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ADomDoc -> RE: Old Lady Jokes (2/4/2007 2:52:13 AM)
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There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP.
Ms.Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, Favorite Things.
There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.
Here are the new words to this tune:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida .
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts…
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.
~~~~~~~~~~~
2 elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least 3 minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?"
She pulled it out & stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
~~~~~~~~~~~
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 A.M."
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Flower Show
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."
She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said "No, I think we had State Farm."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly Jewish woman climbs onto the bus and looks for a seat. Seeing no open spot, she approaches a teenage girl and says, "If you knew what I had, you'd offer me your seat."
The girl is taken aback, but she figures she'll do the right thing, and she gives up her seat.
The bus is sweltering in the midsummer heat, and the person next to the old lady has a little battery-operated fan. The old woman looks at him and says, "Oy, if you knew what I had, you'd let me borrow your fan."
The man isn't sure what to make of that, but gives her the fan.
A few blocks later, the woman approaches the bus driver and asks him to stop. "Lady, I can't stop until my next scheduled stop. You can get off there, it's just a few more blocks."
"Oy," she says, "if you knew what I had, you'd let me off here."
The bus driver'd seen her get the seat and the fan, and figures he should accommodate her. He stops the bus. The woman gets of the bus and the bus driver shouts after her, "Hey lady, what exactly is it you have, anyway?"
She turns back and shouts: "Chutzpah!"
~~~~~~~~~~~
A elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him: "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nodded and gave her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much, they still don't make any noise but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, we'll work on your hearing."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and while he's talking to her, he starts eating the peanuts on her coffee table, and as he's leaving, he says, "Thanks for the peanuts, Grandma, sorry I ate them all." She says, "That's okay, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em anyway."
~~~~~~~~~~~
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow,"I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
~~~~~~~~~~
Old lady: "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
Old man: "An elephant?"
Old lady: "Close enough."
~~~~~~~~~~
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
"Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly."
~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had 2 final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
~~~~~~~~~~
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