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facing your nature - 3/4/2005 9:52:46 AM   
hisanguissette


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/4/2005
Status: offline 		i am always curious about how other submissives realized who and what they were, at what age, what they think brought it on, and if they would change it if they could.

i knew i was submissive before i could name it. the word "masochist" was a bad fit because pain is not the point with me - although there's nothing i like better than a long discipline session. my sexual fantasies as a child revolved around my parents, who did this to me. i was 10 when i found out a boy could whip his girlfriend, and i devoted myself to finding one. happily collared now, finally!, i would not give up my submissive nature (although i would like to be way less insecure).

any thoughts, anyone?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: facing your nature - 3/4/2005 9:58:14 AM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I always knew in that I can remember the feelings/fantasies/desires and they really haven't changed in nature. I also knew I was poly and bisexual.

At 8 I realized being "out" about these things was wrong when I tried kissing both girls and boys at school and was viciously outcast for it.

At 18 I got online and realized lots of other people did this too and was quite thrilled. I'm one of the few people who did NOT feel like I was weird or wrong for what I wanted, I just wasn't aware I could actually HAVE what I wanted.

I'm hopeful that in time that more people growing up will have access and be able to develop into their true selves rather than feeling miscast, weird or wrong for who they are, and try to hide it.

Though I have to say I find it amusing that you say you are not a masochist with a name like "anguissette."

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: facing your nature - 3/4/2005 4:25:05 PM   
fencerpet19


Posts: 169
Joined: 2/7/2005
Status: offline 		I've had pretty kinky feelings my entire life as far back as I can remember... the stuff I did to myself when I was 8 or 9 (playing with ice, duct tape and rubbing alcohol) I now realize is stuff people do all the time. I used to think I'd grow up into this perverted outcast and never be truly fulfilled.

Boy what a surprise when a good-friend-soon-to-be-Master mentioned tying up his girlfriends and being into something called D/s in December. So while looking up stuff he mentioned on the internet I got the shock of my life! So many people were like me. Master is showing me a ton, and all those little fantasies I had as a child are finally coming true
~FP

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: facing your nature - 3/4/2005 6:16:55 PM   
tattoo1969


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/4/2005
Status: offline 		i am so happy to see that others were like me at such a young age! i always thought that i was different.

i'm actually relieved that there are submissives, like me, who were very sexually aware early and have not only had these feelings, but have allowed them to flourish.

Thank you for sharing.

(in reply to fencerpet19)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: facing your nature - 3/4/2005 6:49:44 PM   
thesacredboy


Posts: 17
Joined: 2/26/2005
From: [email protected]
Status: offline 		i think having an erotic nature has always been a part of me. ever since i was a kid i thought it was cool to see such things as bondage and dominance in say Looney Toons which always has some damsel in distress scene. but when ur a kid about it being anything more than TV.

i remember when my family first got the internet and i was 15 at the time and the very first thing i did was goto yahoo and type in transvestite and searched with plentiful results.

just shows ya that its the MEDIA!!! lol. jk. but it could be in a subliminal sort of way.

i think through the years i have expanded my erotic nature but in my eyes elaborating onesself on things that arouse them is just as important to their being as things that give them any other sort of enjoyment such as their careers, hobbies, toys. anything.

all i know is that one has to keep persuing their ideas to happy.

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: facing your nature - 3/4/2005 10:29:43 PM   
chainedgirl


Posts: 142
Joined: 2/5/2005
Status: offline 		i guess i'm a little different to most here. i wasn't 'aware' that my nature was different until i was much older. i was raised to be submissive by my mother; i am 3rd generation submissive, but the first to acknowledge it. i can remember growing up being told stories of how my mother as a child staying home after school to clean the house while her brother's went out to play. She did this because her mother was holding down 2 jobs to feed her family - as a cook and tailoress.

It was never active training, i simply noticed how my mother alwasy cooked and cleaned, how she took orders and unfortunately, how she took abuse and stayed. i grew up thinking that when you love someone, you show them by taking care of them. To not clean for the one i love, to not pick up after them, makes me feel they think i don't love them. There is even a joke in my family, if someone comes home to find me cleaning the sink (after doing dishes) they say "o oh, michelle's in love again".

As for the sexual side of myself, i came across a magazine in my mother's room when i was 10, it belonged to her husband. Inside was a 2-page spread. On the left a women with a mask and whip. On the right a woman tied to a rope web. i can remember staring at the woman on the right, feeling galvanised and not knowing why. i still remember the heading, "Come into my palour said the spider to the fly". As for my bisexuality, i was aware of that most of my life.

It all kind of meshed for me when i was 33 and came across castlerealm. i read the artical on what a submissive is and knew instantly that that explained 'everything' for me. It made perfect sense of why i automatically go into service mode when in love and why havign sex was not interesting, but being held down and 'made' to have it was.

As for coming to accept it. i spent a lot of time in denial. If i had spent a while away from the scene or from playing, i would find the first play session extremely hard to get into, i can become a real bitch when i haven't been subby for a while. The last time i went through denial, i was working in an isolated area and had a 5 day fling with a work mate. i instantly went into sex-slave mode when in bed. He loved it but i was unfulfilled. i decided then and there that i was a submissive and i had to accept that fact. 3 weeks later i met my Master and the One i believe is my soulmate. You could say i have fully accepted it now.

(in reply to thesacredboy)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: facing your nature - 3/6/2005 2:17:28 PM   
darlingjade


Posts: 54
Joined: 1/31/2005
Status: offline 		I can't think of a time in my life when I was NOT submissive. From my first relationship until now that's the role I naturally have always lived. I didn't always understand WHY I made the choices I did or acted the way I did until about ten years ago when I first came online, however, not having terms for it didn't change who I inherently am.

The difference knowledge gives me is the ability to make better choices and to distinguish between a controlling personality and a Dominant one.

Would I change who I am? Well, there are certainly easier roads to travel. However, I can't imagine changing such an integral part of who and what I am to make life easier. That, and I don't believe I've come anywhere near reaching my full potential. There's just too much left to experience, too much of me that's as yet untapped.

(in reply to chainedgirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: facing your nature - 3/6/2005 2:45:29 PM   
mantis65


Posts: 456
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline 		In my later teens I found out I was submissive toward Woman. I had always kinky fantasies about dungeons and Woman in chains and held as slaves.
It changed in my later teens I wanted to be the slave to a Woman.
At first I had thought it was sick or wrong then I began to accept and even enjoy this idea. My role in all my relationships with Woman as been a subservient one.

I only had one girlfriend not be able to handle me being submissive and we broke up. I am open about this to the Woman in my life so they all knew what type of person I was before getting involved.

I’m more comfortable now with who I am then I was years ago when I felt a lot of shame or I was “substandard” now its just who I am good or bad.

mantis

(in reply to darlingjade)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: facing your nature - 3/6/2005 3:36:49 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
I'm obviously not a sub, but Dominants too also have a path of self discovery. I first started showing sadistic tendencies at 5. I remember wanting to tie people up before that. I first had a man serve me do my chores, fetch and carry) at 16 and at 17 I crossdressed him. Neither of us had any exposure to BDSM since we lived in a small town setting and the Internet wasn't around for public use yet. We had no clue that what we were doing was out of the ordinary in the least. He was killed shortly after that event.

I spent the next 20 years being referred to as a strong woman and tying up, spanking and manipulating men. I never once equated what I did with those leather clad women on the covers of those "strange" magazines in porn shops. I knew I was a little kinky, but that I was part of the BDSM world never occurred to me. I had no clue what a Domme was even.

Three or so years ago, I was dating a man who turned out to be Dom. After we were together a while, he brought up using ropes in the bedroom. I was THRILLED. I'd never had a man bring up rope first.. then I realized.. he wanted to tie ME up. Um.. the game isn't played that way! LOL. We had a long talk and he told me that I was something called a Domme and pointed me in the direction to learn more about myself. So, while I've been dominant most of my life, I've practiced it knowingly for three years.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: facing your nature - 3/8/2005 12:29:33 AM   
ravenna


Posts: 121
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline 		i was always this way. i was the little girl who always wanted to play "The Princess and the Pirates" with my sisters and the bigger boys in the neighborhood (i think we'd seen some old pirate movie one summer and got carried away with it), as long as i got to be the beautiful princess who was captured by pirates, held for ransom, made the pirate captain's cabin slave, forced to walk the plank, traded to another pirate captain, sold in a slave market to a sultan for a harem girl, locked in a dungeon with the other slavegirls, rescued by the dashing hero -- God, i still want to play that! Anybody got a pirate ship in their backyard i can borrow? i was always the tomboy in a pretty dress who would try to keep up with the smart, funny, tough boys, the ones who knew the scariest games and could climb trees the best, hoping if i couldn't keep up they would just drag me along with them wherever they were going until i fell down in the woods and got my pretty dress dirty and then they would tease me and make me cry and maybe they would pull my skirt up and make me show them everything and then they would show me -- Wow, i had such a great childhood! But i didn't know what to call myself or even believed there was anyone else like me until i was fifteen and one of the older girls, the one who knew all about sex (she said), gave me a dirty old dogeared copy of Story of O and i read it and read it and read it and then i knew what i really was... But it was almost four years later before i found the boy who knew all about the book and could take one look at me and know all about me and what my story was, all except the parts that hadn't been written yet, and that was a whole new book that we wrote together --

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: kissing both boys and girls - 3/8/2005 8:19:17 AM   
sissymaidlola


Posts: 518
Joined: 3/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

At 8 I realized being "out" about these things was wrong when I tried kissing both girls and boys at school and was viciously outcast for it.

Hi EmeraldSlave2,

sissy Is not trying to be rude here ... but when he read the quoted line in your post it made him immediately think of that corrupted childhood rhyme:

Georgie Porgie Pudding Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
But when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too … he’s funny that way.

sissy Just thought he'd share that.

Curtsies,

sissy maid lola




_____________________________

If i don't seem submissive to You, it may be because i'm NOT submissive to You.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: facing your nature - 3/8/2005 12:08:36 PM   
songbird26


Posts: 72
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline 		I'm one of those later-in-life folks. Though I DID always like playing doctor as a small child. Hmm. Embarrassing memories, those, hope I never encounter those other children again as grownups. What does one say in that situation, anyway? "Hi, remember when I played nurse and poked your wee-wee and then we got in big trouble? Yeah, sorry about that."

Since I'm kind of, hmm...assertive? Type-A? Take-charge? Self-possessed? I had a whole string of boyfriends who tried (directly or indirectly) to turn me into the one in charge. Mostly this just pissed me off and made me impatient with them, which led to the quick demise of the relationships, but I still didn't figure it out. No, it took the advent of the Gay Porn (note caps) to really start to make things click in my head.

You know how so many men like lesbian porn? Well, lots of us girls like the gay porn, too, and I happen to be a really big fan. Most of it's astonishingly crappy, though, and I ran out of the good stuff right quick. So I started writing gay erotica. And then I started writing gay power-exchange erotica, because it was cool and interesting. And then I started writing straight-up kinky-ass Gay Porn, and realized I was strongly identifying with the submissive boy character instead of, as expected, with the dominant, and kaboom! The lightbulb went on, the bells rang, eureka was achieved. The rest is, as they say, history, and I couldn't be happier. Thank god for the kinky internet. Heh.

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: facing your nature - 3/8/2005 3:25:47 PM   
PaintedLady


Posts: 35
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Since I'm kind of, hmm...assertive? Type-A? Take-charge? Self-possessed? I had a whole string of boyfriends who tried (directly or indirectly) to turn me into the one in charge. Mostly this just pissed me off and made me impatient with them, which led to the quick demise of the relationships, but I still didn't figure it out. No, it took the advent of the Gay Porn (note caps) to really start to make things click in my head.


Dear Songbird-

God- I know JUST how that feels! except for the gay porn, sorry Gay Porn, it sounds just like my story. Then I met some guy who very seriously explained that he wanted me to be his submissive, and gave me a copy of "Screw the Roses (etc)". I was SO turned on by this I was about to loose my mind! Then he was trying to get me to be in charge while still insisting he was a Dom, in about a month That's when I did lose my mind. Gave the whole thing up, and would have given up men too, but I really like penises

Luckly, I met this guy, and his chaps weren't just 'a wonderbra for his butt' and I found that some people do BDSM for real. Know what I mean?

yours,
Kat

_____________________________

"beware the fury of a patient man"
-John Dryen

(in reply to songbird26)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: facing your nature - 3/8/2005 4:06:51 PM   
littlebuttercup


Posts: 36
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ravenna

i was always this way. i was the little girl who always wanted to play "The Princess and the Pirates" with my sisters and the bigger boys in the neighborhood (i think we'd seen some old pirate movie one summer and got carried away with it), as long as i got to be the beautiful princess who was captured by pirates, held for ransom, made the pirate captain's cabin slave, forced to walk the plank, traded to another pirate captain, sold in a slave market to a sultan for a harem girl, locked in a dungeon with the other slavegirls, rescued by the dashing hero -- God, i still want to play that! Anybody got a pirate ship in their backyard i can borrow? i was always the tomboy in a pretty dress who would try to keep up with the smart, funny, tough boys, the ones who knew the scariest games and could climb trees the best, hoping if i couldn't keep up they would just drag me along with them wherever they were going until i fell down in the woods and got my pretty dress dirty and then they would tease me and make me cry and maybe they would pull my skirt up and make me show them everything and then they would show me -- Wow, i had such a great childhood! But i didn't know what to call myself or even believed there was anyone else like me until i was fifteen and one of the older girls, the one who knew all about sex (she said), gave me a dirty old dogeared copy of Story of O and i read it and read it and read it and then i knew what i really was... But it was almost four years later before i found the boy who knew all about the book and could take one look at me and know all about me and what my story was, all except the parts that hadn't been written yet, and that was a whole new book that we wrote together --


wow. your story is very similar to my own. from a very early age (3 or 4) i had fantasies about being kidnapped. i always tried to coerce the children i was playing with into tying me up somehow. i would often attempt to bind myself and had my first orgasm that way. :D

as well i came across Story of O. i stole it from my friend's parents bookshelf when i was 12 or so and when i read it something clicked and i knew i wasn't as fucked up as i had thought.

_____________________________

sticking feathers in your butt does not make you a chicken.

(in reply to ravenna)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: facing your nature - 3/16/2005 3:11:53 PM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		I honestly didn't realize I was submissive until farely resently. But now that I look back.. I know I was always so. I got caught when I was about 5ish putting straight pins in my privates imagining that I was being punished by the wicked witch who had captured me. (I wasn't accually piercing myself but placing them in a way so they would stick me). Unfortunately I was molested by my father then I was about 7ish so I was messed up for a long while. My second boyfriend (And ten years later my husband and Master) Managed to fix a lot of troubles I had. Looking back we can now see that we made it as long as we did because for the first 2-3 years of our relationship he Had to be in chanrge. He had to make me do things I was terrified of. (He was wonderful and I still don't know how I was so lucky) Niether of us really reaslized that his control of me was what made us so content. For a few years when I would take charge of myself be we just a little less happy and we almost broke up at one point. Then suddenly accidentally we feel into BDSM. Hindsight is a funny thing. I never really noticed that all of my fantasies and erotica was submissive in nature.Never connected that all of the storied I found most exciting were of the girl being forced to submit. I wonder if I would have realized my submissiveness sooner if not for the molestation. I didn't even realize I was bi until I was 17. I knew I liked boys.. but you can only be straight or gay right? Finally I just desided to be me.
I wouldn't change my submission for the world. I've only submitted to a man but maybe onw day I'll find that witch. ;)

< Message edited by srahfox -- 3/16/2005 3:13:17 PM >

(in reply to littlebuttercup)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: facing your nature - 3/16/2005 4:04:06 PM   
danae


Posts: 46
Joined: 1/2/2004
Status: offline 		I'm embarassed to say I was totally clueless for almost half a century, up until I met my Master almost 5 years ago. I was a total control freak, always naturally in charge, everybody afraid to challenge me...yadda, yadda, yadda. Still am, actually, with everybody else. But I've definitely met my Alpha, and learned my place. lol

danae


< Message edited by danae -- 3/16/2005 4:05:00 PM >

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: facing your nature - 3/16/2005 4:46:52 PM   
subcheryl


Posts: 280
Joined: 11/2/2004
Status: offline 		danae, I am a late bloomer also, though can remember playing with my sisters at "spanking" when we were little, I think I was about 4 yrs old at the time. But with life and it circumstances, I didn't realize I was submissive/slave material till just a few short months ago. In most of my grownup years I have had to be the dominant one, and mostly due to poor choices of my own, and after the death of my husband and raising 4 teenage boys on my own, and numerous boyfriends began to wonder what I was really looking for. I somehow got to castlerealm and read an essay written there and ding on went the lightbulb and I knew what I was looking for. Then came the reading on everything I could find and ending up here in collarme, and yes have found my Master finally am happy, he has taken charge of my life I no longer have to carry the burdens of the world alone and be the strong one and I can not express how much of a releif that is to finally have a man know himself and know how to be a "man"

(in reply to danae)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: facing your nature - 3/16/2005 5:41:09 PM   
SubbieHubbie


Posts: 14
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		What a question... and in answer - two weeks ago, approximately 3 years ago and all my life. No, this has nothing to do with multiple personality disorder, lol, but rather the difficulty for a male to become aware of the very concept of male submission in a highly patriarchal society. Ok, more in-detail (bet you wish you hadn't asked now)...

All my life
------------

Recently I realized, looking back, that submissiveness is nothing new to me. OK, I was a lousy housekeeper as a kid, but when someone was sick, there I was. I made very few heroes in my childhood and teens - most of the powerful figures I knew of were men and they didn't "speak" to me. Those I did make included Boudicca (an Iceni queen who led an ultimately failed revolt against the Romans), Maid Marion (who I think I always suspected was a quiet dominant, a witch, women of power, wise woman, who was more of the organizing and focal point of the Merry Men than Robin Hood could ever have been), and Mary Reid and Anne Bonny (two women pirates who stood on deck fighting the british which Calico Jack and his boys were cowering below deck). Sexual fantasies fell into two primary areas - either revenge fantasies against a female abuser I had (which never sat easy with me), or fantasies of being with a dominant female (Boudicca for instance) which were very beautiful to me. My favorite Rock stars tended to be women (and lets face it, we idolize our rock stars). In my teens I experienced "a look" from one teenage gal who could almost make me fall to my knees and beg to kiss her feet with that "look". And I could add many, many more signs that - had the society even HINTED that men could be submissive - add up to a lifetime of being an unrealizing submissive male. Of course, the question was about when you realized, so lets move on.


About 3 Years ago (age 34)
--------------------------------

My wife and I put a bet on the soccer world cup final - whoever lost was the sexual toy of the other for the day. I was fortunate enough to lose the bet. I'd been blindfolded by her once before (at my choice), but this was the first time that a power exchange was vocalized like that. Nothing major happened: a little light bondage, a little play with nails, she made me do a couple of things with her, and a lot of basically vanilla stuff under the auspices of her having the decisions about what happened.

OH. HOLY. SHIT!

My toes were curling for days. I yielded power to her. I told her that I felt like I'd suddenly come alive. We explored a little of BDSM but, as a survivor herself, her reading of the more sadistic elements etc (as well as her misperception that it was up to her to think of things to do to me, rather than up to her to have done whatever the hell she wanted whether it was to me or to her), things fell apart really fast and really painfully. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that, for the safety of our marriage, I ended up having to play vanilla and spent the next three years wondering why I wanted to be submissive when it didn't fit in with the life I had. Let's move on 3 years.


About 2 weeks ago (age 37)
--------------------------------

Working through some information on self-esteem I discovered this concept coming up again and again and again - "self acceptance". I was also going through another time of "needing" submission, and thus the "why do you want to be submissive" question was burning in my mind. Suddenly, in the same way that the random droplets of water that make up a cloud form into a picture of a ship or dragon in your mind, I saw something I had never seen before. I don't "want" to be submissive any more than I "want" to be male or "want" to be British. There are problems and advantages from ALL of those categories, but more than that, they are simply WHO and WHAT I am. I'm male, I'm British and... oh my, I'm submissive. It wasn't a desire, it was simply something that "fit" more than any other aspect of my life, and the thing about myself I found most easy to love and accept. Well, after then, I decided to stealth-serve my wife (not tell her why I was so compliant). She wondered what was happening and asked. I explained what I'd realized... and... she accepted that about me. Now, how that will play out in the long run I don't know. But that's the story of how I can to understand what I was, and that it wasn't just a desire to be a certain way or experience a certain thing.

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: facing your nature - 3/16/2005 7:12:23 PM   
PlayfulRaquel


Posts: 16
Joined: 2/6/2005
Status: offline 		I never really knew what it was until I was older, but I can remember going to my parents friends house to play with their boys, and they would tie me and my sister up in the shed with bailing twine. I remember everytime I went back there I would tease them or annoy them on purpose just to get them to tie me back up. lol

_____________________________

She is the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

(in reply to hisanguissette)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: facing your nature - 3/16/2005 7:41:59 PM   
Shayna


Posts: 205
Joined: 1/16/2005
Status: offline 		I've had a kinky sex life and I've always been on the edge of acceptance in my lifestyle choices, but definitely didn't come into D/s, BDSM until a few years ago. In looking back tho I do recall at age 7 making my girlfriend stand in one place and not move as a punishment until she told me somthing which I now can't remember, but I guess I really wanted to know at the time :) I also remember in elementary school playing with a boy and having him take his pants off and sit still while I played with his penis. I had a lot of guilt over that for a number of years, thinking that I had molested him. Can 9 year olds practice SSC?







(in reply to PlayfulRaquel)
Profile   Post #: 20
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