When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as it was.

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All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as it was.

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When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as it ... - 2/1/2007 10:45:23 AM

scarlettuk

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Joined: 1/16/2007
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I understand this subject may well have been covered in the past but I was unable to find any threads about it to help me through a slightly tough time. Any help/advice is most welcome and also wondering if this is something others also have gone through.

Am not in a 24/7 D/s relationship and Master knows about the vanilla side of my life and has no objections as long as I remain honest with him.

An incident happened which although have discussed with Master He feels inappropriate to go into full detail here.
I was left feeling shattered and shocked plus of having dishonoured Master in some way.

Master had previously warned me that as our d/s relationship developed I would start to notice a difference between that and the vanilla one.
What I hadn't been prepared for was the depth of the emotional disturbance it caused me. A small thing like having my hair stroked brought on feelings of sickness and disgust as it wasn't Master nor how he touches my hair.

It's been even harder as Master is away dealing with a family crisis so have hated to burden him with additional problems. Yet we spoke for a long period this morning hearing his voice and words of comfort have helped.
To know he was fully prepared for this to happen to me but not to the extent with which it has hit me now, is good.He gave me some adivice on how to cope today which helped. Plus suggested by asking others could be a way of guiding me through this period.

Not sure if I'm explaining myself well so please don't be too harsh in replies. No doubt this has happened to others and am wondering how you coped with this.

I'm having to take a little time out now to re-evalute myself and just how I'm going to blend the essential vanilla life with that of my D/s relationship with Master whilst He is away dealing with the family illness.
There are a few vanilla friends who I know will not be able to deal with this and others who I'm uncertain about.
Master has no wish to dictate who I may and may not be friends with due to us not being 24/7 and friends are important in times when he's not able to be here. Nor does he want me to cut ties from friends merely to please him. Obviously though He doesn't like the idea of me going through the emotional turmoil I currently am.

Being submissive feels natural to me and at the same time of great importance.
One reason for using the forums is to help me in my journey in d/s.
Master was the one who insisted I join CM so that help/advice etc is available to me in times when needed.

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 10:48:29 AM

KatyLied

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Even if you were 24/7 you should have other people in your life. Are you under the impression that a 24/7 relationship is something that does not include vanilla elements? That sounds like fantasy-thinking.

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 10:48:36 AM

mixielicous

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Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
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are you leading a double love life here? am i getting this right?

well i wont go into what i would have to say about that but i am sure you could fathom

but if not, what is stopping you from combining the two lives?

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 10:58:42 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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First, does your vanilla partner know about your Master? If not, that's another topic of conversation. But, let's assume they do...

Sometimes, we go through "not the mama!" phases. This means we are very aware that the partner we are with is not the partner we'd rather be with at the moment. When that happens, try to remember what you like about the partner you're currently with and revisit those things. Don't try to get them or expect them to be the one you're NOT with.

You can't honestly expect your vanilla partner to be, or treat you like, your Master. Think about why you're with him and concentrate on those things. Having more than one person in your life is like that...each is different and wonderful in their own way.

Master Fire

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 10:58:46 AM

scarlettuk

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No fantasy involved Katylied just a sudden realisation of the depth of my feelings with regard to d/s. More a case of trying to combining both d/s and vanilla. Know that both parts are essential in my life.

mixielious no double life as not something I would do. The incident was an ex b/f whom I still see at a dance club touched my hair which caused me to feel the way I do. Up till now combining d/s and vanilla hasn't presented me any problems.

Was wondering more how others dealth with how deeply d/s has affected them in the transition from full vanillia life to a mix of both.

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 11:01:05 AM

mstrjx

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Yes, I too am having difficulty determining whether you have a vanilla lover as well as your Master (but I think not). I think your question has to do with your awakening feelings about your 'condition'.

Many of my partners over the years discovered their interests and me at about the same time (their interests first, as that is how they found me).

There is no question that discovering yourself and trying to cope with the 'real world' is difficult. You say that your friends might not understand (or worse), so discussing things with them can be problematic. Many people will look to create friendships with an entirely different set of friends, for instance other submissive women. So, you can have two sets of friends, if you like. Using the forums for that can be a substitute, but many people like having someone who knows them and their circumstance a little better.

Be careful in how thinking about yourself and your new life affects your responsibilities. It has occurred to me more than once that partners of mine lost their focus in the 'real world' to an extent that they couldn't concentrate at work and went on to lose jobs. This was not at all due to me calling and teasing them during the day (as I was off traveling and working, myself). It was just them getting caught up in the newness of what they discover about themselves.

I'm not trying to warn or scare you, per se. Our individual 'journeys' need to be watched, and self-documented. See what is happening to you, and try to discover where it is coming from. Certainly discuss these things with your partner, but also get to know yourself better as well.

Jeff

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 11:25:11 AM

juliaoceania

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It is my opinion that trying to separate out my relationship with the rest of my life is just not possible. I usually do not think in terms of "this is vanilla, this is not, never shall the twain meet"... to me in my way of thinking that would psychologically "split" me in a nonproductive way. In our relationship we just are what we are... the labels trail back behind us because in our view if it were not this way, then we live by the label instead of how we truly desire.

Everyone has different ideas about what their vanilla life is as opposed to their dynamic... as long as it does not make you unhappy, then I say your categories work for you... keep on keeping on!

I am confused about much of your post, so perhaps I am mistaken about what you were trying to convey... are you saying that when master touches your hair in what you perceive as a "vanilla" way it disgusts you? Is there someone else touching your hair? I am trying to understand... if it is what you perceive as "vanilla" infecting your dynamic...I do not know how you feel, I have not experienced this fear, sickness, or disgust personally. I love it when he desires to be affectionate with me and I do not see it as a vanilla thing.. it is just a human thing.. but we all have different needs and feelings.. one person's needs are different from another's.

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 11:28:44 AM

juliaoceania

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quote:

Be careful in how thinking about yourself and your new life affects your responsibilities. It has occurred to me more than once that partners of mine lost their focus in the 'real world' to an extent that they couldn't concentrate at work and went on to lose jobs. This was not at all due to me calling and teasing them during the day (as I was off traveling and working, myself). It was just them getting caught up in the newness of what they discover about themselves.

I was in my senior year when I discovered myself, and it was extraordinarily hard to keep my GPA up.... add in senioritus and it almost caused me to ditch my homework and my papers....lol. I kept on keeping on though.

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Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 11:59:14 AM

scarlettuk

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Thanks for the replies and I do suspect my op was not very clear. I know what is in my head but getting into words isn't the easiest of things. My apologies for this.

mstrjx has hit the nail on the head with the statement "awakening feelings about my condition"

The forums are a starting place but no substitute for having r/t friends that know about the new directions my life has taken for me.

I keep a personal journal as a record of the changes I'm going through day by day.

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Yesterday is gone so forget it merely learn from any mistakes you made.

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RE: When you realise vanilla life no longer the same as... - 2/1/2007 2:20:36 PM

LaMspeach

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From: Philadelphia area, PA
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It wasn't too long ago that i went through my feelings awakening. I was sitting at my nephews Birthday Party and looked around realizing not one person in the room truly knew me. I could never be myself with these people, they would never understand. They were talking about things they did over the weekend, how could I possible tell them what I had done over the weekend. *smiles* I also went through a period where I had trouble letting anyone else touch me. I don't mean sexually, I mean just a hug , a pat on the head, I couldn't even dance with friends, It just felt wrong. I am not exactly sure why all of these feeling just started popping up but i do know that the more i except myself and my submission the easier it became. Master and I also talked about these feelings which helped a lot.

I don't really have any advice ... Just letting you know that your not alone and in time it does get easier.

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