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RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 7:15:52 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

Probably the first biggie for me was to realize that not all "doms" were. Once I finally let myself admit that I am submissive to my bones I did the sub-frenzy thing but believing that anyone who said they were dom were honorable and wise and looking for someone who wanted to be submissive more than anything else. In the process I've learned about wankers and HNGs. I've learned there are people who are more into kinky sex than D/s. I've learned there are men who are unable to find women in the vanilla world so they go into BDSM, put "Dom" on their name, and play with new submissives, like I was, who are desperately trying to find someone who will appreciate their submission.

I've also learned that there are some wonderful Dominants who are honorable and wise and willing to help new submissives learn about their submission without taking advantage of them. They appreciate the depth of submission that a person has and help them explore it without misusing them.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 21

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 7:33:56 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I had to overcome the idea that there was an actual ideal slave to live up to. The only ideal slave to live up to is my masters.

Yeah, I am still trying to get past this one. It has become an internal joke in our house and when he sees me doing something un-ideal-slave-like that pleases him, he will teasingly call me Ma'am or bitch. The humor is reassuring that the behavior is appropriate for him.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 22

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 8:04:58 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
Yeah, I am still trying to get past this one. It has become an internal joke in our house and when he sees me doing something un-ideal-slave-like that pleases him, he will teasingly call me Ma'am or bitch. The humor is reassuring that the behavior is appropriate for him.

Knight's kyra

ROFL we do that all the time also!

I"ll say "I'm gonna post that on collarme and everyone's gonna know you're just a wannabe dom!"

Or he'll call me his "supposed slave."

Making something humorous is often the best way to start to accept it and dismiss it.

I find it interesting that *I* posted so much of the things I had to learn about the community, while most people are posting things they had to learn about themselves.

The learning about myself thing is something that I think would have happened no matter what orientation I was and I had already hit a lot of these particular lessons by the time I discovered the scene. Of course there's lots to work on, but "the scene" itself didn't really open any doors of self-awareness that life didn't already on its own.

This helps me realize why so many feel "the scene" is better than vanilla life while I know perfectly well that it isn't. For THEM, it was the scene which brought them the hard lessons and self-awareness that they needed.

< Message edited by LuckyAlbatross -- 2/4/2007 8:07:22 AM >

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 23

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 8:44:00 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

This helps me realize why so many feel "the scene" is better than vanilla life while I know perfectly well that it isn't. For THEM, it was the scene which brought them the hard lessons and self-awareness that they needed.

That is an interesting insight.

The lessons that I am learning I associate more with my Lord and my own desire to improve myself. The scene gave me as much crap about how I am supposed to behave as my family did. I think I broke many of the rules that people are supposed to follow. So, I will join you in the ranks of all the "supposed slaves".

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 24

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 9:44:18 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

For myself........it was knowing the difference between being *a* submissive and being someone who can submit.

In terms of M, it was realising that the tin actually contains what it says it does.

agirl

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 25

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 5:04:31 PM

KeirasSecret

Posts: 415
Joined: 8/17/2006
From: central NH
Status: offline

quote:

When you were new, what were some of the things you had to overcome and change to progress in your own submission?

First I had to learn how to think differently, it was no longer about what I wanted; instead, it was about what Sir decided.

In my past relationships, all vanilla, I stood beside the person I was with, with some I led. In my D/s relationship it is like being at opposite poles. It’s a completely different dynamic then what I was used to.

The dynamic we have reminds me of riding a see-saw. When we first got together I was so overwhelmed, so I forgot to hold on, and was hanging off the edge of my seat for a while. A couple of times I fell off, but I kept getting back up, and eventually, I learned how to hang on tighter.

Right now Sir chooses to take it slow because I feel everything very intensely. I would say it’s like he’s sitting somewhere down the board instead of back toward the edge to keep things balanced. I’m thinking the more I get used to it, the more he will be able to slide further back and we can move on to bigger and better things.

Trust was another big issue. It was hard to let someone take over making decisions for me when I was used to other people screwing things up.

There was also realizing that sometimes words in D/s do not always mean the same as they do in vanilla.

Hope this helps. I’ll add more if I think of anything.

Be well,

_____________________________

It apears to me, the practice of "an eye for an eye" has finally taken it's toll; the majority are now walking around blind.

Bitching; whining in a louder voice.

If the truth hurts, change it!

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 26

RE: When you were new... - 2/4/2007 7:18:09 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

When you were new, what were some of the things you had to overcome and change to progress in your own submission?

I think one should appreciate that this same question can be directed towards Dominants as well as submissives.

For me personally... I look at each morning as being New.. and each night... I look at it a time to see the results of my day. Sometimes the challenge is just to grow that day... sometimes it is to try to absorb the overwhelming leaps I take in a given day.

As much as it is nice to see the grow one has achieved...I think where one is going to be of more importance to me. So... besides looking at my results.. I am looking forward to where I am going and if this is where I want to go. If not. I make changes.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 27

RE: When you were new... - 2/5/2007 2:43:28 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

When i was new the big one was trust it was hard to trust someone to give large chunks of my life too. I have learned that sometimes you just have to let go and trust. That is how it is with Master i trust him with my life and heart. Sometimes it is a leap of faith.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 28

RE: When you were new... - 2/5/2007 5:07:04 PM

sexyone4you

Posts: 613
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline

I had to work on my fear of giving up power. I hated myself and my life when I have to be a dominant female 100% of the time. Who wants to be in control all the time? I love being a submissive because of the freedom it brings to me and knowing that I am serving well. However, I am not a doormat. Finding the balance between submission and not being a doormat is something I struggle with now.

I had also heard such horrible stories about wannabe doms, and had plenty of my own personal run-ins with guys of this nature. Later, when I met men who really were Doms, we had to spend a bit in trying to get past my fears that they were going to act like any of the wannabes I had met. Once you have experiences where someone changes the definition of a safe word and doesn't tell you, they don't stop when a safe word is called, they stalk you, or even if they are just in it for sex, it is hard to trust as freely as you did before any of that happens. I have a friend who refers to his subs as pets. He started referring to me as a damaged pet because I was so overly cautious about meeting people after these things happened.

When I was brand new, I thought everyone had basically the same thoughts about D/s as I did. They talked about the lifestyle and all of these wonderful ideas about how a Dom should protect a sub. I gave my trust very freely, and I shouldn't have. Building that trust back up can be a big challenge for both Doms & subs. It takes a leap of faith & a whole lot of patience.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 29

RE: When you were new... - 2/5/2007 5:38:24 PM

ThinkingKitten

Posts: 447
Joined: 6/15/2006
From: Ontari-ari-o
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyone4you

I gave my trust very freely, and I shouldn't have. Building that trust back up can be a big challenge for both Doms & subs. It takes a leap of faith & a whole lot of patience.

I am new, and I have to agree, but having read about the myriad of idiots (wannabe' Doms) that I am apparently going to have to contend with, then I worry that it might have tarnished me too much the other way in that I will have NO trust at all. It concerns me then that the genuine ones may get deflected as well (especially if they don't have the best approach!). I don't want to throw the baby out with the proverbial bathwater. I suspect I will be on a steep learning curve.... Anyone got D/s crampons for sub newbies?

_____________________________

Thinking Kitten

If you can't stand the heat... tell the chef to get out of the kitchen.

(in reply to sexyone4you)

Post #: 30

RE: When you were new... - 2/6/2007 7:03:41 PM

apettiger

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/15/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

ORIGINAL: MadRabbit

When you were new, what were some of the things you had to overcome and change to progress in your own submission?

Interesting question. When I was brand, spanking new and just out of the wrapper, I didn't need to overcome anything because I knew it all! With perfection like that, how can there be any improvement?

I did whatever floated my boat, whenever with whoever and had a total blast doing it. I was having fun! Change? Progress? Screw that.. where's the latest paaaaaaarty, dude! It actually took several years for that to get boring and for me to stop and say.. what the fuck? Is that it? That's all?

Eventually, once I was 'older' and had been marinating in the leather vats for a while, I figured out that, yeah, it was 'fun' and the experiences were a blast .. but what else 'could' they be?

When I was 'new' I didn't recognize the possibilities. When I got some time, experience and most importantly, wisdom under my belt.. that's when I figured out that fun wasn't 'enough' and that's when I set about working on 'me' and where I could actually go in submission instead of where I let being a submissive take me. I started to take responsibility and to respect how truly awesome living life as a submissive could be because that was, finally, being true to my nature.

Bottom line, I gave up accepting 'enough' and went on to 'expecting' more.. from myself and my submission (and from those with whom I played and for whom I served). Later still, I even gave up expectations.. but that's for another post at another time. :)

Oh.. and I'm still having fun, just in case anyone was wonderin.

Celeste

bravo, bravo bitaTruble, couldnt have said it better herself.

_____________________________

378-828-272

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 31

RE: When you were new... - 2/6/2007 7:32:52 PM

princess4Sir

Posts: 51
Joined: 4/15/2004
Status: offline

for me, it was learning and accepting that it was ok to be my true self -
to allow my inherent submission to blossom and grow

< Message edited by princess4Sir -- 2/6/2007 7:34:56 PM >

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 32

RE: When you were new... - 2/7/2007 11:03:59 AM

slavekara

Posts: 76
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline

Greetings,

This girl feels that shewill be learning the whole of her slavery to her Owner for a while but so far one of the things this girl has had to over come is swallowing cum. A few years ago this girl vomited it up everywhere immediately after swallowing and this girl knew she would have to over come this fear when collared, and now she has overcome this fear does not like swallowing, but will do it knowing it pleases her Master.

This girl still has alot to overcome as she is newto the journey she is taking. But she feels she cando so with pride and this girl has no reason to be scared.

slave kara (A)

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 33

RE: When you were new... - 2/7/2007 3:20:27 PM

MadRabbit

Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekara

Greetings,

This girl feels that shewill be learning the whole of her slavery to her Owner for a while but so far one of the things this girl has had to over come is swallowing cum. A few years ago this girl vomited it up everywhere immediately after swallowing and this girl knew she would have to over come this fear when collared, and now she has overcome this fear does not like swallowing, but will do it knowing it pleases her Master.

This girl still has alot to overcome as she is newto the journey she is taking. But she feels she cando so with pride and this girl has no reason to be scared.

slave kara (A)

Well. as I said. no wrong answers LOL....

Thanks to everyone for the replies. They are much appreciated. As always, plenty of great information and thoughts to keep my brain working.

_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to slavekara)

Post #: 34

RE: When you were new... - 2/7/2007 6:41:55 PM

asubmissiveheart

Posts: 462
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

Giving up control is hard for me. But when the trust and love is there, I can give up control and find
freedom in submission.

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 35

RE: When you were new... - 2/7/2007 7:20:14 PM

MasterGremlin

Posts: 230
Joined: 12/30/2006
Status: offline

For me, the challenges then (and some still now) were mainly from my conservative upbringing. Getting over the taboos of certain sexual acts and getting over the fear of pain. I found that when talked about, I felt fear and apprehention but if done in the heat of passion when I wasn't looking (nipple torture while blindfolded being an example) it was a different story all together. My Master would point this out to me afterwards which would boost my confidence, relax my apprehention and ease my fear.
Sincerely,
minxy

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 36

RE: When you were new... - 2/9/2007 3:03:55 PM

DeSade401smo

Posts: 16
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline

I've enjoyed reading the responses. When I was new, I trusted all and believed in the BDSM community - that there would be no judgment and only acceptance. Yes, it's been a hard fall. But, through the fall, I've learned to be true to my feelings and to dismiss criticism and ridicule from those who I thought would be supportive. Also, that the unique way Master and i live (and perhaps also not so unique) is all OK and not open for discussion.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 37

RE: When you were new... - 2/9/2007 3:25:44 PM

aurora31

Posts: 266
Joined: 8/18/2005
Status: offline

I am still relatively new to the life style been active r/t for close to 2 yrs but have entered my first 24/7 M/s relationship only recently. But over the last two yrs I have grown and learned much about myself. One of my biggest struggles was the whole good girl bad girl thing. "Good girls don't do these types of things" Also learning how to surrender completely is hard for me. I have always held on to the last little bit of control in all my relationships both lifestyle and vanilla. I never ever gave myself completely to anyone. Now I want to be able to do that more then anything. And my Sir is working with me diligently to slowly surrender to him wholly.

aurora

< Message edited by aurora31 -- 2/9/2007 3:26:21 PM >

(in reply to DeSade401smo)

Post #: 38

RE: When you were new... - 2/9/2007 6:50:20 PM

amiciaN

Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline

There was a lot of self-discovery for me once I figured out I was a submissive, but it wasn't until I was collared that I really had to struggle with what being honest with my Master really entails. It is not just being honest when He asks me a question and giving a 2-4 word answer. It is opening up to Him all those secret dreams, needs and desires that I had hidden for years and years. It is not just saying I have reached a conclusion about something, it is allowing Him to see how I arrived at it, letting Him see how my brain works. Since I can't be with my Master 24/7/365 for now, this requires me to be active in revealing things to Him, rather than Him being able to see that something is on my mind. It is still something I struggle with at times, as I find some area He does not already know well.

Thankfully, my Master was and is very patient with me. He asked questions and then followed up my answers with more questions as He gently peeled back the layers until He reached the heart of the matter at hand. He understood that I was not intentionally hiding anything, I was simply that unaccustomed to revealing myself completely to anyone. Learning not to censor myself is still an ongoing process as is learning to convey 'negative' emtions (ie., frustration) in a way that is both honest and respectful. My Master's patient questioning enabled me to go from being afraid to reveal myself completely to anyone to the point where I am actively looking for things that may be hidden untentionally. It has been a struggle for me to get here and I am certain at times I came dangerously close to exhausting His patience. (I hope that stays past tense permanently.)

Of course, being in a long distance relationship adds its own unique twist to everything and every person/relationship is different. These are only my own experiences and opinions. ymmv

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to aurora31)

Post #: 39

RE: When you were new... - 2/9/2007 8:34:15 PM

denika

Posts: 619
Joined: 8/30/2005
Status: offline

My own preconcieved idea's of what BDSM was about was a hurdle, not to mention trying to explain to my loveing husband that I wanted to have the living crap beat out of me *s*. He was understanding and it really wasn't as much of a shocker as I thought it was going to be, but he was concerned for my safety. He became good friends with my Top and that eleiveted his fears. It took me a while to wrap my head around the fact I like to play hard, that I liked bruises and that there wasn't something 'wrong' with me. I kind of jumped in with both feet, like I do with most things in life and I think I came to peace with myself and my desires far quicker than those who have watched us play have.
And there is still so much more to explore

denika

< Message edited by denika -- 2/9/2007 8:40:06 PM >

(in reply to MadRabbit)

Post #: 40

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