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undergroundsea -> RE: Help? (1/24/2007 10:32:28 PM)
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I think your expectations are reasonable.
I relate to how you feel about mutual compromise. It may help to simply communicate to her that a willingness to consider your interests or respecting your limits is not something that is intended to challenge her dominance, but something that would mean to you that your interests and limits matter to her, which you value in a companionship.
I think your willingness to try what you consider limits is a good attitude. I think you should be able to expect that these limits will be respected if you try them and find them to remain limits. An option in that event is for her to satisfy those interests outside the relationship as she has suggested for you. It is not clear to me how much the reluctance about play outside of a relationship is due to a conflict with your image of a relationship, and how much of it stems from lack of opportunity. If your idea of a relationship is the critical reason, you might see if there is room to adjust that model if you two are to remain together; for it is either that, or the two of you not enjoy interests that fall in the other's respective limits.
I don't think the idea to have a night where she can do everything she wants past your limits is a good one. I think if you are to explore something that is a limit, the odds of wanting to repeat the experience are greater if it is done with smaller steps. That is, I think a first venture into anal play via a finger insertion only followed by gradual steps carries more promise than when she pulls out Mr Huge for that one night.
quote:
So the problem here is, she's sacrifcing her subs and her religious beliefs (though the religious part isn't because of me), and she's compromising one one of my fetishes. She thinks that constitutes the right to anally rape me and submit to the things that scare me..
This bit does not sound good to me. From what I gather, she chose to stop seeing her subs independently, which I can easily imagine if she found someone with whom she saw a greater potential for overall connection. And I am not convinced that she has made any religious compromise for you. To say all that and to say that letting you wear fetish clothing means she should be allowed to rape your anus does not convince me. It seems like an attempt at manipulation and to compel you with guilt.
quote:
ORIGINAL: ErictheRed12662
And really, it's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just worried that I'll disappoint her. She already went to see one of her old subs once, and that to me means I really upset her.
Or it could mean that she knew if you found out that she went to see one of her old subs after an argument, it would make you more malleable, which I would see as an attempt at emotional manipulation and as a flag.
If she is being manipulative in this manner, you might think about what this trait means to you.
I don't think you can disappoint her more than you would by not indulging her. So I wonder if instead of a fear of disappointment, it is a fear of the acts and that incompatibility that is a possibility might become confirmed, which might have adverse effect on your relationship. If that is the fear, you cannot evade it forever.
I think fear of loss of someone you have come to appreciate is understandable. I don't think fear of not having another opportunity is as relevant for you. If you have attracted her, you will likely attract others. And you are well ahead of many other male subs on this board. At 21, my only contact with BDSM was to go to adult stores to find fetish magazines and publications at early hours in the morning so that there would be as few people there to see me as possible ;-)
To wrap things up, I agree that compatibility seems to be a challenge. However, I am less concerned about the compatibility of interests. I think interests are relatively dynamic. You seem to be willing to explore, and I sense there is room for you to loosen up. I am more concerned about possible questions about character and attitude towards you (possible attempts at manipulation, possible disregard for your limits) for these two are less dynamic.
Cheers,
Sea
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