
It could be he is angry at external matters and is venting this anger on you because he thinks he can. In that event, I think you should put your foot down as a person even when not in the D/s dynamic. I sense this is least likely of the possibilities.
Another possibility is that he is angry as a result of an interaction between the two of you. If he is indeed curious about bisexuality, your response to it could be relevant. You seem quite concerned about the matter, which may have affected how you responded when he raised the matter. If he was expecting support and instead got the opposite, that could be one possible cause for anger. That could also explain why he is reluctant to discuss the matter with you. If this reason is the cause of the anger, your suggestion to bring in a female submissive could aggravate the matter for it could be seen as a double standard.
Another possibility is that he has unmet expectations for a D/s relationship, and is directing the frustration for having these unmet expectations at you. That is, he is blaming you for discontent that he feels.
Sometimes one pushes around a partner and feels an anger towards the partner for not taking a stand. If this scenario is occuring, it is relevant at both the D/s and vanilla level.
Another possibility is, as you suggest, he is angry about the suggestion to bring in a female submissive, and is playing a retaliatory game.
Right now, we are all guessing, including you. I think the resolution involves compassionate communication to identify the cause of the disharmony. There is a way to talk to someone who is angry which will increase the anger. There is a way to ask someone who is angry which will soften the anger. A book that comes to mind as I type this post is Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Rosenberg.
If the reason is that he wants to explore bisexuality and senses rebuke instead of support, then the question is can you handle his bisexuality.
If the reason is unmet expectations, I think it would help for the two of you to compare notes on what you see to be expressions of dominance and submission.
If the reason is retaliation, I think it would help to discuss boundaries and agree on a way to express discontent.
As you have these discussions, I think you will face questions of compatibility; do you have compatible ideas about the place of BDSM in your lives, do you have compatible ideas about play outside the relationship, and do you have compatible ideas about sexual orientation? While two years is a considerable amount of time to invest in a relationship, and being engaged means you two must care about each other, it is easier to pull away from an engagement than it is a marriage. So I think it is important to visit these questions of compatibility.
I hope things work out.
Cheers,
Sea
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