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RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 2:33:58 PM

Cyis75

Posts: 164
Joined: 8/31/2004
From: Georgia
Status: offline

I pretty much gave up keeping track of how many flakes I've encountered throughout the years... I just take much more pride in the fact I've never stood up anyone who's planned to meet me, as I value my word too much to do otherwise. The internet gives an aire of anonymity that allows people to put forth a persona they feel they can't in person. So flakes will abound, it's the rare uncut gems out there that I'll be looking to uncover. Whether it's BDSM or plain vanilla personal site you're gonna see a high number of flakes in comparison to those that are really looking to connect offline.

It's for this reason I prefer to keep my activities offline and use online as nothing more than an additional communication medium like a cell phone or pager. I can say I met my beloved fiance online, but it never started out as anything resembling what it is today. Nor to mention the fact she moved several thousand miles to be with me. I still don't put much faith in finding someone online even after sampling sucess... I do end up meeting a lot of new people that I talk with online, in fact I have many long term friends that I've kept in touch with over the years online, but I'm not looking for anything more out of it than that. If something should evolve out of it then it's both our gain rather than striving for it and suffering a loss. I guess it's a lot like seeing the glass half empty or half full if you will.

If someone is local I do like to try and meet up face to face for drinks, be it alcoholic or caffinated, but it's not always possible. I just don't tend to put forth any large amount of effort into anything evolving if that can't happen. Way I look at it if someone can't meet up for a free drink, where all they're possibly losing is a few minutes out of their day, to talk why should I put forth much more than they are. From these simple meetings I've met many more that I call friends still today and talk with either in person, phone or online regularly.

I guess my approach is slightly different in that I don't go out expecting to find "The One" and that it's going to go off like fireworks and just take life as it comes. Making as many friends and aquaintances along the way as I can. I find I have far less regrets and many more rewards. Just a lil food for thought and my opinion on the subject so season with salt to taste.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 21

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 5:37:30 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

You can not give personal information here on the forums. There is too high a risk that unscrupulous people could do so just to smear the reputation of someone that is not deserving of a bad rep.

Really? Not being sarcastic, but are you a moderator? I'm new here, and really have no idea who the moderators are, and I'm not trying to flame anyone, but someone's web alias is not really personal information.

I still say you should say who it is... if it's "allowed" here... Just my two cents...

< Message edited by Praevalens -- 3/7/2005 5:49:51 PM >

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 22

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 9:07:44 PM

GentleLady

Posts: 356
Joined: 2/1/2005
Status: offline

mistoferin

Thank goodness you played that as safe as you did setting up the first meeting. you hear about things like that but you never really believe it can happen to you until too late.

_____________________________

All things are possible to those who have patience, try, and are willing to learn.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 23

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 9:22:25 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Praevalens
Really? Not being sarcastic, but are you a moderator? I'm new here, and really have no idea who the moderators are, and I'm not trying to flame anyone, but someone's web alias is not really personal information.

I still say you should say who it is... if it's "allowed" here...

Mistoferin may not be a moderator but she has been here long enough to know the rules. This actually is a common question and the mods have been unwavering in their opinion.

BTW, the moderators are easy to identify because they use nicknames such as Moderator One, Moderator Two, Moderator Three.... etc.

(in reply to Praevalens)

Post #: 24

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 10:36:08 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Really? Not being sarcastic, but are you a moderator? I'm new here, and really have no idea who the moderators are, and I'm not trying to flame anyone, but someone's web alias is not really personal information.

"Personal information - Please do not give out any personal information about another user. This includes but is not limited to any other names they may/may not have on the collarme or on any other websites, their personal name, phone number, email address or instant messenger ID."

That is a direct quote taken from the forum guidelines located right at the top to this board. It is generally best to read the rules of a site regarding what can and can not be posted.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Praevalens)

Post #: 25

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 10:38:51 PM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Thank goodness you played that as safe as you did setting up the first meeting. you hear about things like that but you never really believe it can happen to you until too late.

Thank you GentleLady. I certainly would have never thought that it would happen. I really thought I had done everything right in the way I had set it up. Going to a place I was known, setting up safe calls. Just goes to show that we are all vulnerable, regardless of our experience levels.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to GentleLady)

Post #: 26

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/7/2005 10:50:04 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

In my opinion... YES! You should say who it was... Don't know if the moderators would agree, but maybe you could check with them first... make sure it wouldn't be seen as a "flame"...

Clearly another "Genius" who agreed to the Terms of Service when they joined but didn't actually READ them.

What you think and what is TOS here, are clearly two differant things. And the Moderators don't agree with you, and that's who counts around here. As has been recently reiterated, we are not governed by "Mob Rule".

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to Praevalens)

Post #: 27

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 2:45:15 AM

MistressJadeMTL

Posts: 168
Joined: 12/18/2004
From: Montreal, Canada
Status: offline

Greetings,

Just thought I would throw inmy 2¢ worth...

I have made it a point during my search for submissives to not consider anyone that is not from my local area of Montreal, unless they already travel to the city regularly. I specifically tell prospective subs in my profile that I am not looking to have anyone relocate for me. I do NOT get involved in cyber relationships and totally avoid private chats and only occasionally drop by the CollarMe Lobby chat just to socialize and I usually turn away all PMs.

I also make it a point to only meet people at events that I plan on attending anyway, such as at a monthly munch; that way I am not really inconvenienced if they do not show. I also encourage them to attend one, even if they don't click with me, as they will meet other BDSM-related people such as other potential Dominants and fellow submissives. In many cases it might be there first *real* contact with other kinksters and will give them a taste of the community.

So far, I count myself lucky in that this approach has worked for me, but I still trust my instincts and would never travel out of my way to meet with someone or have them travel long distances just to meet me.

Strangely enough, despite being absolutely clear about this in my CollarMe profile, I've still received tons of email from subs as far away as the UK, Italy, Germany, Belgium, Romania, Czechoslovakia, Turkey, and even down under from New Zealand and Australia. Seems being unable to read a profile properly is a still a global problem and is not just restricted to North Americans! <sigh>

Keep your head up and don't give in... It might seem overwhelming just after a major disappointment, but that which does not kill us is supposed to make us stronger and wiser. Someone's suggestion on considering alternative local activities in case of an out-of-town no-show is also a good one...

_____________________________

~ Mistress Jade Dragon

HeadMistress - FemDomme Society of Canada: http://FemDommeSociety.ca
Montreal BDSM/Fetish Calendar of events: http://ClubFetish.ca/calendar
Blog - Adventures of a HeadMistress - http://femdommesociety.ca/HeadMistress_Jade

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 28

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 10:10:42 AM

shay

Posts: 63
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

The really sad part is the ones who play at this (the chat and the emotional ties developed) are the same ones who make it hard on the real ones of us who are seriously out there looking. It doesnt take that much to pick up a phone, or a last minute email and come up with some kind of reason why they are backing out at the last minute. I dont think a true submissive or slave COULD stand up a dominant and sleep that night. And honestly I dont think there is any excuse for this kind of behavior. It happens, far too often. It SHOULDN'T but it does.

Im sorry You went through this. I was afraid it might happen. But dont give up. Dont give in. That right one IS out there.

hugs~
Shay

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 29

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 3:07:26 PM

ScooterTrash

Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Wow...I had no idea there were so many with similar experiences. The ironic part is I met my wife and Co-Dominant on line, but as someone else mentioned about their successful on-line encounter..that was a while back. As for mistoferins experience, getting stood up could be perceived as a blessing in disguise, I am so glad it didn't turn out any worse for her. I do appreciate the suggestions, as I would imagine do those who read the posts for such valuable information. I certainly will continue to use the net as a means to contact "potentials" and although I have had some unpleasant outcomes, actually I have met many kinksters which I would not have, had it not been for this media we do so enjoy these days. Thanks again for the inputs.

_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to Cyis75)

Post #: 30

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 3:27:05 PM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

The ironic part is I met my wife and Co-Dominant on line, but as someone else mentioned about their successful on-line encounter..that was a while back.

Hey, lets not forget shay and gentle_giant, we met them online and not so long ago. Granted gentle_giant might be a pain in the butt on occasion but I make up for that everytime he hands me a new "tool of destruction"... lol

I'm just saying that real timers are out there and we intend to keep looking and trying.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 31

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 3:50:55 PM

GrandpaLash

Posts: 133
Joined: 1/8/2005
Status: offline

I must be extraordinarily lucky, or good at winnowing, or perhaps Australia hasn't been so infected yet. ALL of the r/t submissives I have Dommed I have met on-line (about a dozen or so), various sites (none from here - yet LOL), and the only time I have been stood-up I fully expected to be, just had to give her a chance to prove me wrong, and it was no great inconvenience as it gave me a chance to take my primary slave out to dinner.

What I have noticed this most recent time I have been searching is that there seem to be far less options than before, but perhaps that's because I have been in the same city for nearly 2 years now.

But I have certainly come across a fair share of game players on-line for all that, I just don't seem to get sucked in too easily. Lucky me.

Grandpa Lash

_____________________________

Sex without D/s is about as pointless as D/s without sex

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 32

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 5:26:08 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

First of all Scooter, sorry to hear you had one of those experiences.

I've had a similar experience, someone I met on a non-kink site actually, but I only travelled 5 metro stops and I ended up having a lovely conversation with the man who sitting beside me at the bar. So in the end, not so bad.

A few comments on points Jade made:

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressJadeMTL
I have made it a point during my search for submissives to not consider anyone that is not from my local area of Montreal, unless they already travel to the city regularly. I specifically tell prospective subs in my profile that I am not looking to have anyone relocate for me. I do NOT get involved in cyber relationships and totally avoid private chats and only occasionally drop by the CollarMe Lobby chat just to socialize and I usually turn away all PMs.

It's Montrealers only for me. I will however make online friends and have made many, but I will not entertain a long distance affair nor will I let someone relocate for me.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressJadeMTL
I also make it a point to only meet people at events that I plan on attending anyway, such as at a monthly munch; that way I am not really inconvenienced if they do not show. I also encourage them to attend one, even if they don't click with me, as they will meet other BDSM-related people such as other potential Dominants and fellow submissives. In many cases it might be there first *real* contact with other kinksters and will give them a taste of the community.

I'm not a fan of munches. Now and then I'll go to a party. But to be honest, I've met people at events or play spaces/parties in the past and overall had good experiences. However, I actually prefer meeting someone one on one first. And the reason is simple: I prefer to be more in control of the situation and be able to leave it and retain a certain amount of distance if necessary.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressJadeMTL
So far, I count myself lucky in that this approach has worked for me, but I still trust my instincts and would never travel out of my way to meet with someone or have them travel long distances just to meet me.

I have travelled long distances in the past (up to 750 km) and though I have no regrets about the meeting I've had, I don't wish to go down that path again, and only because when if it actually does click, it sucks afterwards to be in a long distance relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressJadeMTL
Strangely enough, despite being absolutely clear about this in my CollarMe profile, I've still received tons of email from subs as far away as the UK, Italy, Germany, Belgium, Romania, Czechoslovakia, Turkey, and even down under from New Zealand and Australia. Seems being unable to read a profile properly is a still a global problem and is not just restricted to North Americans! <sigh>

I think this is very common.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressJadeMTL
Keep your head up and don't give in... It might seem overwhelming just after a major disappointment, but that which does not kill us is supposed to make us stronger and wiser. Someone's suggestion on considering alternative local activities in case of an out-of-town no-show is also a good one...

I agree. I don't let a few bad apples spoil the bushel. That said, I'm very, very picky about who I chose to meet.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to MistressJadeMTL)

Post #: 33

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 6:21:34 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onceburned

quote:

ORIGINAL: Praevalens
Really? Not being sarcastic, but are you a moderator? I'm new here, and really have no idea who the moderators are, and I'm not trying to flame anyone, but someone's web alias is not really personal information.

I still say you should say who it is... if it's "allowed" here...

Mistoferin may not be a moderator but she has been here long enough to know the rules. This actually is a common question and the mods have been unwavering in their opinion.

BTW, the moderators are easy to identify because they use nicknames such as Moderator One, Moderator Two, Moderator Three.... etc.

Thanks onceburned... I guess it's not just me then... There's another thread regarding someone that's been threatening some people, and their children, and they are being told the same thing. It's just too bad that nothing can be done here...

(in reply to onceburned)

Post #: 34

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 6:32:38 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

Really? Not being sarcastic, but are you a moderator? I'm new here, and really have no idea who the moderators are, and I'm not trying to flame anyone, but someone's web alias is not really personal information.

"Personal information - Please do not give out any personal information about another user. This includes but is not limited to any other names they may/may not have on the collarme or on any other websites, their personal name, phone number, email address or instant messenger ID."

That is a direct quote taken from the forum guidelines located right at the top to this board. It is generally best to read the rules of a site regarding what can and can not be posted.

You're absolutely right. As I was meandering through here I went right past the forum guidlines... It does say that I can disagree though...

< Message edited by Praevalens -- 3/8/2005 7:15:14 PM >

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 35

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/8/2005 6:41:57 PM

Praevalens

Posts: 9
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ProtagonistLily

quote:

In my opinion... YES! You should say who it was... Don't know if the moderators would agree, but maybe you could check with them first... make sure it wouldn't be seen as a "flame"...

Clearly another "Genius" who agreed to the Terms of Service when they joined but didn't actually READ them.

What you think and what is TOS here, are clearly two differant things. And the Moderators don't agree with you, and that's who counts around here. As has been recently reiterated, we are not governed by "Mob Rule".

Lily

A quote from the Terms of Service:

Criticism - Please keep criticism to a minimum. While disagreement is okay inflammatory comments aka flaming, humiliating and belittling other users is not acceptable.

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 36

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/9/2005 7:29:09 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Praevalens

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

Really? Not being sarcastic, but are you a moderator? I'm new here, and really have no idea who the moderators are, and I'm not trying to flame anyone, but someone's web alias is not really personal information.

"Personal information - Please do not give out any personal information about another user. This includes but is not limited to any other names they may/may not have on the collarme or on any other websites, their personal name, phone number, email address or instant messenger ID."

That is a direct quote taken from the forum guidelines located right at the top to this board. It is generally best to read the rules of a site regarding what can and can not be posted.

You're absolutely right. As I was meandering through here I went right past the forum guidlines... It does say that I can disagree though...

You can disagree, just not disobey. Well, you can, it just won’t be tolerated.

Actually I find the rule excellent. Once you open the door to people "outing" one another, you open the door to vendetta postings and reputation ruining. There are plenty of sites on the internet devoted to that. I'm not sure what they are because to be honest, I like to make my own opinion of people, but I'm sure a few people around here are familiar with them. [here's your cue, whoever you are].

There are also positive attempts to counteract some of the negative side effects of players. One that I am familiar with is www.verifiedbdsm.com which was started by our very own Taggard.

Another way is to check talk with local people, though this might not always be efficient as not everyone wants to be part of a public scene. For example, I know about 10 people in my local scene and attend events every 2 months at the most, and that only for the last year. People have "seen" me but few actually "know" me.

So be careful of where you get your info and from who. My goal is not to make anyone paranoid, but remember that everyone has agendas.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Praevalens)

Post #: 37

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/9/2005 11:47:30 AM

mystnangel

Posts: 7
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

I'm really sorry you had that experience ScooterTrash. It is beyond rude and offensive for someone to stand a person up let alone allow them to travel so far. It's like saying, hey, I don't want ya to just jump off a cliff, let's see if I can find you the higher one!

Still, I find a lot of value in online sites and in talking to people from here. I've learned so much and I'm nice and safe on the other side of my computer. Many from here have helped me with their advice. It actually changed the perception of my world, and placed me on a better path. I am very grateful and, when time allows, I haunt these boards even though I don't respond to much.

I'm still in the resolution part of my own life and have a humorous hands-off kind of message on my profile just so I can remain part of collarme without dealing with all the fakes and preditors.

Anywho, I do digress quite nicely, don't I? All this to simply say, like with everything else in life, we must be cautious and discerning. I wish you blessings and luck, but don't give up on whatever you seek. Not everyone is fake.

ShiftedJewels wrote a lovely message on honesty. I am still working on being as open as she is, for as much as I try to be honest, ommission sometimes comes into play. I just won't say anything rather than be too open... too open can breed hurt. However, I am honest about saying, I won't respond to that.

So I guess I'm on the right track, eh?

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 38

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/9/2005 5:24:08 PM

caitlyn

Posts: 3473
Joined: 12/22/2004
Status: offline

I really like this site a lot ... enjoy reading the message board and every so often even like hanging out in the chat room (like, every three months)

It seems to me though that there are much better places to meet people than online, and if you pick this kind of format you better be ready for some negative experiences.

Not all that different from offline when you really think about it ... or even in the vanilla environment. If you're just dating, like me ... there is a much better chance of meeting someone you like if you met through friends, or met at a a church function, or meet in class ... and less of a chance of meeting someone you like if you hook up at a rave. It's just a question of numbers. Probably half the people you meet at a rave are only interested in what they can get tonight.

Then again, I have two friends that have a kick butt relationship and they met at a rave ... which just shows that anything is possible and you can't give up on any way to meet people.

Maybe the best thing to do is try a lot of different ways to find that right person, and have expectations in proportion to the potential for success. That way, you can look without limiting your search area, but at the same time not feel so bad about negative events like this one ... cuz like finding the man of you dreams at a rave, it is unlikely, but does happen, and knowing that going in lets you dance your butt off without feeling so bad.

caitlyn

< Message edited by caitlyn -- 3/9/2005 5:27:17 PM >

(in reply to mystnangel)

Post #: 39

RE: No one is immune from players - 3/11/2005 7:55:21 AM

resademilo

Posts: 29
Joined: 1/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

... newbies tend to set up more extreme meetings, not simple dinner dates...be warned, if experienced Dom/Dommes can be fooled..do not think you can't be.

It's a shame when anyone is deceived but deception isn't just on the Newbie level. When i first came into the BDSM life i wanted to be a good sub and do what i figured was right. But i had Dominants who had references who always wanted to rush into things.

The old "lets meet in public and if we like each other lets head right over to the hotel." ::shakes her head::

It really was a sad thing that i came close to falling for that but for the grace of good people in our alternative community they warned me that i was being pushed to fast.

And sadly when i made this clear to the first Dominant that did this he declared "you're fake and it's people like you that ruin this community."

At that point i probably would have walked away had it not been for other friends in kink that supported me.

So all this to say there are posers and victims in all the levels of experience.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you ScooterTrash but i want everyone to know it's not just the experienced that suffer from being rushed or deceived.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)

Post #: 40

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