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Vanilla's - 3/4/2005 5:01:51 AM

truelyinsatiable

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I was wondering if anyone had ideas for making a vanilla turn to s/m? We have been in a relationship, for well over 8 years. He knows my desires/needs and tends to them, I just can't get him to cross the fine line, which holds him back?

Anyone ever experience this?Feedback?Advice?Hatemail for even attempting this??

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/4/2005 5:31:08 AM

LadyShoshin

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From: Burlington, Ontario
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quote:

ORIGINAL: truelyinsatiable

I was wondering if anyone had ideas for making a vanilla turn to s/m? We have been in a relationship, for well over 8 years. He knows my desires/needs and tends to them, I just can't get him to cross the fine line, which holds him back?

Anyone ever experience this?Feedback?Advice?Hatemail for even attempting this??

Not hate mail, but a reminder about consensuality, if he doesn't want s/m, then it isn't consensual to "make" him cross the line.

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/4/2005 6:05:08 AM

EmeraldSlave2

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My suggestion is usually to watch Exit to Eden together. Like it or hate it, it's a funny movie that allows the topic of bdsm to come up in conversation in a casual and non-threatening way, and allows people to explore.

I know we like the dark dirty raunchy nasty forceful parts of this, but make it FUN, make it JOYFUL. Believe it or not, some people really DONT want to get into it, some people really DONT get off on the forcing game. My fiance was a fabulous man in every way but he would not get involved and didn't want to take control in the way I need in a primary relationship.

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/4/2005 7:21:43 AM

MidnightWriter

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Depending on what your needs are, and what line you're trying to get them to cross, this may be of some use.

When I was first starting, I had to overcome myself. I'd spent years in vanilla society, supporting feminism, extolling the virtues of egalitarian relationships. I did my adolescence in the early 70s, and anyone who did not toe that line was an MCP. What I wanted deep in my heart was unacceptable, and I accepted that. After all, it wasn't acceptable for me to wring my first wife's neck, or force myself upon the woman next door, no matter how much fun it would have been - desires that were not to ever be fulfilled was simply going to be part of life, and were probably part of life for everyone.

After 2 divorces and 3 LTRs in 15 years, I found a lover who wanted d/s, and knew it, and was willing to risk her relationship with this vanilla guy by asking for it. My mind was boggled - nobody did this stuff outside of fantasy, and it didn't at all fit my worldview of How Things Should Be. It was comparable to the cute waitress mentioning that she'd be in the parking lot, alone, in about 30 minutes, if I was feeling like a violent rape.

My path from that conversation through kinky sex, to being publicly open about kinky sex, to living in 24/7 d/s took about 5 years and a new relationship.

Overcoming that social programming is a hurdle to many new dominants - it's not easy. It may be much easier now, with all of the material on consensual d/s that's available - but it's still not easy.

If this is his block, encourage him to read some of the excellent books that are available, and get him to to participate in forums such as collarme - all of the help you can get while learning to be okay with being a Bad Guy is barely enough.

On the other hand, if he simply doesn't want to, he simply doesn't want to - and you two will have to discuss other options regarding getting your desires met. One can be a service top, spanking the wife for her pleasure - I don't know that it's possible to be a service dominant.

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/5/2005 8:01:04 PM

Kinkypupper

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Not going to happen either they ARE or the are NOT...
Even if they Try to be to please you it will not work...

phil

i know been married 4 times to vanilla girls

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/5/2005 9:59:34 PM

BeachMystress

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I understand your desire to share this with your partner, but some people are just not into it. They are not wired for it. I had the same problem. I spent 8 years with a man who is painfully vanilla. His idea of kink is two women.. *sigh* He is a good person and has his right to his own sexuality, as does your partner. I tried several times to bring my partner over and he rebuffed each try. I finally realized it was his choice and he didn't NEED to do what I wanted. I dealt with the relationship on mutual terms (vanilla) until it met its ultimate demise.

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/6/2005 3:47:54 AM

ShiftedJewel

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quote:

Not going to happen either they ARE or the are NOT...
Even if they Try to be to please you it will not work...

I'm sorry, but you seem to be awfully "black and white". I've noticed on a few of your posts that you don't seem to acknowledge the existence of gray area's at all, it either is or it isn't, period, end of discussion..... sounds a little closed minded to me. Of course this is coming from someone that hooked up with a man that was nilla enough that he didn't have a clue what "nilla" was and now he is The wonderful Dominant and husband that share this poly household with me.

quote:

My suggestion is usually to watch Exit to Eden together. Like it or hate it, it's a funny movie that allows the topic of bdsm to come up in conversation in a casual and non-threatening way, and allows people to explore.

I think that's a great idea, not only because it's "non-threatening" but because it's light hearted and shows that this lifestyle, as serious as it can be at times, we can also laugh at ourselves and have a lot of fun. I think that's what scares so many people off, the fear that even if they are kinky they may not be "kinky enough". I think that if you can help him to understand that it isn't all about the sex, and that moving slowly is a good thing... I think you have a chance. It seems like he is interested even if just a little, the only thing stopping him is a mental block that society hard wired into him. Sorry I can't help with that, I missed the day they did that... But am sure Scooter can help, he overcame that mental block beautifully.

Best of luck truelyinsatiable!!

Jewel

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/6/2005 6:00:04 PM

ScooterTrash

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Looks like I was volunteered to post to this..lol. To those who say no..I know better. Yes, it is quite possible to convert someone, not perhaps if they don't have it in them in the first place, but I find that hard to believe. I went through this transition several years ago. I don't know that my mind was completely vanilla, but my existence certainly was. I believe if you offer the possibilty of play, even at a mild level, the mind will do the rest. For many of us who have been on the planet for a while and have lived in failed vanilla relationships, we knew in the back of our mind that something wasn't clicking. What?..well that's not always obvious, at least when you are nilla. Part of the reason is as SJ said, if you aren't in the lifestyle, you may have never heard of BDSM..perhaps the SM part, but that's the movies for you. But the concept of bondage and sex play is not that hidden to where you haven't heard of it, you just block it out as non-social actions. In reality, I have to think most of us even though "hardwired" to act and behave in a certain fashion, have that dark side, the fantasies, the taboo things we think about. Sure, we shake it off, but it's there. If you offer the chance to express those feelings and act out some of that animal (sorry guys and gals) instinct..you may be surprised how far the newly unleashed (hmm) will go with it. Personally..damned best thing that ever happened to me. Just be sure along with the icing to not forget the cake, some of the ideals; honesty, respect, trust and foremost; communication, are some of the best practices to happiness I think you will ever encounter.

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/6/2005 6:37:38 PM

truelyinsatiable

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The advice has been great, thank you A/all, we shall try and see. I am a optimistic, and I thank Scooter for his input, it helps. Bri

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/6/2005 9:11:02 PM

proudsub

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quote:

To those who say no..I know better. Yes, it is quite possible to convert someone, not perhaps if they don't have it in them in the first place, but I find that hard to believe. I went through this transition several years ago. I don't know that my mind was completely vanilla, but my existence certainly was. I believe if you offer the possibilty of play, even at a mild level, the mind will do the rest. For many of us who have been on the planet for a while and have lived in failed vanilla relationships, we knew in the back of our mind that something wasn't clicking. What?..well that's not always obvious, at least when you are nilla. Part of the reason is as SJ said, if you aren't in the lifestyle, you may have never heard of BDSM..perhaps the SM part, but that's the movies for you. But the concept of bondage and sex play is not that hidden to where you haven't heard of it, you just block it out as non-social actions. In reality, I have to think most of us even though "hardwired" to act and behave in a certain fashion, have that dark side, the fantasies, the taboo things we think about. Sure, we shake it off, but it's there. If you offer the chance to express those feelings and act out some of that animal (sorry guys and gals) instinct..you may be surprised how far the newly unleashed (hmm) will go with it. Personally..damned best thing that ever happened to me. Just be sure along with the icing to not forget the cake, some of the ideals; honesty, respect, trust and foremost; communication, are some of the best practices to happiness I think you will ever encounter.

I could of written that Scooter. My online dom brought out my dark side and a few years later when i finally told Hubby about it He was quickly converted too. So it can be done, even at our ages--i was 54 when i started this and Hubby was 60 when he was introduced to it.

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/7/2005 7:17:29 AM

michelle11

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Everybody starts vanilla. So just enjoy. I was vanilla until 3 years ago, converted by my Master. takes time and skill.

< Message edited by michelle11 -- 3/7/2005 7:18:20 AM >

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/8/2005 10:42:34 AM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

Not going to happen either they ARE or the are NOT...
Even if they Try to be to please you it will not work...

phil

i know been married 4 times to vanilla girls

I speak from the side of sub men trying to get vanilla women to be femdoms, and I can assure you it IS possible. The biggest hurdles are:

1. The subs want too much too soon
2. The vanillas are turned off by pornographic, stereotypical portrayals of S&M
3. The vanillas are worried that their sex life will turn into one S&M circus and vanilla sex will be gone
4. The vanillas are afraid the man wants the kink more than the woman, and if she does not perform it right he will look elsewhere.

Pressure to perform equals resentment and insecurity.
Resentment and insecurity lead to either fighting about it and saying "No, take your kinky weird ideas and go to hell" or failed play (she tries it, but hates it, but keeps trying anyway, and its a sore spot).

I have a no-pressure introduction to female domination on my web site at http://www.akashaweb.com/goodgirl.html and have received a ton of feedback from vanilla women who said it worked well for them and took a lot of the fear out of it. It also taught men that women don't get instantly kinky; they have to learn to enjoy power exchange and they are drawn to the sensual side of it, the emotional side of it, not the purely physical acts.

To say no one can be converted is absurb. You've been pushing too hard.

Akasha

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/26/2005 1:50:16 PM

Histeacup

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What the hell is Vanilla?...Mark

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RE: Vanilla's - 3/26/2005 5:28:38 PM

nella

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Vanilla is an nickname for non kinky pepole. Like whit icecream, you start whit canilla and if you want to have chocolate, or stawberry or somthing, you add the flavor.

If somone do not like BDSM, thy do not like BDSM. He might agree to tie you up and such, but then he would do that just for you, if he had no intrest in it. If he have an intrest in BDSM, then you might help him overcome fears that hold him back. But to make a pure vanilla into a BDSM person is like trying to make somone that are streight gay ornd vice versa.

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