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ADomDoc -> Best Lawyer jokes (2/3/2007 5:15:17 PM)
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A lawyer just bought a brand new Mercedes and parked it in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came along too close to the curb and tore the driver's door clean off the Mercedes. Frantic, the lawyer pulls out his cell phone and dials 911.
A couple minutes later a police car pulls up and a cop gets out. He walks over to the lawyer, but before he can ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically about his brand new Mercedes.
The cop just shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "You're so worried about your car that you don't even realize that your left arm is missing. It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
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A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."
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99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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What happens when you give Viagra to a lawyer?
He gets taller.
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Are you a lawyer?
Yes.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars for four questions.
Isn't that awfully expensive?
Yes. What's your fourth question?
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So the lawyer is painting his house, when a hobo comes around and asks if he can do something to earn a few dollars.
The lawyer says, "Sure, take a can of this paint, and go around to the back of the house, and paint my porch."
And the hobo does and fifteen minutes later he comes back and says that he's finished.
The lawyer says, "Already?"
And the hobo says, "Yeah, but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a Mercedes!"
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A lawyer had just undergone surgery, and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 90?
Your honor.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
It depends how thin you slice them.
Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under?
Deep, deep down they're really good guys.
You find yourself in a locked room with a polar bear, a tiger, a lawyer, and a gun with only 2 bullets, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
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A man walks into a bar, leading an alligator on a leash.
"You serve lawyers here?" he asks the bartender.
"Sure do," the bartender replies.
"Great, then, I'll have a beer, and a lawyer for my gator."
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A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are driving down a country road. Their car breaks down, and they walk to the nearest farmhouse for help. The farmer answers the door and lets them in. "I can drive you to the garage in town tomorrow, boys," he says, "but it's too late tonight. I have a spare bedroom with a double bed, but that's all, so one of you will have to sleep out in the barn."
The Hindu volunteers, so everyone beds down for the night and he walks out to the barn.
Five minutes later, he comes back and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, he explains: "Sir, I don't mean to belittle your hospitality, but there's a cow out in the barn, and to us Hindus, the idea of keeping such a sacred animal in captivity is very uncomfortable. I can't sleep out there."
The Jew steps to the door and volunteers to go in the Hindu's place. But, sure enough, five minutes later he is knocking on the door as well. "There's a pig in the barn," he explains, "and Jews consider pigs to be very unclean animals. I'm afraid I would much rather sleep inside, too."
The lawyer, in a huff, says: "All right, if you two can't handle sleeping in the barn, I'll go." And he stomps out of the farmhouse.
Five minutes later, the cow and the pig come knocking at the door . . .
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
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It was a terrible wreck. Killed nine lawyers and a disc jockey.
Poor guy!
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People make a lot of jokes about lawyers, but let me tell you, there has got to be an easier way to make a living than practicing law. All day long you work with people who have terrible problems--alcohol problems, mental problems, financial problems, sexual problems ... and then there are the clients!
What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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A lawyer was driving much to fast down a country road. He ran a stop sign and broadsided another car. The lawyer jumped out of his car, ran to the other driver and pulled him out of the wreck. The other driver said "I'm fine, I'm just a bit shaken up." The lawyer then reached into his jacket and gave the driver a flask and said "Here's some brandy that I keep handy for medicinal purposes." The driver took several large swigs of the brandy and handed the flask back to the attorney, who promptly put the cap back on and returned it to his jacket. "Aren't you going to have some?" the driver inquired. "Sure," said the attorney. "Right after the cops leave."
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Why does New Jersey have so many waste dumps and Washington, DC have so many lawyers?
Because New Jersey got to choose first!
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