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RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 12:12:16 PM   
defiantbadgirl


Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline 		Your need for closure is very important. He should know he ditched you for something you didn't do. I'd send him a letter now, then send it again in a few months (in case he's still too mad to read it yet). He needs to learn a lesson from this so he won't go around hurting others the way he hurt you.

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 12:31:00 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline 		On the general issue (since the specifics seem to be in hand by now) the need for closure -is- important.  However, who it is important to becomes an issue; he doesn't owe you an explaination, though he may choose to give you one.  There's no question of 'rights' here - I don't have the right to be treated any way, by any one beyond what the law permits.  I only have the right to accept said treatment, or exit stage left.  It's hard to see past our own pain, to see a situation as it really is sometimes.  So, yes, your feeling of need is important to you.  How you choose to solve the puzzle, fortunately, is also up to you.

A couple of other thoughts; perhaps he felt he wasn't content with you.  Perhaps he felt you weren't content with him.  Perhaps there were several forces that were at work.  BlindDescent is spot on - people often try to end a relationship on an angry note, to subconsciously prevent an otherwise dragging, miserable, heart breaking week to week, month to month drawing away.  It can be very difficult to maintain any sort of real friendship with a former lover or partner.

Stephan


_____________________________

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 12:42:14 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I am surprised that so many have responded that she should contact this guy.  I wouldn't be so eager to continue giving power to someone who didn't believe me or who had discarded me.  I don't see the point in it.  Ignoring someone sends an equally strong message, plus it gives you the appearance of being strong, even though you may not feel strong.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 12:49:20 PM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		Perhaps He discovered/read your profile and noticed you've been searching for a 'Real Dom' during the latter stages of the 3 1/2 years you were with Him.

Call it gut feeling--I see your 'need for closure' as an attempt to stir drama, gain sympathy, and validation for doing it.

Granted, you did a good job of the 'woe-is-me' thing in your post. 

I'm with Bita....drama...ick.

Edit:  The fact that you conveniently deleted your journal (after it was noted) kinda cements my gut feeling, and says to me you didn't like being called on your own dishonesty in the relationship.  The way I see it, you were effectively cheating, and He owes you nothing, least of all closure.


< Message edited by valeca -- 1/30/2007 12:58:56 PM >

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~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to Stephann)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 1:08:29 PM   
BlindUnknown


Posts: 66
Joined: 1/8/2007
Status: offline 		i'm going to bump my previous response, now that said journal has been deleted (thank you for bringing it to attention, valeca). It may be something that happened before, and the OP didn't tell us that.

_____________________________

Remember...the Dominant has power -in- the relationship, the sub has power -over- it.
Kioku shta ka?
"If Light and Darkness are eternal, than surely Nothings must be the same!"

(in reply to valeca)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 1:33:24 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		      I did go read the profile and the journal entries and yep there is some contradictions between that and the post here.   Is it a trend on this sight, where the profiles contradict the journal entries or posts---I read one just last night---profile reading seeking a Master and the journal entry (fairly recent December) stating her Master gave her a second chance and she is with the One she needs to be with.   If the effort was there to write in the journal why not change the profile?  
     Anyways in regards to this post, if the Dom had read the OP's profile and journal why wouldn't he just say, "Listen I went to collar me and saw your profile."   However, on the other hand the OP did state she has been totally honest but the journal and profile contradict that so perhaps he did have reason to disbelieve her if he read the profile but he still should have just stated that was the reason.  

(in reply to BlindUnknown)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 2:01:42 PM   
eroticBBWsub


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: valeca

Perhaps He discovered/read your profile and noticed you've been searching for a 'Real Dom' during the latter stages of the 3 1/2 years you were with Him.

Call it gut feeling--I see your 'need for closure' as an attempt to stir drama, gain sympathy, and validation for doing it.

Granted, you did a good job of the 'woe-is-me' thing in your post. 

I'm with Bita....drama...ick.

Edit:  The fact that you conveniently deleted your journal (after it was noted) kinda cements my gut feeling, and says to me you didn't like being called on your own dishonesty in the relationship.  The way I see it, you were effectively cheating, and He owes you nothing, least of all closure.



I asked for feedback on ONE aspect of my relationship, being released from it, not feedback on my entire relationship.  I wanted to know if contacting him would be appropriate, given those specific dynamics.  I did NOT ask to have my entire relationship, of which you know NOTHING, dissected and analyzed.  I didnt ask whether he was right or wrong in releasing me.  I didnt ask what YOU thought about me and whether I am an honest person or not.

Yes I deleted my journal entries because I didnt want this entire thread to be hijacked by people analyzing things they dont know about.  For the record, for those of you who need to be further amused instead of just answering my initial question, HE wanted me to find a local dominant who could spank me and give me pleasure.  HE felt I was not getting enough real time, in person play and he wanted to reward me by encouraging me to find others to play with locally.

Also he likes to listen on the phone while I am spanked and spanked to orgasm.  He enjoys hearing me as I cum and cum for him, and he enjoys hearing me cum while someone else is spanking me.  So my profile here was to help me find local Doms who I could play with, with my Master's encouragement, and blessing.

However, I didnt want another Dom for anything as I was totally devoted to him.  But he wanted me to do that so I did a profile here.  But all the incredibly offensive and time consuming messages I was getting was frustrating me.  I wasnt hearing from anyone who was remotely possible to play with.  I was hearing mostly from subbie men, which I didnt understand.  Or hearing from men who just wanted pain slut slaves, which I am not. 

So I told him I didnt want to be active here anymore.  I wrote those journal enties as a way to get out my frustrations about being forced to interact with other Doms, who were not being very nice or respectful.   I was NEVER dishonest with him, nor did I cheat on him.  That was one of the problems - I didnt care to play with anyone else but him.  The only way I could let someone else spank me was if HE ordered me to go play and if He ordered me to orgasm during the spanking.    I had no interest in other men, no one but him.

I am NOT into drama.  I wanted honest feedback to my question about contacting him.  Trust me, if I "did" drama, you would know it. First, I waited 2 weeks before I did anything, even write a question here.  I took that time to reflect, grieve, and sort out some things.  Then, I did not write an hysterical message here, calling him names.  I have not told anyone in the scene about what he did.  I have not bad mouthed him to anyone.  I have not told mutual friends what he did or what he said to me.  We belong to several groups, and I have not posted about him releasing me or what he did to me.  I have been quiet and discreet.  Dont you think that if I wanted drama I would have been beating my chest all over the country, in the groups that know him, crying how much he "did me wrong"...???

Even here I did not name him and I did not put him down.  I dont agree with what he did, and I wish he would change his mind, but I have not been disrespectful to him.   I asked for feedback about what I could do, not what he should do.  I didnt ask for ways to get him back.  I didnt ask anyone if he was wrong.  I didnt say he was a bad man.   

I still love him and I still ache for him.  He promised me that he would never release me, that was HIS #1 committment to me.  Once he fully pledges a submissive, he believes that she can only serve him totally if she knows he wont abandon her on a whim, that he will be there in good times and in bad times.  He always told me he would not turn away from me, that this relationship would only end when I asked to be released.  

While it took me awhile to come to trust him totally and believe him when he said he would not let me fail and he would not release me, I came to believe in him and had let go of my fears and insecurites about being abandoned.  I felt so good about our relationship and about myself.  

Before the holidays, he had been telling me daily how proud he was of me and how pleased he was with me.  He told me how wonderful things were and how happy I made him.  Before he left on vacation the first week of Jan, we were planning on getting together the end of Jan or early Feb.   Then he came back, he was very different, and he released me. 

Im just trying to get through each day.  I have not contacted him or bothered him or tried in any way to get him to deal with me or change his mind. I am respecting his decision to release me and not be my Master.  I just wanted to know if it would be appropriate to let him what was going on with me, at the end.  I know he wont change his mind, and I know we are over.  I just want him to know everything.

If you want more detailed information about my relationship with him, about how our relationship worked being long distance, about anything else, write me personally so we dont bore the others here while you dissect and analzye my entire relationship 

For those of you who have written me kind and/or constructive messages, thank you very much.  It has been very difficult knowing what is "normal" when the one person you have ever truly trusted breaks your heart, breaks all his promises to you, and releases you.  Being released and not belonging to him anymore makes me feel so raw and vulnerable.  And yes, I came here for some feedback, some advice, some guidance.  Thank you!!!

(in reply to valeca)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 2:13:49 PM   
eroticBBWsub


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline 		By the way, my former Master is NOT a member here. So my post was NOT a way to send an indirect message to him.  We did not meet here, we met at a fetish party.  So no, he wont be writing in reply to my messages. 

That is why I posted my question HERE, instead of in the other groups where we both are members.  I didnt want to create any kind of awkward situation for either of us in those groups.  Here I thought I could ask that question without anyone who might know us getting involved.  I dont want either one of us to have to explain what happened or to play 20 questions about our relationship, so soon after the break up.  I just wanted more anonymous replies. 

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 2:16:29 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		      Many people here often read posts as well as the profiles.   When you post a thread, really you open yourself to all sorts of answers.   I read your profile and I really can understand the confussion.   If the profile stated what you stated here, I am owned but Master enjoys others to play with me---that may have made things a little cleared but hindsight is 20/20.  
    If writing him and explaination is going to give you closure, then by all means, you know best what is right for you.   Seriously I think at least for me, time is the best closure.     

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 2:48:09 PM   
valeca


Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline 		You didn't mention your long term relationship in your journals and focused on the lack of real Dom's here.  Not mentioning that little tidbit could be why you weren't shown any consideration from Dom's--it's perceived as dishonesty when it see's the light of day.  The slams on the lack of real Dom's don't make the Dom's more inclined to politeness, either.

Edit:  Used fast reply.

If I'm wrong on the 'cheating' aspect, so be it.  I'm perfectly fine with being wrong.  No one disected your entire relationship.  We commented on the parts you put out there.  You wanted honest feedback--that's what you got.  That you didn't like all of it doesn't mean it wasn't honest.

For the record, I still agree with Bita.  She's usually on the mark.

< Message edited by valeca -- 1/30/2007 2:49:13 PM >

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to Squeakers)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 2:55:32 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		RE: Is MY need for closure important???
 
 
To answer your question, yes, your needs are always important.  But I believe we have to take into consideration what the results of having our needs fulfilled might be down the road.  Will writing him a big explanation truly give you "closure", which translates into "comfort and peace of mind"?  Or is it just a way of venting your (rightfully) frustrated feelings?

It's obvious you communicate your feelings well by writing, and I understand first-hand how therapeutic writing feelings down can be.  I think you should absolutely do that.  But whether or not you should actually SEND him the letter you write.....my leaning is to not send it, but rather, save it for awhile and see how you feel in another week or a month.  Will sending it to him actually change anything?  Probably not. It might make you feel a little better for a little while, but he'll probably see you as pathetic and needy and then he can say, "See?  I was right about releasing her!"  I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.   

My two cents worth of advice is to try to focus on what a great person you are and how you served him honestly for 3-1/2 years.  3-1/2 years!!!!  That is a long time!  Try to see him as someone who lost something good, see HIM as the loser in this situation, not yourself.  Take some down time for yourself, and then get back into it and find the person who truly deserves you. 

I agree with the others who speculate that he went away and met someone new, came back, and started looking for an excuse to dump (sorry!) you.  He had to justify it to himself. 

< Message edited by windchymes -- 1/30/2007 2:57:33 PM >

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to Squeakers)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 3:41:03 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		in response to the issues about your profile: i am in a similar position with my dominant, in that he wants me to seek out others to play with, so i make it a point of putting in my profile that i'm owned and seeking play partners and dates. nowhere in your profile did it say that you were already owned, just that you were searching for a "real" dominant. while that's not necessarily an outright lie, it is a pretty big misrepresentation, imho.

anyway, i don't understand why you are so defensive...the majority of posts were in response to your actual question, and many of the posters voiced the same opinion - that if you feel contacting him will bring you closure, then that's what you should do. for a lot of people, doing that would NOT bring them closure, but that's why everybody's experience is different. maybe it would be better to focus on that part of the thread than going into cardiac arrest over the remainder of the thread.

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 4:01:48 PM   
reamer


Posts: 57
Joined: 1/16/2007
Status: offline 		If you've been "for real" and made best efforts, been totally honest with the man from the beginning (which you can claim but we cannot ascertain), then your need for closure is important.

If in any way the above caveat is not true in your case (which again we cannot know), then no, your need is not important.

(in reply to hisannabelle)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 6:52:44 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		Write him Write him! Say whatever you want. Do this for yourself. You partly hurt because you may have done nothing. Writing helps. Dont worry about what he will think. You're beyond that now. What matters is, what YOU think. Good luck and God speed in your recovery. 

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 7:49:37 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		What in the javelly fuck are you witches brewing up now?


Palmer Cortland



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(in reply to sophia37)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/30/2007 8:28:14 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		There are always two sides to the story and then the truth.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 1/31/2007 8:59:09 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Gods, how I have come to hate that word "closure". It is a totally modern fabrication that is, at best, a decade old. Before that, people simply coped (some better than others, admittedly) with the reality of a situation, and tried to move forward.

Closure, in the modern sense, is simply a wanting by someone for a finish that satisfies them or their needs. The reality is that, sometimes you get one, sometimes you don't. A lot of people waste an incredible amount of time on this process, and it is a waste of that time.

In my opinion, he acted like an asshole, and you are better off without him if that is going to be his attitude. Cut your losses, move on. That is all the closure you need.

If you must have some sort of closure, RavenMuse's words were wise, "the only place closure can really come from is inside yourself".

Namaste, Sir Dominic

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 2/1/2007 3:18:18 PM   
CollaredCat


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline 		If it were me, I would write to him. You've taken the time to think and process so far, so take a bit more and consider carefully what you expect from communicating. It sounds to me that you might perhaps simply wish to 'have your say'. If whether he believes you or not is irrelevant, then by all means send the letter. 

((((((((HUGS))))))))


_____________________________

Cat

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain!

Laughter is an orgasm resulting from the intercourse between sense and nonsense.

(in reply to eroticBBWsub)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is MY need for closure important??? - 2/1/2007 3:42:40 PM   
bludemonn


Posts: 2619
Joined: 9/10/2006
Status: offline 		Dear Erotic, I know how you are feeling and you are not the only one who gets hurt and feels the need to have your say on this matter, one thing that your former D's behaviour should show you is that he isn't the one for you and as easy as that may sound it must be some comfort to you when you are dwelling on what happened and what may still be if you were together. It's also the same for many male subs who feel they are doing everything right just to be brushed aside and not even told the reason why, it's not exclusive to Masters only, Mistresses can be equally harsh.

I agree deep analysis of your whole life is not necessary atall and if anything will make you doubt eveything you do and say. He is the one who loses out on an obedient and loving person such as yourself, writing to him will only make you anticipate a response and if you don't get one then you will probably write again, end the cycle now, put this one down to experience of perhaps not knowing your Master as good as you thought you did.     

_____________________________

A hopeless dreamer she said, eyes of cloud and feet of lead.

(in reply to CollaredCat)
Profile   Post #: 39
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