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Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 3:23:12 PM

MidnightWriter

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Joined: 2/8/2005
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Being relatively new to the "meet online" venue, rather than just "chat and exchange ideas" online thing that I'm more used to, I've got a question about traditions here.

I've seen it mentioned that several weeks of email/telephone before the first F2F meeting was rushing things. I can understand a protracted online/phone courting period before extended travel to meet someone, but as my focus is on people within an hour's drive of me, I don't understand the point of such extensive discussion before meeting.

Much of this is, to many, about initial attraction - else, we wouldn't have pictures, height/weight notes, etc. in our profiles. Some of attraction is less quantifiable - pheremones, sound of voice, facial expressions, body language - and to gauge those, F2F is best.

I can certainly understand someone wanting time in which to check references - but in most cases, a week should be plenty of time for that.

I've had my share (well, probably not yet - I understand the shares in this are pretty fat) of no-shows, and I know I'd be much more annoyed and disappointed if I'd spent a month of sending email back and forth before being stood up.

So - other than to test the relationship potential as much as possible before buying plane tickets or devoting a full day to driving, why is is considered reasonable to spend so much time in IM and telephone before actually meeting?

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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 3:31:32 PM

liltxsubby

Posts: 328
Joined: 11/18/2004
From: TX
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Well, in my case, the Dom lives 3 hours away. I wanted to get a feel for him before that kind of trip was made. I can and did become attracted to someone jsut by talking to them.
When we did meet face to face, i felt more comfortable knowing that we had talked so much before meeting. It wasn't quite as much like meeting a complete stranger. I already felt comfortable with him. Don't get me wrong, i took appropriate safety precautions, in case he was not who he seemed on the phone. Luckily for me, he had been himself the whole time.

If i was meeting people within an hour's drive, i probably would have gone a different path. There would not have been as much phone and e-mail first. Meeting for coffee in the middle, which would be about 30 minutes away for each, would seem the more logical way to go. But, driving an hour or more for each person just to have coffee and see if there is attraction seems a bit much.

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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 3:47:47 PM

Sunriselady

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Joined: 2/15/2005
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I don't know as you can put a "timetable" on it. I think it should be long enough for both parties to feel comfortable about a f2f in a public venue. I think more than how long for IM/em/phone is how long on f2f in public venue before moving on to more private entertainment. I think much more has to be paid to this level and not move on until both parties have a strong feeling of trust and have negotiated the safe words the will/won'ts the maybes etc. And of course it goes (for me) without saying that the first several private meetings will employ the use of a safe call.

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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 4:14:53 PM

BeachMystress

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Personally, I waited a while because most people would show themselves to be not what I wanted through conversations. Also I refused to meet someone more than a half hour away. Actually taking the time out of your day to go meet someone who is probably going to flake anyways isn't my idea of fun. I did a lot of preweeding.

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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 5:31:44 PM

EmeraldSlave2

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I've always said that a month is more than reasonable for independent adults to manage a meeting for a first time once they finally realize they want to meet. Otherwise you'd have to start thinking- if they couldn't get their act together just to meet someone they really wanted to meet within 4 weeks, how together is their life? And what does that speak for the rest of the relationship in the future?

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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 5:32:49 PM

ScooterTrash

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Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
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As referenced in my post about players, even after extensive on-line chatting, you can still be burned. Not only by the items you suggested, but by them not existing at all (in the form you assumed anyway). I do agree that perhaps you can't set a timetable on it, but after my recent experiences it will not be a long extended timeframe before meeting as I had thought "proper" before.

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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 6:13:12 PM

domtimothy46176

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Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
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Because I decline to travel to meet a submissive, the waiting period for me is however long it takes her to be comfortable enough to come and meet me. I don't get too worked up over those I meet online because so many of them fade away long before the first f2f meeting. I figure if it takes too terribly long for her to get up the guts to meet, she probably never will, but since I have no emotional investment at stake I'm only out a small amount of my personal time.
For those within an hour or two of me, I would expect a meeting wthin the first month. For someone who traveled further to see me, I would expect a couple of months to be sufficient time for her to determine if it was worth the trip. I figure those who are seriously seeking will make their time count and won't dally anymore than I'm likely to.
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RE: Chatting before the first meet - 3/6/2005 8:12:39 PM

Youtalkingtome

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Joined: 12/8/2004
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All people are different.But in the online cyber world most are the same.Playing games with no intention of ever meeting ftf.
Some may need the time to feel comfortable before a ftf meeting.But most want to put you off because they have no intention of ever meeting ftf.
Most of the time that you spend emailing,chatting or on the phone for long periods of time will be wasted.
Most will not meet in a couple weeks then they won't at all.
I understand what BeachMystress said.But with my experience I wouldn't talk to anyone that long because of what I said above.
Oh, I do believe in talking for a long period of time before any BDSM or sex activities,but not before the first ftf meeting.Then you through in the mix of long distance and it makes it hard.Maybe I might go a month then ftf.I don't consider a 3 hour drive long distance.A 3 hour flight would be because of the expence or the amount of time to drive.
Besides if you don't click in person then you will have wasted all that time.And time for some of us means a lot.But to the online game players that is what they do with their time.I had a Jeep Scrambler on the net years ago for sale.I was contacted by the same person 4 times in 3 months wanting to know all about it and could I send pics.I did that the first time.The 4th time I told him,she or it to leave me alone.I learned that their are a lot of mentally ill people on the net just to kill time with nothing else to do.

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