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How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 12:02:24 AM

GoddessDustyGold

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From: Arizona
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"chemistry"
I have been thinking about this for a few days and was trying to formulate how to begin this discussion. Lo and behold! As I was reading the boards, I read the lovely words of newflowers, and with her blessing, I quote:

quote:

I question the idea of chemistry. I believe that if two people of like mind and desire meet, there is always a possibility that through communication and shared interests, more may come. The idea that you must have chemistry - to me that's like lust at first sight and while it might produce a scene and a good lay, that is not a relationship nor do I think it is likely to make one. I prefer someone who can first engage my mind, who is interesting, who is nice, who is funny, someone I'd like to share the Sunday paper with over tea. Perhaps I just think of chemistry as being a more overtly physical attraction and others do not. Certainly, I have met someone who makes my skin tingle and my mouth drool, but that is a momentary and physical attraction. I have also met someone who I did not initially find physically attractive (not my type) but turned out to be one of the most incredible relationships I've ever had. Had I not given that opportunity a chance, I would have missed one of the most joyful experiences.

I don't believe I could have put it better Myself. I do agree that chemistry is wonderful, and even necessary, in a long term relationship. But most of what I get, and this word is so overused, seems to be all about the instant attraction. How does one know if they really want to "serve" Me? It takes much more than the picture.
I think I am worn out with all the email talking about chemistry, and the sub-text is "what are you going to do to Me, cuz I really want you to use Me in the kinkiet ways possible". To be perfectly honest, sometimes, it isn't even sub-text...it's out and out black and white text. Frankly, I am tired of this buzz word.
I am sure W/we will see a lot of different answers here, as people are wired differently. So what do you mean when you use the word "chemistry"?

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 3/3/2005 12:06:15 AM >

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 12:44:49 AM

BeachMystress

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From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
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When I use the word chemistry at a first meeting, it means that feeling that you'd like to get to know the person better. You've found them to be interesting to some level, and you feel like there might be something that can develop, be it friendship or more.

In a beginning relationship, I use the word chemistry to mean that this person shares my interests, has enough of his/her own to be interesting and is able to keep my attention. There is that je ne se quoi.. that indescribable something that could develop into a romantic relationship.

After the relationship is established, to me, chemistry means that you mesh with this person. You seek out their company when you're apart and you think about them when you're separate.

Once the relationship turns romantic, chemistry to me means the first stirrings of what may turn into love and a life paring. It is hard to describe. The closest I can come is the feeling that this person fits in your life and makes you feel alive.

I never turned someone away for lack of chemistry at a first meeting (for other reasons yes, but not lack of chemistry.) If I liked the person ok, but just that spark was missing, I'd arrange for a second "date." I often found that if I had to arrange that 2nd date, it just really wasn't there. I'm fairly intuitive, so pretty much my original impression is right. I do understand how nervous someone can be at a first meeting though, so I believe in a second chance

< Message edited by BeachMystress -- 3/3/2005 12:46:00 AM >

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 2:33:29 AM

domtimothy46176

Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
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For myself, chemistry in the context of wiitwd is a feel for the submissive and whether or not we resonate on the same frequencies. We can share beliefs and values but it's still possible that face-to-face there just isn't a connection on the most fundamental level of personal interaction. I don't think of it as attraction so much as I think it's the ability to feel her submissive vibe. When discussing this with submissives, they've described much the same thing, a vibe one either gets or doesn't get from a potential partner.
Timothy

< Message edited by domtimothy46176 -- 3/3/2005 2:36:23 AM >

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 5:22:09 AM

Oumae

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I have lots of friends that I get on great with... chemistry, for me is that extra element needed to want to change a relationship from platonic to more.

Oumae

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 5:29:37 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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Once I feel a connection with someone, I tend to get involved with them pretty quickly, but it's not necessary that I feel immediate connection. In fact, some of the people I'm involved with my first impression was less than stellar.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 5:46:28 AM

happypervert

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I think the definition you quoted equates chemistry with immediate animal attractions and lust; I don't agree with that definition.

I think of chemistry as having compatible temperaments; that's what makes me comfortable with someone. It may not sound like much but for me it is quite rare to feel that kind of chemistry immediately, though there have been times when initial contacts were promising enough that it has developed over time. For me it starts with a gal having an upbeat disposition; next would be having enough of a warped sense of humor to laugh instead of recoil from some things I say, then the rest would be having stuff I find interesting going on between her ears.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 7:50:32 AM

FangsNfeet

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Love at first site hasn't been very popular with me. Most of my past relationships where with friends at first and then after not seeing them after a year or two I'd bump into one and WOW! We would be both single, ready to date, and feel an attracted towards each other. Before then, we might have seen nice physical features about each other but for one reason or another the whole let's get together thing wasn't there.

The ones I try to hit off with on First Sight ended up being one night stands or didn't last but just a month or two.

However, pet I met here on Collarme. We chatted with each other for about a month before meeting. The chemistry was already building up. When we first meet I was ready to Ravish her right there on the hood of the car in the parking lot. The good thing is that everytime I see her she looks more desirable to me and the chemistry continues to get more hot and steamy.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 11:42:31 AM

MadameDahlia

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Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
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I’ve been getting to know someone through instant messages, emails and over the phone. We’ve shared fantasies back and forth. We’ve talked about family, pets, friends and past romances. With each conversation we share we find ourselves more and more eager to meet. He’s in school at the moment so the earliest he’d be able to head out to California (he’s elsewhere) is sometime in August. We’ve both found this terribly frustrating.

We grow closer, more familiar with each other. We become more anticipatory of his visit with each conversation we share. But amidst all the blossoming feelings we keep ourselves grounded in reality. He won’t be able to come until August. We may find that our virtual chemistry outshines our physical chemistry. Though we feel close to one another, though we are becoming good friends there is still that possibility of meeting someone else.

I’ve already shut myself off from some social activity. I tell those who express interest in me that I’m busy with school, work and building a corporation on top of trying to build a long distance relationship and that if I added another into the mix it would be as though I’d happily tied myself to wild horses in the middle of a thunderstorm.

While I consider myself poly in nature I am monogamous while trying to build a new relationship with anyone. I see no reason to stretch myself thinly. It is a disservice to the one I’m trying to get to know. And in my none too humble opinion its also courting disaster. With all that could go wrong in trying to build a new relationship I see no reason to beg for other problems along the way. They’ll find me sure enough.

I use the word chemistry to describe the delicious bubbling of feeling. I use the term chemistry to describe the quick blissful jolt I experience when he signs in and his name shows up as “online” on my list of Yahoo contacts. I use the word to describe the sexually charged dreams I’ve been having wherein he plays a starring role.

Some people call it puppy love. Some people call it a crush. And I’m sure there are numerous other terms that could apply. But one thing I know for sure is that when he murmurs “Yes Ma’am” another part of me melts and slowly coagulates on the floor at my feet. And that sort of reaction sounds chemical to me!

(Side note: If you're reading this... *kiss* Talk to you later, dearest.)

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 4:09:14 PM

ScooterTrash

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From: Indiana
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How important is it, well it depends on what your goal is I would think. My own definition of chemistry, I don't know that I an put into words. To me, it's that "feeling" you get, whether you are in the midst of a great sex scene, just kicked back watching a movie together or when you are simply missing that special someone(s) and can't wait to get to where they are. To me, it's very important to have that special bond, that one that gives you those mysterious goosebumps when they are near. Would I use this criteria to decide if a sub was right for me...yes, certainly, but I wouldn't expect it to be instant...that would be too scarey.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 4:21:29 PM

shay

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Joined: 11/15/2004
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Chemistry is very important to me and more and more I learn that just because chemistry is great online or via chat rooms, its not always there when you come face to face with a person.

OR Chemistry can be strong on my side and not be there at all with the one I am attracted to and it can and often does affect the relationship.

When looking for a one on one relationship chemistry HAS to be there for me. Maybe not instant, maybe not initial, but its GOT to be there.

Just my opinion.
Shay

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)

Post #: 10

RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 7:03:10 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold
I do agree that chemistry is wonderful, and even necessary, in a long term relationship. But most of what I get, and this word is so overused, seems to be all about the instant attraction. How does one know if they really want to "serve" Me?

I will agree it is overused, but maybe it's because people aren't quite certain that it means different things to different people.

While I have had the type of chemistry of an instant desire to jump his bones before lol, when I say I hope we have "chemistry", I mean he can speak well enough for us to exchange ideas, isn't combative, isn't my complete opposite philosophically/politically speaking, isn't obsessed with how wonderful/rich/poor he is, isn't massively phallocentric, doesn't annoy me generally speaking, and hopefully gives me the impression he is honest/kind/generous; if all of that is present, I will want to know more and see if I'd like to get to know him intimately.
Hope that made sense. M

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/3/2005 7:57:07 PM

Elektra

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From: far away from home
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for me it is No.1

My feeling has never been wrong.I just had to learn to listen ot it.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/4/2005 8:06:08 AM

aliljaded1

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/20/2004
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quote:

I question the idea of chemistry. I believe that if two people of like mind and desire meet, there is always a possibility that through communication and shared interests, more may come. The idea that you must have chemistry - to me that's like lust at first sight and while it might produce a scene and a good lay, that is not a relationship nor do I think it is likely to make one. I prefer someone who can first engage my mind, who is interesting, who is nice, who is funny, someone I'd like to share the Sunday paper with over tea. Perhaps I just think of chemistry as being a more overtly physical attraction and others do not. Certainly, I have met someone who makes my skin tingle and my mouth drool, but that is a momentary and physical attraction. I have also met someone who I did not initially find physically attractive (not my type) but turned out to be one of the most incredible relationships I've ever had. Had I not given that opportunity a chance, I would have missed one of the most joyful experiences.

quote:

quote:

i was in a similar situation. i became friends w/ my last Dom over 13 yrs ago . we hung out and had drinks , played pool, went to amazing galleries here in NYC. He is covered in tats . i never thought i could date someOne like that . ive always gone for a clean cut type. but one night after coming home from an opening in SoHo he leaned in put one hand on the sm. of my back and the other behind my neck and kissed me like ive never been kissed before . that was it for me . i fell in love w/ Him for many reasons but there was no chemistry til that kiss.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/4/2005 12:53:46 PM

Darthbetta

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CHEMESTRY: Combinde all the elements in the forumula of a "relationship" and the end result will be either a breakthrough ( like pepsi cola) or disasterous like NitrosulferousOxide ( it go boom !)

Sometimes you just hope that you have the right formula and the "INGREDIENT X" is romance.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/4/2005 3:33:15 PM

ScooterTrash

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From: Indiana
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I love that analogy Darthbetta, hadn't considered the alternative chemical reaction. I think I have witnessed that "boom" on occasion..lol.

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-Albert Einstein

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/28/2005 7:58:05 AM

AzMajician

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Hmmm.. something to make one think....

I hear this too many times.. So many think that "instant" Chemistry is physical attraction. Yes, there might be that first look that makes one think of lust, or "jumping" bones... But as other here have stated.. it is SO MUCH more.

I once met a woman.. thru a "single's" dating thing at a university I went to. We met for coffee, and chatted for almost an hour.. after we parted.. I thouhgt.. I just wasn't interested in "dating" her. (I found out later that she had the almost exact feeling).

About two weeks later, I was asked to perform at a "Dance/Social event" for this campus club. I was on stage, and saw her come in, and sit fairly close to the front of the stage. I nodded to her as a way of acknowledgement, and continued with my preformance. After my show, as I was packing up my equipment, she stopped nearby to mention how she enjoyed it. We talked for about 15 minutes, and I mentioned that I was going to leave.. I Had to walk about 1/2 block to my apartment to put my equipment away. She offered to drive me, and at first I refused (I was thinking about my thoughts after our first meeting), She offered to drive me again, and what the heck.. I said yes, and we went to her car.

We drove the 1/2 block, I took my stuff to the apartment and then we sat in her car for the next 7 hours just talking. We watched the sky get lighter before the sun came up. As I realized that we were both getting a bit tired, I asked her if she had plans for that day (after she got some sleep), she siad that I should call her when I got up. We said our bye's, and she left.

After a shower and about 4 hours of sleep, I called her. From that afternoon and for the next year and a half, we were practically inseperable. We even had plans to live together and get married.

Chemistry??? It isn't just looks, it isn't just clothes.. it is so very much more. This all happened many more years ago than I like to count. But with all that said.. I still remember her, I think of her eyes, her smile, and once in awhile, I smile at what we had.. and think of her hoping that all of her problems and issues are dealt with and that she is happy.. regardless of what happened to us.

I think too many place to much on looks and "beauty". Ms. DustyGold... you are a very attractive woman, and I am glad that you posted this..

Majic.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/28/2005 9:27:53 AM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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i'll be honest, i havent erad the other replies up top. Though i did see chemistry "online" i'm not sure how that works as i've never "felt" it via my moniter

i have felt it face to face, person to person. Its just that vibe that runs between two people. You look at one guy and you "feel" nothing. You look at another and you "feel" excitment. Its almost like an attraction to another. What ever creates the attraction, be it humour, intelligent conversation, looks, a smile, ect. Its a two way street, not a one sided attraction.

Of course maybe my definition is abit haywire.

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/28/2005 9:21:00 PM

GentleLady

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quote:

So what do you mean when you use the word "chemistry"?

Like all really good questions, this one makes Me stop and think.

When I say that there is 'chemistry' between Myself and another person, I usually mean that I can feel a heightened awareness inside Myself as if something has come to attention. It usually appears when I sense that the other person thinks the same way I do and shares similar morals and ethics. It has nothing to do with physical attractions or reactions. If that chemistry is there then I feel a growing physical attraction to the person as time passes but the 'chemistry' does not START with a physical attraction. There are times when I feel that 'chemistry' with a person and, as I get to know them better and find that the similarities are not really there, it fades. There are other people where the feeling just gets stronger. It feels like I am operating on 'high' when I am dealing with them.

The funny thing is that I choose to have a life partner who does not create this kind of chemistry within Me. The reason is because I find it extremely draining emotionally and physically. This could be a factor of age though. I want/need/require a home where I can relax and be at peace. So the one I choose to live with shares My basic values and life interests and is someone I enjoy waking up to and someone I dearly love but not someone who has Me operating at peak mental performance all the time. I much prefer the deep quiet bond to the raging torrent of constant mental stimulation that I call 'chemistry'.

'Chemistry' and meeting someone who turns Me on sexually are two different things.

If I change the question a bit and ask Myself what attracts Me to some people and turns Me off others then My answer becomes different. There needs to be a feeling of basic compatibility in temperments and attitudes for Me to see the person more then once. Over time that can develop into more then just a platonic friendship if there is a meeting of the minds and we get along. To take the relationship from friendship to sexual there are a lot of things that have to happen and all of them take time. I am not easy to get to know and there must be a significant amount of trust before I will allow someone to get close to Me.

*chuckles*....Now that I have read the other posts I will add that what most of the posts describe is what attracts Me to one person but not another. However I do not define that as 'chemistry' for Myself.

Gentle Lady

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 3/29/2005 5:17:20 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert

I think the definition you quoted equates chemistry with immediate animal attractions and lust; I don't agree with that definition.

I think of chemistry as having compatible temperaments; that's what makes me comfortable with someone. It may not sound like much but for me it is quite rare to feel that kind of chemistry immediately, though there have been times when initial contacts were promising enough that it has developed over time.

I agree with HP. A wise woman once said to me that it takes about 6 months into a relationship before the masks fall off. In my experience, that sounds about right. It takes a while to get to really know someone and see if you have that kind of chemistry that can last.

I find when I have too much immediate "chemistry" it fizzles pretty quickly, though not always. I remember my first meeting with my boy. I saw him through the window walking up to our meeting place and I got butterflies in my stomach (something that doesn't happen to me very often). He walked in and flashed me a smile and I was hooked. Six months later, that smile still hooks me. But we have been through so much and now I can truely say that we are about 75% compatible. We know which areas we are not compatible in and we work at and around issues. What we have now is what I consider to be true chemistry.

- LA

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RE: How important is that "instant chemistry?" - 4/3/2005 6:17:15 AM

LdyAuburn

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Met my one, disastrous though he went back and told friends it was brilliant and I was stunning.
I thought it about it, he visited me two weeks later, and this time I thought he was brilliant. Still together four years later

regards W

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Post #: 20

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