MadRabbit
Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
|
The sheer fact alone that you made this post and openly admitted these things shows to me that you are going to be 100% OK.
Everything you described sounds like me at a point not too long ago in my life and to a degree, still is. I still struggle with these issues at times and probably will at many more times over the years to come.
The hardest part for me was opening my own eyes and taking a good look at myself and my own life. I was lucky to have a very wise and influental figure to help me with that and to help point me in the right direction. Ego and pride can be very blinding things and realizing that you dont really like a lot of things about yourself isnt easy. Some people go there entire lives and never grow.
So congratulations! You've taken the big step, accepted that there is bad things about yourself you need to change, and realized that you are a young and very imperfect human being! Sadly, the imperfect part probably wont ever change.
quote:
So here is my problem. Having used the internet as an escape from my own weaknesses, and hiding from my problems within my own delusions of grandeur (imagining myself as a strong-willed, physically and mentally strong, alltogether guy who is a bit sadistic to said slave), it turns out I tend live my life the exact opposite.
I went threw that same thing before I had the appifiny you are having now. I was undeniably a brat, a coward, and just an all around unlikeable person. I had zero control over my emotions as well. However, it wasnt the Internet but drugs. Weed mostly. Lots of weed. And lots of booze. Mix in some hard drugs as well for some variety. Whether the Internet or drugs, it was still the same problem. I was hiding from myself and my own problems rather than face them. Just come home, smoke a joint, have a few drinks, and then nothing really mattered. My entire world crumbled slowly around me, but I was safe in my own self indulgent reality I had created.
quote:
I have no faith in myself. I lack confidence. I'm overall indecisive, especially about big decisions, maybe just a bit too cautious? I constantly question myself and my actions, and often don't view myself as good enough.
Yes, I was plagued with that same thing.
Those three issues arent really seperate issues, but just one issue thats linked. Your lack of belief in yourself. Without confidence, without faith, you cant be decisive and you cant dominate. If you beleive your inferior, then you are inferior, not because you actually ARE inferior, but because you beleive you are. Its all in your head.
How did I get past it?
By having the moment that you are having right now. I decided I wanted to change myself and threw that, I developed a little bit of faith that I could change myself. Then I took steps to do it, little by little.
First the weed and drugs. All gone. It sucked at first. I had to find new ways to deal with the world. I just generally more of a fucked up ass then I was before. I learned how to meditate and began to use that as a substute. I grit my teeth and chose to face all my problems rather than hide from them. When I started to do that, I didnt need this artifical reality to cope with anymore. Knocking the booze out of my life after that and achieving soberity wasnt too hard after that. It really wasnt my thing. More the weed.
Step by little step I began to try and improve and do diffrent things. I made a budget and struggled to manage my money. I cleaned up my house and all the areas that had never cleaned. I cut my hair and cleaned myself up. I began to make a serious effort to be at work on time and to pay my bills on time. I made a list of goals, things that I wanted out of my life and said "Ok, this is where I want to go and not changing it like I have done a million other times regarding college and school!"
With each little step, I gained a little more confidence as I realized I could actually do this, that I was actually capable of becomming the person in my own fantasies. I found out that I could surprise myself and do things I had said "I cant do" before. Like quit smoking. Its going on 4 weeks now without a cigarette.
quote:
I have virtually no control of my emotions, a problem I have had since I was a child.
I had this problem too and still have it, but just in a less severe degree. Short of becomming a monk, I think everyone will have this problem from time the time, but rather as we grow and mature, we just have the problem less and less and with less and less severity. I learned to take a deep breathe and step away. To examine myself and why I was fealing these emotions and to understand and deal with the reason behind them. Not to fight them, but rather to accept that it was ok to feal the way I was and then to try and process it into something positive. Once again, meditation helps a lot. I also recommend the book "Who Is Pushing Your Buttons?" By John Townsend. Dont ignore the lessons in it just because its Christian inspired.
quote:
If so, how did you cope and could you offer any advise?
Stop trying to "cope". Coping is what I did with weed and alchocol. Dont cope with your problems. Accept them, face them, and then fix them. Coping is an instant "feal good". Trying to live happily however sometimes requires fealing like shit for a bit. I can say I am happy now, but dont always feal good. Before, I felt good all the time but wasnt happy.
quote:
I want to change for the better and start being the person I want to be, but every time I make progress it feels like I'm going one step forwards and two steps back.
Life is like that sometimes. But dont worry....if a fucked up, doped out, half drunk, bratty, childish loser like me can improve his own life some, you can do it too. Like I said, you have already done the hardest part.
I really hope this post didnt come off sounding like a self glorification, "Oh look at me and all my accomplishments" type thing. All I am trying to say is I've been there, been in a really bad spot, and things managed to get a lot better.
< Message edited by MadRabbit -- 1/30/2007 9:30:57 PM >
_____________________________
Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions
Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY
|
My Dominance, only a fantasy? Need advice. - 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread