RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (Full Version)

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Tslaveboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/23/2007 9:29:39 PM)

I kind of got the feeling that my socialability was seen as some form of threat to her power. So I think you hit the nail on the head with that observation.

I had this same discussion with her this evening and she insists that ALL dommes have the same rules. If that's the case, then I just can't be involved with this any longer. I will definately miss the BDSM activities, especially the group activity.

Officially, tonight was the end of our BDSM relationship. She also insisted that I not contact any of her friends who are dommes. So if that is what it takes to get my personality back, then so be it.



thetammyjo -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 6:17:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tslaveboy

The kink match is absolutely perfect. But the social part isn't.

I'd like to discuss this with her, but she is dominant in everything and prefers total control. I wish she were a little more flexible on this issue. But it's not going to happen.


Maybe you two should just have a kinky relationship then and lead other parts of your life separately.

If she doesn't like that, I can't really imagine why you stay on.

Having our fetishes and fantasies fulfilled is nice but that shouldn't be the bulk of our lives. The mundane world and our other needs must be considered or we end up depressed, anger, and throwing away those things we do enjoy. (which is what you are talking about -- throwing away some things to get others that seem equally valuable to you based on what you've said)



thetammyjo -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 6:19:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tslaveboy

I had this same discussion with her this evening and she insists that ALL dommes have the same rules. If that's the case, then I just can't be involved with this any longer. I will definately miss the BDSM activities, especially the group activity.

Officially, tonight was the end of our BDSM relationship. She also insisted that I not contact any of her friends who are dommes. So if that is what it takes to get my personality back, then so be it.


She's playing a game with you. She trying the "all dommes do it this way" to try and trick you or ruin your future in BDSM because she's a spoiled brat. There I said it: She is spoiled brat, she is acting like a child, and children shouldn't be doing BDSM in my strong opinion.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 6:35:04 AM)

quote:

I had this same discussion with her this evening and she insists that ALL dommes have the same rules. If that's the case, then I just can't be involved with this any longer. I will definately miss the BDSM activities, especially the group activity.

Officially, tonight was the end of our BDSM relationship. She also insisted that I not contact any of her friends who are dommes. So if that is what it takes to get my personality back, then so be it.
Why do you keep threatening to leave BDSM as if it was all a cute game to you, but now you're done?   Does BDSM mean you're always playing in some form?   You needn't stop being who you are simply because one relationship didn't work out!   Wouldn't that be like sayin't "I'm not dating anymore?"

Your domina sounds very insecure, especially when she says "all dommes do it this way, and don't contact my friends."   First of all, not all dominas do it that way, and being an independent thinker ought to be among the hallmarks of a person who wants to lead...  The other thing is that she cannot say with whom you should socialize once you no longer belong to her.  You're an adult and independent human being, and can do as you damn well please if you're not owned/directed by her/anyone else.    M



MaamJay -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 6:51:57 AM)

Well when I am Domming, I specifically instruct My male subs to forget all those non-communication protocols! I like My subs to look Me in the eye, not wander around with their eyes lowered. And in social situations, I expect them to be the best they can be ... polite, respectful (but NOT submissive) to others, and if they have a lively personality, so much the better. Being true to their nature is much more important to Me than are any "rules" that might have arisen outside of O/our relationship. The only rules that should matter to them are the ones I impose ... and I wouldn't impose a rule that requires a sub to be perpetually outside of their true nature! Sure I might play with that a bit ... I set one very social sub a challenge ... he had to spend the evening at a party unable to talk and wearing a magnetic slate around his neck with his best writing hand tied behind him! That proved to be a fun and exciting challenge and he accomplished a great deal of communication. But I wouldn't ask this of him every party.

So I agree with Tammy, Tslaveboy, your (ex)Domme is playing the "all Dommes do it this way" trump card and losing the game! Amongst anything else, how in hell could She know what other Dommes do?? Has She asked every Domme in the world? Obviously not! Sadly, She has lost Herself a sub who apparently was well suited to Her kinks ... and made him so disenchanted he is thinking of leaving the lifestyle. While I agree it will be tough to find another Domme given your kinks, I think you two only looked at the matching kinks when you got together ... and as you have discovered, that's just not enough to sustain the relationship. you and She need to be more suited on many levels. I wish you luck in finding a better match.

As to suzanne, my sub side was rather appalled by what you wrote. your Master thinks it's OK to be more outgoing but YOU think it brings Him honour to do differently?? How is He possibly honoured by your disobedience? In His shoes, I would feel dishonoured and put down by My sub/slave and that's not a good feeling! you are putting the possible ideals and perceptions of others above your Master, and to me, that's not what being a sub is about. He is the One that matters, it is His will, His preferences that should count in your life. To do otherwise is either arrogance (you are effectively saying "i know better than You") or disobedience ("i hear what You say but i'm doing it my way"). Please think about this further and see what really matters to you. Hopefully it will prove to be your Master and His wants and desires!

All the best to both you and Tslaveboy
Maam Jay aka violet[A]



LadyHugs -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 10:19:05 AM)

Dear Tslaveboy, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I am sorry the relationship ended however, it may open doors to a wider selection of individuals in the long run.
 
It was interesting her 'commands' after the relationship was over, as not to contact any of the other dominants, just as it was interesting she claims 'all dominants do this' phrase.  Heavens, I have yet to meet any group of women to agree on anything other than chocolate, high heels over clogs and a time for tea or lunch.  Each person that is out in the community is different.  A lumping all dominants together would be as absurd as saying all dominant women are blonde.  Not all of us are blonde.  Each dominant woman has their own set of rules.
I'm sure some would see my manual as a strict sense of disciplines.
 
And, I may also add, that once you are free--you aren't obligated to obey any command of hers.
 
Perhaps you need to socialize more with those she fears most.  See for yourself and let them see for themselves.  Control is not Domination.  Control is restrictive, negative, feeds on fear or fear of rejection.  Soon a controller has a person afraid to live, so their submissive heart dies and gives up.
 
Take a break from BDSM might be wise.  Look and live a bit and then return to the social circles and enjoy everybody as individuals.  Heal and return when you're ready.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs



Tslaveboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 6:47:44 PM)

She's actually a pro-domme and does have a wide network of friends in this industry. She may be correct on the point of all dommes wanting things this way. I really don't know one way or the other.

But as for leaving this behind, it may just be temporary until I feel comfortable again. I've actually gone celibate for about 7 years in the past (87-94) and enjoyed the celibate life while it lasted. I'm sure I could do it again.



cloudboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 7:00:31 PM)


Are you trying to say that man cannot live by kink alone? If she feels you are disposable and replaceable, then she will have little incentive to flex-up to meet your needs, but if she has some emotional attachment to you ---- I would hope she might find some way to meet you halfway. From what I have seen and read of most people, your Mistress seems much more hard core than the avg. woman involved in BDSM.

Sounds to me like you are in a pretty hard core relationship, and to me you have illustrated the up and downside to it pretty well.

Its an odd thing about S&M and BDSM and the inner polemical needs one has for freedom and bondage. Good luck finding your way.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 7:20:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tslaveboy
She's actually a pro-domme and does have a wide network of friends in this industry. She may be correct on the point of all dommes wanting things this way. I really don't know one way or the other.
I know she isn't correct as far as I am concerned, because I am a female dominant, although not a pro (because with me it really might be prostitution, and I'm not ready to go there lol), I don't do things the way you say she says/does.

quote:

But as for leaving this behind, it may just be temporary until I feel comfortable again. I've actually gone celibate for about 7 years in the past (87-94) and enjoyed the celibate life while it lasted. I'm sure I could do it again.
If you love her so much you think she's the only woman who can fullfill your needs, than buck up and follow her exact orders until you no longer can.   If you're not content with the relationship, and realize there are many more women in D/s relationships, and you can perhaps find a better match, than get to steppin' and go realize your own destiny...  In my opinion it shouldn't require years of celibacy, but if self imposed chastity is your kink, who am I to judge? [:D]
Good luck,   M



TreasurePet -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 8:01:57 PM)

I havn't read the rest of this thread so maybe someone already said this, but onestandingstill, I have to ask ... why is what others think of "honor" or protocol more important thatn what your Dom thinks?

There is no set rule that all subs/slaves/bottoms must do X to be good .. THE rule is whatever your Dom/Owner/Master/Mistress says it is.
If he says who cares and expects you to do what pleases you on that point, then you should be doing what actually PLEASES YOU and not pleases others.

I owe ONLY my Owner my obedience, loyalty, devotion, dedication and even my humility. If my Owner wishes that I behave a certain way, it WILL be done. If my Owner wants me to do what pleases ME, then I will stop and consider and do that. What others say, I SHOULD do is of no interest to me.



TreasurePet -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 8:11:19 PM)

You have just been informed that there is no set standard by which all dommes operate. Are you not listening? And if so, then why are you asking?
I know for a fact that not all Doms ... male or female ... expect the same things.
Doms are people too (or so they keep saying :wink:) and they come in a wide variety of expectations, wants, rules and protocols.
My Owner INSISTS that I keep eye contact as that way it is clear what I am really thinking and/or feeling no matter what I actually say. It is often difficult for me to do so but I try very hard to meet all of my Owners expectations of me. (I often fail but I know for a fact that slaves are people too :wink:)
Good luck to you .. I am sure there is a match for you but I know it is very ahrd to find them too.



kc692 -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 8:26:42 PM)

Is this the same mistress of less than 2 months ago, that made you a star?????

http://www.collarchat.com/m_702013/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#



undergroundsea -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 8:36:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tslaveboy

She's actually a pro-domme and does have a wide network of friends in this industry. She may be correct on the point of all dommes wanting things this way. I really don't know one way or the other.


In my opinion, being a pro-domme alone neither confirms nor negates high level of knowledge about different BDSM relationships. And I think there is no one way to go about BDSM.

The one point on which I can see a somewhat universal agreement is if your behavior is disrespectful or negatively reflects on her. That is, if you are being social, that is well and good. However, if the manner in which you are being social comes across as disrespectful or reflects negatively on her (her sub is trying to get it on with several other dommes), then I can see almost every woman objecting in the same way.

Cheers,

Sea



AAkasha -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/24/2007 10:10:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tslaveboy

I kind of got the feeling that my socialability was seen as some form of threat to her power. So I think you hit the nail on the head with that observation.

I had this same discussion with her this evening and she insists that ALL dommes have the same rules. If that's the case, then I just can't be involved with this any longer. I will definately miss the BDSM activities, especially the group activity.

Officially, tonight was the end of our BDSM relationship. She also insisted that I not contact any of her friends who are dommes. So if that is what it takes to get my personality back, then so be it.


Some advice -- don't throw away all your toys in a "purge" thinking you will just shut the door on your kinks and find a new life.  You will be back sooner than you think.

As for your ex -- sounds like you guys didn't love or groove on each other much, just had compatible kinks. Easy come, easy go. Otherwise, you want to both work to make each other happy -- both in and out of bondage.

Akasha



thetammyjo -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/25/2007 6:36:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tslaveboy
She's actually a pro-domme and does have a wide network of friends in this industry. She may be correct on the point of all dommes wanting things this way. I really don't know one way or the other.
I know she isn't correct as far as I am concerned, because I am a female dominant, although not a pro (because with me it really might be prostitution, and I'm not ready to go there lol), I don't do things the way you say she says/does.

Good luck, M


Exactly.

Are you reading these responses, Tslaveboy, at all?

You can clearly see that she is not correct because multiple others on here have said that this is not the way things are for us.

Now you have you decide is she just arrogant to think her way is everyone's way or is she trying to manipulate you?

I know which one I'd side with from what you've told me.



BBBTBW -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/25/2007 6:47:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

I know she isn't correct as far as I am concerned, because I am a female dominant, although not a pro (because with me it really might be prostitution, and I'm not ready to go there lol),

GOTTA LUV the honesty.  I almost went into cardiac arrest laughing at that.

I don't do things the way you say she says/does.

Although I am not a PRO, I don't do things the way she does them either....NO two people do the same things.  Everyone walks to their own drum beat.  Why would you want a DOMINANT that is a COOKIE CUTTER?  They are like run of the mill subs...a dime a dozen.





sensualmagirl -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/25/2007 10:14:56 AM)

Hi... I've never posted here before, just come and read about other peoples opinions and ideas for my own information and discuss new ideas and thoughts with my Master (thank you all for some very interesting topics to think about!)

With that said, I respectfully would like to inquire as to what a "Roman" shower is? Do I even want to know?  Thank You.



MiladyElaine -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/25/2007 10:18:17 AM)

Whatever you decide to do, good luck to you and for heaven's sake if there IS a next time, make sure you know more about each other before you begin a relationship of any kind!  That was all basic, important stuff that should have been asked about beforehand.



Tslaveboy -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/25/2007 10:36:05 AM)

Roman shower is vomit. Some folks really get off on it. To others, it is probably one of the most disgusting kinks.



sensualmagirl -> RE: Tired of the BDSM rules (1/25/2007 10:46:22 AM)

oh... ok... thank you for the information. I'm not judging, just wouldn't be something I enjoy. Actually, I was kind of hoping a roman shower was something nice... like a roman hot tub, spa or something clean... good luck to you and your decision!



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