Possessiveness Or??? (Full Version)

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shay -> Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 10:22:56 AM)

Im faced with a new dilemna that I thought I would put out here for discussion.

Recently I began dating a Dom who I really like. The thing is he is obviously a tad on the possessive side as he sees my continuing affection for a couple of girl friends as some sort of disrespect to him.

I am not collared to him. In fact have only dated him four times. However I am a bit concerned that perhaps if he is this possessive in the early stages of the relationship, maybe I need to consider that a flag of warning.

I love the idea of being wanted and desired as One's Own, but am a bit concerned about being locked away in a box away from friends and family. Im at a stage in my life that the more people I have surrounding me the better off I am. This particular Dom is a truck driver and although I try to put him at the top of my list of priorities, Im fearing isolation. Is this an unwarranted fear?

Being bisexual, I love females and males. I never considered though playing around with "friends" as being some sort of disrespect or cheating. The two girls have doms of their own and are aware of the rare affection we three share.

Guess I am just confused and would like the opinions of others.

Have a great day.
Shay



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 10:31:05 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shay

Guess I am just confused and would like the opinions of others.


There is a great deal of difference between being protective and being possessive. I am very protective of those I care about...I don't let them get hurt, if I can help it. However, I treat adults like adults and expect them to make good decisions in their lives.

Hiding you away will do you nothing but harm, and indeed shows that he perhaps has issues to deal with on his own. It is a weak Master who can only control his slave by controling what she encounters.

Taggard



MsCameron -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 10:31:43 AM)


quote:

The thing is he is obviously a tad on the possessive side as he sees my continuing affection for a couple of girl friends as some sort of disrespect to him.


Huh?? He doesn't want you to see them? Play with them? Have a place in your life?
Disrespect to him how?

This is during casual dating?

I think you've already answered your own question.

MsC



mistoferin -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 10:38:55 AM)

quote:

There is a great deal of difference between being protective and being possessive.


I agree with Taggard on that statement. I also think that there is a great deal of difference between possessiveness and outright jealousy. Jealousy is born of insecurity. Insecurity about oneself or position, a feeling of inferiority. Those are not qualities that I would wish to see in someone I would one day wish to call my Master. Jealousy has no place in my life and I would not be with a Dominant who possessed such an aspect to their personality.



MistressFire70 -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 10:48:49 AM)

Have you asked him if he expects the relationship to be monogamous or poly? If you're poly and he wants monogamy, neither will be happy. Let him know that you intend to keep seeing your girlfriend(s) and that you wouldn't be happy in a relationship where you were forced to give them up.

Of course, this is all assuming that these relationships are good for you, meaning your girlfriends aren't your dope dealers or pimps or something. If this were true, he might be justified in wanting you to end those relationships, not out of jealousy, but out of concern for your welfare.

Fire



twistedsteel -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 10:56:00 AM)

Isolation is the first sign of an abuser. So of course, keep your eyes open, blah blah blah...



RiotGirl -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 11:39:32 AM)

Access denied. Not allowed to have personal information to throw in my face at a later time.



Leonidas -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 11:47:01 AM)

Hello shay,

Well, he could just chain you in his sleeper cab and take you with him. Problem solved ;-)

A lot depends on the kind of relation you are in, or considering entering into. If it is a master slave kind of relation, where you both consider you to be his property, then "playing" with someone else stops being cheating. It's more like stealing at that point, since your sexual use would belong to him and gifting it would be his perrogative. Since you are calling him a Dom I'm guessing that you are contemplating something a little less intense than a master/slave kind of situation. Those kinds of relations are usually open to lots of negotiation about desires and limits. Just be very open and communicative with him about the fact that you would, at the very least, expect to be allowed intimate relations with other women if things proceed.

Possessiveness and jealousy look very similar, but they are actually quite different. Posessiveness is an expression of the drive to establish territory. Jealousy is an expression of fear. Is his desire to have the ultimate say in where, when, and how you play with your girlfriends, or is he offended in general that you would find someone else sexually desirable? The former is an expression of possessiveness, the latter an expression of jealousy. There is nothing wrong with your dom or master being possessive when it comes to you as long as how much sexual freedom he wishes to allow you coincides roughly with how much freedom you need to be happy. Jealousy on the other hand is just about always a danger sign. Men are far more prone to do irrational, agressive, or even violent things out of fear than they are out of territorial imparative. Watch, listen, ask lots of questions, and know what you're getting into before you accept or beg that collar.



shay -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 11:50:47 AM)

He and I both have dealt with the poly issue before. He and I have both agreed that its not for any of us. However I dont see having friends (even affectionate ones) as any sort of cheating.

When I asked Him to explain He said:"how would you feel if I was kissing on a woman, tweaking her nips etc?" Well I responded: "of course that would upset me", but I never saw my girlfriends as a threat to a relationship. They are in relationships of their own.

I dont want to lose what might be a good thing, but I also dont want to lose the friends I currently have. I am an open affectionate person. ~sighs~ And I NEED interaction with people.




ShiftedJewel -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 12:15:11 PM)

quote:

When I asked Him to explain He said:"how would you feel if I was kissing on a woman, tweaking her nips etc?" Well I responded: "of course that would upset me", but I never saw my girlfriends as a threat to a relationship.


As I've been known to say, if you want to compare apples to apples perhaps he should ask how you would feel if he were kissing on and tweakin the nips of a close friend. In the nilla world women greet each other all of the time with "kiss kiss", so why is it different for you to greet your kinky friends in a kinky way?

Jewel



TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 12:15:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shay
When I asked Him to explain He said:"how would you feel if I was kissing on a woman, tweaking her nips etc?" Well I responded: "of course that would upset me", but I never saw my girlfriends as a threat to a relationship. They are in relationships of their own.


So if he was kissing and tweaking women who were in relationshipsf their own, it would be ok? If not, don't you see that as hypocritical?

quote:


I dont want to lose what might be a good thing, but I also dont want to lose the friends I currently have. I am an open affectionate person. ~sighs~ And I NEED interaction with people.


Then why not let him have it too? It sounds like you are a bit poly...at least in a physical sense. Why not just entertain the idea that kissing and tweaking need not be considered cheating for him as well as you...you might open up all new kinds of excitement.

Taggard



OrientalMistress -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 12:53:00 PM)

My dear little submissive. Steer as far away from this "Dom" as possible. The first warning sign has been raised if he wishes to "isolate" you from family and friends.

I am not so concerned about the other matter you raise as it is the Dom's privilege to determine with whom those collared to him may become intimate...and in this case, there would then be three Dom's with whom you must deal.

My personal suggestion to you is to look to one of the Dom's who has collared either one or both of your girlfriends. It will provide a strong base of support for you both.

If you wish to discuss this further, contact Me by sending a reply.

Okamisan Jade
Imperial Domme



LadyAngelika -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 12:57:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
Hiding you away will do you nothing but harm, and indeed shows that he perhaps has issues to deal with on his own. It is a weak Master who can only control his slave by controling what she encounters.


I could not agree with you more! In my 20s, I had my share of possessive, jealous lovers. I realised they had one thing in common: they were all deeply insecure.

Possessiveness is not simply a Dominant trait either. It is something that is individual. I find that one of the best ways to counter possessiveness and jealousy is through open and honest relationships. It might not work for everyone, but I know that it works very well for me.

I don’t know this man who you are describing from a hole in the wall. I can tell you however that chances are that a) he won’t change because insecurity is deep rooted and b) if it is this bad after such a short period of time, it will only get worse as time goes by.

It is up to you to chose if you want to be a caged bird or a free bird.

- LA



onceburned -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 1:41:06 PM)

shay, I want to join with the others who have warned that his 'possessiveness' could be warning sign.

I allowed my ex-wife to cut me off from friends because she was also possessive, and I figured she was just insecure and just needed more time with me so she could overcome her insecurity. But it didn't work like that - hers was a bottomless pit of jealousy. Her false accusations and rage made our marriage very difficult to endure and eventually destroyed it.

I can not say your Dom has the same kind of jealousy/insecurity issues... but what you describe sure makes me sit up and want to warn you to take this matter seriously.



domtimothy46176 -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 1:49:14 PM)

Over the years I've learned to trust my gut. If your first istincts are generally reliable you most likely have your answer right there.
Timothy



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 1:55:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shay
The thing is he is obviously a tad on the possessive side as he sees my continuing affection for a couple of girl friends as some sort of disrespect to him.

What exactly does this mean? I would say that you're having friends is absolutely not a big deal that should be left alone, but...

quote:

Being bisexual, I love females and males. I never considered though playing around with "friends" as being some sort of disrespect or cheating.

I've noticed everyone giving you advice that your concern may be a warning, and indeed it may be. However, I wonder what the responses would be if you were a guy dating a lady, and the Lady was uncomfortable that while you're dating her, you're "playing around" with a couple of other guys?
If you mean going to the mall or having girl talk is playing around, than he should back off, or be booted, but if you mean you're "playing with them" and he doesn't want to share you that way, than what you two need is to communicate what each is seeking and reconsider your compatibility.

I hope the above makes sense; the only reason I point out the alternative scenario, is that although we are all open minded here, we seem to have slightly different advice for men/women on "potential cheating" of partners.
Good luck, M



MadameDahlia -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 1:59:48 PM)

I consider myself poly. I'm prone to jealousy on occasion... but as long as those I consider mine are coming home to me and as long as I've approved the play before hand I see nothing wrong with it.

I don't seek to hide people away. I don't want to put them in dark corners when I'm busy with something or someone else.

It sounds as though this man is insecure. As others have said he seems to want to isolate you. Isolation is indeed the first sign of someone abusive.

I shall offer a hypothetical situation wherein the worst possible results are what you are left with...

When you have nowhere left to run but to him it makes him your center - your core - your only world. You will have burned your bridges with your friends so you will fear that they want nothing to do with you once you've realized that he doesn't have your best interests at heart. On top of that he will have pounded into you through fists and words that you aren't worth having friends... that no one cares because you're selfish, stupid, horrific and any other insult that comes to mind. You'll endure... endure... endure... And then you'll crack. You'll either become a "Yes Sir" shell of your previous self because you will have been conditioned into becoming such. Or perhaps you crack and seek to kill your abuser to get away from it all. Or maybe he grows tired of you and wants someone else to abuse. He'll be able to better manipulate the next person because he's had a marvelous canvas to work with. Meanwhile you're left out in the cold, alone... friendless and perhaps even without family. Because once you have severed your ties to friends the next group of people an abuser seeks to cut you off from is your family. Without any support, without any other alternative you are only left with that person.

Then again perhaps he just has trouble communicating with you. Maybe he isn't an abusive nut waiting to kill you emotionally. But before you go tossing your friends aside because a casual dating partner has told you it is "disrespectful" (pardon my French but what bullshit!) I would suggest you have a very long talk with him -- in a public place. I would also suggest that you mention this to your friends and perhaps even your friends' Doms. See what those closest to you have to say about this situation. They are faces you trust. People who care about you. Let them know your fears. Let them know what is going on in your world. That way if you ever do start acting strangely they'll know to intervene.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 2:01:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shay
He and I both have dealt with the poly issue before. However I dont see having friends (even affectionate ones) as any sort of cheating.

Again, I wish I knew what you meant by "even affectionate ones". I think everyone should have friends, and I don't think you should stay with a guy who is trying to Isolate you as I believe that is potentially a sign or an insecure/abusive person, so heed your gut feeling. However, I've dated a guy who had "affectionate friends usu other girls" and he most certainly was cheating. M



GreyStorm -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 5:28:04 PM)

I'm confused by the relationship the OP has with the girlfriends. I need more information before giving advice. Like others have said, a kiss hello, a hug, whatever is great between friends. But getting naked and doing much more, is something else.

That being said, don't ever let someone else choose your friends or with whom you hang out with. I let someone recently do that, and now I am rebuilding my social network and moving forward.



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Possessiveness Or??? (3/8/2005 5:44:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty
quote:

ORIGINAL: shay
When I asked Him to explain He said:"how would you feel if I was kissing on a woman, tweaking her nips etc?" Well I responded: "of course that would upset me", but I never saw my girlfriends as a threat to a relationship. They are in relationships of their own.


So if he was kissing and tweaking women who were in relationshipsf their own, it would be ok? If not, don't you see that as hypocritical?
Taggard

That's what I thought... Shay says she is bi, loves both men and women, but he should not be threatened by her playing with girls as if because they are girls, he shouldn't be jealous.

I'm not advocating jealousy or inseccurity, but I don't see why being bi should excuse infidelity if that is what she's doing? Not suggesting she should stay with a guy who won't accept her playing with others, if that is what she wants, but than why lie to each other that you want monogamy or presumed monogamy? Just my opinion? M



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