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RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 5:43:50 PM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
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I have to agree with much the general tone and the last few responses especially: You two sound poorly matched in all but vanilla ways.

Some amount of compromise is necessary in relationships of any type and level, but an interaction that involves such great a gap in desires and comfort zones that it will leave one or both unhappy is not the same thing. That is what you describe it seems.

Consider dating vanilla or being just friends. Leave the BDSM match to being with someone you actually match.

(in reply to DivaDuchess)

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RE: Help? - 1/24/2007 10:32:28 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
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I think your expectations are reasonable.

I relate to how you feel about mutual compromise. It may help to simply communicate to her that a willingness to consider your interests or respecting your limits is not something that is intended to challenge her dominance, but something that would mean to you that your interests and limits matter to her, which you value in a companionship.

I think your willingness to try what you consider limits is a good attitude. I think you should be able to expect that these limits will be respected if you try them and find them to remain limits. An option in that event is for her to satisfy those interests outside the relationship as she has suggested for you. It is not clear to me how much the reluctance about play outside of a relationship is due to a conflict with your image of a relationship, and how much of it stems from lack of opportunity. If your idea of a relationship is the critical reason, you might see if there is room to adjust that model if you two are to remain together; for it is either that, or the two of you not enjoy interests that fall in the other's respective limits.

I don't think the idea to have a night where she can do everything she wants past your limits is a good one. I think if you are to explore something that is a limit, the odds of wanting to repeat the experience are greater if it is done with smaller steps. That is, I think a first venture into anal play via a finger insertion only followed by gradual steps carries more promise than when she pulls out Mr Huge for that one night.

quote:

So the problem here is, she's sacrifcing her subs and her religious beliefs (though the religious part isn't because of me), and she's compromising one one of my fetishes. She thinks that constitutes the right to anally rape me and submit to the things that scare me..

This bit does not sound good to me. From what I gather, she chose to stop seeing her subs independently, which I can easily imagine if she found someone with whom she saw a greater potential for overall connection. And I am not convinced that she has made any religious compromise for you. To say all that and to say that letting you wear fetish clothing means she should be allowed to rape your anus does not convince me. It seems like an attempt at manipulation and to compel you with guilt.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ErictheRed12662
And really, it's not that I don't trust her, I do. I'm just worried that I'll disappoint her. She already went to see one of her old subs once, and that to me means I really upset her.

Or it could mean that she knew if you found out that she went to see one of her old subs after an argument, it would make you more malleable, which I would see as an attempt at emotional manipulation and as a flag.

If she is being manipulative in this manner, you might think about what this trait means to you.

I don't think you can disappoint her more than you would by not indulging her. So I wonder if instead of a fear of disappointment, it is a fear of the acts and that incompatibility that is a possibility might become confirmed, which might have adverse effect on your relationship. If that is the fear, you cannot evade it forever.

I think fear of loss of someone you have come to appreciate is understandable. I don't think fear of not having another opportunity is as relevant for you. If you have attracted her, you will likely attract others. And you are well ahead of many other male subs on this board. At 21, my only contact with BDSM was to go to adult stores to find fetish magazines and publications at early hours in the morning so that there would be as few people there to see me as possible ;-)

To wrap things up, I agree that compatibility seems to be a challenge. However, I am less concerned about the compatibility of interests. I think interests are relatively dynamic. You seem to be willing to explore, and I sense there is room for you to loosen up. I am more concerned about possible questions about character and attitude towards you (possible attempts at manipulation, possible disregard for your limits) for these two are less dynamic.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 1/24/2007 11:27:56 PM >

(in reply to ErictheRed12662)

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RE: Help? - 1/25/2007 5:17:56 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
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OP:

Personally, I think that she is trying to manipulate you. She has given up all her subs to take you on, yet she is poly? This doesnt make much sense to me and I think she is using it as a ploy to seduce you into her way of thinking. She feels she has the right to rape you, meaning against your will? This raises a red flag and isn't consentual. She expects you to do all or most of the compromising? Sounds like she's more selfish than she has the desire to meet your needs. Oh I could go on and on but hopefully I've made my point.

Look, you are new so take this time to educate yourself because when it comes right down to it, it's you who has the responsiblity of taking care of yourself and looking out for whats good and/or detrimental to you. Learn to recognise manipulators who surely have their best interests at heart and dont mind sacrificing yours if you let them. Be patient in your search; it will pay off in the end.

Try to get some more real time experience so that you can set limits in what you will and will not do for the time being. I say this because boundaries shift as one gains more experience but do you really want to be forced/manipulated into something youre really not comfy/ready for? Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day. Be patient with yourself and try not to rush head first into waters youre not yet familair with. It's a process, not a foot race.

Best of luck to you and I hope Ive given you things to consider. Some may disagree but that's just how I see things. But in the end, the ultimate choice is one only you can make.

LBO

(in reply to undergroundsea)

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