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question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 9:24:56 AM   
slvcari


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Greetings Mistress -

I have a question regarding first meeting.. I have spoken with both on the phone and via email with a domme , she informed me that play will be done as well as me being used by a male friend she will be bringing with her . . As i am new, is it customary to "play or be used" at a first meeting ?

This domme also informed me i couldn't bring anyone with me to the meeting, would you go ?

slv cari

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 9:32:25 AM   
sleazy


Posts: 781
Joined: 11/23/2006
From: UK
Status: offline 		I personally will not play first date, and I sure as hell wouldnt have anyone else involved, a first date should be about getting to know you. Having said that I am looking for a long term relationship and so not playing on 1st, 3rd, nth date is not important as I am hoping for plenty play later in the relationship.

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(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 9:37:41 AM   
slvcari


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Mistress -

I was learly about the meeting after she said i would be used.  Also i'm getting emails which is a good thing, but when i mention to them i'd rather have them come here (i'm in pittsburgh) i get chewed out for it and told i'm not following orders and need punished.. is it wrong for me to want them to come here?

slv cari

(in reply to sleazy)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 9:48:20 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari
As i am new, is it customary to "play or be used" at a first meeting ?

This domme also informed me i couldn't bring anyone with me to the meeting, would you go ?


It is not customary to play or be used at a first meeting. In fact, it is generally the opposite.

For me, play depends on a chemistry and how comfortable you feel with a person, and I think that neither is fully defined until an in-person meeting. I approach a first meeting as part of the process to know someone. There can and have been exceptions. Still, this is my general approach.

I do not know enough about the matter to have a feel for how realistic or responsible the approach of the domme is--to me it appears to be neither at surface. Her conditions seem unfair to you unless you enjoy that type of a dynamic.

It is possible for people to take advantage of a submissive in different ways in the scenario you describe. And I don't have a good feel for how much regard will be given to your welfare and feelings. If the scenario crosses lines of consent, what recourse will you have?

If I were in that scenario, I would not go. Furthermore, I would wonder about her intentions and BDSM philosophy. If you think the situation merits to continue the conversation with her, it is fair for you to say that you are not comfortable to engage in play at the first meeting. Some people have a supportive figure be present for a first meeting where this person does not join the conversation but remains in the general vicinity. I think a reasonable dominant would allow this measure for a first meeting. And, of course, a safe call (calls to a friendly person with predetermined code words for when things are fine or not) is another approach used for first meetings.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 1/29/2007 9:59:24 AM >

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 9:54:57 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari
but when i mention to them i'd rather have them come here (i'm in pittsburgh) i get chewed out for it and told i'm not following orders and need punished.. is it wrong for me to want them to come here?


There is no right or wrong for this question. What feels not right to you is not right for you. This requirement may affect the number of people who are compatible with you but is fair. I would temper this approach appropriately with compromise and consideration for the other.

For the location, it might help to indicate in your profile that you are looking to meet people who are local, or who can come to Pittsburg for, at least, the first meeting.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 9:59:45 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		Play does not always happen on a first meeting.  In fact, as Sea stated, it is the norm not to play. 

If someone told me I could not bring anyone else, that would throw up a large red safety flag and I'd decline. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to undergroundsea)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 10:09:59 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari

Greetings Mistress -

I have a question regarding first meeting.. I have spoken with both on the phone and via email with a domme , she informed me that play will be done as well as me being used by a male friend she will be bringing with her . . As i am new, is it customary to "play or be used" at a first meeting ?

Common? Probably. Wise? Probably not.

quote:

This domme also informed me i couldn't bring anyone with me to the meeting, would you go ?

I doubt I'd go. I'd not like the idea of TWO strangers having a go at me as a first meeting.

slv cari




_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: question about first meeting - 1/29/2007 5:28:34 PM   
LadyIce


Posts: 406
Joined: 7/4/2006
Status: offline 		Most people meet in a neutral setting such as a restaurant or coffee shop.
The more casual the better, for many people.

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: question about first meeting - 1/30/2007 2:01:54 AM   
BeautifulRacket


Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari

Thank you Mistress -

I was learly about the meeting after she said i would be used.  Also i'm getting emails which is a good thing, but when i mention to them i'd rather have them come here (i'm in pittsburgh) i get chewed out for it and told i'm not following orders and need punished.. is it wrong for me to want them to come here?

slv cari

For me, a feeling that something's not quite right or fear is enough to cancel or change the circumstances so I'm comfortable. I simply won't risk my safety by failing to take measures (like meeting in a public place, having a safe call and giving my spouse all of their info beforehand, and not playing/being in a vulnerable position until I know and trust them) or listen to my intuition because I've been hurt even when I did everything right. So, no, I wouldn't agree to meet and play with these people, probably at all because they've shown a disregard for my needs and common sense measures.

In terms of a meeting place, I always choose a mutually agreeable, very public spot. If we live 60 miles apart, for instance, I might choose somewhere about halfway by driving time, or that's otherwise convenient for both of us. Sometimes people offer to come closer to me, and that's fine, or I have done more of the driving at times, too. I'd likely not meet someone who wasn't willing/able to meet me halfway in a public place and wait until I was completely comfy to play.

Please remember that no one is YOUR Dominant until you agree for them to be. When I talk to and meet prospective subs, I always see us on equal footing until we explicitly agree to a power exchange, and quite frankly, I question the knowledge, experience and judgement of anyone who does differently. This person you're talking to can't demand, order or punish you to any effect  until you give them the power to do so, so just don't do that if you're not completely comfortable!

YMMV, but please take care of yourself!



(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: question about first meeting - 1/30/2007 6:30:19 PM   
mellian


Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari

Greetings Mistress -

I have a question regarding first meeting.. I have spoken with both on the phone and via email with a domme , she informed me that play will be done as well as me being used by a male friend she will be bringing with her . . As i am new, is it customary to "play or be used" at a first meeting ?

This domme also informed me i couldn't bring anyone with me to the meeting, would you go ?

slv cari




Hell no. Get to know each other first or no dice.

-mellian


_____________________________

Since my pic link doesn't work, here is my profile:

http://www.collarme.com/bdsm/v/50276/details.htm

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: question about first meeting - 1/31/2007 6:29:49 AM   
SCDommie


Posts: 176
Joined: 1/24/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with the others here.  It takes a while to build up confidence for play.  You need to have trust in the relationship first.
If she is getting you for play and to be used by another, you are not going to be with her. You will be with the male. 

Respectfully,

SCD

(in reply to mellian)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: question about first meeting - 1/31/2007 8:39:41 AM   
slvcari


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your advice-

I've since limited contacted with her and keep getting questions from her about when i will come for a visit.  I told her that  i was not comfortable with play on the first meeting the response from her was " your are the submissive and i am the dom, you will do as told , i want you here thursday at my home , here is the address ," . i'm not going  and won't be going .

slv cari

(in reply to SCDommie)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: question about first meeting - 1/31/2007 9:43:13 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Good for you!!! Just because you identify as a submissive doesn't mean you have to bow down to the demands of strangers that claim to be dominant....
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: question about first meeting - 1/31/2007 9:48:26 AM   
Lorelei115


Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari

Thank you all for your advice-

I've since limited contacted with her and keep getting questions from her about when i will come for a visit. I told her that i was not comfortable with play on the first meeting the response from her was " your are the submissive and i am the dom, you will do as told , i want you here thursday at my home , here is the address ," . i'm not going and won't be going .

slv cari


I think you've made the right decision, good for you! Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you need to give your safety into somone else's hands until you are 100 percent comfortable with them. It can be hard to fight back those submissive urges when "Mistress" calls, but you have to look out and care for yourself until you find someone else you truly trust to look out and care for you. Sounds like this so called "dominant" has a lot of learning to do about real life and communication.

_____________________________

A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: question about first meeting - 3/25/2007 7:24:10 AM   
MasterC38


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/17/2006
Status: offline 		Unless I have been talking with the person for a considerable time, I don't play on the first meeting. And I NEVER share on it. thats just wrong. The first meeting is part of the building block on which the foundation for the relationship is built. It can often be awkward, especially for the sub. This time should be used to see how you feel with one another, what type of conncetion and chemstry is there. Just like any other first date. And as far as you having to go to them, thats personal preferance. Sometimes I go, sometimes I have mine come to me. If you arent willing to, just put it on your profile. Anyone thats genuine, that truly wants to meet you, will come to you. This is JMO tho. Everyone may not agree. And if you do go to them, always Make sure to leave a meeting place address, name and phone number with someone, as well as a return time. this is simply a safeguard for your protection. If the Dom is genuine, they wont mind giving this info for your safety.

(in reply to Lorelei115)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: question about first meeting - 3/25/2007 7:25:28 AM   
MasterC38


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/17/2006
Status: offline 		good choice. you did the right thing.

(in reply to MasterC38)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: question about first meeting - 3/25/2007 7:32:59 AM   
DianeB269


Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I smell fish!

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: question about first meeting - 3/25/2007 7:39:42 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari

Greetings Mistress -

I have a question regarding first meeting.. I have spoken with both on the phone and via email with a domme , she informed me that play will be done as well as me being used by a male friend she will be bringing with her . . As i am new, is it customary to "play or be used" at a first meeting ?

This domme also informed me i couldn't bring anyone with me to the meeting, would you go ?

slv cari




I think if you are wise you will just say "no thanks" to this person.

She clearly does not understand the concept of a first meeting or of equals until you have negotiated otherwise.

I never ever play with someone when I do that first lunch/dinner. I always bring at least one of my other partners and request they bring along someone too. I want us to both feel safe and that we have someone to talk to later to help us decide to move forward or not. The folks we bring don't have to sit at our table, they can be nearby.

The point is that if you don't respect yourself enough to think about your own safety, why should anyone else respect you enough to play safely with you?

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: question about first meeting - 3/25/2007 7:41:46 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slvcari

Thank you Mistress -

I was learly about the meeting after she said i would be used. Also i'm getting emails which is a good thing, but when i mention to them i'd rather have them come here (i'm in pittsburgh) i get chewed out for it and told i'm not following orders and need punished.. is it wrong for me to want them to come here?

slv cari


I insist that potentials come to me to do the first meeting or any further training or play. Why? Because I can (being in the minority in these gives some power) and because I'm still a graduate student and exceedingly busy. Someone who wants to be with me must fit into my life, not me into theirs.

I'm not saying this is based on Ds role but it is how things work for me.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to slvcari)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: question about first meeting - 3/25/2007 7:51:20 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		WE usually play on the first meeting but of course this comes from lengthly getting to know you time.NO I wouldn"t accept her conditions of playing with two and it not too much to ask them to come to you...IT seems strange that she would want to share you unless shes in a committed relationship or married and then I could understand...bounty

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

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Profile   Post #: 20
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