exclusivity

exclusivity (Full Version)

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strikingpeach -> exclusivity (3/5/2005 2:20:10 PM)
I am new to this board and am curious about a trend I see in the profiles. Many times I see profiles from married women that have permission from their husbands to find a Dominant. But the woman insists that the Dominant not have any other submissives. I don't understand this. She has a husband, why would she care if her Dominant had other subs or perhaps a wife of his own. Thanks for any insight you can give me.

smilezz -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 2:31:58 PM)
Posessiveness? Bad relationship? wants someone of her very own and no one else? honestly, i wish i had an answer for that one....i don't. One thing you have to remember is: no two relationships are alike...everyone has their own variation and way of living. If that is the way a particular relationship works for them....so be it. It makes no sense to me, but i am not here to judge what other do...i could care less. I do firmly believe....Negotiation and Communication go hand in hand. What's good for me will not be good for you, and vice/versa. Happy Saturday!!! ~smilezz~

smilezz -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 2:33:22 PM)
Ohhh Yeah!! welcome to Collarme and the forums. Have fun! ~smilezz~

Tempestspet -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 2:38:26 PM)
sounds like she's just greedy. laughs... If the dom were allowed....which saying that alone make me laugh.... to have another sub or a wife. Then the greedy little wife who has permission to travel outside her marriage wouldn't be the star attraction anymore would she? Just my opinion, but that's all it sounds like to me. Tempest's pet

chainedgirl -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 5:03:49 PM)
First of all i would want to speak with said husband personally to find out if she does in deed have permission. As a poly person i cannot abide cheating, so whenever some one told me their partner agreed to them being involved with me, i'd say no problem, i'll just speak with her and...and then they'd be off. What i find disturbing here is that the submissive thinks they have a 'right' to demand anything of the Dominant. i mean, really, what are they wanting??? IF they want to be dominated, then surely they understand that that means they have no right to make such demands. All they have any 'right' to do is work out what their limitations are and stay within those limits. Or am i totally wrong on this one?

othiym -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 5:59:34 PM)
If they're just scening..a submissive has a right to set certain boundaries--though I don't understand what I can only assume is someone being possessive, im of the opinion it's within someone's rights to set boundaries before getting involved.

BeachMystress -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 6:20:11 PM)
I actually feel that you're slightly (not totally) wrong chainedgirl, and that a submissive has the right to expect (demand) of the Dominant, that anything agreed upon at the beginning of the relationship is not changed without discussion. I also feel that they have the right to expect (demand) that their hard limits are followed and that their safety is a concern to the Dominant. I understand your point about the sub dealing with things from the Dominant that they don't always like or find pleasant. Too often, a submissive brings their ego into the relationship, and it doesn't really belong in a strictly D/s relationship. I encourage possessiveness in my submissive because I'm building a life relationship with him and we are more than just D/s. I've never encouraged it in any of my other subs and any other sub knew either that I had another submissive at the time or planned to seek another. I was always careful that each sub got their fair share of the attention, so that neither could feel bad that way. (That is more just because I believe in fairness, than that they deserved it.) I've explained it in terms of having a dog at home. I may care for my dog, but when I'm out, I may throw a ball for a friend's dog, or pat a strange dog in the park. Maybe I took another dog out hunting, even though my dog was available, because my dog can't hunt. It doesn't take a thing away from my personal dog. My dog is still my dog. My dog is there to make me happy. Yes, it is an entity that deserves respect and being cherished, but it is also a possession. That analogy helped a lot of subs deal with the idea of sharing me.

BeachMystress -> RE: exclusivity (3/5/2005 6:51:16 PM)
Oh yeah, and I could respond to the original poster while I'm here, huh? I suspect that the woman is looking for an affair to find not only the Dominance missing in her relationship, but that part that makes her feel special and the center of a man's world. That can get lost after a while in an existing relationship. On the subject of her wanting to be his only, if a Dom is willing to do it, more power to both of them. He may have a reason to not want someone full time, be it a demanding job or a wife of his own. There are a lot of people out there who wish to serve or be served who are time limited. I do question that her husband is aware of her decision to seek outside their relationship. It does happen though.. I lived with a man for 8 years before he told me to go out, date, find romance and fall in love. During the first year of that, we still referred to each other as gf/bf just because we were so used to doing so. Now, about 4 years after he told me that, we are still close friends and still live together. He likes my sub (who he thinks is just my boyfriend), has been out to dinner with us, over at my subs house to work on his computer, and this past Thursday entertained my sub while I ran to a Dr's appt. It can be hard explaining the relationship to others. I wasn't quite sure what to say to my sub's family when I met them for the first time the other day. Sometimes, understanding another's relationship can be difficult when it is outside our normal expectations.

Jasmyn -> RE: exclusivity (3/6/2005 7:14:01 AM)
My first thought would be to minmise the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and actually think it is a very real and valid want from a woman or man seeking sexual d/s experiences outside their primary relationship. Jasmyn

liltxsubby -> RE: exclusivity (3/6/2005 11:11:35 AM)
i don't quite understand how a married woman could demand that her Dom have no other subs. If she can have ore than one, why couldn't he? That just seems unfair. Oh and demanding anything of a Dom seems like a bad idea anyway unless you're wanting a spanking. I suppose if she was honest from the start and explained everything to the Dom, and he agreed to the requests, then nothing would be wrong with it. Doesn't really matter what others think, if the two involved are happy that's all that should matter. As far as sharing a Dom, no thank you. [:'(] I'd be very upset if my Dom wanted to have another sub. Maybe i'm jealous and petty, but oh well. We're in a commited relationship and i'd feel betrayed if he had another. That's why i was very upfront about having no others when we first met, with a few exceptions. Since he's bi, we've both agreed that if Christian Slater or Brad Pitt or a number of juicy bits asked to join, we'd gladly let them for a little while. [:)]

CTclay -> RE: exclusivity (3/6/2005 12:56:16 PM)
If the woman expects to be having sex with the dominant, especially if she expects to be having sex with her husband as well, it seems to me that she's got every reason to demand that the dominant be exclusive to her. It's just a matter of not wanting to get (or, worse, pass on) a sexually transmitted disease. That's a legitimate issue to bring up before the relationship starts (as BeachMystress points out). Getting into a relationship with a dominant doesn't necessarily mean sex of course, but the women writing these profiles may not know that. Or they may not be careful in the way they're writing their profiles. I've had experiences like chainedgirl's with people who suddenly need to move on when I want to confirm that the spouse is OK with them playing with others.

killa413 -> RE: exclusivity (3/7/2005 1:21:36 PM)
There are disease concerns when there are multiple partners. There are also time concerns. When someone goes outside a marriage that they are still committed to, they tend to need to make sure that everyone is very focused on making the most of the time they have together. It's hard enough to work around 1 marriage, never mind 2, and then add in multiple submissives.... Odds are that you'd never see each other...so what would be the point? But basically it's a compatibility issue. It should have been discussed before entering into a formal arrangement to make sure the relationship is going to be healthy for both of you. If you both agreed to an essentially monogamous arrangement, any major changes need to be discussed to make sure it's not going to be harmful to either of you. Sometimes that can mean it's time to move on...

nella -> RE: exclusivity (3/7/2005 2:27:40 PM)
My general rule for my life is this. If you are going to be my lover, BDSM style or othervise, you will be only making love to me, or there will be not contact of boodly fluids. This is not up for discussion. That is how i see it.

PlayfulRaquel -> RE: exclusivity (3/7/2005 5:17:25 PM)
Maybe it is the husbands request as part of the deal in allowing her to seek others outside the marriage.

indydomme -> RE: exclusivity (3/8/2005 3:37:37 AM)
I am kinda torn on that issue. I am a dominant, and wouldn't well take to being demanded upon. However, if I felt that my being with other submissives would be damaging, psychologically, to my submissive, with whom I was in a serious committed relationship, I would not pursue others outside of that relationship. Not for short- or long-term. As far as the married woman wanting a Dom who is with no one else, yes, that is just jealousy and greed. She has no right to make THAT particular judgment call given her own situation. It's very hypocritical and I would find it very unappealing. I run across married men all the day long, "But I want to be YOUR slave!!" But how in the hell can you be my slave, devoted to me 24/7, give me everything I want and need, and be completely mine in every way if you're married??? You can't, go away. I don't understand the mentality. But that's just me. Thanks. Miss Erin

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