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how to communicate? - 1/28/2007 10:32:49 PM

GoodKarma

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hihihhihhihi fellow collarme people

i have been to numerous dating sites in the past looking but not finding much. came to collarme in october and hit the jackpot after three days. She is awesome. She has a great personality and a heart of gold. She knows She is picky and describes Herself as a "Dominant Brat". She has over 20 years in the lifestyle and i have only my time with Her. i am looking for a TPE type relationship and after we had a few real life meetings She showed me her toys. She played lightly without restraints then asked me if i was sure if thats what i wanted and we haven't played since. She explained to me that She wanted to work on the mental control be for W/we started playing because mental is deeper. today She made me realize that theres things She likes and dislikes about me and sometimes i really aggravate Her. one thing is when we are in private and She will say something that makes me feel defensive inside and i will say something stupid or answer he with a attitude. i don't want to make Her mad i love it when She is happy. i wish i could communicate my feelings to Her in a proper manner when She makes me feel defensive without offending Her because it makes me sad when She is mad at me

. She told me i should do some research on being a submissive and communicating. do any of Y/you know any links that would be helpful to me?

thankY/you for Y/your time

**edit** even though we haven't "played" yet. W/we do have sex unless i upset Her and She has giving me the privilege of being Her boyfriend.

< Message edited by GoodKarma -- 1/28/2007 11:01:56 PM >

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/28/2007 11:00:09 PM

undergroundsea

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I think the bulk of your research will be on communication techniques. There are books on interpersonal and professional communication that discuss effective techniques. You might see books about nonviolent communication or compassionate communication. Books for communication techniques for managers also cover these ideas. You might go to the self-help section at a book store and browse.

The communication techniques focus on the communicator and, how the communicator can express an idea without causing the recipient to feel defensive. If you are feeling defensive, this techniques might be useful to her as well.

Bringing submission into the picture, I think processing and perspective (the way you choose to see and respond to the information you receive), and humbling the ego will help.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/28/2007 11:23:02 PM

GoodKarma

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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

I think the bulk of your research will be on communication techniques. There are books on interpersonal and professional communication that discuss effective techniques. You might see books about nonviolent communication or compassionate communication. Books for communication techniques for managers also cover these ideas. You might go to the self-help section at a book store and browse.

The communication techniques focus on the communicator and, how the communicator can express an idea without causing the recipient to feel defensive. If you are feeling defensive, this techniques might be useful to her as well.

Bringing submission into the picture, I think processing and perspective (the way you choose to see and respond to the information you receive), and humbling the ego will help.

thankyou for your reply it gives me paths to explore

She don't need them. She is doing what i want and agreed to. i have no problem doing any chores or anything She asks of me. but i do get defensive on some of the small things i didnt realize i was agreeing to like "no you cant eat that". i want total control and agreed to it with Her telling me that many things will change about the way i live my life. i am glad She is doing it but i still feel defensive inside and wish icould tell Her without fear or seeming like i am complaining because this is what i want. and this is why She told me i should research being a sub and communication.

thankY/you for Y/your time

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 12:58:05 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodKarma
but i do get defensive on some of the small things i didnt realize i was agreeing to like "no you cant eat that". i want total control and agreed to it with Her telling me that many things will change about the way i live my life. i am glad She is doing it but i still feel defensive inside and wish icould tell Her without fear or seeming like i am complaining because this is what i want

I am not clear how much you want to say something to her and how much you want to accept the situation and not say anything. In anycase, for any communication, I hope the techniques and concepts I mentioned in my prior email will help.

With your clarification, it seems the bulk of your focus will not be on communication techniques but on the processing and ego management.

For ego management, I think some Buddhist concepts may help. I am not very informed about these concepts but I have some notion that they involve humility and stripping of the ego. Perhaps someone on these boards with more knowledge about such Buddist beliefs will chime in. Here is a paste from a prior post I made.

quote:

In any case, I do not know much about the concept you describe (service, humility, deconstructing the ego) through personal experience but have seen some discussions go by that have given me basic awareness of the idea. I recall one such discussion that presented the process you describe as a spiritual experience. Persons knowledgeable about the subject spoke of Buddhism and Eastern philosophies, and of bliss found in shedding the ego. The thread is on another site and I am unable to post it here. One of the responders recommended "reading Ramana Maharshi, the biography of Ramakrishna, and the trilogy by Ram Das."

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 1:47:48 AM

BeautifulRacket

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodKarma
thankyou for your reply it gives me paths to explore

She don't need them. She is doing what i want and agreed to. i have no problem doing any chores or anything She asks of me. but i do get defensive on some of the small things i didnt realize i was agreeing to like "no you cant eat that". i want total control and agreed to it with Her telling me that many things will change about the way i live my life. i am glad She is doing it but i still feel defensive inside and wish icould tell Her without fear or seeming like i am complaining because this is what i want. and this is why She told me i should research being a sub and communication.

thankY/you for Y/your time

I agree with Sea, it's about perspective and reframing the experience. With the example above, ask yourself why she's telling you not to eat that. Is it for healt reasons, or because she wants it, or simply her exercising her dominance/control like you want her to? IOW, is her order in your best interest, and actually giving you what you want, including pleasing her? If so, think of that - if you start to feel defensive, ask yourself questions and reinforce how following the order will please you because it pleases her. With practice, you should be able to do this more quickly, and will likely feel less defensive in time.

My sub has problems with things like this sometimes, and I appreciate him sharing those occurences with me when I ask if he's had trouble with anything or during our daily talk time. Our reality is that jumping to 24/7 D/s that's approaching TPE is a huge change that requires a lot of re-framing and adjustments from BOTH of us. If the way I communicate something invokes defensiveness or negative feelings, I usually want to look at and try out different styles in an effort to find ways that make him happy to comply, instead of feel bad. Often it's just a matter of me phrasing something a different way, or providing a bit of explanation as to why it's important. It's not necessary for me to do this, and he's certainly required to comply promptly no matter how I say something, but easing the transition and having him excited about complying is well worth making changes and putting more effort into how I communicate even very simple things.

So, I think Sea also has a very good point about BOTH you and your Dominant learning about and working on communication techniques since that may help you avoid the defensiveness altogether at times.

As for communicating your feelings, consider carefully when that's required. She already knows you feel defensive, and I'm assuming you've told her what topics tend to set you off. If I were you, I'd ask her how she'd like you to deal with it, i.e. should you tell her later you felt defensive when..., or not mention it at all, or wait for her to ask? If you don't already have a system for communicating openly without fear of punishment, setting a regular time and/or procedure for that may be a good idea so you could share things like this if that's what she wants you to do. I NEVER feel like my sub is whining or being a pain when he communicates his feelings and reactions because I always learn something and know it's difficult for him to do.

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 6:52:12 AM

MasterFireMaam

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There's lots of information available about communication techniques. But, most of all, probably what you need to do is learn to recognize when you feel this way and just say, outloud, "Ok, for some reason that puts me on the defense." Then, take a few deep breaths. What you're doing is slowing down the process between your words and your speech in a effort to make the things that come out of your mouth more calm and rational. This is NOT you learning to say what she wants to hear. That will do yourself a disservice. This is about you learning to say what you need to say in a way that doesn't piss her off so much. You'll also have to face the fact that no matter WHAT you say, in some instances, it's going to upset her.

The second part is for you to start doing self analysis and asking WHY what she said made you feel defensive. Talk to her about it. Perhaps she would be willing to also learn to slow down the words to speech for herself. Even if she doesn't, it's up to you to delve inside and really look. Once you're aware of it, you can start to work on it. The important thing is to let you partner know what triggers you have that create this response in you. For example, swatting me, even playfully, on the ass, sends me through the roof. I know this is because I had an Aunt who used to do it, then tell me how fat I was as a kid. Since I haven't been able to diffuse this in my head yet, I tell people in relationships with me not to swat me on the butt and the reaction I'm likely to have because of it. When it does happen, depending on the situation, I'm now able to pause, breathe, and calmly explain why what they did is a problem for me. Because I've paused and haven't laughed immediately about it, they pretty much figure out it's a big deal with me.

So, go read about communication techniques and start to practice them. Go begin a self analysis and look at the core reasons you get defensive when she says stuff.

Master Fire

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 9:32:17 AM

GoodKarma

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thankY/you all for Y/your insight. i feel more comfortable now that i am learning. for the most part it is things She says that are for the betterment of me and i now realize i have to work on my ego. She has told me that at times She will say things that will make me feel bad but thats not what She is intending to do. sometimes i think its the Brat in Her that makes me defensive inside and if i can better understand what a Dominant Brat is then i feel i can better deal with it and not feel defensive. i love making Her happy and hate when i feel defensive and have a mild attitude its unacceptable. i am having a hard time finding any material on Dominant Brats i only find reading materials on submissive brats. can any of Y/you please point me in a direction or give me some insight into what a Dominant Brat is and what makes them tick?

thankY/you for Y/your time

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 10:10:24 AM

undergroundsea

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoodKarma
She has told me that at times She will say things that will make me feel bad but thats not what She is intending to do. sometimes i think its the Brat in Her that makes me defensive inside and if i can better understand what a Dominant Brat is then i feel i can better deal with it and not feel defensive.

Hmmm. I am not sure what a dominant brat is. When you say sometimes you think it is the brat in her, what do mean? What does she do that makes you feel it is bratty? How do you define a brat?

The only thing that comes to mind is that she enjoys emotional sadism and creating emotional perturbance. However, you say that she says she does not intend to make you feel bad so I am unsure if such is the case. It might help to ask her what is her intention when she says something that creates an unwanted response in you--doing so will help with the processing and reframing for which BeautifulRacket gave examples.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 1/29/2007 10:12:32 AM >

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 11:08:07 AM

GoodKarma

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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

Hmmm. I am not sure what a dominant brat is. When you say sometimes you think it is the brat in her, what do mean? What does she do that makes you feel it is bratty? How do you define a brat?

i don't know how to define brat other than S/someone who isn't happy when T/they don't get T/their way. the thing that makes me think it's sometimes the Brat in Her is She will say something to me and i get defensive inside but She is only teasing She told me i need to be able to read between the lines and understand when She is kidding with me. i am not giving her the "Dominant Brat" label She tells me and others that's what She is with pride and even has Brat tattooed to Her ass. i am very lucky to be with Her and so want to better understand Her because i love making Her happy and i hate aggravating Her. i am very new to all this and this thread has made me feel better already because i am better understanding more of whats generally expected of a sub then what i thought. i have searched very hard for anything on Dominant Brat's and have found nothing. i find that the more i learn the more easier it gets for me to drop my defenses and be more comfortable with my submission.

thankY/you for Y/your time

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 11:45:19 AM

pixelslave

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GoodKarma,
In addition to what the others have posted, I'd highly recommend that you begin journaling. At some point in the day, begin writing down each instance you can recall where you had difficulty with something your Mistress commanded of you and how you felt at the time. If it made you feel defensive, what was at the core of the need to defend? What belief were you trying to defend? Was it an issue of you feeling as though you knew better than she, you wanting to choose for yourself, you not wanting to give up control and submit, something from your past causing you to resist, pride, ego, or something else?

I could continue and create a very long list, but I won't.

Journaling will help you better understand what thoughts and emotions are involved at the core of your being which are impeding your submission to this woman. You can share your journal with your Mistress and she can perhaps provide you with additional insight or exercises she may want you to do or even perform them with you to help you overcome specific problem areas that continue to arise. Obviously, this is something I suggest you discuss with your Mistress as to whether or not she'd like to be involved or have you do this on your own before you begin.

The other thing I would suggest, is to use affirmations daily to help you become more submissive to your Mistress. I suggest you start by sit and writing at least 5 to 10 phrases which are positive in their nature that describe the behavior you'd like to exhibit when you are with your Mistress. An example might be something like "Today, I will follow all my Mistress' commands without hesitation." Repeat that affirmation to yourself throughout the day in order to keep that mind set and help yourself to embody it. Over time, it will eventually become part of your natural thinking. Each day use a different affirmation and try to repeat it at least once an hour (you can set your watch to beep every hour if you have a digital watch of that type). Write new affirmations for yourself as you think of them, especially if you think they will be helpful to you in specific areas that you know you are having difficulty with. This is an area where you Mistress can be particularly helpful in providing her input as well.

I wish the best of luck to you on your journey of self discovery.

- pixel

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Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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RE: how to communicate? - 1/29/2007 4:42:33 PM

GoodKarma

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quote:

ORIGINAL: pixelslave

I wish the best of luck to you on your journey of self discovery.

- pixel

tytytyty pixel excellent idea

i am going to open a new thread in elsewhere about Dominant Brats

thankY/you for Y/your time

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