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RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/29/2007 2:13:58 PM   
SirKenin


Posts: 2994
Joined: 10/31/2004
From: Barrie, ON Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

quote:

ORIGINAL: SirKenin

You know the greatest trick of all?  Sociopathy.  It has it's uses in the online world.  You simply do not care about people except a select few.  If you do not care about them, you do not care what kind of horseshit spews out of their mouthes.

Some people are naturals, some people have to develop it.  Me, I just do not care.  I have weathered so much crap in my life that I do not give a damn anymore.  It really is funny because it drives some people nuts.  They do not know how to deal with it because they erroneously assume that EVERYONE should care about the blather that spills out of their beaks.  Unless you are in my inner circle, do not count on me giving a shit unless I specifically ask you.

You should try it. 


That is one of the saddest things I've read. I'm sorry that you've reached the decision to not care & to shut off from life :(
I think that I will always over-care, over-worry about people, most of the time I am okay with it. Sometimes such as now it causes me a world of hurt but ohgosh I'd rather hurt badly sometimes than to shut down. I don't want to learn it or develop closing people off, I just want to learn how to deflect some hurt. It is like blocking people, chances are that I will never block. I don't um.. seeking words.. I don't want doors closed, I always want the chance to understand or be understood. So I have to be open.
There is too much to see in the world, too many people and thoughts. I hope you let some of that back in.
Is it really a choice of being too open & closing off? There has to be a middle ground.

I know I'm not answering every post, I am reading them though. LOL I am energy depleted & typing is exhausting. Sigh I so miss IRC. I need to work on proper paragraphs too. Yes, IRC--chatspeak--CM--forced to improve upon chatspeak. It does make sense in my head.
Now I am rambling.


There is a difference between caring and listening.  Most people in here have something worthwhile to offer.  There are some that are full of themselves and all they can do is brag about the number of partners they have had or their level of education.  Block.  There are some that can not spew anything but conspiracy theories and government bashing.  Block.  There are some that are so facist that if you turn your back on them for a second they are going to turn CM into a communist commune.  Block.

But there are quite a few people that come out with truly interesting thoughts.  It is only in your best interest to listen to them to see what you can incorporate into your own life.  That does not mean you have to care about them or take all the bullshit to heart.   Do not be afraid to shrug your shoulders and ignore them or tell them to +fuck off.  Of course the flip side is that if you are going to flip someone the bird, be prepared for the same to be done to you.  It means you absorb the good and throw the garbage away.  It is not sad.  It might be cold.  I can live with that.  But in any case it is called discernment.  Take the good, spit out the bad.  I can not see how you are any better off letting each little negative comment tear you to shreds.

Another thing that occurs to me is that you have no self-esteem (very common with natural subs, more times than not).  I do not have a low self-esteem or low confidence level.  I know who I am and if they do not like it, tough shit.  If you insist on taking everything personally, then perhaps work on your esteem levels so that you can always rest assured that what they are saying is a bunch of hooey.

_____________________________

Hi. I don't care. Thanks.

Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1956

Catholic Church: Serving up guilt since 107 AD.

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/29/2007 2:24:28 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

I'm getting better with asking how something was directed.. ie, I asked you! Yay me.



Exactly - off to a great start. Best not to assume posters are being negative towards you unless it's blatant or you know they have form for that sort of thing.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/29/2007 2:53:42 PM   
WyrdRich


Posts: 1733
Joined: 1/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Heya, I am still new to the world of forums *CM being my first*. I have trouble with getting my feelings hurt very easily, does anyone have suggestions for toughening up?



      Just a suggestion if you want to thicken your skin, dive in to the deep end.  Get into a really horrible argument on an issue you feel strongly about.  Let the chips fall where they may.  It will be painful, but you will have grown and learned when it is over.

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/29/2007 3:06:26 PM   
OffTheBeatenTrak


Posts: 116
Joined: 1/17/2007
Status: offline 		As i'm new to forums in general myself, i did have probs with the contexts of posts. For me i found the best thing was to read them twice and if your still in dubt treat it as a positve post. If you treat it positively and they are trying to be insultive they will just end up pissing them selfs off because there not getting any where. Any one worth listening too will show enough respect to try and explain there posts.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/29/2007 11:14:45 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Another thing... about 60% of what you read is lost from what was meant by the writer... written communication is very easily misinterpreted. Isn't it wasteful to get upset over a misunderstanding?


My boss (who has a master's in public speaking and extensive experience in teaching communication skills) states that 90% of all communication is non-verbal.

Guess which 90% is missing from online communication.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 12:22:49 AM   
Noah


Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

My boss (who has a master's in public speaking and extensive experience in teaching communication skills) states that 90% of all communication is non-verbal.



6.626068 × 10-34 m2 kg / s

Don't we all love that quirk of history by which nothing has ever been 91% or 89% of anything?  Pretty much everything is 90% or 99%-- except the other 50% which is invariably 10% or 1%.

Planck's constant is a frickin' variable compared to this stuff. It's like, spooky.

Dude. Is there a webcam at work?

Would you please stand your boss in front of it and show him the communication you are reading right now?  Perfect. Next please have him point (silently) to the 90% of it that is non-verbal.

Thanks

Anyway he said 90% but he meant 10%. You just weren't paying attention to the fact that the way he was bobbing his head and simultaneously picking his nose combined with the fact that he was dressed on the left and it was Tuesday meant: "divide all of my numerical concepts by nine."

Got to read between the lines, my brutha.


Now Jenny, pay close attention to the way Sinergy manages to read this tripe and keep caring about me while avoiding any temptation to let his fist communicate (90% non-verbally) with my nose. And just be like him.

My other advice to you would be to ignore criticisms from doms whose facial hair hasn't really come in yet. Although I suppose if you were deeply lacking in self control,  constantly telling yourself and anyone who would listen how much you don't care about anything might be a nice crutch for you.

(in reply to Sinergy)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 12:46:17 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		The problem isn't what people are writing, it's what you're reading. If someone attacks what you write, clarify your point or defend it once or twice, then let it go. If they attack what you write and you actually end up agreeing with them, let them know.. then let it go.

If someone attacks you personally, screw them. They don't 'get' forum posting and you're not obligated to ever respond to BS, ever.

Unless you want to wear a blindfold (which is going to make it really hard to read all the interesting stuff that pops up) and maybe some kevlar panties, really, sweetie.. don't sweat the small stuff and someone attacking you, personally, is pretty damn small.

Just hang in there, don't give up and be selective in what you read. Getting riled up or hurt feelings over a bunch of anonymous strangers isn't really going to do a thing for your own personal growth.

Now, if you really want to toughen up your skin, go see a sadist (like me!!) as we're really good at that sort of thing.

Celeste

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 1/30/2007 12:47:15 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 12:52:52 AM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I try to stay away from people who are angry or miserable for no good reason other than they like feeling that way and spreading it to others.
Other than that, I've got nuttin', but am glad you're here for what it's worth.   M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 1:26:14 AM   
obey1


Posts: 227
Joined: 11/26/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Heya, I am still new to the world of forums *CM being my first*. I have trouble with getting my feelings hurt very easily, does anyone have suggestions for toughening up?


Hi Jenny!

Welcome to the forum.  The best answer I could give you is simply time heals all wounds.  CM is not my first by far and I have gotten to the point of racing home some nights to get into the thick of things on a discussion where I have 'asked around' during the daytime to get some additional non-virtual advice and fuel.  Sometimes that only comes in the form of a stiff drink at the bar and a pissy bartender.  Then I am all ready to let the fingers fly....But of course I have also been banned from two 'one way' christian sites as well and I consider myself a christian, but that is another story....

But as has been offered before there is alot that has to do with general personality.  Don't say you are sorry just to appease an online stranger.  It does not appease them and you just feel worse about it.  I wrote a bit about this in a journal entry as upon browsing profiles I found a constant theme of private messages going to subs where everything was repressive in nature, like the first contact from someone was five explicatives followed by 10 prosecutable crimes against humanity.  Definitely block those people but do it IMHO on the CM site before they ever can PM you.  That way you stay in control.

Here on the forum, work your way up.   Use LOL as a standard response to nazi-biggots and make sure you quote their entire text.  They will retreat in short manner.

But for all the in-betweens, the 60-90-10% (it is actually 54.775%) make yourself a better person by choosing your arguments carefully (don't overextend your screen time), post sparingly if possible, and try to find a common friend or denominator within the OP group who's ideas you agree with but may not completely understand.  In other words, everything you needed to know they taught you in kindergarten:  Make friends, find a sympathetic soul and ask them.  Ally with people who's style you can appreciate.

Above all remember that each pull of the trigger, each keystroke, can be as simple as going to the firing range and spending about $50 in ammunition, or spending about $0.50 and attempting to end someone's life.  For many hard core 60WPM+ junkies out there this is just a game.  I have been at both sides of the spectrum but now through time, like 8 years, I have learned that my adrenaline only makes me more cunning online and improves my life elsewhere.  I have cried tears from being insulted online, and have also cried from the inspiration that God gave me to answer someone in the correct manner that physically changed attitudes and perceptions online, a world away, even if it was only my text that they read.

It is some of the best fun you can have.  Don't live and die by it, but try and create an alternate reality by which you are challenged to think, yet can hit the power button, log off, take a deep breath, and smile.  I speak for 43.6839% of the online population that says "We love you."

< Message edited by obey1 -- 1/30/2007 1:39:42 AM >

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 7:38:32 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

The problem isn't what people are writing, it's what you're reading. If someone attacks what you write, clarify your point or defend it once or twice, then let it go. If they attack what you write and you actually end up agreeing with them, let them know.. then let it go.

If someone attacks you personally, screw them. They don't 'get' forum posting and you're not obligated to ever respond to BS, ever.

Unless you want to wear a blindfold (which is going to make it really hard to read all the interesting stuff that pops up) and maybe some kevlar panties, really, sweetie.. don't sweat the small stuff and someone attacking you, personally, is pretty damn small.

Just hang in there, don't give up and be selective in what you read. Getting riled up or hurt feelings over a bunch of anonymous strangers isn't really going to do a thing for your own personal growth.

Now, if you really want to toughen up your skin, go see a sadist (like me!!) as we're really good at that sort of thing.

Celeste


I wish I would have read this when I first joined here... damn!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 9:10:13 PM   
petdave


Posts: 2479
Status: offline 		Some people entertain themselves by posting inflammatory or cruel things wherever they can. Don't get too wound about anything until you're sure that you're not dealing with one of them, because if you are, their posted "opinion" means nothing. Other people are fools. Ignore them as well.

If you're dealing with someone who is otherwise reasonably intelligent and appears sincere, and they still upset you, then carefully examine their post point-by-point, and flame the shit out of them.

...dave

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/30/2007 9:14:31 PM   
CandleInTheWind


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/20/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Heya, I am still new to the world of forums *CM being my first*. I have trouble with getting my feelings hurt very easily, does anyone have suggestions for toughening up?


cjenny,
as you can see not everyone that posts on here is actually answering your questions some have their own agenda...since i grew up in a family similar to this one.where as some people have a need to make you feel badly to make themselves feel better!  so well...i honestly do not understand it  but i do hope that i will never be the perosn that will cause you a hurt feeling.
red

_____________________________

It is better to be hated for something that you are
than it is to be loved for something you are not

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 1/31/2007 3:58:36 AM   
cjenny


Posts: 1736
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandleInTheWind

quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Heya, I am still new to the world of forums *CM being my first*. I have trouble with getting my feelings hurt very easily, does anyone have suggestions for toughening up?


cjenny,
as you can see not everyone that posts on here is actually answering your questions some have their own agenda...since i grew up in a family similar to this one.where as some people have a need to make you feel badly to make themselves feel better!  so well...i honestly do not understand it  but i do hope that i will never be the perosn that will cause you a hurt feeling.
red


CandleInTheWind thankyou for posting that. What you said is a large part of my discomfort. I have seen the pattern with some and actually they hurt less. What does bother me about them, is their potential to hurt others who may have not noticed the pattern.
It perplexes me that it is danced around, never confronted. Heck I'm even doing it now lol.

The rest of you I will answer later. Im going back to sleep.

_____________________________

*Unless I cite a source it is MO.


~ ssssh. i think i've just found freedom. ~

(in reply to CandleInTheWind)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/27/2008 9:03:46 PM   
Envisioner


Posts: 5
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny

Heya, I am still new to the world of forums *CM being my first*. I have trouble with getting my feelings hurt very easily, does anyone have suggestions for toughening up?


How should you toughen up?  Don't.  Emotions are the cosmos's gift to humanity.  The opportunity to feel is perhaps the only advantage to our current existence.  People who toughen themselves up become hard and sharp-edged, and soon can only feel joy by colliding with others, inflicting the pain they can no longer experience so that their sadistic glee will make them feel alive.  Treasure your ability to be hurt.  Those who are soft and fragile are those who are beautiful; there will always be some who will see your vulnerability as a target, but there will always be others who see it as a precious thing to be protected.

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/27/2008 9:07:20 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cjenny
does anyone have suggestions for toughening up?

Simple. Only pay attention to those who know you and whose opinions you have grown to appreciate in the forums elsewhere. Anyone else you can consider a fly by nght and not give the time of day. Keep an eye out for those who just want to pee in someone elses sandbox, and take everything (the good and the bad) with a grain of salt online.

Or, you could get cynical like me and not give a shit about what anyone else has to say about how you live your life. If it works for you, then anyone trying to tell you otherwise is automatically on my skip and ignore list.

DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/28/2008 5:41:26 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Use the hide button. When you have identified posters who like to hurt people, or who stalk your posts to put you down, put them on hide. If they send you mail, delete it without reading. This way you don't respond to them. These types get off on getting reactions from their victims, if you don't read it you won't respond.

Beyond that, learn how to ask specific questions. Don't give too little information but don't give too much. If all you're asking is about one specific problem you get better responses than if it appears that you're  a "pat, pat, what a poor misunderstood sub I am" drama type poster.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to mnottertail)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/28/2008 7:33:48 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		Jenny...a little tip I use to weed out the bits to keep and the bits to disregard.... posts which say all people or everyone should or real people ...they tend to get skipped over.  Also in regard to your own health issues, please don't let other people dictate what you should and shouldn't be doing and feeling.  Especially not strangers on a forum. 

If you are unsure about a comment someone has made...ask them about it..the worst that can happen is that they say that it was a personal attack on you..then your next step is easy...switch off the computer, look outside the window and remember that your life will still continue. More likely they will explain further and you will see that many of us are far too wrapped up in ourselves to take the time to focus negatively on someone else. I mean this nicely - it often isn't all about you Jenny and that's ok. 

My own struggle at the moment- There are lots of threads about mental health issues and some of these have misinformation and generalisations which to me come across as taking hope and empowerment away from people however rather than trying to battle it out with the posters time after time and feeling as if I am hitting my head against a wall I have recognised that it is easier on my blood pressure if I skip those threads for now.

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to Envisioner)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/28/2008 7:48:40 AM   
cjan


Posts: 3513
Joined: 2/21/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Noah

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

My boss (who has a master's in public speaking and extensive experience in teaching communication skills) states that 90% of all communication is non-verbal.



6.626068 × 10-34 m2 kg / s

Don't we all love that quirk of history by which nothing has ever been 91% or 89% of anything?  Pretty much everything is 90% or 99%-- except the other 50% which is invariably 10% or 1%.

Planck's constant is a frickin' variable compared to this stuff. It's like, spooky.

Dude. Is there a webcam at work?

Would you please stand your boss in front of it and show him the communication you are reading right now?  Perfect. Next please have him point (silently) to the 90% of it that is non-verbal.

Thanks

Anyway he said 90% but he meant 10%. You just weren't paying attention to the fact that the way he was bobbing his head and simultaneously picking his nose combined with the fact that he was dressed on the left and it was Tuesday meant: "divide all of my numerical concepts by nine."

Got to read between the lines, my brutha.


Now Jenny, pay close attention to the way Sinergy manages to read this tripe and keep caring about me while avoiding any temptation to let his fist communicate (90% non-verbally) with my nose. And just be like him.

My other advice to you would be to ignore criticisms from doms whose facial hair hasn't really come in yet. Although I suppose if you were deeply lacking in self control,  constantly telling yourself and anyone who would listen how much you don't care about anything might be a nice crutch for you.



*Snort*
Excellent, Noah.

And, OP, to address your, ummm, op...I find a protective cup useful.


< Message edited by cjan -- 4/28/2008 7:50:44 AM >

_____________________________

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall ,frozen , dead, from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself."- D.H. L

" When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks in to you"- Frank Nitti



(in reply to Noah)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/28/2008 9:30:22 AM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		Perhaps you just need a little more confidence. I have read many of your posts.... you are articulate...interesting....and intelligent.

Just continue to be fair minded and thoughtful and know that others often agree with your views but still respect you when they don’t.

Butch

(in reply to cjenny)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: How do you get fora tuff? - 4/28/2008 3:09:15 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline 		FR:

Anyone notice when the OP actually posted her request? 

Firm


_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 60
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