|
RPutnamJr -> RE: Sabotaging my own happiness (2/3/2007 8:29:12 AM)
|
Being that I'm a teacher, I might have something to add to this subject along with some solutions. There seems to be several issues as to why you are failing at such a simple task as saying please all the time.
First is the learning of proper manners and etiquette that he desires from you. Consider this, you spend probably more time in the vanilla world than with your Master. Thus you don't have to ask please may I or say yes/no Sir either. My question to you is are you having problems with the Sir/Master aspect of submission? I would suspect yes if he requires it. I agree with Moonspirit43 that its a matter of repetition. But part of the problem is that you don't have to ask please in your vanilla life verses your submissive life. After all if you go to work and say may I please speak or please go to the bathroom, people would look at you kinda funny, especially if they are a subordinate at work. Then add to all that all the years of bad habit training that you have had from society prior to coming to your submissive side.
Show of hands how many people actually say "Yes Sir/Ma'am" verses yes, ya, ok, ah huh, etc. I admit I was taught proper manners from my mother (grew up with her in the South), but they were not required by my father, thus they were quickly dropped when living and growing up mostly with him. Then when I went into the military, I had a problem picking them back up, not from not being taught by my mother in the first place or again it being expected of me in the military but from the laziness of not being required from me by my father and society as a whole and all those years of bad training of it not being required. You are being required to adopt something you know logically you can do but society as a whole has not required it and thus has led to years of bad habits that must be overcome before good and proper training can implant itself. Thus you might want to start with something that you do good in your submissive life and add it to your vanilla tasks. Or visa versa from your vanilla life to your submissive life. Yes Sir/Ma'am is usually easy and does not cause too many eyes to be raised in the weird since. If anybody askes can always explain it away by wanting to use/learn proper form/manners/ettiquette and it was suggested by your teacher to use it...say you are taking ettiquette classes.
Consider this, why does the military have boot camp? Everything they teach you can be taught in a matter of days. Boot camp is mainly to induct you into the proper form of doing things the military way verses the civilian way. To get you to start following orders without questioning those orders and putting your needs above the military's needs. After all who cares how you fold your clothing? The military teaches you though how to fold your clothes. Its about the mental process verses the actual task. Which leads to another issue you may be having.
Second that you are having problems transitioning from vanilla life to submissive life. This is especially true from submissives that are dominant at work, the more so the harder it is. My solution is to not leave work until you can leave your work at work. The next thing I would suggest is that you listen to classical music on the way home. Classical music is soothing and calming. Listen to some tapes that have sounds of the ocean or forest on them. Make a CD of whatever calms you, not necessarily something that lifts your spirits. Then start thinking about anything but work or all the things you have to accomplish when you get home. The idea is to put you in a submissive frame of mind and to leave your problems behind. To find peace and tranquility...slow down. Its time to stop and smell the flowers. Consider all the good and beautiful things in your life and to release the negative. Smile and take a deep breath. Do whatever gets you into the proper frame of submissive frame of mind, so as to please your Master when you are with him. Think of what you can do to make his life better. This goes for Masters too after all submission can be hard work also as Moonspirit43 points out.
Another solution is to take a vacation and work on proper form and ettiquette that your Master requires from you. Just practicing those things that you are having problems with. After all, how are you supposed to develope good habits if you are still currently practicing the bad habits in your vanilla life. And on top of that spending more time in the vanilla world than the submissive one. Even the military's boot camp is 24/7 for several weeks/months in order to beak bad habits acquired in civilian life.
This then leads to the third thing I see as a problem. That is the method of training you. Some people respond to different training in different ways. And how you train/learn can affect you in different ways with different consequences.
This might be a little embarrassing to me, but I do believe it serves a purpose and also illistrates my point. When I was little, 1st/2nd grade, I still wet the bed at night. This was not a conscious decision by me, I would just go to bed normally and then wake up in the morning and my bed would be wet or not...simple as that. My mother's solution to this problem was to punish me for wetting the bed, usually with a spanking or two or three...you get the idea. I always wanted to avoid the spanking so I would lie to her if I had wet the bed that night. Since I lied she would send my older brother to go check. He would rat me out and tell the truth. Which then led to further spankings for lying to her. So then I started trying to hide the fact that I had wet the bed, to various degrees of success, thus avoiding the spanking at times.
So what did the spankings teach me? Nothing except to lie and cover up the truth. Yes they were punishment, but they led to unintended and I would say worse consequences than a child wetting the bed and that is lying and deception. Now if you are also the type of person who loves spankings...is that truely punishment? You might unconsciously disobey to be punished and thus rewarded for your disbehavior.
Your Master may need to adjust his training methods to fit your style of learning. Some learn through punishment some through rewards. And the punishments may need to be adjusted accordingly same with rewards. Thus as a punishment he might want to stick you in a cage for 5 minutes...kinda like a time out for a child, so you can think of what you did wrong. Or maybe keep a chart of what you do right verses wrong, put a star up when you do good and after so many stars you get a reward or something. Salesmen do it all the time charting their sales compared to other salesmen. Goals and tasks must be reasonable though and not impossible, nor too easy either. I would not expect a baby to do multiplication, but I would expect more from a adult than simple multiplication. If all you get is negativity then that is bad, consider companies that hand out awards and bonuses. Praise can be just as powerful as punishment. And don't forget to stick the chart on the refrigerator, so you can see your progress all the time. Might have to stick it on the back of the closet door though if it gets kinky...winks.
I would like to add at this point before I forget that I did stop wetting the bed by 4th grade, when my step-father came into the picture and started getting me up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. My father and grandfather then continued getting me up when I went to live with them eventually, And one day the problem just went away. Just wanted to make that clear to everybody...I do not continue to wet the bed anymore. Sometimes its just finding a solution to the problem (or growing a large enough bladder to contain the problem until you do wake up in the morning). Who knows what truely solved it, but punishments/rewards did not do it in this case.
This does though lead to a fourth concern. Which is what are the consequences of you not learning to say please? Your Master gets upset and that is reasonable, after all we all get upset when faced with disappointment, especially in ones we love and care about. What my concern though is the frustration factor on his part that affects the submissive side of you. Are you loosing respect for him by him acting out his frustrations in front of you? Or even on you?
Getting back to my prior example, I would say that my mother (single divorced mom) was frustrated first with a child that kept wetting the bed at that age and then with me lying to her about it. Since her only solution was punishment/reward more the punishment side of things, I ended up resenting her for it. Still do, despite loving her. And yes once it got so bad she was brought up in front of a judge in private chambers to answer for it. And to set the record straight, the judge did ask me if I wanted to send my mother to jail...something looking back should have happened and should have never been my decision to make in the first place. I though stuck by my mother and said no. We moved shortly thereafter out of state. Luckily for me I eventually I ran away to go back and live with my father, who was very stable and loving (not sexually).
The two years though that I had lived with my mother did leave a lasting negative long-term affect on me and this is my point of bringing it up again. I do not respect authority over me unless it is earned verses demanded. The more somebody tells me what to do the more I rebel against it. Thus my true Dominant side, I'm a Capricorn, stubborn and can dig my heels in very nicely, especially when pushed or when I feel strongly about something. My ex thought it was a dealing with women as a whole issue, but I had the same problem when in the military. It has to do with authority pure and simple.
Manipulation can happen in several ways directly and indirectly. Men are more direct, in your face, women though are masters of the indirect route so much so that men don't really understand how it happened until it has already happened if done properly. Being that you are submissive and that if you confront your master about your concerns and inadequacies that you feel, he may feel that you are challenging his authority over you. Topping from the Bottom. So how do you get across what you need in the proper way and place without confronting him directly and making him seem like a fool or in questioning his authority in the process. If you cannot go in the front door then its best to go in the back door or window or chimney, whatever works to accomplish the goal or task.
Since you always get more with honey than vinegar I would suggest buttering him up a little before presenting any problems or solutions that contradict what he is trying to teach you. As all women should know men have two brains, and yes they contradict each other all the time. Thus you have to talk to both if you really want him to listen to what you have to say, especially if you want your way that contradicts his way. Us men are such suckers at times.
I would suggest you use your submissive feminine skills when you bring up any of these solutions. You hopefully know what they are...sexy dress and lingerie, the lowering of the head and eyes, shuffling of the feet, nervousness, hesitation, slight crooked smile, batting of the eyes, playing with the hair (ours and yours), etc...all those things you know us men fall for in women, if not learn them. Men are much more agreeable when both minds are thinking than when just one is doing all the thinking. We will agree to just about anything including murder at those times. Once we are in a good agreeable mood then you can present your problems/solutions, in a quiet soothing way. If all else fails...beg. But whatever you do do not raise your voice and confront us directly in a power struggle...you will always loose more than you gain. And never do it out in public in front of others...unless its a true emergency.
As for the dirty talk...I would try and find out his motivations for it. Is it so that he can get hard and excited? Is it to expand your ability to communicate your desires to him better? Or is it so that you will break some inhibitions that society has taught you are taboo?
If it is the for him to get excited, then my suggestion is to close your eyes and imagine what you would like him to do to you. Just discribe it as you think it. Use props if you have to. Rub yourself. If you tell him that you imagine yourself sucking his cock, stick something in your mouth and suck on it. Dress up in a costume or whatever. Pictures are worth a thousand words.
Maybe the whole idea is just to let him know what your true limitations and how far you wish to push things. After all if he gives you a spanking...how hard is too hard unless you tell him harder or not that hard...don't forget the please.
Then again maybe its just to see what your imagination and fantasies are. In which case you might be able to convince him to let you write it down and give to him in detail rather than speak it. Especially if you are shy and easily embarrased and unable to communicate those desires to him verbally.
Until you know what his motivations are behind the dirty talk, you will not know why he requests it from you. I hope this helps,
Robert
|
|
|
|
