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feylin -> RE: Online training- Hows it going for you? (1/27/2007 8:46:15 PM)
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Hi, openmindedslave:
I actually engaged in online training for about six or seven months and then another few months of me waffling because online was simply not enough anymore. He is a beautiful, patient, sadistic, skillful, honorable man and we are still good friends after four years. In a sense, he continues to be my mentor even though the label we use now is "friend." Always just a click away when I need advice, friendly chat, or a shoulder.
Our meeting in a chatroom began rather oddly but it turned into this wonderful conversation that lasted for hours, weeks, months. Lifestyle chat (I was brand new and he let me ask him anything) was mixed in with conversations about books, movies, art, music, family, friends, work, lives. It was not a surprise when the time came to delve deeper because I was completely enamored with his mind and wanted to submit to him ~ it seemed a natural moment.
We agreed that for either of us to gain anything at all from this relationship we both had to be completely honest. Because online does not allow for tone of voice or facial expression, this meant there had to be a lot more speaking/typing out emotions in greater detail. For me, that proved to be valuable. I would type something I had not even realized I was struggling with until my fingers just flew across the keyboard with it. He did help me to look at myself more honestly and showed me things about myself....including the fact that I am a lot stronger than I or family and friends had assumed. It was like he held a mirror up to me and said, "Take a good look." in so many different ways. Not all of it was pretty to look at, but it was something I needed to examine and every experience -- good or bad -- was an excellent lesson for me. (We also agreed to never meet. Actually, there were quite a few expectations hammered out before training began.)
He was extremely patient with me as I struggled with this newfound desire/need and the first few months he spent giving me easy, fun, sexy tasks to build my confidence. He encouraged me to explore and experiment physically, sexually, and emotionally. Eventually, the tasks became tougher emotionally and physically and he was present with encouragement, advice, and sometimes a bit of a verbal shake. His confidence in me never wavered. That was personally very empowering.
It is not the same as serving someone a cup of coffee, to be able to display your submission at their feet, but what a rush when I was able to complete something that I was darn sure I did not have the intelligence, imagination, strength, courage to finish. We spent the better part of two months working on my inability to beg ~ which I never realized I could not do. I simply could not get the words out, no matter how hard he made the task, and I became upset and frustrated with myself and he would finally switch to humor and make me laugh to draw me back out of that dark place and then tried again another day until success! How beautiful that first moment is when you feel complete trust with someone.
The way training would work is I would be given a task at the end of our chat and then have to email him the details of how/when/where I completed the task and what I was feeling/thinking at the time. He responded promptly to every email and would often email his thoughts if we chatted about something that he wanted to expound on. Our chats were also D/s oriented, but our conversations had not changed from the beginning ease only now there were more boundaries....or, actually, more freedom for me to be submissive without fear.
One of my favorite tasks was having to come home from work, kneel naked for 30 minutes and think about him and my submission to him. At first it was horrible. I felt like a petulant child as I struggled to be still for 30 minutes (without reading a book). I was never able to meditate before (mind always racing) and I felt silly at first. But, again, if this was going to work at all, I damn well had to give it my all, so I did it. Each day became easier and more wonderful until I realized I was feeling very refreshed at the end of the 30 minutes. It usually took me much longer to unwind from a job I hated at that time, and I began to look forward to the task and writing to him about my thoughts. It was a calming, reassuring ritual that made me feel connected to him. (Of course, it was also the first time I realized that I was getting old. My knees hurt like a bitch. Hardwood floors, didn't ask for a cushion, I got smarter. [:D])
We had a couple of grand arguments when I felt ready to end the online training and join some local groups. I love him for worrying about my safety when he is so far away and I have yet to meet any person who even comes close to the committment, patience, kindness, and intelligence that he showed me. And the humor! Oy, the man has a devious sense of humor. Okay, now I'm just going on about him, but finding the physical offline is easy its that emotional connection that is so much more elusive. What an absolute gift in my life, though. As my friend, I love him and as my trainer, I am grateful beyond words. He changed my life.
I do not discount the joy of being touched emotionally even though I cannot envision my life without physical touch. Physical expression is not something I am willing to give up despite the deep fulfillment that can be had when two people just touch minds. I am greedy and want both. [:)] That said, my online training was a safe, joyful experience.
Best wishes,
Christine
edited so there might be less jokes about my grammar ~ a woman can hope.
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